TWO-MAN BUSINESS

Episode One - “Me and My Oga”

Hi, I am Edwin Babatunde Alexander, the second guy in my Bosses one-man business, or “TWO-MAN BUSINESS” like I call it.

What do I do…? Hmmm… I do everything for my Boss, from his Personal Assistant, to his caddy on the golf course, I am his business partner, his Driver, his nephew, his son, his errand boy, also his competitor and every other act I need to play to make our “Two-Man Business” successful.
For the records, I am never going to quit this Job unless I am sacked. Why? You will know in the course of our gist… but I can never be sacked. Why? Who else will “work his butt out” for a boss that never thanks you the way you want to be thanked. All you get is.

“Eddy my boy we are going places”.

”Aren’t we there yet!". I will ask with my inner voice, I better not let The Boss hear me, else, I will be in for another long talk about sacrifice and hard work and a promise of a brighter rewarding future... The guy is truly from a family with a high level of “political haemoglobin”.

… Talk of the devil.

….Excuse me, “abeg oga dey call”.

Hello sir;

“….Hey, Eddy my boy, how was your night son? You will be going to SKS Consulting today; I have called to inform them my partner is coming over. I want you to get this contract talks over with and make me. Huh… Make us some money…This people wanna do business with us, they just need to trust us a little more and I trust you can do that. Wear one of those your elegant suits and give them your charming “Fine Boy” smiles son…., “shebi” you know the chairman of SKS is a very young lady? So you know what to do Eddy my boy.. We need this money o… Okay, bye, call me when you have won us some “chedazz”.

You see?

What kind of boss calls you up early morning and doesn’t allow you to even reply to his “how was your night?” Only my smart, stingy, egocentric, arrogant, ignorant and “Pain in the Butts” (PIB) Boss.

Anyway, I plan to do well at SKS Consulting today, so The Boss won’t ask me those heart breaking questions when he see’s my expenses list For the day, I need this money “baje!”, Boss never pay for five months and Anike’s folks have been asking to see their handsome, intelligent and smooth son in-law ooo…

Expenses:
(1) Transportation– #105,000 (executive car hire)

(2) Lunch – #32,500 (with SKS chairman’s P.A)

(3) Tips – #19250 (sks’s gateman, secretary and chairman’s driver)
Total– #156,750.

Guys, this list make sense abi?

Okay guys, duty calls…. Catch you later, but before I go “how much dey my wallet sef?”

#465 naira… Correct! It’s going to be a great day

Love it!! More...

Episode Two – Two Man Buisness: “The Meeting”

“Good morning” I sang to the  multi-coloured faced receptionist..

 ”Good morning sir”, she sneaked the words out of her mouth like she just got dumped by a man..

 … I am Edwin Babatunde Alexander, I introduced.. ” A senior partner from EL-PASO NIG LTD, I have an appointment with the chairman..

 ”Oh.! Yes.. Yes..” rushing from her desk.. “Follow me please” she said forcing the words out of her mouth once again.. I followed her, shaking my head with a lot of pity for her and thinking.. “Na one yeye boy go break this one heart again oo, but who go marry dis one sef, with all this nigerlux and berger paint for her face.. Abegii.”.. 

 ”in here sir, I’ll inform the chairman of your arrival” speaking a little louder now as she wiggled away.

 I was just admiring the furniture in the luxurious room, when the door clicked..

 Three men and two ladies walked in, Madam wasn’t difficult to recognise. This babe smells like money,White cotton jacket, pink and white striped shirt,a conspicuously short black skirt, beautiful leather shoes and when she turn her behind to sit. “dis madam get wetin boys for streets dey call “KAKAA toh BAHD”"..

 ”Can we start please” madam speaking now, with her unique western accent, it returned me to reality

 ”Mister..”. She was trying to remember my name.

.. “Edwin Babatunde Alexander” I cut in..

“Ok, please let’s hear you” she said..

