I once called my ex’s latest side chick. Lol. Yeah. I used to be that silly. I knew who she was and she knew who I was. They had once been flatmates and she knew that we were dating. I suspected that they were sleeping with each other but had no concrete confirmation. She was always friendly to me whenever I was around but my female intuition told me that there was a chemistry between them. But I left it. Anyway, after Dafe and I got a place together, I was still seeing calls and texts between them. By this time, the families had done the introduction at home, and I was expecting our son. So, I thought that maybe, she did not know that we were still together so, I picked the phone to let her know. I did not have the intention of insulting her or anything, just wanted her to know that he had a bae. So, I called her and introduced myself (again, considering that she already knew me, I don’t know why I felt the need to introduce myself), and she said she knew who I was. I then proceeded to give my carefully researched speech about how I was his fiancée and was starting a family with him and all that. She no even let me finish the speech before she told me that she knew all these. So?

Ah toh. I just jejeli dropped the phone. I say mek I respek myself. Because it was actually a very stupid thing to have called her. Phoebe was her name. From Zimbabwe. Phoebe from Zimbabwe. Phoebe was not my partner. Phoebe’s family did not go to do introduction with my family. Phoebe did not ask me to marry them. Phoebe did not put a ring on it ke. Dafe did all these so, by extension, it was Dafe that owed me loyalty, not Phoebe.

I am in an African American (AA) secret group on Facebook. You know how secret groups are on Facebook. Kinky. If you have not been initiated into a secret group on Facebook, you have not lived o. Things that people would not dare put on their personal walls, they will gleefully put it out there in a secret group. There is something about secret groups that makes you feel dangerous. Anyway, I digress. So, this AA girl came to complain about her boyfriend’s wife. Yes, you heard that right. Boyfriend’s wife. Apparently, this my secret group member had been dating the guy before he got married and he went and married another girl. My girl was hurt but she sucked it up and moved on. But the guy kept getting in touch with her. And the wife found out and decided to tell my girl that she should lay off her husband.

BIG!!! MISTAKE!!! The ex girlfriend that was hurting and jejeli moving on with her life went livid. So, she decided to kukuma start dating the guy. Again. Big time. And she made sure that he did not go home for days whenever he came round to hers. She filled him up with food, sex and booze and companionship. The wife at home, she did not ‘hexpet’ it. At first, she would call the girl outside to cuss her out. The more she did this, the more the girl outside gave him food, sex, booz and companionship. So tay, the wife at home now knew that the man has two ‘wives’ now. So, whenever she needed the man and he was not anywhere to be seen, she would call the girl outside and beg her to please let the man come home. O jentu. She gentle. She had to! But all the sherenren would not happened had she not called the girl outside. Trust those AA girls, they were egging the member on. Me, with my Naija mentality, come and say please na. Stop it. If you were not good enough for him to marry, he should not be coming to shag you na. The girl said, if he even now divorced his wife and asked her to marry him, she would not. That she would not be able to trust his cheating arse. That she was not even interested in him after he fashied her for the other girl but it was the girl’s calling her to warn her off that got her angry. And now, she is not leaving the man o. Not until she meets someone else. The wife at home, ‘o fi owo ara e se ara e’ – she used her hand to (un)do herself.

I saw a video recently. A wife went to a side chicks house to go and confront her. She no know say the sidechick get koret ‘Bingo’ for house. Na so the sidechick come tell Bingo to go get the wife. Come and see scrambling and screaming ehn? It was humiliating for the wife. Oun t’oju wa l’oju ri’ – na de tin the eye dey find, na im e dey see. Stay away from the person outside. They did not promise to love you. Your partner did. Where one person’s madness ends is where the next person’s own starts. You fit go there dey tink say you fit do madness, come find out say de oda persin’s madness na oga of your own madness.

Booooooooorinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng!

Is that a Poem??