DEMZEE:
Peace of mind over spec

Women's beauty diminishes with time.

I noticed that most men that are looking for spec because they are thinking with a feminine mindset. Most men have scarcity mindset and so they are as loyal as their options. Men's game is attaining as many women as possible. Women's game is locking down a high value man.
Men want quantity, women want quality that is why women want men who are superior to them in every areas of life (financially,physically etc) but men just want women who are fit, attractive and friendly. Men don't care about a woman's status but women love men who have status because women are attracted to men who other men wanna be and other women wanna Bleep.

Oro - Word !

You can actually get both

Im lucky my lady's got both

She doesn't nag.

She apologizes when wrong

Her kindness can make you wanna cry

She's very supportive and understanding

Been able to build trust with her

We open up to one another about who and who is hitting on us then we laugh about it.

Her beauty is out of this world yet she remains the meekest person I know.

It is possible to find both but worst still don't be carried away by aesthetics, it won't last.
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Did I mention she's gonna be a Doc soon.

Klass99:
Lol Sanchez you have you married? Share your own story make we learn too.

If you are, what motivated you to get married a.k.a what were your reasons? And if you aren't married yet, what are your reasons?

I enjoyed reading your case studies, it was entertaining and educating. Case 1 reminded me of a nairalander's story (can't remember her username now) and me @ 22.

I am glad I didn't do that (get married) at the time but chose to pursue the desires in my heart, when one suitor wanted us to get married so badly. I was young and naive, I'm not sure how we would have fared but I like the older me better than the younger me.

What is the desire in your heart? To be enjoying young boys and squandering there money? Fear God o

You can actually find both.

emmnprince:



Your moniker says it all!

idiot what has my moniker got to do with my personal choice? Foolish man why must you be intimidated by another man's personal decision. do your own and go.

johnkey:
idiot what has my moniker got to do with my personal choice? Foolish man why must you be intimidated by another man's personal decision. do your own and go.

That's my opinion of your comment just as you dropped your opinion after you read the OP's article.

Klass99:


Your post had me smiling from ear to ear. I like your outlook on life but what do you mean by public commitment?

I needed that self awareness and to discover myself before getting married. Marrying @ 22 just didn't feel right to me, thankfully I had (and still have) enlightened parents who didn't push or force the issue of marriage on any of their kids.

Now that I'm older, more self aware and I think independently (I've always had a mind of own and was a non-conformist as far back as secondary school & university anyway ) I know that;

1. I want to love and be loved.

2. I'm not crazy about having kids of my own. The thought of it exhausts me, more than it excites me.

3. I want a man who understands that even though we may be married, we do not lose ourselves or individuality. On point 3, the lyrics from one of Neyo's says songs comes to mind - I'm a movement by myself but we are a force when we are together.

4. I want and love companionship, good and authentic companionship with lots of quality time with my man, like just cuddling him in front of the TV, while we watch our favourite programs and me running my hands over his bare chest, occasionally massaging his neck and shoulders. I don't think you love love more than me o especially when the feeling is mutual.

5. I want a married life experience where he'll be my baby and I'll be his. We will be two adults just taking care of each other and doing the good we can in our community and to the people in our lives and space (whether we know them personally or not)

Younger me may have gotten married simply because;

1. My suitor was good looking, he wanted it and was mounting the pressure like kilode?

2. The so called society expected it of me as a woman and......

3. Who knows I may have been one of your case studies today if not divorced sef

Older me has the presence of mind to make well thought out decisions on the basis of my self awareness. Decisions that help rather than hurt me, in the short or long run.

I'm good. I hope you are too.

All this seamless excuses please go and marry except if you want to keep enjoying fresh boys for the rest of your life

addictiv:
Why do people always have this mindset that you must choose between two evils. Like choosing between a caring poor man and an arrogant rich man, a beautiful arrogant girl and a well behaved ugly girl. Why can't the options be two beautiful well behaved ladies or two wealthy good-looking well trained gentlemen?... Why must the good choice always have an unpalatable flaw?
I strongly believe that specs and peace of mind can be found in one person, I shouldn't have to give up one for the other. There re women with both qualities and more... Find them.

two complete people rarely meet!

#BigUps OP... Nice Write-up!

Peace of mind over SPEC anytime any day, twice on Saturday!

Truth is, most of those Specs will loose shape and if they do in short/long run, what do you do!!!

Compatibility should be the number one factor to consider alongside any intention of marriage. You must know who you are marrying!!

But how can people get to know their intending spouse when they hardly even know themselves?

