I got married recently (traditionally)to a guy whom i knew as a friend back in school. I have being in-love and still in love to my childhood love for over 15yrs.  My married husband knew that am iin lovewith this guy back in school. I misunderstood my childhood love when he had a problem for not being carring anymore and also not ready for marriage.
I actually thought that the problem he had then indicated not being carring. Now I have come to know the truth and he actually meant well for me.

I gave my husband a chance and he proposed and got me married.
He has already planned our weeding but am confussed  right now because my first love had also proposed to me before I got married. My husband said that he want to wed me asap, if not he will lose me to him.

I have told my first love and he still want to marry me. ((( He honestly adviced me to think before wedding or popostponehe weeding which is next month and get off the fear before saying " I do "
Priest and cocancellersre now involved and they says that love is not all in marriage. But i don't want to leave with a man and my mind and heart is else where. I also don't want to hurt both men.

I cry every night and I know that i am a confussed person right now.
To be honest and sincere to you all who will honestly help me, I am married to him because he is carring but my mind ,hart and everything is with my first love, whom i mistook his dimmed carring as not ready for marriage.
My childhood love was there for me when everyone abandoned me. In all these years he never had sex with me till date yet i hahardlyithstand him. He always call me to order when I get out of control emotionally and i listen to his voice any day.
Please help me and have anyone being through such.

PLzzzzzzzzzzzzz my bros and sis Thanks for your time.
Both guys have promising future.

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are you married or getting married in a month's time? don't understand this at all.

@ OP

I hardly understood your problem. However from the little that I could decipher, your heart is being torn apart by two men. But you seem to be all praises for your 'childhood love'. If you are so much in awe of your 'chilhood love', why this thread ? The answer is there in front of you,

ye pa, --- you have two men fighting over you , some people can't find a man --- not even ONE. oya post the pics of both men and I will help you make ya decision.

Girl your post is kinda confusing to me This one is a headscratcher!!!!!!!!!!!!!
However if i get u right you love your childhood guy but you have done traditional wedding with another guy?

I know that in certain cultures, traditional wedding is sufficient for you to be called someone's wife,particularly where dowry has been paid.So if you're thinking of leaving the second guy you need to first of all confirm if you'll have to go about legal steps.

However as per helping you to decide on who to marry,it is something that NL FORUM cannot help you do.Pastors and counsellors have talked but for you to still be confused means you truly wish you could fly away with your childhood love.
None of us know the future so we can truly not say who among them will be good for you eventually.
Think carefully,prayerfully and work with your intuition.I feel deep down you do not trust this your childhood love and are fearful of not regretting later in future if you do take him.
It is well.

i just want to thank u all for your time.

@ silvasurfa :
You are right and that is my big fear, None of us know the future so we can truly not say who among them will be good for you eventually

And moreover, None of the guys is ready to back down.

More advice pleace. This is a sister that really need advice.

@ MRbrownJAY : Please understand that i just need advice. I wish slap or cry could solve my problems.
I need your constructive advice. This is my emotion/life and that of 2 innocent guys on the line.

//

@poster,use ur head and follow ur heart.

Ify,
thanks for your time.

I still need more sincere advice from you guys

Marry the two.

@poster
can you elaborate more on what happened/went wrong between you and your first love?
did you break up with him before you started dating your 'husband'? or u dated them simultaneously?

clearly you prefer your first love, just wondering why you were so quick to leave him because of your unfounded fear that he was no longer caring

@ Nettan

I actually hurt him with my attitude thinking that bad manners could make me hate him, yet he did not. When he had problem, i thought he had left me although he called and cared but less than before.

Even when a lady was introduced to him for marriage, he refused which i was away. He kept on telling me his intention and later proposed to me. Within that time my husband was interested. He got to know we were having problem which was my fault to disclose to him because i told him that we are no more together.

