My woman has issues I must admit. There are other areas I wouldn't want to touch here. Even though I'm leaving her, I don't hate her. I love her still and wont want to tarnish her image. I can live with her other bad sides cos that's what love that is true will do, but I can't live with her lack of commitment and selfishness. I thought they will change with time but with 1yr plus gone and no changes even after my total submission and commitment, the changes will never happen. So I think what I intend doing is what is best for me (and her maybe).

My woman has issues I must admit. There are other areas I wouldn't want to touch here. Even though I'm leaving her, I don't hate her. I love her still and wont want to tarnish her image. I can live with her other bad sides cos that's what love that is true will do, but I can't live with her lack of commitment and selfishness. I thought they will change with time but with 1yr plus gone and no changes even after my total submission and commitment, the changes will never happen. So I think what I intend doing is what is best for me (and her maybe).

Thanks all for the wonderful responses so far.
Now I know I won't be labeled unreasonable if I call off the engagement as it is what I intend doing. There has never been an atom of commitment to this relationship from her. She never calls me. In the 1 yr plus of this affair, I can number the times she called me. She only flashes or sends pls call me. We are not kids here. I'm in my mid 30's and she's in her late 20's. I have to bring this in so y'all will get the picture clearer. Did I forget to mention that, I saw her again on Dec 25th because I went to pick herself & her siblings up on my way home for xmas as she's from Delta state & I'm from the east.

Her family gave their blessings and all have love for me. But they are not the one I'm getting married to, its their daughter. If she's no more feeling it, there's no need wasting my precious time. Have we talked about it? Yes! When I noticed this changes the first time, I brought it up and she went on the defence. Is she afraid we'd have sex? No! She lived with me for the 2 months 3rd mainland bridge was on repairs and goes home on fridays to come back sunday night. I think she was just using me. People what do you think?

My woman has issues I must admit. There are other areas I wouldn't want to touch here. Even though I'm leaving her, I don't hate her. I love her still and wont want to tarnish her image. I can live with her other bad sides cos that's what love that is true will do, but I can't live with her lack of commitment and selfishness. I thought they will change with time but with 1yr plus gone and no changes even after my total submission and commitment, the changes will never happen. So I think what I intend doing is what is best for me (and her maybe).

Thanks all for the wonderful responses so far.
Now I know I won't be labeled unreasonable if I call off the engagement as it is what I intend doing. There has never been an atom of commitment to this relationship from her. She never calls me. In the 1 yr plus of this affair, I can number the times she called me. She only flashes or sends pls call me. We are not kids here. I'm in my mid 30's and she's in her late 20's. I have to bring this in so y'all will get the picture clearer. Did I forget to mention that, I saw her again on Dec 25th because I went to pick herself & her siblings up on my way home for xmas as she's from Delta state & I'm from the east.

Her family gave their blessings and all have love for me. But they are not the one I'm getting married to, its their daughter. If she's no more feeling it, there's no need wasting my precious time. Have we talked about it? Yes! When I noticed this changes the first time, I brought it up and she went on the defence. Is she afraid we'd have sex? No! She lived with me for the 2 months 3rd mainland bridge was on repairs and goes home on fridays to come back sunday night. I think she was just using me. People what do you think?

Good to know the replies so far thinks its weired. I have plan on calling it off but I just think it will be right to seek varied opinion so it won't seem like I was unreasonable. I'm just worried about her family's reaction cos they all love me and has been a great support so far. But like spiked said, a brother's got to do what a broda got to do.

Feelitx:

You guys sure have some talking to do. What kind of relationship is that ?

Ohh bro! Point noted.

@Spiked: We chose to go into marriage with the bed undified. There will be loads of sex after but till then, we have to hold body.

Happy New Year members.

Please help with this dilema.

Engaged to a lady to be married on the 2nd of May 09
You both live in Lagos - Maryland and Satellite Town.
She visits once a month (arrives 8pm sunday and leaves next day 6:30 am to work).
Complains the distance is too far.
Then you moved in December, she didn't come to see the place, didn't help in the moving.
You both saw only once in the month of december cos you attended a party together.
You travelled for xmas and has returned since Jan 11th.
She's not bothered to come to the house that is presumed to be for both of you.
She works Mondays through Friday and for the records, NO SEX involved.
The relationship is 1yr and 3 months old.