Most people erroneously believe that they know themselves but they don't. Thats why they usually believe that their number one priority is beauty, big ass, big breast, impeccable English and phonetics, amazing dress sense, nice car, nice apartment, broad chest, tall and dark complexion, etc etc. But the moment they get inside the house and after 5 days of nonstop sex, the true colour begins to manifest and everyone will come to their senses. The first reaction is surprise, then indignation/anger, then fight will start. Something that would have been averted by carefully and objectively looking out for important attributes in your love interest -- and politely letting them go if those attributes are absent.

God help His children make good choices in marriage. Amen.

Klass99:


To you yes, but not for me. Thoughts become things.

The problem with majority of people when it comes to marriage is a stereotypical mindset of what and how a marriage should be.

But, bold and courageous people who don't have a herd mentality, are comfortable in their skin, can think for themselves and are not afraid to be divergent, know that they can create their own world and decide for themselves exactly what they want.

Know this and know freedom and peace - Your life is yours to build, it is not for others to steer.

Oh, okay I understand, it's increasingly looking like women's expectations are too much ...I believe people should focus on the basis, compatibility, maturity and interdependence on one another in all areas of the marriage, but no, the superficial is the major on the major , me I have given my peace, I don't like stress for myself,I'd prefer a woman who won't overstress me, though I'm not totally a traditional guy,a mix of both, I expect my woman to be a mix of both too, we try a lot to arm wrestle men into being traditional ,when a lot of you women are not traditional anymore, it's only fair for both parties to accept this reality and thrive to be a mix of both

Joydan95:
Marriage is a sacred union and one with much complexity. I often advice that people should go for peace of mind rather than spec when it comes to marriage cos there are countless feats you could achieve when you have peace of mind.
Before I got married, in my dating phase I mostly went into relationships with guys from stable homes...it may sound like am selective or judgemental but this this greatly influences the behavior of people. The few people I knew that were from broken homes had some sort of repulsive behavior.
I believe in marriage cos my parents have been together for close to 30 years and their bond keep getting stronger, they sometimes get angry at each other but they hardly raise their voices talkless of raise their hands to fight...they have never fought since I was born.Now, that sets a bar for the kind of marriage I prayed to have.
When I met my fiancé now husband, I was concerned about his background, family and goals. I put my peace of mind before my spec, my spec was someone who is outspoken, manly, decisive , protective and can spur me to achieve my own goals too. So far it has been amazing

We sometimes have misunderstandings (yes we would cos we weren’t brought up with the same ideology) but we resolve it as soon as possible. We talk about everything and anything ...we are our best friend, we cruise together, drink together , pray together, work together and sometimes cook together. See, perfect marriage s exist only if you reject third parties in your marriage. Third parties gently break bonds in marriage without people realizing it....the only third party I allow in my marriage is God and so far so good, he has been leading us well.

But some people from families that are intact , separate.

Why didn't their background help.

Pelxmiye:


Oh, okay I understand, it's increasingly looking like women's expectations are too much ...I believe people should focus on the basis, compatibility, maturity and interdependence on one another in all areas of the marriage, but no, the superficial is the major on the major , me I have given my peace, I don't like stress for myself,I'd prefer a woman who won't overstress me, though I'm not totally a traditional guy,a mix of both, I expect my woman to be a mix of both too, we try a lot to arm wrestle men into being traditional ,when a lot of you women are not traditional anymore, it's only fair for both parties to accept this reality and thrive to be a mix of both

I was listening to a podcast earlier this morning, a black american women in her 30s was interviewed, she's almost a PHd holder and a medical practitioner, she doesn't want to marry a man in his 40s, she want a man in his 30s too, however men in these range of age would go for 25, 27 and below women,they rarely go for women in their 30s,this same lady doesn't also want to go for younger men because she believes they won't be able to take care of her.

Funny thing is, this lady is a high earning medical practitioner, yet we wants a man that can still take care of 75 percent of the Bill's even when she already earns very high, you can see the confusing, she's financially buoyant yet she won't marry a modern man who they can both share 50/50 or 60/40 or 45/55, she wants the man to do 75 percent regardless of how financially okay she is, women should stop looking for traditional men they can stress, and men should stop looking for traditional women too, except you have all the women to ensure that she remains a traditional wife, this way there won't be any stress on either of both parties, I know I have deviated from the topic

well written O.P this is something all intending couple's should take note of.

PrimadonnaO:
Sanchez, my Bible has no Psalms 123:7

I agree that the idea of having a "fixed" spec is problematic. It has a way of creating a psychological turn-off towards people who don't fit into those specifications.

