Please I Need Your Candid And Long Term Advise, I Am Presently Depressed And Out

This will be a lengthy one but I promise to summarize it as much as I can.

I met a lady in her late 30s 18months ago through an online friend. I was working in Lagos while she was based and working in Abuja.

We chatted for a while before she volunteered to come to Lagos for a visit over the weekend which doesn't seem a bad idea to me cos I believed seeing in person is better than 1 million pictures.

Due to her age and desperation, we met and she liked what she saw in me and intensive talks began on how I can relocate to Abuja and get better job. I actually haven't been to Abuja so I was excited to take that move with the hope of becoming a better person and getting a better job.

I resigned from my job due to some issues as at that time which could had been managed but so I can have more time to visit and see how things are in Abuja before making my final preparation to relocate. She supports financially during those time while I use my car for ehailing business pending when I will finally relocate.

Covid 19 lock down came and all plans were halted due to restrictions on vehicular movements. Fast forward to November last year I made final plans and I agreed to finally relocate but on the conditions that we will need to get a new apartment cos I don't want to move in with her to her former apartment which was a one room self contain, we got a 1 bedroom apartment and I moved in with her. She owns 90% stake on the expenses incurred but in the spirit of hope for a better job, I will upgrade the apartment to have an equal stake in the home.

It's been 3 months now I have fully relocated and we have been cohabiting but it's been hell for me and I just need help on how to get out of this mess I put myself. No job was forth coming and due to the fact that I am home always, I have been reduced to a house help cos I am the one doing the chores, cleaning the dishes and even my laundry though she pays for her own, so many other insults and atimes it's with exchanges of words before I can take a walk just to acclimatize myself with the terrains of the area.

It's really a bad experience for a man not to have a steady source of income cos in a twinkle of an eye the love will vanish.

I love the lifestyle of Abuja cos it is less stressful than Lagos and I will really like to get a good source of income so I can get my own apartment and be free from the shackles I put myself in the name of love.

I really need help now cos I know my days are numbered and it's a matter of time before she sends me packing cos I really don't have the right to the apartment. Please house, I need your candid advise on what to do and as always constructive criticism is allowed.

Thanks
Switchman

Hiaaaaan!

Take this lesson home: you call her 'evening newspaper' and say she is desperate, but she is a lot smarter than you with your puny preek, puny brain and gigantic ego. How can you relocate to leech off a woman without a plan B?? Who does that?

You resigned from your job to move in with a woman you're not married to because you assumed she's desperate and probably a mumu you can take advantage of or mooch off on not knowing your actions could backfire. Well, you're not married, so you can leave if you can't handle the situation because it turned out she's no mumu afterall, but I'm guessing you ain't got no money to move out. Pele

I really don't know what to type but lefulefu,dairykidd and few others can give you good advise,take it easy on yourself while you plan your exit,but why did you quickly jump on the offer of living with her don't do that next time

aroundtheearth:
You resigned from your job to move in with a woman you're not married to because you assumed she's desperate and probably a mumu you can take advantage of or mooch off on not knowing your actions could backfire. Well, you're not married, so you can leave if you can't handle the situation because it turned out she's no mumu afterall, but I'm guessing you ain't got no money to move out. Pele

Go learn how to talk to a depressed person or you think we don't know how to scold him?be mindful of what you type as depression is already involved or you simply read and pass.sabi sabi

Ishilove:
Hiaaaaan!

Is that all you have to say?

@Op, those are the consequences of taking the easy way out!

Abeg, shift. Depressed ko. He got himself into the mess he's in. It's nobody's fault he moved in with her with no job and no money saved either.

The same way you should've read my comment and passed. It's not your place to police anyone's comment here, so keep it moving.

Zzor:
Go learn how to talk to a depressed person or you think we don't know how to scold him?be mindful of what you type as depression is already involved or you simply read and pass.sabi sabi

Zzor:
Go learn how to talk to a depressed person or you think we don't know how to scold him?be mindful of what you type as depression is already involved or you simply read and pass.sabi sabi

Due to her age and desperation, we met and she liked what she saw in me and intensive talks began on how I can relocate to Abuja and get better job.