He eventually drive into me with care and love and all. That is what happened and now am cut up in the middle of care from him and love from my childhood guy. I am about to trade my love and happiness because of this mistake. The much i can bost of my husband is that he is caring. i even don't know him that long although both are christians. I even had to agree to marry him hoping i will be away from my town where i cannot reach my childh guy, yet he is part of me.

@OP

Are you from Ekiti or Ondo State?

poster,

i guess you are still confused, i hope you dont fall for me if i come after you tomorrow.
first you need to know what you want in a prospective mate , the moment you spot a reasonable percentage of that in someone, you go for him or her. you have gotten to the point of traditional marriage that simply means you are married. so what are you trying to do?

@Siena
She has done the traditional wedding, its the white wedding that is yet to occur.

@OP
Whatever your decision is going to be it will not be an easy one and you only have yourself to blame. Also one of those guys will be hurt so don't make an issue of that.

Your only recourse is to seek wise counsel prayerfully. This requires Solomon class wisdom or else everyboby will end up miserable. Start by praying for wisdom. Next talk to both men and tell them to get ready for disappointment. Their individual reactions might give you a clue. Next look for a wiser older person for counsel and prayers cause you need help and support at this time.

After you've done these events will begin to happen to show you what your action should be.

omg!

Poster, the situation now is such that you need divine intervention. Give the matter to God in prayers. Go to your Pastor let him fast & pray with you. You must come up with a solution. We are talking about marriage here. You can not afford to make any more mistakes. Only God can solve the problem. Good luck.

@vera
a nice dirty slap may help to wake you up and see the writing on the wall that you seem to NOT SEE.

also, your "true love" proposed to you before you got married but you still went ahead and got married THEN come here and start regretting your action.
if "care" was the only reason to take in consideration before marrying someone then we would all be married to our servants or else.

you are just another lady who was desperate to be labelled WIFE (if not then why would you even consider this guy), oh lawd!

MRbrownJAY:

some women really need to be. . . . . . . . .

@OP

My heart goes out to you for enduring this particular type of dilemma. There's nothing wrong with what you are going through.  Just remember, it's not your fault to find yourself into this situation. This dilemma is due to unfortunate sets of circumstances.  Don’t feel bad about it. Regardless of the outcome of the situation, you are not a bad person. 

Situations like yours have been happening since the beginning of time and will keep happening till the end of the days as there is nothing new under the sun. People fall out of love, people meet new people and want to leave their partners, people find out that the person they thought was 'the one' is not 'the one' after all.

I have been through exactly the same puzzle you are finding yourself in right now. My ex-fiancée had to choose between me and her ex. She made her choice and left me. My heart was broken.  I cried for weeks as the pain was overwhelming.  Hear me when I say the pain was excruciating. No one but the devil himself should go through such hell when even the most basics things like eating became a chore. However, today I can call myself bless by my ex-fiancée’s decision of leaving me. I have brought the best out of the devastating situation and I feel like a million bucks now. I am so happy and proud to share my story with the world:

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria?topic=466065.msg6250032#msg6250032

As for you, someone in your puzzle will be extremely hurt, but the good part is that you will all recover regardless of the damages. Just remember that this is a phase and it doesn't last forever.  Don’t let the brokenhearted factor bother you.  By leaving someone, you may be doing him a favor of setting him into the road toward his destiny. 

You may have to choose one of the two guys or you may even have to leave both of them. But, pity none of them. A man who can’t cope with a brokenheart shouldn’t be in a relationship to begin with. 

So, make a decision, it is that simple, but yet very difficult, but you need to make a decision. Don’t let emotion play trick on you. Pray about it and ask God for his divine wisdom.  Ask Him for His divine intervention.

My only concern: aren't you someone's wife through traditional marriage? If so, then there is nothing to do except to tell your childhood sweetheart "bye, bye".

Other than that, I will advise you to detach yourself from both of them. Take some time off and maybe in time you will see things much more clearly, the way they ought to be.


God bless,

TheCongo,

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I just want to thank you all.

