The thng I'v noticed abt women dat marry abusive men is dat d signs ar always evident dat d guy wil b abusiv b4 they actually tie d knot.

Durin courtship,he might hav beaten d chick at certain occasions or thrown tantrums or done som extreme thngs in d course of bn angry but yet d girl looked d other way;refusin 2admit d man's fault or sh thought dat afta marriage he might change but d pressures dat coms wot marriage turn such guys frm just bn verbally abusive (probably) or throwin tantrums 2bn physically abusive.Then d babe is already trapped.My thoughts though.I wish ur sister d best.

GOD HATES DIVORCE

GOD HATES DIVORCE.
Malachi 2:16

Sorry guys to say this. Her brother should ask her what went wrong, what she did or keep doing cuz to me the marriage is too young for such. Men need respect, women need love

yellowpawpaw: Since its an igbo marriage.
Simple.
The middleman with one or two elders should return the money and whatever that is needed to be returned.
Don't u guys have kingsmen?
Its their duty to do the needful.
Not a court thing at all.

.

Dis is absolutely d right tin 2 do and mind u tell ur sister nt 2 remarry until d bride price has been returned or else any child she conceive outside automatically belongs 2 d first husband (standard traditional law). Igbo tradition is rich dats y I advice my brothers 2 always come home.

jaytime: Annulment should not be the last option just yet. Let her pray to God to intervene and change her husband. There is nothing God can not do. I'm sure she loved the guy that's why she married him in the first place. You never can tell, there might more to the husband's abusive nature than meets the eye. Bottom line: Let her PUSH - Pray Untill Something Happens.

Religious delusion at its peak,God cannot change an abuser!

jaytime: Annulment should not be the last option just yet. Let her pray to God to intervene and change her husband. There is nothing God can not do. I'm sure she loved the guy that's why she married him in the first place. You never can tell, there might more to the husband's abusive nature than meets the eye. Bottom line: Let her PUSH - Pray Untill Something Happens.

That's precisely it. I wouldn't advise her to quit just yet. The situation still can be turned around.

SUNNY45: Lightening: I found the advise of the ladies most apt, that is if they are really married and are sure that their hubby has never hit them or that they really walked away from their marriages when it happened.

But this is not a case of being hit once or twice, its a case of being BATTERED SEVERALLY. I do not support walking away as that does not guarantee the next man wont result into battery, but seriously, it is not acceptable to batter a woman!

A threat of violence should be enough to end a marriage! How can a woman live in a family unit where her security is continually threatened? It is preposterous and against human norms to dwell in this conditions,unless such an individual is held against their own freewill!

tensor777:
That's precisely it. I wouldn't advise her to quit just yet. The situation still can be turned around.

What can it be turned around to? Abuse is about control and power,unless she is willing to live like a slave the beatings will never stop! Most Nigerians ignore the horrors of physical abuse maybe because we are used to physical abuse from our teachers and seniors back in school.

Lightening:

Oh yes I condem that entirely. 5 months old marriage is still on the learning curve. We have not heard the man's side yet o. Issues like this can be oversensationalized by the accusing party. Good marriage is a joint venture between the couple backed by God, the author. While bad marriage is also a collective failure. Man and woman alike long for a peaceful home. Only diligent labor can produce it.

Tell me just one thing you need to hear from this man to justify beating his wife! Wow! Some Nigerian men like you are the reason we are viewed like apes worldover! Learning curve my black a$$! Religion has deluded your brains, if God exists why would he standby and watch a man raging like a bull assault his wife?

Shepherd that's your own opinion which I don't happen to agree with. However the marriage is but 5 months old. She can still work it out by prayer and fasting as well as listening to elders who have weathered previous storms. At the end of the day a suceesful marriage can only be built on a foundation of mutual love and respect.

tensor777: Shepherd that's your own opinion which I don't happen to agree with. However the marriage is but 5 months old. She can still work it out by prayer and fasting as well as listening to elders who have weathered previous storms. At the end of the day a suceesful marriage can only be built on a foundation of mutual love and respect.

So where is the mutual love in the multiple beatings to the point of beating her unborn child out of her. What excuse could you possibly give for that? Good golly. At this point I am not sure why I still get surprised at the things I read on here.

soul_glo:

So where is the mutual love in the multiple beatings to the point of beating her unborn child out of her. What excuse could you possibly give for that? Good golly. At this point I am not sure why I still get surprised at the things I read on here.

It is a Nigerian problem you here your neighbours wife crying and screaming for help, most will turn a deaf ear saying its a family problem!