With the words above, you'd know that the op had it all planned out from the start.
He deliberately sought out an older lady for his gain.
He brought the problem upon himself.

I don't even doubt if his ultimate plan was to leave the lady after achieving his aim.

mariahAngel:




With the words above, you'd know that the op had it all planned out from the start.
He deliberately sought out an older lady for his gain.
He brought the problem upon himself.

I don't even doubt if his ultimate plan was to leave the lady after achieving his aim.

You are right,I had pity on him due to the depression else I know what to tell him

Lol. You must have read too many stories about Abuja ladies Good to know you've seen your mistakes and prepared to rewrite your story. Doesn't matter what anyone says about your choice to relocate (even though we know your motives), but living with her has exposed issues you probably would never have known from a distant relationship.

But here is my advice: continue to play the role of a domestic staff if things are so bad right now. Do your cab hustle alongside and don't stop applying for job opportunities. Do this for, e.g. 6 months and if at the end of 6 months, you still can't land a good job, take whatever you've saved up from your domestic role/cab work and move back to Lagos.

A timeline should guide your choice of where to go/live at this point. The cab hustle is to help you save up while the domestic staff job is meant to reset your senses.

Zzor:
Go learn how to talk to a depressed person or you think we don't know how to scold him?be mindful of what you type as depression is already involved or you simply read and pass.sabi sabi

notice op didn't mention he liked what he saw in her even though he mentioned she liked what she saw in him.my conclusion is that is just using her to step up on life and the girl in question is desperate to get a man since she feels age isn't on her side.nothin to advice here .

Switchman:
This will be a lengthy one but I promise to summarize it as much as I can.

I met a lady in her late 30s 18months ago through an online friend. I was working in Lagos while she was based and working in Abuja.

We chatted for a while before she volunteered to come to Lagos for a visit over the weekend which doesn't seem a bad idea to me cos I believed seeing in person is better than 1 million pictures.

Due to her age and desperation, we met and she liked what she saw in me and intensive talks began on how I can relocate to Abuja and get better job. I actually haven't been to Abuja so I was excited to take that move with the hope of becoming a better person and getting a better job.

I resigned from my job due to some issues as at that time which could had been managed but so I can have more time to visit and see how things are in Abuja before making my final preparation to relocate. She supports financially during those time while I use my car for ehailing business pending when I will finally relocate.

Covid 19 lock down came and all plans were halted due to restrictions on vehicular movements. Fast forward to November last year I made final plans and I agreed to finally relocate but on the conditions that we will need to get a new apartment cos I don't want to move in with her to her former apartment which was a one room self contain, we got a 1 bedroom apartment and I moved in with her. She owns 90% stake on the expenses incurred but in the spirit of hope for a better job, I will upgrade the apartment to have an equal stake in the home.

It's been 3 months now I have fully relocated and we have been cohabiting but it's been hell for me and I just need help on how to get out of this mess I put myself. No job was forth coming and due to the fact that I am home always, I have been reduced to a house help cos I am the one doing the chores, cleaning the dishes and even my laundry though she pays for her own, so many other insults and atimes it's with exchanges of words before I can take a walk just to acclimatize myself with the terrains of the area.

It's really a bad experience for a man not to have a steady source of income cos in a twinkle of an eye the love will vanish.

I love the lifestyle of Abuja cos it is less stressful than Lagos and I will really like to get a good source of income so I can get my own apartment and be free from the shackles I put myself in the name of love.

I really need help now cos I know my days are numbered and it's a matter of time before she sends me packing cos I really don't have the right to the apartment. Please house, I need your candid advise on what to do and as always constructive criticism is allowed.

Thanks
Switchman

Well, firstly why did you accept the interest of a woman who you perceived was only interested in you due to her “age and desperation”? Why would u want to be chosen based on desperation?

