malaika:

Hire a couple of area boys *yeah I know about them from Nollywood * to accost your dad and beat him silly all the while chanting 'this is how your wife feels when you are beating her'

seriously, why do nigerian women do this to themselves? no matter how stubborn a woman is, her husband has no right to beat her. if he is tired of her he should go, not beat her in front of her kids.

@ poster,

i feel for you cos anything you do concerning this issue would be criticized, family members would rather have you turn a blind eye to your mother's plight. in your situation, i would confront my mom and ask her why she lets herself be abused. i would tell her i'm uncomfortable with the situation and if there's anything specific she's doing to cause trouble she should stop. then i would meet my dad and tell him the same, that he has to learn to overlook whatever things my mom is doing to annoy him. ask him if that's the kind of life he would want for me. if after talking to both of them the situation persists, i would try to step in during fights and encourage my mom to stand up for herself. if she refuses to do so and still insists on staying with him, i would leave them and just keep praying that they would sort themselves out someday. BUT i would make my trips home few and far between (move out if i'm still living with them).

i think Essien should do more to support his father, i mean he should help even a stranger living in such terrible conditions. but he really doesn't owe his father anything. parents owe their kids love and care until they become adults because no child asks to be born. anyone who decides to bring a child into this world should be ready to take responsibility for all the child's needs. it's unfair to give birth to more children than you can afford to take care of financially, emotionally, physically etc.

there are too many men leaving their wives to hustle for their kids, this is why many children grow up with a greater sense of responsibility towards their mothers than their fathers. sometimes its not even that the fathers aren't there for the kids, it's the way they maltreat the mothers that make the children lose every feeling of attachment to them. children always feel more sympathetic and attached to the abused parent, you can't abuse your wife and at the same time forge a closer relationship with your kids. it's simply impossible.

it's possible Essien does a lot more for even strangers but not for his father because he is bitter about some issues from his childhood. parents do some things that hurt so badly at times and the child just feels like severing all ties with that parent. we don't all react to issues the same way, maybe Essien's siblings have less emotional baggage from their childhood than he does. or maybe they feel the same way and are all avoiding their father and that's why he's really suffering.

i find it weird that a bride would pick ugly-looking bridesmaids, i would think that a woman would want to be surrounded by beauty on her wedding day. that's not a time to be insecure; she already is the centre of attraction, all the other ladies are there to celebrate with her not to look for husbands. and even if some of the bridesmaids are there to get husbands it wouldn't be the groom. besides, any groom that would even consider cheating with the bridesmaid isn't worth a bean.

i dunno if there's any specific reason. men are more likely to indulge in smoking, drugs, alcohol, and this increases their risks of developing associated diseases like lung cancer or cirrhosis. men are more likely to be rough drivers, they are more likely to die by suicide and in wars etc,

i believe a couple can get over any problem if they both work hard at it, but when it comes to homosexuality i don't even see the need. i understand that many people have homosexual experiences before marriage, but it should be harder for a married man to give in to homosexual urges. and if he eventually does give in, i doubt he would be able to hold back afterwards.

probably because the life expectancy of women is about 5 years longer than that of men.

this is so funny. why can't they buy just the parts they both like?

there shouldn't be trash in the pot to start with, and i think whoever cooks should serve others first.

i guess so, as long as he isn't too sensitive about it. i would certainly grin during his fits once in a while, so he has to be able to laugh at it also.

na wa! how bad could things have been that the guy even considered taking such a risk?

i would feel angry, hurt and disappointed.

if we're dating i would leave because i'd lose respect for him over time, and i would feel disrespected since it's something i know i wouldn't do.

in a marriage i would try to work things out, but i'd feel even worse than i'd have felt if a boyfriend cheated on me. i would stay on anyway and talk about it and eventually forgive him.

i won't ask for his details and won't offer mine.

Sarah a:

As 4 me i cn't give my bf my e-mail account password nt to talk of Atm pin code.But it amazed me whn my bf gave me his e-mail password ad he even told me dat, he as 2 e-mail ,while av b thinking dat he has just one.ad to crown it all, i met this guy on nairaland site .which i nvr dreamt off b4.all the same am gratful to God 4 gving me such a loving ad caring guy .i pray it end well ad if it does nairalander wil b the first to hear this great news.

hmmm, that's cool; so nairaland guys are actually trusting.

