ihsann:

Dont have one but still, to anyone like that I would make her life hell (on the sly) so it's her who goes and it aint none of by business!!  
Or to be more grown up just try to get along wit her;  let her go out as much as possible e.g takin grankids out ect. so you aint both eva left alone together so you dont argue, make sure theres as little possible chances of confrontation.

Dumboe airhead. . .MAY you NEVER have ONE for your EVIL statement!

I think it is up to the daughter-in-law to set boundaries thta will determine they way she interacts with her mother in law. People always treat you the way you let them treat you.
If your mother in law is walking all over you in your own home, it is because she knows you will let her get away with it - she can smell your weakness. It is up to you to stand up to her

Siena:

Interesting thread.

I'd like to think my mother would be reasonable, and know way before she out stayed her time in our home. My home is for myself and my wife, not for my parents to take up permanent residence.

It's nothing to do with the fact my wife and myself need privacy - we do, but even if I was single, I'd still need my space, and my mother knows that. As per her taking up permanent residence in our home, and raising cain with my wife, it's not happening. I myself would tell my mom that my wife makes the decisions in our home, after myself. I am the man of the house, and no one would run my home other than myself and my wife. I'm not some sissy husband that cowers in a corner, hoping my wife would tell my mother things I'd like to say myself, I'll say them.

Respect is a two-way street - if my mother doesn't respect my wife, she automatically disrespects me, so she shouldn't be surprised if I don't back her up when she and my wife have a disagreement. Respect is a priviledge, not a right - you want it, you earn it, regardless of your age, simple.

In Nigeria, people seem to think just because one's older, they automatically get respect. One of the reasons Nigeria's so screw'd up - we never question things we don't agree with, just because something's been traditional for centuries, doesn't make it right. The days of 3 generations living under the same roof have long gone.

The only reasonable reply so far, when will men ever grow out of child-mom fantasy shior

@Siena,

No person prays to be a nuisance or a liability. If your aged mom becomes ill (diabetes) I bet you would dump her in an elderly home rather than allow her to come her disturb you(her only son) and your wife.

Most girls/wives are already n the defensive when dealing with a MIL when she hasnt even said anything. lil wonder why 80% of mother in Laws ar called witches in Naija.

If you as a girl decide to have peace with your mother in Law then most likely you would. I knew rhis because my mom and granny were like Mother and daughter. They used to go to market, parties and even sit together in church.

What is wrong with us? Why not spend all the enrgy u have loving your in laws instaed of amking thier lives hell. Believe me, when u have the guys mom even when you are wrong she will satnd up for you. Treat her and love her like your mom. Give her all the respect, suck up to her, she gave u a wonderful man, the man you are spending ur life with,she did that, she has earned your love and respect

I would never overstay at my son's home. I am widowed and sometimes feel lonely BUT I've managed to keep myself occupied with gardening and drawing and I have my circle of friends as well. I too have been a daughter-in-law and its not easy having 2 queens in the home. I have befriended my sons wife and we respect each other totally. Its her home and i cannot run it for her. I give her suggestions in a way that is not offensive because I treat her like my daughter but I also respect her space.

@topic, if my mother in law is nice, helpful n not troublesome, then NO qualms
But if she is not nice or helpful n she's troublesome, den wahala dey oh - she
gats to go by every means, even by force sef or thugs/police - I don't bl*ody care!

I would never overstay at my son's home. I am widowed and sometimes feel lonely BUT I've managed to keep myself occupied with gardening and drawing and I have my circle of friends as well. I too have been a daughter-in-law and its not easy having 2 queens in the home. I have befriended my sons wife and we respect each other totally. Its her home and i cannot run it for her. I give her suggestions in a way that is not offensive because I treat her like my daughter but I also respect her space.


I agree with you. And if you want a strong good relationship with your daughter or son in law please don't overstay.It is only advisable to stay long when the mother in-law is sick and needed to look after but if in good health it is not always favourable pls give the couple chance to run their own home.
And I think the problem here is being BOSSY, my mother in-law can stay as much as she wants so far she gives me or my husband respect due to us. please a mother in-law should know that both the daughter or son in-law has to be respected too.in a situation where a mother in-law will be dictating what will happen and would like to control the affairs of the house in her sons' or daughters' home is unacceptable to me she should leave with my husbands consent- be it my own mother or my mother in-law.