You should be mindful that because she is the breadwinner she is not treating you like the house help by expecting to you to manage the home, she is treating you like the other half. When one goes out and works the other stays home and gets things in order there.

You should want to be doing so well managing the home duties that she almost forgets to be disappointed in the fact that you’ve failed to earn an income. Have dinner waiting, keep the place spotless, fold her clothes...

But it’s nice to see a man recognizing that the duties of managing the home isn’t easy

lefulefu:
notice op didn't mention he liked what he saw in her even though he mentioned she liked what she saw in him.my conclusion is that is just using her to step up on life and the girl in question is desperate to get a man since she feels age isn't on her side.nothin to advice here .

Normal me knows what to type but I got soft when he mentioned depression, let me not just add to it

[Thanks for being nice to me. Your advise is well received.

Normal me knows what to type but I got soft when he mentioned depression, let me not just add to it[/quote]

I will comment when this reaches FP.


Modified

Now we made it to FP, I don't know what to say again.

OP just manage, beg your soul and make money then you carry on smartly.

I actually don't have issues with the house chores as a way to assist her but the bad mouth is really killing me.

McSquishi:


Well, firstly why did you accept the interest of a woman who you perceived was only interested in you due to her “age and desperation”? Why would u want to be chosen based on desperation?

You should be mindful that because she is the breadwinner she is not treating you like the house help by expecting to you to manage the home, she is treating you like the other half. When one goes out and works the other stays home and gets things in order there.

You should want to be doing so well managing the home duties that she almost forgets to be disappointed in the fact that you’ve failed to earn an income. Have dinner waiting, keep the place spotless, fold her clothes...

But it’s nice to see a man recognizing that the duties of managing the home isn’t easy

Switchman:
[Thanks for being nice to me. Your advise is well received.

Normal me knows what to type but I got soft when he mentioned depression, let me not just add to it

You are welcomed, learn never to take advantage of someone's situation some doesn't end well. Keep it low while you plan your exit,accept your mistakes and make amends,don't be too hard on yourself

Yes you are right I actually accepted her cos then I was seeing anyone and secondly am in my late 30s too and I felt this is a good opportunity to set my self up in the family way but the way she changed overnight due to the fact that the job search wasn't going the way we expected. Na money be man true true.

lefulefu:
notice op didn't mention he liked what he saw in her even though he mentioned she liked what she saw in him.my conclusion is that is just using her to step up on life and the girl in question is desperate to get a man since she feels age isn't on her side.nothin to advice here .

Switchman:
Yes you are right I actually accepted her cos then I was seeing anyone and secondly am in my late 30s too and I felt this is a good opportunity to set my self up in the family way but the way she changed overnight due to the fact that the job search wasn't going the way we expected. Na money be man true true.

bro if u not attracted to her dont involve urself oo cos if u do u will regret the marriage

I wasn't even thinking of becoming a parasite cos we both were doing fine when we met and she promised all the support she can give till I settle down fully but with the covid 19 lockdown and all the whole thing changed.

It was a genuine feelings I had for cos what she lacked in beauty and my taste she gave it back in being caring and love but the absence of money from end is not helping matters and the beast in her was so uncoverable no more.

mariahAngel:




With the words above, you'd know that the op had it all planned out from the start.
He deliberately sought out an older lady for his gain.
He brought the problem upon himself.

I don't even doubt if his ultimate plan was to leave the lady after achieving his aim.

Three months pass and am already feeling the heat, for now just wanna play the fool and double my hustle without letting her know my plans and at the slightest opportunity I move. Nothing as sickening as having a nagging wife

lefulefu:
bro if u not attracted to her dont involve urself oo cos if u do u will regret the marriage

Switchman:
I actually don't have issues with the house chores as a way to assist her but the bad mouth is really killing me.

You described doing house chores as “being reduced to house help”... reduced is not usually the word choice when you have no issues with the position.