Will you still go on with the marriage plan or end it?
Pastor Bimbo when she was alive says, "A broken engagement is better than a broken marriage"

Before I forget, I moved to an estate near Diamond Estate by Igando/Isheri Road. About 30 seconds  or 1 min drive from Isheri round about at Idimu. I felt this will close up the gap between satellite town and maryland.

Ladies if its ur brother - Guys if you are the one. What will you do?

Members please send in more straight-from-the-heart response. It will go a long way to help out a brother in dilema.

Ha ha ha ha! ! ! ! !

@ outlaws

your cmment didn't come on time. I've since expected this to come 'cos for real, reading tru makes it sounds so much like I am the one in the shoes. Anywayz sha! to set the record straight, I ain't the one so, let the comments flow in.

Will post the happenings of this weekend. Got lotta work today. Still keep the comments coming. Welcome all to another working week.

Bluesteps:

shei.
from the way u guys are sounding.
belike this my good girl level go stop oooooooooooooo.
i go come become ashiiiiiiii ooooooooo so that i go fit get good husband.lol.

Not so fast sweetheart, you don't have to be an ashi so u can get a good hussie. But you can step down a little on the good girl thingy. In my candid opinion and based on years of personal research findings, YES! bad girls often times land good husbands.

Reason!

1. They are more out going.
2. They are more exposed to happenings and vogue.
3. They are more in tune with societal changes/continous behavioural changes in men.
4. They are more in tune with what men want.
5. The days of families going on wife hunt for their sons are gone.
6. You stand a better chance of getting a hit when too many are hauling stones at you from a distance.

My advice

1. Smile more
2. Go out more (Not to go a f**k every tom privates and harry)
3. Read wide to improve your knowledge
4. Don't be shy to discuss sex
5. Learn bedmatics
6. Work on your culinary skills.

Sic: With these few points on mine, I rest my case that YES bad girls most often land better hussies. (Like we do back in the days as a member of my school's literary and debating society)

wonders if they still exist these days of X-Boxes and Play stations.

My dear sista, you are just on the right track. Sycophants abound, don't let there posts detar you. The friend/man you need might just be hiding somewhere here on nairaland.

Ujujoan:

Maybe like she said, she takes her time to love. Saying the words might also be difficult for her. Tell your friend not to worry, its better he has someone like her that someone who'D sing the words from day one, but is obviously lying about it.

I am not sure he is thinking of living her at the moment. Its just a fear of them not living happily ever after that's hunting him. I admire the guy a lot because this lady is everything to him. In the 1 yr plus of their relationship, he's NEVER (the word emphasized) cheated on her and has sworn not to cheat on her. Not now, not after marriage. I'm sure this is because he is very much in love with the girl. Maybe what he wants to hear is that the spark will someday come.

If there are members who've been through a similar experience, I think that will help a lot if they come forward and share their experience. Maybe not in details but just to mention they went through that and today they are happier for it. Male or female.

More opinions please. This I assume is a matter that calls for divers views from all and saundry. Even if it didn't change their position, it will leave a taste in their mouths and maybe spur the fire to start burning from the girls end. Who knows the opinions here might just be the nudge she needs.

So people keep them coming.

Meanwhile, I had a cheat chat with her yesterday and guess what? She told me she loves him and is ready to go extra miles with him. I asumed she might not like to sell out to me that she is not yet in love with the guy. And to say she is deperate is way out of line because she is a very beautiful woman and so wouldn't have a problem nailing any man of her choice. I wouldn't mind her to say the truth. (Hey, I don't envy my friend sha o so no name calling ooo please  .) She is also faithful to him I assume based on the fact that she is a born again christian. I don't know the advice to offer to the guy now. Maybe I should just print the various replies from members with their divers views and hand them to him to review with his fiancee.