My mother-in-law came for our wedding and has been living with us since then about three years now. She is widowed and my hubby is her only son. She doesn't boss me or cause unnecessary trouble. My only problem with her is that is too lazy. She dosen't help out at home, just stay one place and expect to be served. I am a working mother with 2 kids and one expects she should help out especially with the kids. Aside this, she is ok and i dont mind her staying with us permanently.

So pls try and ignore her and pretend she doesnt exist, with time she will be frustrated and tired. The moment u start quarelling with her, it will give her more strength and reason to figth u.

Imme:

My mother-in-law came for our wedding and has been living with us since then about three years now. She is widowed and my hubby is her only son. She doesn't boss me or cause unnecessary trouble. My only problem with her is that is too lazy. She dosen't help out at home, just stay one place and expect to be served. I am a working mother with 2 kids and one expects she should help out especially with the kids. Aside this, she is ok and i dont mind her staying with us permanently.

So pls try and ignore her and pretend she doesnt exist, with time she will be frustrated and tired. The moment u start quarelling with her, it will give her more strength and reason to figth u.

That is a problem and that is not fair.
it will be fair for her to get up and clean the kids and at least help around the house.
However, make sure u dont boss her around, cos she is a mother to you.

Only mothers that are idle will overstay, is it my mother that could not attend my 2 graduations because of her busy schedule will come and overstay in my house? i dont think she will even come to my house if there is a friction btw her and my wife. Even if she is terminally ill, my mum will love to do her thing and let me do mine.

I will not even marry a gal that will not take my mother as her mother. If u cant love my mum then u must be from the bottomless pit of hell. But for my wife's mother she can stay as long as she like. I will have to accept her since I have married her daughter and if her own daughter is not complaining about her presence who am I to complain.

mairodi:

I would never overstay at my son's home. I am widowed and sometimes feel lonely BUT I've managed to keep myself occupied with gardening and drawing and I have my circle of friends as well. I too have been a daughter-in-law and its not easy having 2 queens in the home. I have befriended my sons wife and we respect each other totally. Its her home and i cannot run it for her. I give her suggestions in a way that is not offensive because I treat her like my daughter but I also respect her space.

u are blessed indeed but most women are not like u, women just can't stand other women period!

dayokanu:

@Siena,

No person prays to be a nuisance or a liability. If your aged mom becomes ill (diabetes) I bet you would dump her in an elderly home rather than allow her to come her disturb you(her only son) and your wife.

Most girls/wives are already n the defensive when dealing with a MIL when she hasnt even said anything. lil wonder why 80% of mother in Laws ar called witches in Naija.

If you as a girl decide to have peace with your mother in Law then most likely you would. I knew rhis because my mom and granny were like Mother and daughter. They used to go to market, parties and even sit together in church.

Now you're twisting the topic here, as most Nigerians do.

We're not talking about aged and ill mothers-in-law, we're talking about bossy, disruptive mother-in-laws that move into their son's / daughter's home, and try laying down the law in a house she should have no control over. Did you read this thread from the beginning?

As I stated previously, it may work for some, and not for others. I and my wife like our privacy, so a permanent live-in mother / mother-in-law doesn't bode well with us.

And stop making silly assumptions that I would dump my mom in an elderly home. My mom is not the sort to take up permanent residence in our home. Besides, what makes you think my mom's still alive? Keep your sticky beak out of my business! 

na2day?:

u are blessed indeed but most women are not like u, women just can't stand other women period!

Yeah let me see how you would take it if your wife's dad moves his belongings to your house and begins to dictate how your home should be run. Let me see how men can stand men.

She is free to stay for as long as she wants, but she cannot boss anyone around.  The son should be observant enough and it his responsibility to set his mother straight.

stillwater:

Yeah let me see how you would take it if your wife's dad moves his belongings to your house and begins to dictate how your home should be run. Let me see how men can stand men.

well, men generally have a high tolerance level for other men, we quickly find a common bond but not u women

My MIL came to stay with us when I was 6mnths preg 4 our first baby and did not leave until she was 4mnths i.e she stayed 4 7mnths. In as much i'll always appreciate all her efforts and asistance through-out that period i must a say it wasnt easy at all for me and my hubby. as at the time our baby was 4mths she wasnt still ready to leave so my hubby had to tell her we were travellin 4 the xmas before she packed her bags, men it was such a great relief.

jjuummaaii:

My MIL came to stay with us when I was 6mnths preg 4 our first baby and did not leave until she was 4mnths i.e she stayed 4 7mnths. In as much i'll always appreciate all her efforts and asistance through-out that period i must a say it wasnt easy at all  for me and my hubby. as at the time our baby was 4mths she wasnt still ready to leave so my hubby had to tell her we were travellin 4 the xmas before she packed her bags, men it was such a great relief.