A man that pushes/shoves his wife can kill her,let alone beating a child out of her!

yellowpawpaw:
God bless u.
The family shouldn't hv gone without d middle man. U don't return money to the guy and his family. U return money to the kingsmen. There is no way due process is followed and the money will be rejected. If such happens, take it to ur king or chief.

Or, is it abuja marriage?

It was hopeless. We called the middleman to perform his duty but he was unwilling because he's an ally to the groom (he was appointed by the groom anyway because they're both from the same location) and this option has taken a long time but no solution
I'd buy the idea of the going to customary court as suggested by blank. I suspect these people have something under their sleeves. I just hope this process would not take much time unlike that of a law court. Right now my sister is down with anxiety and the trauma of losing her pregnancy, and nothing would give her much relief than to know that the marriage is annulled.

The analysis is clear from @tojos. The groom is not evil per se. People are predictable. Someone cannot change suddenly, except if they feel cheated. He has discovered that the bride has bad habits. However he should retrace his steps by going through the channel which enabled him to marry the bride. There is no allowance for beating the other party. This is enshrined in Nigeria constitution and advocated by the UN human rights declarations. Both Tort, customary and christian approaches allows for reconciliation . However, where one of the parties fears for their life. Then it becomes irreconcilable. At this point, all the parties and their supporters will bear witness to the permanent separation. Having said that, most of these men want to possess a woman who cannot be possessed. Women who play home and away, the Facebook generation who have so many secrets, etc. The moral is that most women should declare their attitude to the union, that the will keep their 'friends' after the union, instead of springing surprise on the groom. later on.

GeneralShepherd:

It is a Nigerian problem you here your neighbours wife crying and screaming for help, most will turn a deaf ear saying its a family problem!

A man that pushes/shoves his wife can kill her,let alone beating a child out of her!

Bunch of wusses. Sitting in their house listening to a fellow human being crying from a beating. Then they wake up in the morning and pray for God's grace and mercy as they go about their day. What grace and mercy? The same one you showed the woman that was being beaten?

blank: The reason I mentioned LGA is because the husband's people r refusing to collect the bride price. The reason I mentioned customary court is to give legal backing to the annulment just in case of tomorrow. You know Igbo traditional marriage is a full marriage and not engagement as others call it.

Thanks. I still want to know how long it would take the customary court to get this marriage annulled. I hope it would not be like that of law court.

Please stop using annulment within the context of this marriage. What you should be asking for is ways and means of obtaining a divorce from the groom for your sister. Annulment suggest that your sister was tricked into the marriage. That it should be null and void. From your story so far, she was not tricked. Her marriage has become untenable. Find a useful lawyer in your location. The lawyer will go to the lengths of establishing best practice for divorce on this failed marriage from the stakeholders.
It is that simple. People divorce everyday. Be careful to tell the truth for the divorce. Otherwise if you or your sister lies, then the other party can sue at any time for libel and perjury.

tojos:
Thanks. I still want to know how long it would take the customary court to get this marriage annulled. I hope it would not be like that of law court.

GeneralShepherd:

It is a Nigerian problem you here your neighbours wife crying and screaming for help, most will turn a deaf ear saying its a family problem!

A man that pushes/shoves his wife can kill her,let alone beating a child out of her!

It's not as if we wanted to end the marriage at the slightest scuffle but this abuse have been persistent inspite of our interventions. Read the third paragraph of my post. My sister lost her child as a result, who knows who would be next. We had to get her out of the marriage because her life is not guaranteed, and these are early signs of danger. Marriage is not suppose to be like that.
Mind you, I have two sisters that are happily married to their husbands.

GeneralShepherd:

Tell me just one thing you need to hear from this man to justify beating his wife! Wow! Some Nigerian men like you are the reason we are viewed like apes worldover! Learning curve my black a$$! Religion has deluded your brains, if God exists why would he standby and watch a man raging like a bull assault his wife?

You are vehemently condeming abuse, yet verbally abusing someone that offered his opinion. What do you think that says about your person? Ponder deeply!

Lightening:

You are vehemently condeming abuse, yet verbally abusing someone that offered his opinion. What do you think that says about your person? Ponder deeply!

I reserve no apologies for someone on a faceless that is suggesting a woman should workout a marriage with a savage that beat a child out of her! None at all! There comes a time where you know every diplomatic means has been exhausted and physically abusing anybody is that time

tojos:
it's not as if we wanted to end the marriage at the slightest scuffle but this abuse have been persistent inspite of our interventions. Read the third paragraph of my post. My sister lost her child as a result, who knows who would be next. We had to get her out of the marriage because her life is not guaranteed, and these are early signs of danger. Marriage is not suppose to be like that.
Mind you, I have two sisters that are happily married to their husbands.