I agree that belittling and degrading words are never ok. It even rises to the level of verbal abuse if it is consistently occurring... you can have a talk with her and let her know that you understand she’s disappointed in the fact that you haven’t lived up to her expectations yet but she should be patient with you and communicate with you in a way that doesn’t rise to the level of disrespect.

Though you sounded harsh to me but the fact is that you are actually right cos that was the most stupid decision I took and I can't reverse that which is why am here to seek advise so I won't make a more worse one.

Like I said I had a back up plan which is my car I left in Lagos and intentionally don't want to bring it to Abuja to do side hustle cos I want to know her attitudes in worse case scenario and I never expected within 3 months she will turn boss lady on me.

aroundtheearth:
Abeg, shift. Depressed ko. He got himself into the mess he's in. It's nobody's fault he moved in with her with no job and no money saved either.

The same way you should've read my comment and passed. It's not your place to police anyone's comment here, so keep it moving.

Thanks for the advise, honestly I think that is the exact strategy I will use to buy time for myself. I will have to play the fool and obedient child while I work on my plan B. I don't think it's worth being depressed cos if I die life goes on for her.

May God bless all the guys in the house financially cos without money love and respect vanishes.

McSquishi:


You described doing house chores as “being reduced to house help”... reduced is not usually the word choice when you have no issues with the position.

I agree that belittling and degrading words are never ok. It even rises to the level of verbal abuse if it is consistently occurring... you can have a talk with her and let her know that you understand she’s disappointed in the fact that you haven’t lived up to her expectations yet but she should be patient with you and communicate with you in a way that doesn’t rise to the level of disrespect.

Switchman:
Thanks for the advise, honestly I think that is the exact strategy I will use to buy time for myself. I will have to play the fool and obedient child while I work on my plan B. I don't think it's worth being depressed cos if I die life goes on for her.

May God bless all the guys in the house financially cos without money love and respect vanishes.

Also maybe value yourself more than choosing a woman knowing she wants you out of desperation. That was building a house on shaky foundation to begin with. Good luck!

Richy4:
What you are battling with is nothing but superiority Complex.... In your mind/ heart you have lined up how a man should be... A man should not wash his own cloth, a man should not do chores etc... That is just nonsense...Someone that altered her simple life style of living in an apartment and foots majority of the bills just to meet your demand half way, you were not even grateful... For your information, A lot of married men do chores.... If anyone on social media tells you otherwise, he is lying to u...

Besides, You know very well that covid-19 disrupted a lot of things around the world including Nigeria.. and you should know the average time frame that one would look for job around the world has doubled because of the pandemic... Take it easy with yourself... Be a little humble and focus on your goal... Though I simply wish that Lady saw a better man who will love her in return instead of u... because your Ego is higher than Kilimanjaro...

Don't mind op.
Imagine him complaining of doing his own laundry. I thought he was gonna say including the lady's own not knowing she's even paying for hers.

Oga alfer male op, as you're planning your exit, I'd advise you be careful not to get her pregnant else you'll be stocked.

Switchman:
I wasn't even thinking of becoming a parasite cos we both were doing fine when we met and she promised all the support she can give till I settle down fully but with the covid 19 lockdown and all the whole thing changed.

It was a genuine feelings I had for cos what she lacked in beauty and my taste she gave it back in being caring and love but the absence of money from end is not helping matters and the beast in her was so uncoverable no more.

Learn from this to never rely on anyone but God (if you believe) and yourself.
Also, don't be afraid to get yourself out of that situation and start afresh.

lefulefu:
notice op didn't mention he liked what he saw in her even though he mentioned she liked what she saw in him.my conclusion is that is just using her to step up on life and the girl in question is desperate to get a man since she feels age isn't on her side.nothin to advice here .

You said it all.. nothing to advise that man. Any man wey dey depend on woman money na there him failures start. Abuja wey hard pass rock.. I just only dey pity am because him no wise at all shi shi

Cc: Zzor

As much as I like older women. You're just a SIMP!.

:bro if u not attracted to her dont involve urself oo cos if u do u will regret the marriage