^^ what's the connection between smoking and greeting one's husband?

ayettymama:

lolz

the problem is not the greeting

the problem is that the greeting is a problem!

i think any man who thinks too deep into it has some psychological issues he needs to face!!

dayuuum!

exactly. there's no big deal in being the first to greet, it's only a problem when the man starts to make a fuss about it. besides i think if a man respects his wife he shouldn't have a problem with greeting her first.

joe4christ:

the only thing, i mean only thing that would ever make a woman find it difficult to be the first the humble herself and greet her husband is nothing else than {pride} and remember this same pride goes before the fall of a nation, and this same pride has result to many broken homes both in nigeria and the western world. i pity any lady who cant deal with her pride before hand, pride has been 1 of d gr8test weapon satan is using 2 pull down homes,

it's also pride that would make it difficult for the husband to greet first.

Olorunjuwon:

Nawa o0h, ladies of todays are very rude, how could a wife feel reluctant to first greet her husband in d morning, that is d first tin to do once she wake up. . . Under normal consequences, a good house must knee down 4 her husband bside bed has her husband woke up & greet him even pray 4 him. .b4 anytin would be done. . .a good housewife must be highly respectful, some housewife disrespect their husband more than any other person could do. . .if mummy feel pompous to greet daddy in d morning, is not a crime 4 daughter not to greet mummy in d morning because d head of d family has been disregarded.

this is so funny

bawomolo:

that has more to do with the high infidelity in nigerian culture than the wives being oyinbo.
i wonder why one would question the sincerity of another man's marriage.  you ladies keep on proving jill scott's point.

what the hell is mainstream pollution?

i'm not at all against nigerian men marrying white women, i think it's good (if for no other reason, the beautiful kids). however, after meeting several nigerian guys who are married with kids yet still want a nigerian girl, i think it's rational to wonder when i see these kind of couples.

queeneve:


Mainstream Pollution is when a person is assimilating to "fit" and to adapt to the evolutionzed way of thinking, for example, white women represent status.

In America, many black men who reach to a certain income status most of them marries or dates WHITE WOMEN, then hispanic women, than asian women, and black women will be last.

i doubt a nigerian guy would ever date in that order. i tend to question the sincerity of nigerian guys who marry foreign women. i know many are sincerely in love, but still i come across a lot of them who seem to be using the women. some of them that marry these foreign women return home when they become rich and marry nigerian women. i guess in nigeria it's MARRYING a beautiful young nigerian woman and not a white woman that represents status. dating white and other foreign women is something guys brag about though. during the summer you see many of them in nigeria with their oyinbo wives, the wives would be trying to fit into the nigerian culture whereas the guys would be asking naija girls out.

bawomolo:

chris brown was exposed to domestic violence in his household, we all know how that ended. fact remains those girls you know ended up with emotional scars exhibited by refusing to date men from their ethnic group or avoiding men overall. That's not healthy thinking at all and those women might need therapy to get over their hurt.

chris brown is not the only one who was exposed to domestic violence, people need to take responsibility for their own misdeeds and stop blaming their parents. i can understand the parent-blaming when the violence is perpetuated by a child, but not by an adult. we all have emotional scars, how we choose to deal with them is our responsibility. two of those ladies i mentioned are happily married and they still relate well with their dad.

MRbrownJAY:


- why should the children grow up seeing this and believing that its ok for daddy to "abuse" mommy like this?

bawomolo:

children aren't dumb and usually pick on such things especially the daughters. you don't want your daughters thinking its cool to date a mad man

i hear this line of reasoning all the time but i'm yet to see someone who reasons this way. in fact, i see quite the opposite: girls who vow not to marry guys from their tribe or to remain single or to avoid guys in the same occupation as their fathers all because they detected abuse. i saw my parents make mistakes and i knew all along that they were wrong, and i'm determined not to make the same mistakes. besides, children of nowadays form personal opinions with less influence from parents and more from the media and their peers.

it depends on the case, really. i guess i'll talk to him and all, but that probably won't stop him if he is a serial cheater. if i have a good job i might divorce him (or if child support is certain), otherwise i'll just ignore his cheating but won't sleep with him.

stillwater:

Serial cheater? As in any thing in skirts he chases?
True, you never really know how to act in such situations.
If it's giving her too much heart ache, I think she should get a divorce. If she doesn't, she shouldn't sleep with that thing again.

I always have this idea of leaving a man not when the situation has climaxed where you have confronted him for his cheating and he doesn't deny it, but when everyone thinks you don't care about it anymore, could take years before you do this. A good time would be when he's very sick and he's incapacitated, shivering on the bed and he asks you for water and you say baby I want a divorce, then you take your load and leave him there to errrrrrr. . .  

i've got a similar idea: if you confront a man and he denies just accept it. but if u eventually get proof that he is cheating, don't confront him again. even if you catch him red-handed just don't say anything about it. if he tries to apologize just ignore him, but continue being sweet and act like you always have. when he is no longer nervous and he has forgotten about everything (like 6-12 months later), you tell him you want a divorce.  sweet revenge! i doubt that i can do it though, i'll probably forgive him along the line.