I wish i knew your MIL, i would send this message to her.
How sad it is to realize you are so unwanted. 
That said, how do we define overstaying anyway. Is there a time frame?
Obviously not; so it could last from a few minutes for some people to longer.

Probably all the brohaha could be avoided if there is a marriage contract or constitution or policy, which will state the terms and conditions of the marriage and all party will read it, agree to and sign it. That way these disagreements and paranoia will become a thing of the past. The marriage constitution can be reviewed/updated every few years. I know all the women here condemning MILs, were so sweet and kind to the old women before they married their son. Sheep in wolves clothing if you ask me.

the question should be rephrased

when we say overstaying Mother in law?? what do we mean?? is it a non-bossy mother inlaw that is old and sick and decides to move in with her son or the other non residentmother inlaw that is bossy and bithcy??

well the problem is not wth the mother inlaw the problem is with the Ladies of this generation. most of them are less qualified every day to be wives talk less of mothers

a lot of girls get into marriage with a pre-med thot that this is war if any of my inlaws cross my path i would exterminate them. so even b4 the inlaws attempt to say anything she is already in fighthing mode.

please note not all mother inlaws dictate to their son's wife, like Jumai said she really appreciated all her efforts b4 and after she gave birth but she wanted her to leave.

well my wife is lucky that my mom is late, i wish my mom is alive and she moves in with me and let my wife raise an opposition, that day marraige would end. i would never ever put my mom in a nursing home.

and note not all mothers are dictators u girls make it look like all men have wicked mothers.

@Imme

if u can i know u would be quick to turn ur mother inlaw into a house help, u say she is lazy maybe when u r her age u may function like a maid to ur own child's wife

go and hire a professional help since u r a working class lady and u can afford it

let me catch u send that woman an errand then u would know that ur husband is not her only child. i would volunteer to adopt her.

@ Kaecy

God knows i can never send my MIL on errand. But for Christ's sake, is it a crime 4 a woman to carry her own grand child while her daughter in-law prepares dinner? I have grand mother and knows how she used to be fond of me and my siblings.

I have househelp and there are sometimes both of us can be busy maybe my help is watching children's clothes and i am cooking, and the baby needs to be attended to, a good grand mother is suppose to carry the baby in such situations and not just waiting for me to divide myself into two.

I am not complaining because even my sister-in-law that also stays with me dont help out in the hosue chores not to talk of their mother. I do my chores at my pace and pray to God to give her her own husband so she will leave my house. But aside from helping out in the house, they dont give me any other problem.

If the overstaying in-law is sibbling, they are easy to be told to waka, but if they are the parents, nothing much could be done

biina:

She is free to stay for as long as she wants, but she cannot boss anyone around.

Fantastic!

snowdrops:


That said, how do we define overstaying anyway. Is there a time frame?
Obviously not; so it could last from a few minutes for some people to longer.

My mother can stay in my house forever if she wants to. Even my wife's mother can
stay forever.

They are both my mothers and they are more than welcome at anytime. . . without CALLING!

Once more, am so shocked at the women on this forum. Your mother in law should be your best friend oh cos you both lov ethe same man and the man u love was 70% her hand work. Love her, pet her, suck up to her, she deserves it. I have always treated mine not only as a mom but as my fgriend and believe me she is my main source of consolation cos oga can misbehave, her love and support has seen me tru a lot.
You guys cannot even imagine wat u re missing by making an enemy of the most importanat woman in ogas life

I cant live in the same house with another adult woman for more than a few months and that includes my own mum. Two captains can't head a ship and both my mum and MIL are both strong willed people and so am I. About 2 years ago my MIL came to stay, hubby was broke, so I paid for her ticket and shopped my backside off to make sure she lacked nothing. My MIL came and complained about everything, especially how extravagant I was, spending her sons money like there was no tomorrow!! At a point she started complaining that 'her son' was doing womens work cos he washed his dishes after his usual midnite snack and i had the guts to be in bed sleeping. Meanwhile, I have a full time job and also run my own bizness. I tried my best to be nice and sweet till it was time for her to go back and then told hubby I too was broke. She had to travel backto the east by road and all the usual goodies I used to buy whenever she visits were not forthcomming. By December when my usual stream off goodies did not arrive, she called 'her son', he now explained to her that all these years the stuff had been coming from me and not from him and that due to the biz climate I was shouldering a lot more responsibility around the house, so things were tight.
Since then she has treated me with some level of respect and the realtionship we had has improved tremendously. Part of what causes problems is the belief many women have that their son is perfect and the daughetr in law is just a parasite leaching off their son. Its so sad that women who are or were married and have daughters would want to treat their DIL's like crap and the sons are usually to cowardly to defend their wives. Instead beg her to endure.