The consequence usually is that;

1. We miss out on relationships that may have been much more fulfilling.

2. It causes us to tolerate excesses in those so-called "specs." Excesses that oftentimes dent or completely ruin the relationship in the long run.

Wow.. Another brilliant post, i love your mindset..

Im very guilty of what you stated above..., the number 2 held me hostage for years... Because i believed if it wasn't her it won't br another.. Because i felt.. She had something special meant for only me.. And non other can give me.. To make matters worse, it was long distance.. So i couldn't see she was a very pretty lady, yes, but not totally diff from regular girls (cant blame myself too much cos i felt God brought her my way for a mission, because prior to meeting her i had prayed specifically for her type)... Long story shot, she left and married another and i was stuck on her, for years... We met years ago, she couldn't understand how she missed a good looking guy like me(shes very petty and married for pity and to spite me).. She saw how well am doing and been using scope to see if she can get some money..


At op

Brilliant post.

My take is listen to your spirit.. Its Gods microphone to direct you and when you listen to your spirit, you'd see it wants the exactly what will be better for you, and will bring real satisfaction... Satisfaction is from within.. It can never be gotten from outside.. Food, sex etc, so when you choose a partner based of physical, the joy is very short.. Yes God can direct you, but you need to also put in the work, its not auto

I don't intend to make this long.. OP, thank you for this mind-blowing piece, omooo I been think say na literature section I dey, had to check twice lol

Hmmm this marriage matter, I don talk tire o.. Spec doesn't necessarily read one's physical features, for people who truly know those attributes that are indeed instrumental to a happy, healthy & long-lasting relationship, beauty(male/female) isn't all there is.. Misplaced priorities everywhere, nobody is saying "oh don't marry a tdhfb guy or fbatt lady", we're saying "are y'all looking at the bigger picture, at the same time?", "does he/she possess qualities that will further sustain the relationship in future?", "if not, how can you help them be on the same page with you?, are they receptive?", these & many more are things that should be put into consideration before saying "I do" except sey na play play una dey do sha.. Peace of mind is everything abeg, na spec oninown sef, underrated sh*t, even in work environment.

Toks2008:


Ishilove you are so very right but you and i know that the heart wants what it wants and this is the inner conflict that makes romance very intriguing.

Even you that wrote that will never ever settle below a certain spec even if your phronesis tells you such man is the right one for you but if we can truly understand that peace of mind is very very important and meticulously choose a partner that we know will give us peace of mind, we will enjoy the best romance ever...BUT THE QUESTION IS...''WILL OUR HEARTS ALLOW US''?

The heart want what it wants, even when it is worse for it

duality:



But some people from families that are intact , separate.

Why didn't their background help.

Some parents are intact but you have no idea the manner of abuse that takes place in such homes. There is more to what that meets the eyes

Anyhow

StarFire08:
This issue is something we are in one way guilty of . Wanting a TDH/ FBAbabe in the long run ignoring the important things .

Hey Starfire

bignero:



Wow.. Another brilliant post, i love your mindset..

Im very guilty of what you stated above..., the number 2 held me hostage for years... Because i believed if it wasn't her it won't br another.. Because i felt.. She had something special meant for only me.. And non other can give me.. To make matters worse, it was long distance.. So i couldn't see she was a very pretty lady, yes, but not totally diff from regular girls (cant blame myself too much cos i felt God brought her my way for a mission, because prior to meeting her i had prayed specifically for her type)... Long story shot, she left and married another and i was stuck on her, for years... We met years ago, she couldn't understand how she missed a good looking guy like me(shes very petty and married for pity and to spite me).. She saw how well am doing and been using scope to see if she can get some money..


At op

Brilliant post.

My take is listen to your spirit.. Its Gods microphone to direct you and when you listen to your spirit, you'd see it wants the exactly what will be better for you, and will bring real satisfaction... Satisfaction is from within.. It can never be gotten from outside.. Food, sex etc, so when you choose a partner based of physical, the joy is very short.. Yes God can direct you, but you need to also put in the work, its not auto

Hmmm. Interesting!

And spot on!

Klass99:


Your post had me smiling from ear to ear. I like your outlook on life but what do you mean by public commitment?

I needed that self awareness and to discover myself before getting married. Marrying @ 22 just didn't feel right to me, thankfully I had (and still have) enlightened parents who didn't push or force the issue of marriage on any of their kids.

Now that I'm older, more self aware and I think independently (I've always had a mind of my own and was a non-conformist as far back as secondary school & university anyway ) I know that;

1. I want to love and be loved.

2. I'm not crazy about having kids of my own. The thought of it exhausts me, more than it excites me.

3. I want a man who understands that even though we may be married, we do not lose ourselves or individuality. On point 3, the lyrics from one of Neyo's says songs comes to mind - I'm a movement by myself but we are a force when we are together.