 Clearing my throat with style and trying to build confidence internally, I started with my lagos trained British accenT

 ”As you have read in our brochure, “Client Base Development” (CBD). Is one of our many specialised fields at EL-PASO Nig Ltd, it is our haven, we live there, we have developed tested and trusted model and strategies that works uniquely to soothe every organisations client base development plans, our clients always thank us for helping them make more money than their financial analyst projected. 

 ..” You wanna make money?” I asked looking at Madam herself straight in the eyes with confidence and my “fine boy” smile giving me back up.

 She looked at me smiled,nodded her head and gave me a wink with her left eye.

 My heart skipped and I almost fell.. Singing “winner oh. Oh.. Oh.. Winner.!!” In my mind I manage to continue with improved confidence now..

 ..”Yes, you want to make money and El’Paso Nig Ltd is your bridge to the dream land. We will help you make a lot of money but you have to trust us and support us so we can deliver, we will be a team, SKS will give us basic information and we will use our world class strategies and models to deliver your desired result in reasonable time.

 In conclusion, we have the contact informations of some of our pasts clients on our website, feel free to do background check on us, that is if you haven’t done that before you started this talk with us.. Thank you.

 I took my sit at the far end of the table, took a sip of my glass of water, and tried not to look at d SKS team as they discuss discreetly.

” You can all leave now” madam ordered.

  I tried to move my chair back and take my leave.. Then madam spoke again,

” Not you Mr…” ” Edwin Babatunde Alexander” I cut in once again with a warmer smile.

Yeh!!!! She wants the D

I'm' liking' this like licking honey.Pour me some more.

Episode Three - “Miss Funke Salman”

As she walked closer from her end of the Long table to mine, my heartbeat increased, my legs were seriously shaking and my urinary system started to malfunction, I could feel my temperature raise and my suit became heavier… Now I see Madam very well… She’s a beauty, just like my “Anike baby” but different “specs”, ” Her legs? Slim, straight and sexy (SSS), her body frame? Gorgeous! Upper frontal region? Super.!, her eyes? “Oojigbigbi… jigbi… jigbi… jigbi…” Sexy, seductive and a little big. ( Asiwaju style).

Her melodious accent revived me from my lustful slumber.

” Mr Edwin Babatunde Alexander she sang gracefully with a charming smile.

”Madam” I answered informally.

”Please call me Funke Salman” she refuted.

Now that I seem to have her where I want us to be, I became more confident and I continued.

“Pardon my ignorance please, Miss Funke Salman, But you are still our madam”

”Abegi, don’t let the looks deceive you, na naija dem born me oo” madam speaking “pigin”.

”Really” I enquired.

“Yes oo, A few years of education abroad and this is what you get” she added, wiggling as she points to herself with both hands.

”So, Madam Do we have the job?” I. Pressed

”Maybe, just one more hurdle to cross, I took over from the old man recently, I mean Alhaji Salman kashimawo Salman himself, and I don’t have the right to make final financial decisions yet, so he wants to meet with you guys from EL-Paso, you go and tell him the same thing you told my team here then we will reach an agreement and take our decision.. If it will be alright with you, I can arrange lunch with him on Friday at his residence in Ikeja G.R.A., 2:00p.m”.

“Then Friday it is” I answered.

I repeated a few lines from my earlier presentation as we walk towards the elevator, we said our goodbyes and chorus “see you on Friday” as the elevator door closed..

As soon as the elevator started it’s descend. I screamed. “Yesss! Yesss.!! Yesss.!!!” Hitting my chest hard like former Arsenal football club’s star, Theiry Henry does when he scores one of those his magnificent goals.

I strolled majestically out of the office complex, praying she is not looking at me from her pent house office; I took the next bend, just in time to flag down a commercial bus.

