I am using this medium to appreciate all that have commented on this post so far. I will like to inform the house that we have resolved the matter amicable without any harm to anyone including the kids.....I applied some of the techniques learned from your comment.....In fact it took some days before we arrived at conclusion, she stood her ground that the guy in question is just a friend bla bla bla.....I accepted on the ground that I dont want such friendship to exist, to my greatest surprise, the guy, his Pastor and his wife came last night to my house to tell me what really transpired, i asked the guy how on earth would you use such a language if nothing in between? He said his wife was the one responding to my chat at that time, that he was fast asleep then, that he came in late from long journey so tired, he shew me ticket of the luxurious bus he entered.....The wife also confirmed it that she wanted to know if my wife is her husband girl friend.....I was speechless anyway.......His Pastor also said a lot that the guy is not the type bla bla bla.....That the matter is causing issue between the couples too that was why he (The Pastor) has to come down with them to settle both parties.....

Am grateful to good people of NL. One love.

questted:
I believe u know wat to do already as u r just looking for people to validate your point of action.
One thing dat got me thinking is how come u didn't continue the conversation on the chat with the guy so u can get all d necessary proof and den confront your wife with the facts dat u have gotten.
Something also tells me u saw cheating tendencies before u got married as u said u discussed it with her before u got married and from her response dat if she does u would never know is a lot to rethink.
Don't mind me because I know right now u r in pains. Take out time to think properly as I believe u know where the pain is as u r d one dat wears d shoe for me if I get my wife cheating den it just shows its over between us as dat very day she moves to her lovers place.

I cant withstand the whole stuff at that moment cos with the little i got I feel like killing someone, but have to applied wisdom cos have not heard from her......Right from day one, I never see her in such act not untill now.

ciwi:
OP, I'm a bit confused. I don't see any where you wrote that you confirmed she is cheating. She only said there's nothing wrong with having a male friend. Is that the basis for your conclusion that she is cheating?

Read thru again.......The man said, IF I HANDLE YOU AGAIN.....

NifemiOlu:
Marriages these days...

It's quite difficult to advise from afar but then the essence of marriage is what people miss.
The OP said he pays bills and does normal things a good man should do, fine. I also want to believe that the sex is good. You have kids. A seemingly perfect marriage. But have you examined the major reason for marriage?
The major reason for marriage is companionship. All other things (sex, kids etc) are value added services. Sadly, people marry for added value services. If companionship is intact, no marriage can fail.
Dear, Loveisblind, examine this aspect. It will assist you going in the right direction.

You can get more insight here: https://nifemiolu..com.ng/2016/02/marriage-other-side-and-order-side.html

Thanks a lot.....I understand the purpose of marriage that was why i made her my best friend whom i discuss all with....I dont keep friends but only my wife......To my understanding, she did not understand what companion is all about, she believe in (My children aree my everything) which I never frown at....Just playing my own part, cos all effort to let her understand what companion is all about, she keep saying....You men are this and that.......You know how women castigate men na...even when the man is 100% faithful to them, they still belief no saint in man.

dahmie2013:
Op, is ur wife working? Some women d best way 2 manage dem is 2 get dem busy with work, so dey can occupy deir minds with work challenges. Set her up, make her feel like a boss, agree on vision, targets & d likes. Ur story sounds like she's one bored house wife, she needs 2 get busy.

She is working, she own her biz which she always go there everyday....She is not idle at all....even most of these I guessed started from her place of biz

EfemenaXY:


Couldn't have said it better.

@op: no union is without it's challenges. You don't throw in the trowel at the first major hurdle - especially not with kids involved. Besides, you both have coped thus far without family interference - not an easy task - kudos to you.

What you're facing right now are symptoms of existing issue(s) that have gradually cropped up over a period of time with or without your noticing. Your reactions so far are knee jerks. Like Thorpido mentioned, calm down, find a suitable time when you won't be interrupted, and have a deep heart to heart discussion with your wife to get to the root cause of the problem.

