Hello

Please help me. Am i being unreasonable.

I got married to my husband 12 years ago. He has previosly bought some land but not developed it yet due to financial hardships. When i was a newly wed my sister in law mentioned “oh this is land my brother bought for mum”

I asked my husband later and he laughed it off & said its not like that. I just left it at that & did not think more of it.

Recently things got better and after 9yrs of marriage & sacrifices from both of us he had enough to start building & by Gods grace the house is now nearly complete. Its two flats.

My mum in law has now moved to the house - which is great as we always say she will move into one flat and the other one is for us & our children. For when we visit Nigeria from abroad where we stay.

However recently my husband mentioned his brother & family will be moving in too. He has 3 children. I have made it clear that anyone can move in but the other flat should be left alone for our family. Im not sure that will happen.

It seems as though my husband’s family is under the inpression that this house is his mothers. It seems like back then my husband bought this land for his mother. And it seems the narrative in nigeria is its her house.

I honestly feel a bit stupid as i have two sons & in 12 yrs of marriage i sacrifised to build a house that i or my children have no say in. I made sacrifices to build house for others.

I love my mother in law & husband’s family. They are good to me. I just feel there is a breakdown of communication. Husband should have told me this is mums house or make it clear to his family now that this is OUR house but others are welcome to stay on our terms. But honestly i dont think i am even seen as an entity or “shareholder” of this house.

Please help on how i can deal with this withought upsetting my inlaws & my husband.

I must add i am not Nigerian by birth.

Seriously, forget it.

It could cost you your marriage.

I must add i am not Nigerian by birth.

So, in your country, what offence did the Husband's family commit?

Davash222:
[b][/b]
So, in your country, what offence did the Husband's family commit?

I never said they commited any offence. Please i am looking for constructive advice.

Your husband f00led you. That's the simple definition. Since the notion of openness is alien to him, what you have to do is to stop investing your sweat on an idea you have no say or control. As regards the property in Nigeria, it is only ideal at this stage to let go. Count your losses and do what you can to prioritize your kids' future moving forward. You should count your losses 'cos a property you were made to build deceitfully (one with which you have no say) is truly a loss. It doesn't matter for what purpose you were made to build deceitfully - Mother, Mother-in-Law, Father, Ahmadioha, etc.

If you are not good enough to make decisions in your home or choose what to do with your property, your money should also be bad enough for everyone to avoid. You are not a tree.

Demobbb:
Hello
Please help on how i can deal with this withought upsetting my inlaws & my husband.

I must add i am not Nigerian by birth.

Please forget it.
There is nothing you can do.
It's a fight you can't win.
Nigerian families have entitlement mentality.
Start saving money secretly so you can have something for your kids.

Your husband wasn't entirely sincere with you from the start.He bought the land for his mother/family.
Do investments in your own name or have written agreements if you want it done with your husband.

It doesn't always pay to be a peaceful person some situations requires you to stand up and fight before you will get what is rightfully yours.
I've learnt in life that people will always ignore, neglect and hurt people who they see as posing no threats whatsoever to them.

Demobbb:
Hello

Please help me. Am i being unreasonable.

I got married to my husband 12 years ago. He has previosly bought some land but not developed it yet due to financial hardships. When i was a newly wed my sister in law mentioned “oh this is land my brother bought for mum”

I asked my husband later and he laughed it off & said its not like that. I just left it at that & did not think more of it.

Recently things got better and after 9yrs of marriage & sacrifices from both of us he had enough to start building & by Gods grace the house is now nearly complete. Its two flats.

My mum in law has now moved to the house - which is great as we always say she will move into one flat and the other one is for us & our children. For when we visit Nigeria from abroad where we stay.

However recently my husband mentioned his brother & family will be moving in too. He has 3 children. I have made it clear that anyone can move in but the other flat should be left alone for our family. Im not sure that will happen.

It seems as though my husband’s family is under the inpression that this house is his mothers. It seems like back then my husband bought this land for his mother. And it seems the narrative in nigeria is its her house.

I honestly feel a bit stupid as i have two sons & in 12 yrs of marriage i sacrifised to build a house that i or my children have no say in. I made sacrifices to build house for others.

I love my mother in law & husband’s family. They are good to me. I just feel there is a breakdown of communication. Husband should have told me this is mums house or make it clear to his family now that this is OUR house but others are welcome to stay on our terms. But honestly i dont think i am even seen as an entity or “shareholder” of this house.

Please help on how i can deal with this withought upsetting my inlaws & my husband.

I must add i am not Nigerian by birth.