“Fine boy, wole pelu change e oo, oshodi seventy naira” the conductor ordered

I sat in the commercial bus a bit more relaxed now then I started to ponder. “Wetin I go tell The boss sef?”, “if we win this contract how will it change my life, Boss must take care of me o, else I will resign”, my debts and living expenses are raising, my landlord will soon bring another bill,

“I go pay Nepa oo, buy water from aboki”, my car will soon arrive from brazil, thanks to my “padi” there, “na money I go use clear that one too”, my younger ones in school need my financial support, my parents and Anike’s parents are another “koko” in this story of the life of a young Lagos hustler.. Hmmmmmm. “Baba God dey”

“…Gala..! Gala...!” I screamed at the boys hustling for their daily needs in Lagos traffic.

“How many Oga” he asked,

”Two abeg, and help me call that boy wey dey sell lacasera too.” I requested.

” Man cannot come and die jare my people”…Abi.?

*subscribed*
who says NL isn't fun?

Episode Four - “Very Good Bad Guy” (V.G.B.G)

…”Dearest God in heaven, Thank you for the gift of life, for loving me and for the loving and caring people you have surrounded me with, I will never worship anyone or anything except thee. “Oluwa mi” I need my boss to pay my money, I am broke, don’t make me beg for food from my enemies Dearest God, Ah! “Baba God” don’t let me die of hunger o… Protect me from all evils, bless my parents, my siblings, my Queen, Anike and bless my boss to pay me my money. In Jesus name I pray… Amen.” I rose to my feet and concluded my early morning prayers with a special praise song and dance...” He has done for me.. He has done for me.. He has done for me. What my father cannot do…

I whistled at first bike I saw, as I lock the gate to my apartment behind me.

”Oba Akran” I proposed to the “omo olope okada boy”, dressed in skinny jeans ,baseball hat and a black Tee-shirt with “AMA Kip Kip” written boldly in front.

”Three hundred naira” he threatened.

“Haba, thirty fiber bawo? Make I give you twenty fiber jo” I slanged, to prove my street credibility.

“Pay twenty five fiber oga, you too fine to dey price okada nah” he teased.

I jumped on the bike and he zoomed off, after a few curses, threats and zigzags we arrive at El-Paso plaza plot 429 Oba Akran, Ikeja.

I rushed into the office and went straight to my desk, Ronke, the fat receptionist hasn’t arrived yet, I sat down took a plain sheet out of one file and wrote my proposal for cash receivable to The Boss..

Outstanding salary — #600,000
Leave grant —————#150,000
(I didn’t even observe this leave o)
Total ————————#750,000

I stapled this list with my “arrangee” SKS list, folded the papers and was about to say a prayer to invoke the “spirit of my mother” to follow my request when the husky voice of my “Pain in the Butts” Boss disrupted the spiritual moment.

”Eddy my boy, how are you today, how are your parents and your wife..? So tell me how did we do at SKS?

I sighed, took a deep breath and tried to cook a fast story for this Selfish man.. Then I started flowing.

“Oga, there is good news and bad news o, the bad news is….”

“Haba Eddy.., Tell me the good news first….” The boss cuts in.

”Ok sir, the good news is I have been able to secure a lunch meeting with Alhaji S.K. Salman himself after gratifying a few people, I was also able to get the Chairman’s personal Assistant on our side, but we may need to “tip the guy” 200k” if we win the contract, and the bad news is we are not the only firm SKS is talking to, I gathered from my sources that they are talking to six firms and we are not too favoured on the list of preference, infact, one “oyinbo” firm is our major problem.” I bullied.

“Ah.!! Eddy, we can’t afford to lose this money oo, what do you advice we do now.. Ehnn? The boss asked with a lot of fear.

“Well, I propose we settle the P.A, I heard he’s a very strong man and Alhaji S.K. Salman listens to him a lot, I am also planning to invite Funke Salman to a business date, but Oga I am broke, if you will just settle my outstanding payments I will have small money to spend on her, I concluded and presented my lists of receivables simultaneously..

My heart was in my mouth as The Boss Scrutinize his debts grumbling..