4. I want companionship, good and authentic companionship with lots of quality time with my man, like just cuddling him in front of the TV, while we watch our favourite programs and me running my hands over his bare chest, occasionally massaging his neck and shoulders. I don't think you love love more than me o especially when the feeling is mutual.

5. I want a married life experience where he'll be my baby and I'll be his. We will be two adults just taking care of each other and doing the good we can in our community and to the people in our lives and space (whether we know them personally or not)

Younger me may have gotten married simply because;

1. My suitor was good looking, he wanted it and was mounting the pressure like kilode?

2. The so called society expected it of me as a woman and......

3. Who knows I may have been one of your case studies today if not divorced sef

Older me has the presence of mind to make well thought out decisions on the basis of my self awareness. Decisions that help rather than hurt me, in the short or long run.

I'm good. I hope you are too.

wow, I really do like your idea of marriage. It's beautiful, the only NO for me is your take on having kids.

peace of mind all the way......

Washing clothes ,Cooking ,Sweeping ,Ironing ,Cleaning I can do all with Joy ...The only thing I need a woman for is Child bearing and Sex .I can get the two without Getting Married .So what is the essence ,Abeg it's Unnecessary . If U need rest and long life .Run from Marriage

Sanchez01:
It took me a while to decide on the title of this thread but then, it still somehow doesn't capture the idea of my post. Regardless, here goes...

Considering it took you a while to decide on the topic, I'd understand why I agree with everything you have written aside the topic itself. I personally feel "peace of mind" is a spec required for marriage and one of the most important spec at that. It baffles me when I see both men and women focusing on physical appearances when choosing a life partner. I'd go for a man that looks like a monkey if my happiness lies therein. .

I want a man whose love for me, and my love for him is unrivaled. If this is obtained, then cheating cannot even be in the equation. Because that cheating of a thing scares the hell outta me.

I want a man with a conscience. This eradicates a whole lot of heartaches in marriage.

I want a man full of life and with a vision. A man that takes charge. A man that knows he is a man and acts accordingly.

I want a man that loves kids and knows how to handle kids or is willing to learn. So I'll be rest assured that my children will not have daddy issues.

I want a man that loves sex and love to explore and still sees sex as sacred. All these stories of philandering men is as a result of the kind of societal values obtainable these days. People now see sex as an achievement, as a tender, as a reward, as punishment, name it. Most people have lost the true essence of sex as an act of love. Most people have not even experienced love in sex.

I could go on and on about my ideal specs. Yes, one can't find all specs in one man. You just have to apply opportunity cost and know which is non negotiable. For me, physical appearances is just a plus, definitely not the ultimate. I just pray we all get it right at the end of the day.

Beautiful write up once again.

Sanchez01:
Not sure about FBA but TDH is TALL, DARK & HANDSOME.

Fat Big Ass

Melst:

Considering it took you a while to decide on the topic, I'd understand why I agree with everything you have written aside the topic itself. I personally feel "peace of mind" is a spec required for marriage and one of the most important spec at that. It baffles me when I see both men and women focusing on physical appearances when choosing a life partner. I'd go for a man that looks like a monkey if my happiness lies therein. .

I want a man whose love for me, and my love for him is unrivaled. If this is obtained, then cheating cannot even be in the equation. Because that cheating of a thing scares the hell outta me.

I want a man with a conscience. This eradicates a whole lot of heartaches in marriage.

I want a man full of life and with a vision. A man that takes charge. A man that knows he is a man and acts accordingly.

I want a man that loves kids and knows how to handle kids or is willing to learn. So I'll be rest assured that my children will not have daddy issues.

I want a man that loves sex and love to explore and still sees sex as sacred. All these stories of philandering men is as a result of the kind of societal values obtainable these days. People now see sex as an achievement, as a tender, as a reward, as punishment, name it. Most people have lost the true essence of sex as an act of love. Most people have not even experienced love in sex.

I could go on and on about my ideal specs. Yes, one can't find all specs in one man. You just have to apply opportunity cost and know which is non negotiable. For me, physical appearances is just a plus, definitely not the ultimate. I just pray we all get it right at the end of the day.

Beautiful write up once again.

Your expectations are beautiful! I must admit you and Klass99 echoed my thoughts better.

I say "AMEN" to your last sentence. Happy weekend!

RuMiRgO1stSon:

Fat Big Ass

Thank you!

PrimadonnaO:



Hmmm. Interesting!

And spot on!

Lol,
Yeah