You could have asked hubby about the land and get clarification on who's name is in the land documents and who actually paid for it

Well, if the name belongs to your husband, let him know the importance of keeping the other apartment for you guys, so that when you come home, you will have a place to stay and enjoy your holiday

If another family member moves in, it will be difficult to ask him to leave as you guys will be coming home for holidays

But if the documents bears yoir mother in laws name, that's the end, it belongs to the entire family, irrespective of who builds the house

Lastly you guys can save and buy another land that will bear your own family names, including your own name then start building it

Don't allow all these wannabe-just people to mislead you and sow a seed of discord in your marriage. They're always quick to see injustice or oppression where there is none but are usually quick to turn daft where there is one. More so, they do the worst covertly and overtly. I wager your husband's mindset right from when he bought the land has always been to make it a residential house for the immediate family and still holds on to that mindset now that the nuclear family has come and is part and parcel of the immediate family.

Provided that he has told you that the land/house is his, which by extension is yours and the kids, don't bother yourself. You can, however, go further to ask him to show you a copy of the C.O. if he hasn't done that and if truly he has always given you justifiable reasons to doubt his good intentions towards you and the union in general.

The fact that he allegedly didn't tell you engagingly and have your consent before allowing his brother to move into the other flat isn't enough reason for you or anyone to automatically conclude that the house belongs to his mother or that he doesn't acknowledge your contributions and consider you part owner of the house or has bad intentions toward you. It could instead have been as a result of him not knowing that you don't have full confidence in him or are contentious - once more, this is assuming that he has.always had a good intention towards you and the union in general.

Given that he isn't coming from an affluent background - the fact that his mother and sibling have a need to move into the house is evident to this - and has now managed to build a residential house while still living abroad with the nuclear family who probably visits twice a year on vacations and has no plan of relocating back permanently anytime soon, I don't see the reason why the flat shouldn't be giving out to the sibling to occupy like he did, at best he can just permanently lock one or two rooms, depending on the number of rooms in the flat, for you and the kids for now.

There is always nothing beneficial in leaving a house/apartment unoccupied on an instance like this; in fact, it's usually energy draining. Meanwhile, if you fancy an exclusive nuclear family residential house, you and your husband can now start making a plan for one.

Demobbb:
Hello

Please help me. Am i being unreasonable.

I got married to my husband 12 years ago. He has previosly bought some land but not developed it yet due to financial hardships. When i was a newly wed my sister in law mentioned “oh this is land my brother bought for mum”

I asked my husband later and he laughed it off & said its not like that. I just left it at that & did not think more of it.

Recently things got better and after 9yrs of marriage & sacrifices from both of us he had enough to start building & by Gods grace the house is now nearly complete. Its two flats.

My mum in law has now moved to the house - which is great as we always say she will move into one flat and the other one is for us & our children. For when we visit Nigeria from abroad where we stay.

However recently my husband mentioned his brother & family will be moving in too. He has 3 children. I have made it clear that anyone can move in but the other flat should be left alone for our family. Im not sure that will happen.

It seems as though my husband’s family is under the inpression that this house is his mothers. It seems like back then my husband bought this land for his mother. And it seems the narrative in nigeria is its her house.

I honestly feel a bit stupid as i have two sons & in 12 yrs of marriage i sacrifised to build a house that i or my children have no say in. I made sacrifices to build house for others.

I love my mother in law & husband’s family. They are good to me. I just feel there is a breakdown of communication. Husband should have told me this is mums house or make it clear to his family now that this is OUR house but others are welcome to stay on our terms. But honestly i dont think i am even seen as an entity or “shareholder” of this house.

Please help on how i can deal with this withought upsetting my inlaws & my husband.

I must add i am not Nigerian by birth.

Think abt building urs or build ur own house.

Demobbb:
I love my mother in law & husband’s family. They are good to me. I just feel there is a breakdown of communication. Husband should have told me this is mums house or make it clear to his family now that this is OUR house but others are welcome to stay on our terms. But honestly i dont think i am even seen as an entity or “shareholder” of this house.
Please help on how i can deal with this withought upsetting my inlaws & my husband.
I must add i am not Nigerian by birth.

Put simply, your husband does not consider you a shareholder in your marriage, that is why he didn't consider any of what you wanted or supposedly sacrificed to see this house built. So if there is someone you should talk to about the anger you have in this, it is your husband.

Tell him everything you told us here about how what is going on does not sit well with you, and go from there.

Your husband tricked you. He knew right from the start that his family would take over the property.

Just let it be unless you want to cause a fight betwen you and your in-laws which of course, won't favour you especially in this part of the planet.

Also, I'd say your husband and his family don't respect you!

Kobojunkie:
Put simply, your husband does not consider you a shareholder in your marriage, that is why he didn't consider any of what you wanted or supposedly sacrificed to see this house built. So if there is someone you should talk to about the anger you have in this, it is your husband.

Tell him everything you told us here about how what is going on does not sit well with you, and go from there.

Exactly!

That's how most of them are here.

I wish I'm part of your husband's family. Apart from your mother inlaw. I'd make sure the rest of them go get their apartment outside and stop leeching on someone's sweat

I hate entitled biggots with passion

Sorry sis but that property is gone, its now a family house .

Wonder why some men can't be truthful enough, you use income from your wife to co-build a house on your mother's land when you know it will become family property.

Count your losses, you not being a Nigerian by birth also makes it more complex.