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Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Romance / Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? (5890 Views)
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Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by Nobody: 12:00am On May 18, 2021 |
I met a guy two months ago. He's a Nairalander but not an active one. He's Ibo, while I'm Yoruba. He's 40, I'm approaching mid-30s next year. When we started talking we realized we're in the same country outside Nigeria and he just so happens to live in the city I've been wanting to move to, which we thought was an interesting coincidence. This city is a 3-hour flight away. We would talk on the phone almost daily. A month later/early last month, he asked me to be in a relationship with him and I accepted. I told him about the things I've been through. He promised to love me unconditionally and never leave me. We never argued once. I thought I had met an amazing man with all the qualities I'm looking for. I don't care so much about the physical but I thought he had all the characteristics I want in a man. Until we met in person two weeks ago. Fast forward to two weeks ago he came to visit me in my city. I went to welcome him at the airport and was so happy to see him, although being an introvert (which he knows) I may not have shown it that much outwardly but I told him and thanked him numerous for coming to see me. He rented an AirBnB to stay in. We kissed passionately that night (no sex - I had told him I'm waiting for marriage) and I fell for him all the more. He's the second man I've ever kissed and great kisser, at that. The next day we were going out (he had rented a car for a couple of days) and that day he was taking me somewhere and was to pick me up later that afternoon). In the car, all I did was ask him to go a different route that would get us to our destination faster and was an easier route than the initial one, and he got angry and flared up that I'm asking him to go another direction, I should know he's not used to driving in my city, he doesn't want to get into an accident. He just went on and on chastising me over something I felt he should've been appreciative for since he could get back to the AirBnB faster and go back to sleep. I couldn't believe he was the same man I had been talking to on the phone, as he had always been calm during our communication prior to meeting. I didn't know he had a temper but I was seeing it at that moment. When it was time for me to get off, I said "bye" to him and he ignored me, then zoomed off like he was in a racecar. Thankfully it was an empty street. I cried and sent him a text not long after that he should have a safe flight back to his city because I wouldn't see him again because of how he had just treated me. We exchanged texts back and forth, he was angry about my text and said something about wanting to take the next flight back to his city. I asked him to call me to talk things out and he refused, that I should call him if I wanted to talk to him. I called him and he was upset about my text. I didn't want him to leave and hurridly took a $45 taxi ride to meet him at the AirBnB. I apologized for my text and he also apologized for his behaviour. He said he was falling in love with me and didn't know what to do. We talked but he was still sleepy, so I lwent to watch Tv on the couch while he slept on the bed. When he got up, we watched some Tv shows and movies and then went out later to get some food. The next day, I prepared some food for him, from my place. Before meeting I had mentioned to him during a conversation that I like to cook and wanted to cook for him. I told him I don't like being single since I've to eat all the things by myself and wanted someone to cook for and he said he couldn't wait for me to cook for him. He had also told me he pays people there to cook for him, so I wanted to make some things for him to last him two or three days. We were to meet a few hours later, so I spent those hours cooking: fish pies, fried rice, lamb, shrimp. I had also bought two things for him and took those along with the food I hade made for him. I had to make sure I give these things to him, as he was returning to his city the next day. When we saw again that afternoon, the first thing he told me was that his ancestors don't eat lamb, which he had never told me before. I felt he wasn't appreciative of my efforts but he later managed to say thank you. I wanted us to go somewhere that afternoon but he didn't want to go, so we just watched tv. I spent the time and again, no sex; he never pressured me and had said he would wait till whenever I'm ready. The next morning, for some reason it skipped my mind to follow him to the airport and say goodbye to him there, coupled with the conversation the previous night about him not wanting to be late, I thought he would be better if I didn't follow him there to say goodbye. He had mentioned not wanting to be late for his flight the next morning and I assumed this meant it would be better for me to not go with him to the airport to see him off there. He dropped me off at my place (we kissed and said goodbye in the car), then he headed to the airport back to his city. After his visit, the relationship wasn't the same. He would reply my texts hours later, saying he was sleeping and with only a few words. It was during a conversation a few days