Good morning to everyone, especially Nigerian Americans. They need it most. Happy elections. Don't think I'm crazy for greeting you happy elections, in Nigeria we greet people about everything. You have to get used to this now because you are coming back home. So, Eku election.
I very much understand that you will soon be sent packing from there, so I have taken it upon myself to prepare you for the transition. You have just a little time left there, utilize that time to learn more about Nigeria that you are coming back to.
In Nigeria, we don't have light. Buy power bank while coming. Don't say I didn't tell you. Buy power Bank from there because the ones here are just like your marriages, they don't last. Buy a quality one from the abroad when coming. Also, make sure you charge your phone full before coming here. You should also save money for generator. Buy rechargeable lamps and plenty torchlight too.
Also, save enough money for subscription. There is no free WiFi here. For those of you that will be settling in Lokoja, Jidenna and Co, I'll advice you to buy a glo line. Their network is strong.
Save enough money for emergency transport. You will be deported to Nigeria and by the time you get to the airport, you will need to board a keke from the airport to the badagry refugee centre, from where your ancestors had been shipped to America before. Fuel don cost, transport don increase.
Do you eat moi moi? Learn it. In Nigeria you cannot sit down and order pizza anytime you want. The only order you can make is when you yell to the moi moi seller across the road to bring hot moi moi for you.
Learn proper home training. In Nigeria the only time the police will arrest your parents for hitting you is after you are dead already. And they will later settle the case as "a family affair". If you think you can come here to speak 'innit' for your parents, it's the neighbours that will help them beat you.
Are you a graduate? Doesn't matter. There is no job. Your American accent will not give you a job, except your father knows someone who knows another person that knows a politician, you won't have a job.
Dear American Lover Boy, Nnewi girl will not go Dutch with you. As a matter of fact, no Naija girl will go Dutch with you. You have to prove your masculinity by paying for the date. No one is splitting the bills with you when you take a girl on a date.
When you bruise with a stranger in the market, PLEASE CHECK IF YOUR PENIS IS STILL INTACT.
Learn the Nigerian names of common products. No one will sell "sausage rolls" for you. If you can't call it the Nigerian name- "Gala", no one would have time for you. Noodles is "Indomie". Pasta is "spaghetti". All seasoning is "maggi".
Dear American girl, you cannot dress anyhow you like. Your neighbours will eye you. The random old woman in the market will hiss at you. The random lady in the bus will preach to you. The area boys will jeer you. You might want to report "harassment" to the police, they will arrest you for indecent dressing.
Dear lovers, in Nigeria we don't show public display of affection. You cannot be kissing your boyfriend under the rain. The old woman passing by will invoke thunder to strike the both of you.
These are some of the basic tips to help you adapt.
it doesn't matter if your great great grandparents were shipped from Africa 300 years ago. When you get to Nigeria, your relatives will sniff you out. Yes, in Africa we recognise family, no matter how far they might have strayed. So don't be shocked if some old people show up and claim to be your distant cousins. They have seen your invisible tribal marks.
Don't get too used to Harry Porter and other cute witches you know. In Nigeria we have real witches. When they mean you they follow you everywhere you go. Greet that old woman with respect, for you may not know who will be massaging your destiny.
Black American gangsters, what you have in America are prisons, juvenile centres and correctional facilities. See sweet names. What we have in Nigeria is kiri-kiri, dodan and real prisons. Here they don't wear cute uniforms and have electricity. Behave o!
There are only three types of genders in Nigeria- Male, female and abomination. If you call yourself transgender, or cross dresser, or anything like that, Africans will not recognise you as normal. The only place you can have any level of significance is on Instagram with Derenle, Bobrisky and Co.
This is not America o, you can't go tent-camping in the forest at night. Ritualists will grab you and oh Fadalurd, you are going to be another person's source of wealth.
Get rid of your Halloween costumes. In Nigeria the only festival we have are the new yam festivals and we don't need costumes, unless you are one of the masquerades sha.
There is nothing cute in Nigeria! If you wake up and see a cat in your house at midnight, don't stand there saying "Awwwn awwn". Shout BLOOD OF JESUS!!!!"
You can't come here to do
# blacklivesmatter . In Naija we are all blacks. Police will shoot you for 20 naira and you can't do anything about it. Better respect yourself.
Don't call older people by name if you don't want a head modification slap. This is not America where you call people's grandparents by name. Here we call people by the name of their first children. If you don't know the name of their first child, call them "Uncle".
In Nigeria, there is nothing like depression o. There is no shrink that will evaluate you psychologically. If you are feeling down, take panadol and sleep. If you wake up the same way, visit your pastor.
Don't bother about tax the government doesn't take it too seriously. But you must pay your tithes else the Nigerian God will be pissed off. And according to an intense research by Sam Adeyemi, if you piss the Nigerian God off he visits you with mental illness.
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Written by a Facebook friend; Victor Daniel.
You can visit his blog www.jollofnigerian.com for more creative write ups.

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