Then The Boss spoke.. ” Eddy, we can’t pay all your money now o, but I will make you happy my boy, we will pay “400k” from your outstanding salaries, pay your leave grant, settle the SKS expenses, but you need to cut down on these expenses o, we are yet to win the contract sef, then I want us to motivate S.K’s P.A, I will give him a hundred thousand advance but Tell him Eddy, tell him, No one cheats Kosamotu Alake.. No one, if he fails to deliver, he will refund my money, else me and him will have our legs in the same trouser”.

I left the office that day with one heavy cheque in my pocket, a promise of “100.K.” in cash for the supposed P.A tips on Friday morning and I lighter soul, all my worries vanished, I feel brand new and smart. “Person wey wan catch monkey must hold banana, Oga don chop my banana today”. #winkssssssss#

hmmmmm. after such a long time. thanks anyway. keep 'em coming. . .

Episode-Five - “Meeting the Salmans”

I smiled at the mirror as I brush my hair, this is the real definition of “fine boy no pimples”. I said to myself, I know some of you will “yinmu”, “Na unah sabi oo” I advise you cook your “beefs” and eat it o, abi how else will you describe a six foot two handsome young man, dressed in expensive, well sown Senegalese styled white caftan, a white cap and a black leather slippers, (Dimeji Bankole style). All courtesy of my sweet Anike baby, one of my numerous gifts while she was observing her one year compulsory youth corp service in kastina state, northern Nigeria.

By the way today is Friday and I am meeting The Salmans.

What else could be the reason behind my hyper-happiness?

Money.. and the fact that I will see that beauty again, “Miss Funke SalMan” a.k.a “come and do eyes”.

I have actually rented a car today, after a lot of begging, treats and promises; one of my “omo Baba olowo” friends will come and pick me at the office with his father’s Nissan Armanda SUV. The cost? A promise to hook him up with Anike’s friend, Ruth and ten thousand naira if he stays in the car through my lunch meeting.

I took a bike to the office has usual, this time it was an old Ijebu man that told me all of his troubled life’s story while I begged God for a save trip to the office on his “So help me God” bike. I got to the office in one piece only to be angered by Ronke, our fat receptionist.

“Good morin, Oga Ba’atunde, you are looking feri fine oo” she mumbled with her conk “Ibadan” accent.

“Morin” I teased back.

“I have told “this one” not to call me “Ba’atunde” again, abi another thing dey there ni?”

When The Boss employed her, he said she is his niece from Ilesha, I wonder how “Ibadan person take relate to ijesha o”, plus rumour has it that Ronke and The Boss are seriously “collaborating”.

”Yeye girl”, her recharge card business has nosedived, thanks to me and The Boss, wonder how much I owe, but when she “sef” wants to do every business nko, she will sell shirts, curf links, even “chin chin and chips” haba.!, now serious alarm dey blow her”, she ties scarf to work, no money to do hair”… I laughed out loud.

Now at the Salman’s residence, I stepped out of my “borrow pose” SUV and marveled at the white structure, with chocolate coloured roof, it’s a masterpiece with two Conspicuously giant pillars guarding the magnificent entrance door, a well mowed lawn to the left and a beautiful white mosque to the right, the central walking areas and walkways tiled with red and white interlocking brick tiles and the car park? Heart breaking.!, one white jaguar, a black Mercedes Benz G-class, another white Mercedes Benz C-class,”4matic”, a white Range Rover Sport Hse and the latest Toyota Camry, black. “My garage in a few years”, I motivated myself, I will just change the Toyota Camry to the latest “Rav4″ for Anike, she loves it.

I noticed Funke’s bright smile from the distance as she walks towards me, dressed in pink and white flowered Indian gown with a white veil, no make-up and this babe is still on point, we exchanged pleasantries with casual hug this time, she confirmed my unique dress sense as she ushered me in… “My guy go dey inside car, na my money dey work”. #wink#

This house is a Pseudo-paradise o, exotic Arabian styled living area, leather sofa? The best I have seen yet, the rugs, paintings and chandelier nko? Lovely. Just has Funke begged me to have my sit her Father appeared from what seems like a staircase corridor, I rushed to my feet and walk towards him?