Ujujoan:

Oh she loves him, she just dosent know it yet.

I'm amazed myself too, reason is that we were all together yesterday evening after work and I was wondering what it actually is that she is refering to as LOVE. She seems so into him (from my observations though). Just like you said. maybe she hasn't realized it yet.

No I can't be jealous of my friend. He is worried about it. We are very close and I was mystified to hear the girl isn't in love with him yet. You need to see the 2 love birds together. He told me this last weekend and I felt I should bring it to Nairaland for discussion so I'd be better prepared for a reasonable response.

I'm going to make this brief and short. I don't know the best advice to give to this friend.

He is HEAD-OVER-HEALS in love with this pretty lady probably in her mid 20s. The guy is in his mid 30s I presume. They've been together for over a year now and marriage is on the pipe line as plans are in top gear. The guy is doing ok and the lady has a reasonable job. They seem happy together but the problem is the lady is not in love with him yet and she is not pretending about it. She cares a lot about him and wants to be with him. Only she doesn't feel that fire yet. She supports him in every conceivable way and believes love will come. She claimed her love takes time to grow but agreed that it is budding. They are engaged to be married soon. Both families are in full support but don't know about this side of the love story.

The BIG questions begging for answers now are:

1. Do you all think they should go ahead with the marriage plans?
2. Is it possible for the missing fire/love to come after marriage?
3. Does love take this long to come; 15 months and counting?

This thread is open to all for response. Sistas, Brovas, Mommas and even Popas etc.

I don't support that. It might further jeopardize your chances of getting the Mr Right of your own. I'm not saying guys don't marry single mothers but they look out for single ladies without a child/children first. In any case, don't loose hope. Are your knees too far from the ground you can't put them on the down and talk to Baba God? He will in due time give you the one that's yours and will make you forever happy.

NB: I'm mindful of the fact that you asked a question. I have not concluded you are the one in the fate depicted in your post. I hope you do understand that.

Dear Olumoke, thank you a zillion times for this life changing post. It was quite a long one but it made an interesting read. I have sent the link to my fiancee and she's read it too. She found it very interesting and educative. I agree totally with everything that's pencilled down in the write-up. Most marriages fail because pips refused to take-in the fact that marriage is all about making sacrifices, learning and re-learning on daily basis.

I have also taken time to read the response from other nairaland members. They all have in one way or the other impacted positively in my life. I have always positioned myself to be the best husband (God help me) and build a solid and enviable home. This is an add-on to and is "The Whole Truth And Nothing But The Truth".

To 'Arielle ' I'd say, go down on your knees, pray to the Almighty father in heaven, He will not close his eyes to your weepings. Secondly, search withing yourself; are there skeletons in your cupboard? Did he become your husband naturally? If your answers are on the affairmative, then you have nothing to worry about. Just like jydewalker's wife did, try something in that line to bring back the fire in your marriage but don't kill yourself at the end.

Jydewalker, sorry for your loss even though it sounded more like a fiction. It however is very educative.

Sorry Sistas. This is the jist around town. Just do a small aproko (sic) in any ladies forum and u will agree with me. I have very successful female friends, single and still searching in their late 20s and mid 30s. Working in blue chip and multinationals. In short they are a bundle of BEAUTY | CASH | BRAINS. When I try to encourage them and remind them of how beautiful they are, the response I get is, "Do you know how many beautiful successful women out there? Those that are even more beautiful. Marriageable men are just scarce."

My beautiful black/naija sistas, the earlier you all realize that the kind of men you refer to as marriageable men are scarce, the better. What kind of men do an average sista refer to as marriageable men? The ones that live in a good apartment, drive a good car, have a good bank account, dresses in style. All these are things that money can buy. That man that is yet to acquire and posses all these qualities in not less of a marriageable man. Giving the opportunity, he might well be better.

If I am to councel sistas, I'd say look out for a man who's got Brains, is Confident and has Drive. This is what I call the BCD of a real man. They abound everywhere. You might even be the gasoline he needs to be propelled to fame and fortune.

In all this still "BE WISE". Gold diggers on the rampage.