Got some funny ones for u guys here

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very
much in love,

Couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered.

"I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of
beer,

Brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan , India , etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think
of saying was,

"Yes, Lollipop,  But at the bar,  You know,  They have frozen glasses,
"

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
saying,

"You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that

She was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said,

"Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are
really delicious,

I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?"

She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:
chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey,  At the bar,  You know there's swearing, dirty words
and all that, "

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?

LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR BLOODY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK
YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR
MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT,
JACKASS?"

And, they lived happily ever



ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
 

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
 

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
 

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

 

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.