Alhaji S.K Salman, this man oozes money, Tall average weight fresh light skin man with no strand of hair on his head, a well trimmed white beard, and his slightly big eyeballs, now I know where Funke got the eyes from. He was dressed in a White “Jalamia”.. I made an effort to prostrate but Alhaji held me half way to the ground.” No.. No.., Babatunde, it is forbidden to prostrate for any man except Allah in Islam” he informed as he shook my hand with his baby-soft hand, Still holding my hand he lead me to the luxurious dining area where I could see a well set table, my heart leaped with joy. “When last I chop correct food”.

I tried to introduce myself as we sat down to eat, again, Alhaji told me to save my speech.. “Funke has told me all we need to know about you, I just wanted to meet you that’s all Babatunde, now let’s eat. Do you like fried rice? It’s my favourite” he said, like a father talking to his son.

We ate quietly, very rich fried rice, salad, soft chicken and chilled home-squeezed orange juice, “this is the life my people”. Funke finished her meal first and excused herself, Alhaji and I finished almost at the same time, he asked me if I enjoyed the meal and I confessed I did sincerely.. Then Alhaji S.K Salman Dropped the Bomb;

“Babatunde, I am not giving El-Pas o this contract, I want you to ……..

whaaaaaaa !!!!!!!!!!

WOW

i love this and really hope 4 more episodes

the lady type of you wld not b a bad idea for my kinda bizness.

No matter what anyone says... Nigeria is a blessed land.

Good one... Please do continue and alleviate my fatal curiosity.

If not, I am the one you will see when you look outside your window any time any where

Even if you dey 20th floor

Nice job man

Yeeeehhhhh..... I am enjoying this ooooooooooo

thedareafolabi: Episode-Five - “Meeting the Salmans”

I smiled at the mirror as I brush my hair, this is the real definition of “fine boy no pimples”. I said to myself, I know some of you will “yinmu”, “Na unah sabi oo” I advise you cook your “beefs” and eat it o, abi how else will you describe a six foot two handsome young man, dressed in expensive, well sown Senegalese styled white caftan, a white cap and a black leather slippers, (Dimeji Bankole style). All courtesy of my sweet Anike baby, one of my numerous gifts while she was observing her one year compulsory youth corp service in kastina state, northern Nigeria.

By the way today is Friday and I am meeting The Salmans.

What else could be the reason behind my hyper-happiness?

Money.. and the fact that I will see that beauty again, “Miss Funke SalMan” a.k.a “come and do eyes”.

I have actually rented a car today, after a lot of begging, treats and promises; one of my “omo Baba olowo” friends will come and pick me at the office with his father’s Nissan Armanda SUV. The cost? A promise to hook him up with Anike’s friend, Ruth and ten thousand naira if he stays in the car through my lunch meeting.

I took a bike to the office has usual, this time it was an old Ijebu man that told me all of his troubled life’s story while I begged God for a save trip to the office on his “So help me God” bike. I got to the office in one piece only to be angered by Ronke, our fat receptionist.

“Good morin, Oga Ba’atunde, you are looking feri fine oo” she mumbled with her conk “Ibadan” accent.

“Morin” I teased back.

“I have told “this one” not to call me “Ba’atunde” again, abi another thing dey there ni?”

When The Boss employed her, he said she is his niece from Ilesha, I wonder how “Ibadan person take relate to ijesha o”, plus rumour has it that Ronke and The Boss are seriously “collaborating”.

”Yeye girl”, her recharge card business has nosedived, thanks to me and The Boss, wonder how much I owe, but when she “sef” wants to do every business nko, she will sell shirts, curf links, even “chin chin and chips” haba.!, now serious alarm dey blow her”, she ties scarf to work, no money to do hair”… I laughed out loud.