Now look here tojos you all need to slow down and take it easy. Why the unseemly haste If you are really a man as your moniker suggests you would realise that emotional decisions taken at the heat of the moment are never the best.
Think coldly and logically about the scenario unfolding before your eyes.
What has she done to the man to provoke the man into physically dealing with her even at this very early stage into their marriage? What did he find out about her?
That is what you lot need to iron out. Otherwise the cycle could even repeat itself at her next marriage if there is one.

Your Lawyer would keep you up to date with the customary court proceedings and the duration

tensor777:
Now look here tojos you all need to slow down and take it easy. Why the unseemly haste If you are really a man as your moniker suggests you would realise that emotional decisions taken at the heat of the moment are never the best.
Think coldly and logically about the scenario unfolding before your eyes.
What has she done to the man to provoke the man into physically dealing with her even at this very early stage into their marriage? What did he find out about her?
That is what you lot need to iron out. Otherwise the cycle could even repeat itself at her next marriage if there is one.

Can anything justify hitting a woman? Unless maybe she attacked you physically and you defended yourself? Not all men are animals and savages,if he found out something damning about the wife why couldn't he divorce her? Will beating her change what has been to what has not?

There is no excuse for abuse,we need to stop rationalizing this sh!t!

GeneralShepherd:

I reserve no apologies for someone on a faceless that is suggesting a woman should workout a marriage with a savage that beat a child out of her! None at all! There comes a time where you know every diplomatic means has been exhausted and physically abusing anybody is that time

You have won the argument since. Neither am i seeking appologies from one random dude I will never meet. I only advised you to watch your manners. Goodday.

GeneralShepherd:
Can anything justify hitting a woman? Unless maybe she attacked you physically and you defended yourself? Not all men are animals and savages,if he found out something damning about the wife why couldn't he divorce her? Will beating her change what has been to what has not?
There is no excuse for abuse,we need to stop rationalizing this sh!t!

I am not sure why you keep quoting me. What's done is done. What is the way forward? You say divorce or annulment. I am saying a trial separation coupled counselling, prayers and fasting. That is all.
Meanwhile STOP quoting me.

Your story is really pathetic but wait a minute. Do you find out how your sister is behaving with this man? you said your sister is a nice woman, i agree, but didn't she date this man for sometime before they got married? i ask this question because my marriage is just a year and 6 months and if not for God and the fact that i am a widower with 2 boys, i would have sent her packing even the first month after marriage. For some women, their mouth is their undoing. I do not condone BATTERING THOUGH, but some women's mouth need to be locked for them to have a good marriage.

patpaul: Your story is really pathetic but wait a minute. Do you find out how your sister is behaving with this man? you said your sister is a nice woman, i agree, but didn't she date this man for sometime before they got married? i ask this question because my marriage is just a year and 6 months and if not for God and the fact that i am a widower with 2 boys, i would have sent her packing even the first month after marriage. For some women, their mouth is their undoing. I do not condone BATTERING THOUGH, but some women's mouth need to be locked for them to have a good marriage.

True that. Many men do have issues with explosive anger BUT something must have triggered it in this particular case the way I'm seeing it.
The man, as men do, is also keeping mute as to the cause of the conflict, although he still wants to preserve the union, which suggests its the woman's mouth that kicked things off.

Please post the bride price into your sister's father in law bank account and call it quit. what yeye bride price that would want their son to kill your sister. Marriage is not do or die.

yellowpawpaw: Since its an igbo marriage.
Simple.
The middleman with one or two elders should return the money and whatever that is needed to be returned.
Don't u guys have kingsmen?
Its their duty to do the needful.
Not a court thing at all.

dat is d real way forward my broad.

For those of you saying the marriage is barely 5 months old and that the lady should exercise patience, I don't think it's right for anyone to remain in a marriage with an abusive spouse! Yes, marriage is for better for worse but being battered is not the worse being talked about there, it's staying with your spouse in sickness, health, wealth or poverty! Like yoruba people always say: oju to ba maa ba ni kale kii ti aaro se ipin! If he is doing this 5 months into the union, what will he do when the marriage is 5 years old? No matter how 'razor-sharped' mouth a woman is, a real man should be able to control his temper!
In as much as I do not support divorce, I think sometimes it's better to be safe than sorry!

blank: Your family needs to call a family meeting where it is documented that the bride price should be returned and the bride is also in agreement. Then you have to go to customary court to get it annulled. Usually, the court will advise you to drop it at the "groom's" local government and inform them in writing before and after you do so. Then you guys are free to go.

Make sure you involve the customary court since it is not an amicable break-up.

Exactly what we did when my sister had roughly similar problem.