24 THINGS WE'VE LEARNT FROM NOLLYWOOD !!!

1. Every problem you have is spiritual.
2. In every romance movie, someone must die.
3. It is possible to hit a person without
actually touching them!
4. Anyone who gets hit by a car dies immediately.
5. Poisoned food always tastes better.
6. The best way to make money is by visiting a 'Babalawo' / joining a
cult / sleeping with rich men.
7. One of a pair of twins (identical or not) is born evil.
8. There is never an end to your suffering, except death!
9. With a pastor , all things are possible.
10. A movie can be titled anything, such as:
*The boy is mine,
* Face me, I face you,
*Two rats,
*Spanner,
*Calculator,
*Igala,
*Ijele,
*Igodo,
*Igudu,
*Shigidi,
11. A movie has not been made if at least one actor/actress has not-
'shelled', twisted his/her lips to speak wrong phonetics'.
12. You are in love, you want to take your girl out, the best place
you take her to is,
*Mr. Biggs/Tantalizers: where you'll most probably see an ex while feeding each other.
*The beach: where it is imperative that you ride a donkey and carry her playfully.
*Or the best: take her to buy some new ugly clothes.
13. An Igbo movie has been made if ,
* You visit a 'Babalawo'
* A fleet of cars is shown off at regular intervals for a total of half of the movie time.
* Kanayo 'O' Kanayo is in the movie. Pete Udochie is also there too!
* To get rich it is mandatory you join a cult
14. Gun shots and knock-outs sound the same!
15. Sometimes the title has absolutely nothing to do with the movie and other times, once you read the title and
seethe poster you know it all!!! (Also the soundtrack gives you a headache because it just narrates the whole
story repeatedly - so much for suspense and intrigue!)
16. A love story has not been produced if it does not have one or two of the following actresses:-
* Stella Damascus
* Stephanie Okereke
* Genevieve Nnaji
* Omotola Jalade
* Rita Dominic
17. The police are extremely 'efficient' unlike their counterparts in real life.
18. An actress can wear the same hairdo for more than a year and even in longer flashbacks.
19. It is permissible to wear very dark shades at night!
20. When you are shot in the chest, it really doesn't matter; your head will be bandaged! Same for your legs!
21. When advertising a movie, you really should shout because, people are deaf?
22. When you are extremely poor, you will still be able to afford- very
good furniture, T.V., but you won't be able to send your kids to school.
23. Most especially in Yoruba movies, your gateman must be inefficient and comical. He MUST dress like a freak,
be rude to all your visitors and never mind his business.
24. the bad guy always dies or gets caught by none other than the police- LOL!!!!

true true true

i love 20,22,nd 23 its real lol

this really got me cracking' up!

;d

Oh my world! that is creative.

Rib cracking , but its true

give us some more, please!

I thank you - this is what i keep telling people but NO o they don't see it!!!
14, 15, 20 and 21 are really what gets to me!

:d

:d

you forgot to add
aki and pawpaw must always act together. like damn, even if they were twins, must they always be together? i'm sick of seeing both of them all the time. those 2 little gerbils.

Lol that's true

d 25th lesson

the sound of the advertisements in the beginning/middle of the film must be louder than the actual dialogue during the film. like c'mon, sometimes, you can't even hear what they're saying even at the loudest volume.
and lawad, that powerpoint presentation thing has got to go! its so embarrassing!

true^^
it's embarassing


i'm glad 30 days ad (well, from what i saw), isn't that bad!!

are they improving

4 where?

All wat u posted are very true and besides i av 2 questions.wat is nollywood and where is it located?

nice one @ poster

nollywood is naija hollywood.it's located in , in,
maybe united states of africa

is true

;d

@olunifemi

You are a classic!  LOL I wan quench with laughter!!! 
Let us not forget that Patience Ozokwo must be the demonic mother in law of all actors!

What about the nauseating "spanner" group of actors--Osuofia- Ukwa(Mr, I Go Chop Ya Dollar EE!), Mr Ibu, Victor Osuagwu and the rest of the bloody nuisances in the name of raunchy comedy?  Or the Buffoonic- gun - totting - geriatric - rascal called Hank Anuku? The one and only Rambo abi Terminator of Nollywood!

Best of all, all the Igwes, palace chiefs, villagers, elders all act in all the movies irrespective of the villages mentioned.  Same old sorry wrinkled faces! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  As for getting some white men or indians to act in Nollywood , any albino will do the trick or half caste with strong bini or urhobo accent!

militia, you too funny o!

Don't worry soulpatrol, I will think of more. I have watched so many Nigerian movies that I am frankly tired of their antics. Not improving at all! Those Igbo gals with their "igbo" phonetics na wah! At least the yoruba movies we know they are speaking yoruba. Amazingly enough 95% of the artistes are "theatre arts" graduates! But still terrible actors and actresses. I will not call names out of respect for what they think they are doing.

Good one for y'all. Have you ever watched Nigerian actors and actresses kiss on screen? You will think it is the whole head they use--nothing is visible except the necks!

nollywood is a full description of the ibo cuture.rituals, Cannibal,Criminals,Prostitution,Lesbian, Gays and Gold Diggers.

MILITIA:

What about the nauseating "spanner" group of actors--Osuofia- Ukwa(Mr, I Go Chop Ya Dollar EE!), Mr Ibu, Victor Osuagwu and the rest of the bloody nuisances in the name of raunchy comedy? Or the Buffoonic - gun - totting - geriatric rascal-Hank Anuku? The one and only Rambo abi Terminator of Nollywood!

Best of all, all the Igwes, palace chiefs, villagers, elders all act in all the movies irrespective of the villages mentioned. Oh! As for getting some white men or indians to act in Nollywood, any albino will do the trick or half caste with strong bini or urhobo accent!