I have told my childhood love that he is one piller that can ecourage me to continue with the marriage or pull out. I was ready to pull out and while crying,

He could not stand what am going through anymore expecially my cry. He told me that if it means him trading his happiness for me to stop crying, he will do it. He falls ill and me too because of the whole thing.

I can't stop crying that my childhood love could give up his own interest for my happiness while i got myself into this mess.

I have realised what it means to love and to want a woman or a man. I just hope i end up being happy in a longer term as he will always be part of my heart. all these months is being a painful moment out of my mistake.

@@ tpia.
It is a situation like mine that leads to such. Imagine a guy like my childhood lov who can remote me to his taste yet he calls me to order when i lose my self. If he was to be the other way round, i personally for sure will fall for that. It is a marriage because of want or need inplace of love.
It is what women go through in life and also when they make mistakes. It takes his grace to stand your true love when you never broke up. It takes those who have being truely inlove, to explain the force behind it. Outside that, our actions towards them looks silly to those that have never being truely inlove.

@ MRbrownJAY
  Bros am guilt of all. it was my fault. yet u are still a brother that i wish to hear from.
I have admitted my fault and have also seen the consiquences. It is only advice that I need from a brother like u. Imagine that my dad objected my marrying my husb to my childh, yet i convienced him, working only with imaginations. i had always told him that he is carring even when i knew i don't feel even 1/3 of what i feel for my childh. Am not proud of the whole thing. Mind of some ladies are like that at times, working with head instead of brain.

^^^^then i suggest you go sit down with all these people that you convinced to accept your marriage and convince them AGAIN that you made a huge mistake.

also the most important person in this issue (after you) is your husband and i suggest you tell him EXACTLY how you feel, no lame excuses. he knew from the beginning that you didnt love him and that this other guy was more important to you, thats why he was rushing to marry you to begin with. . . . . . . . . . . . so i am sure he will understand.

the sad fact is that you SHOULD NOT rush again to marry your ex, but instead, take time getting to know him again and making sure that, THIS TIME, it will be a long lasting union. i would hate to see you marry your ex only to turn around and feel "love" from some other person. if he really wants you,he will understand too

@veradove, pls marry ur childhood love. Dat kind of love is not de type u find everyday. Dont lose a lifetime of happiness just because of a misunderstanding on ur part. Besides from ur posts, u're only staying with/considering marrying de second guy just for his 'caring' attitude. Pls & pls! dat is not enough reason to marry someone! Don't make a monumental mistake by marrying him. It is NOT too late. When it would hav been is wen u'd gone before God to finalize it. For de traditional, u just showed people ur husband. It is better to be single than marry someone when ur mind & spirit is with another. Pls & pls! Dont employ pity here. For de second guy to have told u to relocate to another place just to take u far from de first guy goes to show he is not a confident man. He should know within himself dat ur heart is wit another man. Wit dat knowledge, i wonder why any self-respecting man wil want to go ahead wit de marriage if not for selfish reasons! Lady, it is not late yet ok? Better to make some much needed adjustments now even though some people might be alarmed FOR A WHILE, than TO LIVE UR WHOLE LIFE REGRETTING.

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VeraDove:

I just want to thank you all.

I have told my childhood love that he is one piller that can ecourage me to continue with the marriage or pull out. I was ready to pull out and while crying,

He could not stand what am going through anymore expecially my cry. He told me that if it means him trading his happiness for me to stop crying, he will do it. He falls ill and me too because of the whole thing.

I can't stop crying that my childhood love could give up his own interest for my happiness while i got myself into this mess.

I have realised what it means to love and to want a woman or a man. I just hope i end up being happy in a longer term as he will always be part of my heart. all these months is being a painful moment out of my mistake.

Com'on, don't let the first guy manipulates you with those words. If what he is telling you is truth, then he would have witdrawn himself from this picture from the onset.

Right now you are no in position to make a better judgement over the issue. Distance yourself from this and maybe in time you will see clearly.

What you need now is to distance yourself from both of them now. Fast and pray.  We don't know the future to tell you who to marry.

TheCongo,

:/