greed, laziness, mental or emotional disorder

not anymore, last was when i was 14. my dad beat me twice (when i was 5 and 6) with 2 fingers, both times for fighting with my sister. i think he punished me 2 times too. my mom beat me more times though not very frequently, but she always apologized (sometimes indirectly though) afterwards. she usually used my dad's belts, once she beat me with a wooden spoon, another time with the cord of an electric iron (or some other appliance). she never allowed maids or anyone else beat me though, she used to quarrel with teachers if they left cane marks on me. she also didn't like to beat me in public but she slapped me once in pry 3 when i was accused of pushing another student down 2 flights of stairs. in general it was like 1 beating every couple of years, and my dad always used to shout at her when she beat me

Sagamite:

Greet?

For what?

exactly. greeting is too formal, i reserve it for strangers and authority figures. i hardly greet my siblings and friends, when i do it's just 'hey/hi/how far', usually we just start talking. i'm okay with greeting first, except the guy gets all tyrannical about it. i'd have a problem with it then.

londoner:

@Jennykadry, I didn't sense arrogance in he post. But maybe someone who is not that enthusiastic about a comprimise or learning something new for her guy. It may be that she is feeling defensive because of how the family is treating her. The story about the German lady is nice, there are many people like that whether White or not.

She obviously felt embraced by her husbands family and culture, it counts for alot.

that's where the arrogance lies. the nigerian fiance is being very western and rather than trying to meet him halfway, she's offended by his suggestion that she should make adjustments.

i agree that it's hard to be enthusiastic when she's feeling defensive but she's doing it for her marriage so it's worth it. it's very wrong for the family to insult her the way they did, and it's bad that the guy isn't standing up for her. that's one thing nigerian guys need to do more often.

the family counts a lot, but how the fiance feels counts even more. it'll be easier for the guy to tell his family off when she starts to show more interest in his culture. like some people said she may not be ready for marriage to a nigerian guy.

londoner:

@Jennykadry, sorry, but you cant just allow your family to insult the woman you intend to marry. There comes a point where a man has to be a man.

There is no way I would stand for anyone's family calling me a wicked, NON WOMAN and stand by, sorry no can do.The family is WRONG for calling her names and belittling her.

I understand she should learn to cook, but how many of tomorrows women in Nigeria will be able to cook, with the way they have house maids to do EVERYTHING nowadays. They themselves dont cook for their husbands, unless they are poor or live abroad, so they are a bit hypocritical.

A more HELPFUL response as well as a bonding experience would be for the family to be friendly and opent, so that she can go to her future mother in laws house and she can teach her how to cook Naija food. ANY woman who is not Nigerian would have to learn from scratch anyway. My BF loves his food, He is from Ghana I'm not, so when I went to Ghana we both went to the kitchen and prepared what he likes how he likes it, and til today we both think of it fondly.

i know a couple of women that don't cook because they have very busy careers. they both are still in charge of what their family eats. they decide what should be cooked and eaten. most women i know don't wash or clean and do all the housework themselves, but they supervise. so i doubt the poster's husband's family expects her to actually do the domestic stuff, they probably just want her to be more involved in the domestic affairs even though she has a helper.

at least you were willing to learn how to cook Ghanaian food. loads of nigerian women are in inter-ethnic marriages and they learn stuff from the other culture. the poster actually sounds like she feels insulted that they expect her to cook nigerian food.

^^^^ thanks.

ayettymama:

I enjoy how everyone here has said to you yor marrying a nigerian

and forgotten your man is marrying a south african!!

no1- the parents dont like you because you are not nigerian- nothing you do will change that

no2-pls dont put your husband in a difficult position, its not fair having to chose btn ones partner and ones family but do explain to him whats upsetting you hpefully he will find a way to talk to his parents

i dont understand how some people behave

you mentiond both u and your husband want to marry in monz? the family dont- unless they paying for it u shouldnt be forced to marry where u dont want to !

if u learn to cook do it for urself and not in a bid to impress them! trust me nothing u do will eva be good enuff!

dont go out of your way to impress them, try your best to understand some people are backwards and will neva be civilised
smile hug and leave. .  . . . . . . . . . . . . .

so far u and your man love each other your marriage will work- as long as u learn to deal with the family and dont let them interfere too much

gd luck wiv your wedding!

i beg to disagree.

everyone is 'forgetting' that her man is marrying a south african because she is very western and her family isn't traditional. however her husband's family is very traditional, and though she says he is western, a nigerian guy who lived at home for 16 years and is still attached to his traditional family will never be fully western.

i don't think the only reason the parents don't like her is because she is not nigerian. LOADS of nigerian girls have these kinds of problems with inlaws. saying it's because she isn't nigerian is like saying the misunderstanding completely the fault of the parents, they can't be reasoned with, and the marriage is doomed. i disagree on all counts. if the guy is not standing up for her it might just mean he feels she's partially responsible for the lack of understanding. we know how nigerian guys are when they are dating, he can eat pasta everyday but the day will come when he wants more.