Make sure it's a two way discussion where you both LISTEN to each other. No cutting off the other in mid sentence, definitely no shouting. This isn't the time for point scoring and I'm pretty sure you'd be surprised at what might come out of the discussion. Things either of you probably took for granted.

Remember the saying men are from Mars and women from Venus? That's what happens when proper communication wanes or fizzles out in a union. You aren't mind readers so you do need to have this proper talk to iron things out.

Stay calm and all the best.

Thanks a lot EfemenaXY.....I never want this to get to any of my families, i purposely moved away from them cos of my wife becos they cant withstand her characters and i dont want any one to complain her to me with the hope that with time she will change and we'll understand each other better.....One thing i love doing is to call her in the mid night and let her realize how i felt with her behavious, she will knee down and say am sorry but after 48hrs, same will repeat itself, then wen I take it hot as in shout and threaten to send her away, of cus neighbours will come in and start begging for her, then she will also beg after they must have told her where she is getting it wrong....Then the angel in her will manifest for like a week or 2 thereafter another dimension of same bad character will show up.....I told her one day that is it not better we continue to quarrel so i can get the best out of you, cos that is the only time you behave well........I always ask her to call my attention to any area where am getting it wrong but she has never, not that am perfect but I always ensure i do my best when it comes to my responsibility to her and the kids........There was a time she complain of my poor s3x performance which i made her to realize that am not happy about it too but i guess it was due to the challenges facing at work which she is aware of it....I had to let go of those challenges as soon as i close for work and i started performing beyond her expectation........so calling her again to negotiate is what i dont think i can do cos i cant withstand a cheating partner....not at all...am praying that God should eraze this from my mind o

queenoflafia:
This one is serious o
Most especially because of the kids
I feel for you my brother.just take it easy

Am trying but the more am seeing her the more am getting angry cos she believe its normal thing to have male friend. Am still wondering where I went wrong to deserve such.....am paying my bills as normal.

yes...10years but not on cheating level....I just discovered this extramarital stuff some weeks ago

Dyt:
10years?
You mean you have been enduring for 10years?

as in?

Teensway:
your moniker tells me more about you dear.

Greetings to all NLs.....i think solution to my problem will come from good people of this forum and such will safe me from doing the wrong thing.

It all started wen i was dating my wife of which my fam did not want her as they want me to marry someone else, though they could not tell me to my face why.....Also my wife families did not want her to marry me base on xtian vs Muslim stuff, but we both insisted....after some years we have kids and later we did our wedding witot any assistance from both families i.e. we shoulder it alone......recently, in the night, while she was in her room, PHCN brought light and i was helping her to charge her fon and i saw a guy's number whom they ve been calling each other almost on daily basis, on a normal ground i dont check her fon and she doesnt check mine....but wen i noticed this number, i went straight to chat with d guy, only for the guy to be responding romantically, i pretended as if its my wife behold....d guy was saying ........If i handle you again......I cant belief myself reading such, i quietly dropped the fon, and went to bed, the next morning I confronted her and she said the guy is her friend that nothing attached.....I did not want to escalate the matter for children's record, i went to work, wen i came back i asked her younger one staying with us if she is aware of the guy, she said yes is just a friend to her elder sister......I called my wife again and she was so bold and bragging that whats the big deal in having male friend.........

I noticed he had called the guy wen i was away to work, i dont know what they discussed anyway. I told her not to cook for me anymore and nothing like sex in between us....for some weeks now it has been like this......Now my pains are these:-

I cant report to my family
I cant report to her family too cos the father never attended our wedding he only sent delegates
I dont want to take laws into my own hand cos i feel like pulling down mountain
We married legally and I feel like filing for divorce cos have told her in the beginning that such act is what i cannot forgive in my life
If i divorce, what about my little kids, who will take kia of them cos I know she doesnt have what it take to ?
before i discovered this she told me if she does such i can never find out and i told her if she try it i will surely know

Am totally fed up with the marriage cos there are lots have been enduring, believing its subject to change but for the past 10years no changes.

Please what do you think?