You’re on a dinner date with a woman. The
check arrives. Who pays?
Do you (the man) always pay? Do you split it?
Does the person who initiated the date pay?
Does it depend on how long you've been
dating? Does it depend on how well the date
has gone? Does it depend on other factors?
Does it really matter?
As you can probably guess, the responses I
received were all over the place. Some readers
insisting that the man should always pay (on
the first date anyhow). Others believing it
better to split the check. Some saying that the
person who initiated the date should pay. And
some with much more complicated and
detailed answers.
Probably the most common response was: the
man should offer to pay, but if the woman
wants to pay her half, that should be okay.
And the man should not make an idiot out of
himself by insisting on paying the whole thing.
If you’re looking for one simple-to-remember
rule then this would be the one to go with in
my humble opinion.
Of course, life is rarely simple. And dating...
never.
Let’s explore this particular situation in a
little more detail.
The most important thing to remember is what
the PURPOSE of the date is. Quite simply, you
want to have a good time; you want her to
have a good time; and you want to get to
know one another better. Who actually pays
for the meal is somewhat irrelevant.
Your paying for the meal is not your goal for
the evening. Her paying for her half or getting
a free meal is not her goal either. The goal is
to have an enjoyable evening together and to
find out how compatible the two of you are.
Adopting this simple attitude, when the check
arrives you’ll consider it fairly unimportant
who actually does the paying. It won’t really
matter to you if you pay for the whole thing or
she pays half or whatever. Heck, let her pay
for everything if she wants. It really doesn’t
matter. Remember the goal.
[One reason it's not a big deal is because you
haven't made the amateurish and sometimes
fatal mistake of trying to "buy" her... by taking
her to the most expensive restaurant in town.
The more expensive the restaurant or date, the
more stress and tension you induce into the
situation. Nice and inexpensive is the rule
(especially for the first few dates). If the
check's more than $30 or $40 total, you
screwed up. And ALWAYS have enough cash
with you to cover everything.]
On the other hand, just because you feel that
the check is no big deal doesn’t necessarily
mean that she will feel the same.
Maybe she wants you to pay for everything.
Maybe she wants to pay her half. Who pays
may be important to her, or it may not be
important to her. You don’t know. That’s why
you’re going to pay attention to certain clues
throughout the evening in order to "read" the
situation correctly.
Basically, there are two types of women that
you can be dining with.
On the one hand, there’s the lady who wants
the evening to be orchestrated for her. She
wants YOU to be in total control. She wants
YOU to plan everything and take care of all the
details. And she wants YOU to do your best to
impress her.
She doesn’t want to take part in planning the
date because she feels that how the date goes
will give her an indication of the type of
person you really are. She’s judging you
somewhat for how well you pull the date off.
She’s giving you the POWER, this particular
night, and she wants to see how well you
handle it. This is called a traditional dating
schema. (It's probably how your parents
dated.)
On the other hand, you could find yourself with
a lady who sees your dinner together as more
of a mutual evening out. As more of a simple
getting to know one another event. She wants
to be an active part of the date, helping to
decide what to do and where to go. She does
not want or expect the evening to be
"orchestrated" for her and she is not really
judging you by how "in control" you are. This
is called a modern dating schema. (Your
parents would be appalled.)
Now neither type is "better than" the other.
There are women who belong to each of the
two categories who are beautiful, charming,
intelligent, and who could make you quite the
euphorically happy chap.
And keep in mind that just because a girl has
a traditional dating schema does not
necessarily mean that she’s a "traditional"
girl. She may have tattoos and a ring through
her nose, but still prefer the evening be
planned and orchestrated for her. And just
because she has a modern dating schema
doesn’t mean she’s necessarily more of a
modern thinking lady. She may, in fact, have
very traditional values.
And neither dating schema is completely fixed.
That is, what happens on dates 2 - 10 may be
completely different than what happens on the
first date. You need to "read" each date
separately.
You can probably guess that if a woman has a
traditional dating schema she’s most likely
going to expect or prefer you to pay. That’s
fairly certain, especially on the first date.
The lady with the modern dating schema is
trickier to predict. She may prefer you to pay
for everything or she may prefer to split the
check. Or if she asked you out, she may even
want to pay for everything herself. (Remember
your goal. It doesn’t really matter to YOU,
does it?)
Now let’s think for a second about why she
may not want you to pay (and why you should
NEVER insist upon paying). Whenever we do a
favor for someone, any kind of favor, it creates
an imbalance in the relationship. Suddenly
one person "owes" the other person
something.
If the other person is a friend of ours we
usually don’t think too much about it. We
figure that eventually things will even out and
we’ll be paid back or pay back the other as
the case may be.
Well this woman you’re dining with may have
just met you, doesn’t know that much about
you, and doesn’t really even know if she likes
you or not. She does not want to be put into
the position of "owing" you anything. Thus,
she may want to pay herself in order to keep
the relationship (and power) in balance.
Now if you dismiss her offer to pay and insist
on paying for everything yourself, she’s going
to conclude, regardless of your intentions, that
you’re deliberately trying to create an
imbalance in the relationship. Deliberately
trying to make her feel obligated to you.
Deliberately trying to display power over her.
Or that in some perverse way you’re trying to
"buy" her. In any event, she’s going to react
NEGATIVELY and you will be killing any
chance you might have had.
None of us like others trying to control us.
Now some guys are so pathetic and have so
little self-confidence that they deliberately try
to use "paying the check" to create this
imbalance and sense of owing on the part of
the woman. These guys figure that if they pay
for the meal, then the woman’s going to be
indebted to them, and they might actually get
laid, or at least get another date.
Don’t be that stupid! Have a little confidence
in your ability to charm this lady with your
personality.
So the check arrives. You let it sit there on
the table for a minute or two to see what she
wants. If she says nothing, you pick it up and
pay. If she wants to pay for her half, gladly
accept.
You won’t have to ask her. She knows the
routine. She’s been on dates before. She
knows that if she wants to pay she needs to
say something. And if she doesn’t say
anything she’s expecting you to take care of
it.
You, of course, really don’t care.
Hmmmm. Maybe dating is simple.

Gud morning... I just dey wake, so I dey stroll...

MrIknowAll: Gud morning... I just dey wake, so I dey stroll...

wey yhu dey stroll go

Courtesy demands that a man pays or the initiator of the date as the case may be. I won't allow a lady to pay the bill on the first date even if that is going to create imbalance in her own view, we still have a lot date to go on which she too can pay, if she likes. Expect some Naija babes to pay on the first date and kill all the chances you might have.

herald9:
wey yhu dey stroll go

I dey stroll dey inspect post

MrIknowAll: I dey stroll dey inspect post

I didn't know we got a new IG of Nairaland...
buh lemme follow u for bk sha

herald9:
I didn't know we got a new IG of Nairaland...
buh lemme follow u for bk sha

That's a contract outing, not a date.

The worst thing that can happen to any girl is going out on a date without money in your purse or ATM cards.

(Vexmoney for short)

You are on your own!

All because of who go pay na him dis guy write NOVEL lik dis.... N u dey xpect make I read am..... Me no read am oo buh jus incase u wan knw my mind.... Na the Girl dey pay ooo

valdes00: All because of who go pay na him dis guy write NOVEL lik dis.... N u dey xpect make I read am..... Me no read am oo buh jus incase u wan knw my mind.... Na the Girl dey pay ooo

guy no b small thing ooo

person wey go pay na the host

If fixed the date then i will pay but if you fix then you should cos ladies fit chop expenses on top ur head
But it has been so in our father's time that the man pays