later that I got to find out he was upset because I hadn't followed him to the airport to say goodbye and I thought 'omg'. It had skipped my mind the morning he headed back and again, with the conversation the night before his return, I thought perhaps I shouldn't go with him. It was simply an error of thinking of my part but one I felt awful about. I apologized to him and told him how bad I felt bad now that I realized I hadn't gone with him to the airport to see him off/say goodbye to him there. It now dawned on me why he was giving attitude in the car that morning on the way to the airport. He kept singing to the songs on the radio, which was fine, but I felt ignored. At one time he asked me a question and before I finished answering he cut me off and started singing again. When I found out this was why he was upset days later, I tried to explain that it wasn't intentional, that it had skipped my mind and if he had just told me or reminded me in the case, I would've gone with him. The airport is close to my house, so it wasn't as if it was far or I had any reason for not going with him, other than it skipping my mind, perhaps because I had misunderstood the previous night's convo, but he barely heard my side or even let me speak because he was literally yelling at on the phone. A few days later I sent him a text asking if his heart was still in the relationship and he called me right away that it was, we talked, then he sent me a text that he cared about me, which was reassuring. We didn't talk much after that call or he would barely respond to my texts, but days later I sent him a text asking what we would do when I visit his city. As stated above, I wanted to move to his city prior to coming across this man but had some doubts about moving there, which I shared with him when we started communicating. He had invited me then to come stay with him for a few days to check out the city to enable me to decide. He has an extra room in his apartment that I would sleep in, but I was hesitant and changed my mind about this a few times, which annoyed him. During his trip here I accepted the offer. He never asked for sex throughout his stay, so I was more confident that I would be safe staying with him for a weekend. He said I had to pay for the flight ticket/roundtrip (about $300) myself and I told him okay. Back to the text about what we do during my visit: I had asked him this because he didn't want to do much during his visit here, granted we're technically still on lockdown and most places are closed but we could've gone to some other places - he didn't want to. I also asked because I knew he would be tired from his night shift job and would sleep during the day, or work his second job that he also does during the day when he's not sleeping. I didn't want to visit him and just sit at his apartment without going anywhere, as he would either be at work, or sleeping. His responded 3-hrs later was a "zipped mouth smiley" and didn't bother to say anything else. I felt he should've said something and not just send me a smiley. I sent him a response that I may not come there if we aren't going to go out and he replied with an "Ok". I know he was upset by that and thought I was changing my mind about visiting him. He had wanted me to move there to grow our relationship, but he didn't talk to me after that text. I felt he was slipping away and I couldn't pinpoint why. I blocked him, and I admit I did block him on two previous occasions when I didn't like his reaction to things but he would either call me outside WhatsApp to ask why I blocked him or I would later unblock him that day, apologize for blocking him and we would start talking again. I know he didn't like the blocking because he said his ex-wife also did the same anytime they argued. He was seeing every communication as an argument and I didn't get it; I wasn't sure how to communicate with him anymore because he just started overreacting to things, especially after we met in person. I felt at times he was projecting whatever happened in his marriage towards me, like anytime I asked him a question to understand something he would see it as a argument or a back-and-forth, while I would tell him I was just trying to understand him or the discussion and I always told him this. Last week I sent him a text telling him we should decide if he we should continue the relationship and he didn't respond. Two days later I texted him that he should've responded but I got his response from his silence, called him abusive, fake/pretentious because he was a totally different man from how he had portrayed himself over the phone and I thanked him for showing me his true colours. He responded with an "Ok" and that was the last of our communication. I'm heartbroken and have been trying to figure out what went wrong. Before him, the one relationship I've been in was almost a decade ago and when we started talking, I told him this, and that he would have to be patient with me because I haven't been in a relationship in years, that I'm still a learner as far as relationship goes and he should always tell me if I do anything wrong for us to work it out. He told me he was in my life to stay and wasn't going to leave me for any reason. We had talked about getting married and how we want to raise kids, even asked what type of ring I want. I told him I'm not particular about any, that it's the thought that counts and he said if he gets me