Wow, this is just mean, 

It's funny how MILs are treated with a 10ft pole by ladies who themselve aspire to be MILs by God's grace.

I think it is one of those confusing situations that we men control just to be able to keep the word "I do" in high esteem.You need to know your MIL, own her for the remaining part of her life on earth (God knows how long she has left).

Don't be surprised at resulting events from lack of communication between both of you  . The man intervenes with an explanation or (truce), that should have happened in a sweet way like mother to daughter if such choices was an option. Never paint a false financial picture,  it always fades with the mist and every MIL knows that because they've been there .

Ladies, I trust a woman's judgement because she is the one behind the heat but just know that you still need a source of inspiration, a mentor and definitely the one that tutored that man that swept you off your feet and then be ready to reproduce "same" when it is your time to do so,

You missed it? then you might end up being the MIL that slept at car park. I guess what goes around comes around, lol

Lol don't mind them. A lot of them just remark that they automatically never want to have their MILs around.
The hate for MILs is basically innate in them?

Like seriously. For what reason do you despise your MIL? She hasn't even done anything wrong. The mere word "Mother in Law" already makes you cringe.

Who are these men here yarning dust? Just think of your wife's dad moving in with you guys and telling you how to take care of his daughter at every turn. Puts it in better perspective huh?

spoilt:

Who are these men here yarning dust? Just think of your wife's dad moving in with you guys and telling you how to take care of his daughter at every turn. Puts it in better perspective huh?

About three other people have asked this same question but it has been ignored.

Not all mother in-laws, son in-laws , daughter in-laws, etc are bad it depends on individual but i have two cases here .- A woman went to do "omugwo" ie to take care of her daughters' new born baby as a tradition in igbo land. Her Son in-law has an apprentice under him that was yrs back when traders travel to buy their goods with cash,so he called the apprentice in the night & gave him the money to travel with since he will leave very early in the morning. When the boy wanted to leave he started looking for the money his master gave him all to no avail, he reported it to his master and after thorough search the money could not be found , he reported the matter to the police who nearly tortured the boy to death but the boy was still pleading his innocence, still in the police custody. the day the MIL was about to go , they bought so many things for her , An the SIL took her to the park,while they were bringing her belongings down as God will have it , the huge money fell down when one of the hands of the bag cut, the SIL did not say anything , he just asked the MIL to go back inside the car he drove her straight to the house and called his wife.His intention was to send his wife home with her mother if not that at the breaking of the news The Wife gave her mother two hot slap, crying & rolling on the ground and asking her mother if her plan was to render she & her Husband bankruptcy, making the husband to realize that his wife's wasn't part of the plan.

The other is where a mother goes to omugwo and the husband noticed that anytime her MIL comes around his wife's behaviors changed that the wife will start displaying bad attitude and once her mother leaves she will become a caring and obedient wife she used to be, the SIL has to barre the MIL from coming and still then they have been living peacefully,no more problems in the house , please will u still want your MIL to stay?. Please it is just a question.

A mother in-law certainly has a stake in her son's life. Afterall its her sons home. I dont understand why women and their mother inlaws neva blend. Probably a kind of weakness on the part of the man becos he now starts loving one to the exclusion of the other. Maybe she is not happy where she is , maybe she is lonely, a widow and maybe you did not allow your husband to buy her a cable t.v. so she can watch African magic. Or you are forming sisi london 4 the local woman? If u really love your husband you will not see his mom as a nuisance.

If you still feel so strongly about the matter, simply pour otapiapia into her food and be done with the witch forever.

Dimka 76:

A mother in-law certainly has a stake in her son's life. Afterall its her sons home. I dont understand why women and their mother inlaws neva blend. Probably a kind of weakness on the part of the man becos he now starts loving one to the exclusion of the other. Maybe she is not happy where she is , maybe she is lonely, a widow and maybe you did not allow your husband to buy her a cable t.v. so she can watch African magic. Or you are forming sisi london 4 the local woman? If u really love your husband you will not see his mom as a nuisance.

If you still feel so strongly about the matter, simply pour otapiapia into her food and be done with the witch forever.

The house belong to the woman too.