@ poster,

intercultural marriages require a lot of compromise and willingness to learn about the other culture. being very westernized, you're bound to have culture clashes with an african man. it's probably made worse by the fact that you are african. your relationship isn't doomed, you just have to be willing to learn about his culture and make compromises. you say he is very western and eats only pasta; he has made compromises too.

nigerian men are very attached to their families. you have to realize that in nigeria it is the younger person that is expected to capitulate in this sort of conflict. i'm not suggesting that you pretend or turn yourself into a doormat for his family. my point is that it's YOUR duty to look for a way to end the conflict. you can do that by talking to him, to his siblings, or even his mother. whichever way you have to find a middle ground you'll all be comfortable with. you could ask him (or a member of his family) to teach you how to cook. learn greetings in his language and use it with his family. you don't have to be perfect, but be willing to learn. no matter how western he is, he is still a nigerian and you should be curious about where he is from. otherwise, you'd be forcing him to always be 'western' around you (that's almost like making him choose you over his culture). if you're willing to learn about his culture you'll give him the opportunity to express himself as a nigerian when he's with you. he might end up needing to be with his family a little less.

also, you need to learn to be humble and respectful with the family. i know this might be difficult, but it's one of those important nigerian traditions. it doesn't matter if they don't reciprocate your kindness, the happiness you'll bring your fiance would make all these compromises worth it. even he would be confident to stand up for you then and he'll probably limit the amount of time you guys have to spend with them.

if the question said ugly rich man and handsome average man, i'd have chosen handsome average straightaway. but with these options, i have to choose the ugly rich one.

the guy's beauty (or lack of it) is on his face and not mine, so i won't be ashamed to be seen with him. he has enough money so he can afford to dress well. the only way it would affect me is my children, and like other posters i'll pray that they don't look like him. besides, money makes people look good (at least better than they would look if they were poor). i'll take great care of my kids' skin, dress them up beautifully, give them the best education. the packaging would be so tight, people would barely notice their imperfections.

in nigeria (and just about everywhere else), wealth opens up more doors than beauty does. of course, being very handsome can bring acting/modelling opportunities which can make the poor guy rich eventually, but what are the odds.

also, if the handsome one eventually gets rich he'll be perfect and i'm not. but with the ugly rich guy i'll always be one up on him.

chic ah!:

I just regret everytin nw. Tot he missd me. Bt wel am over him nw.

don't beat yourself up, you thought you guys were making up. what's important is that you stick to your decision and not go back because he'll keep calling. when he realizes that he can't have you at his beck and call, he'll come crying, begging, giving all sorts of excuses and making all sorts of promises. you need to be strong enough to resist the impulse to go back. just try to remember then that he had the chance to truly mend things but he didn't, and that all he really wants is someone to warm his bed.

Kal/El:

The truth is as pure Africans,I don't relate with everything black American or Black British says!

I came from a different setting and grew up not feeling oppressed by anyone or inferior to anyone!

Even though i can understand what Jill is saying,i just can't relate to it.

it's exactly the same with me, i understand how african americans feel about whites but i can't relate to it.

i'm cool with interracial relationships. for me, dating a white guy (or any other race) is commensurable with dating a non-nigerian black guy, and my preference for nigerian guys is probably due to the familiarity. still i won't rule out non-nigerians, after all even with an igbo, yoruba or hausa guy there would still be elements of his culture that would be foreign to me.

willspark:

If it comes to treatment our guy are 90% good at that comepear to the white, we respect our women, we give them moral support we show them love even when it comes to bed we are super hot even white can testify to that, so what else do they think we are not given or that we can afford to give that they just turn our young men down?

are you kidding me?

there are some things nigerian guys are better at, for example they are generally more generous. but when it comes to treating a woman RIGHT, making her feel respected, i think white guys are better.

even at that, it's quite uncommon to see a nigerian lady who prefers white men (rich or poor, ugly or handsome) to rich nigerian men. you rarely hear of a nigerian lady turning down a rich nigerian guy because he is ugly, has a potbelly or isn't respectful. besides, white men in nigeria generally aren't poor considering majority of them are expatriate staff of multinational companies.

i bought my first SIM card (globacom) in 2004/5 for 1 naira, i think it was 500 naira with 499 free credit. it's not only the cost of sim cards that reduced drastically, multilinks phones cost about 70k in 2000.