Now at the Salman’s residence, I stepped out of my “borrow pose” SUV and marveled at the white structure, with chocolate coloured roof, it’s a masterpiece with two Conspicuously giant pillars guarding the magnificent entrance door, a well mowed lawn to the left and a beautiful white mosque to the right, the central walking areas and walkways tiled with red and white interlocking brick tiles and the car park? Heart breaking.!, one white jaguar, a black Mercedes Benz G-class, another white Mercedes Benz C-class,”4matic”, a white Range Rover Sport Hse and the latest Toyota Camry, black. “My garage in a few years”, I motivated myself, I will just change the Toyota Camry to the latest “Rav4″ for Anike, she loves it.

I noticed Funke’s bright smile from the distance as she walks towards me, dressed in pink and white flowered Indian gown with a white veil, no make-up and this babe is still on point, we exchanged pleasantries with casual hug this time, she confirmed my unique dress sense as she ushered me in… “My guy go dey inside car, na my money dey work”. #wink#

This house is a Pseudo-paradise o, exotic Arabian styled living area, leather sofa? The best I have seen yet, the rugs, paintings and chandelier nko? Lovely. Just has Funke begged me to have my sit her Father appeared from what seems like a staircase corridor, I rushed to my feet and walk towards him?

Alhaji S.K Salman, this man oozes money, Tall average weight fresh light skin man with no strand of hair on his head, a well trimmed white beard, and his slightly big eyeballs, now I know where Funke got the eyes from. He was dressed in a White “Jalamia”.. I made an effort to prostrate but Alhaji held me half way to the ground.” No.. No.., Babatunde, it is forbidden to prostrate for any man except Allah in Islam” he informed as he shook my hand with his baby-soft hand, Still holding my hand he lead me to the luxurious dining area where I could see a well set table, my heart leaped with joy. “When last I chop correct food”.

I tried to introduce myself as we sat down to eat, again, Alhaji told me to save my speech.. “Funke has told me all we need to know about you, I just wanted to meet you that’s all Babatunde, now let’s eat. Do you like fried rice? It’s my favourite” he said, like a father talking to his son.

We ate quietly, very rich fried rice, salad, soft chicken and chilled home-squeezed orange juice, “this is the life my people”. Funke finished her meal first and excused herself, Alhaji and I finished almost at the same time, he asked me if I enjoyed the meal and I confessed I did sincerely.. Then Alhaji S.K Salman Dropped the Bomb;

“Babatunde, I am not giving El-Pas o this contract, I want you to ……..

Simply put, this is beauriful. Hope to read some more.

subscribing ....

ay0201: Simply put, this is beauriful. Hope to read some more.

Thanks for quoting the whole episode just to make your little comment..... You try

Very very impressive @ OP.

Have you considered writing for TV? You seriously should, this would make for a very interesting 30 mins show....something along the lines of Bassey and Company but with a voice over narrative....Like Scrubs or Grey's Anatomy and you already have a nice name for it.

Seriously I'll advice you to do a treatment and shop it around.

Can't wait for Episode 6!!!

im cut in the middle pls episode next. Nice write up though

I'll say this is not my type of 'read' but the Op has a way in making Babatunde seem real.
I'm looking forward to the other episodes.

nice suspense man,buh i can guess wat d oldman want to say....,i wont give El Paso d contract buh i want you to marry my beautiful daughter 4 10million dollars

Hate suspense. Finish he story line

Been laughing my head off in my office and my staff think I'm crazy! Neways, nice story line and great writing. This is the only post I've cared for a long time to subscribe to on Nairaland...keep it coming OP!

Abeg episode 6... Plllsssssss.

If I'm asked by JAMB to summarize episodes 1 - 5 in one sentence, I'd say:

"I and My Oga are partners in business"

At a time, no need for long stories...

I want you to marry my daughter and i will give you the contract?? this is lovely !!

Nice suspense, n i must say its a beautiful piece pls keep it up.Been laughing thank God my Oga did not catch me,pls i cant wait for the next episode

Dis is interesting,kip dem coming
U r talented