one we could always change it later. I'm not desperate for marriage and never been one to jump into any relationship. He was the one saying we would get married and wanted to marry me. He was previously married (his marriage ended last year, no kids) and currently finalizing his divorce papers with his ex-wife who left him and returned her bride price back to his family. I never judged him for being previously married, but always encouraged him and would tell him I was proud of him (he works two jobs), sent him an online card last month on his 40th bday, praying for and encouraging him. I don't know his address, else I would've sent him a gift, as I'm very giving and love buying things for people. When we first started chatting two months ago and he told me about a problem of his, I sprung to take a photo of the perfect solution for him so he could buy it for himself to use, which he bought and did thank me for because it works. Anytime he would tell me about a problem I always offered solutions or suggestions to help him out. I was always ready to share ideas with him and tell him things I know that he may not. Idk what else I could've done to show him I cared. Idk if he met someone else but I do know he chats with other women on Whatsapp, though he says some are married and they're only friends. I'm hurt. Because I finally let a man into my life again only for him to leave me in pieces. Because he never meant the promises he made to me. Because I feel like a fool believing he would never leave me like he had said. Because I miss him so much and don't know how to console myself. I'm about to be single for another 10 years, but I just want y'all to tell me where I went wrong or what I did wrong. Sorry for the long post. I just needed someone to talk to. Pls, don't quote the post (I may delete it later). |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by Nobody: 12:12am On May 18, 2021 |
Lol sorry ooo 1 Like 1 Share |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by Nobody: 12:16am On May 18, 2021 |
Only a fool would quote the long epistle you put up there. Take heart. By the way, I don't know why my male-detector device keeps beeping while I read your post. 8 Likes |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by SweetCuntess: 12:21am On May 18, 2021 |
@Op see it's better you pull yourself together ooo , do not let anyone steal your joy! Single for another 10 years? U must be joking! Common go out and have fun, infact indulge in a safe fling to keep body and mind together jor |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by Nobody: 12:29am On May 18, 2021 |
SweetCuntess: Lol She stays abroad. She's about to be single for 10 years. Nice ingredients to lure Mugu-magas. 4 Likes |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by SweetCuntess: 12:32am On May 18, 2021 |
SimplyFacts:LMFAO. Abi who in their senses would limit themselves like that? Besides if d story is true, d guy probably came for sexx sha. NL guys eh 2 Likes |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by Nobody: 12:39am On May 18, 2021 |
Cheer up, sister. God will send the right man your way. 5 Likes |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by sandraade(f): 12:51am On May 18, 2021 |
Though, I’m not an expert in this topic, but having read through your post, I can say the man already see you as a desperate for a marriage. Look else where for your hubby. This guy is not fit for you |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by nuggarito: 1:13am On May 18, 2021 |
So after coming back from work then branching to oga emekas shop to buy airtime and still finding what I'll eat tonight, I'll now come online with this my small data and no strength to read this bible because I wan hear tori. MS op from the write up it's like your relationship problems is very huge. I'll leave it to the next commenter below maybe he has time and strength to read. 5 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by Jh0wsef(m): 1:28am On May 18, 2021 |
I'm sorry about what happened, I really do not know why some men would decide to play / toy with a lady's emotion. How would he say something online and mean another entirely in reality? I have ladies flock all over me, but I never for once want to make them regret pouring out their emotions to me. There are several ways to handle matters, I only respond with "Ok" when I know it's getting tiresome and I have tried correcting severally because I naturally don't like stressing anything. He should have just been straight forward with you rather than making you ponder what exactly you have done wrong. Things go wrong in a relationship, but what matters the most is how both parties resolve it.. The real problem is not the problem itself but how to get a solution to that problem. I really like your persona, no doubts. you hardly would love, but when you do you put in your all. that is just the way I'm wired too 8 Likes |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by Jennycoolz(f): 1:47am On May 18, 2021 |
Sigh My darling you're not at fault here , I'm not trying to support you just bc I'm a girl like you but judging from all you've said then you're not at fault I just have 3 questions for you and you have to send me a mail it's private , mention me if you have bc I hardly go through my mails 6 Likes |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by HeavenlyCherub(f): 4:05am On May 18, 2021 |
cryingeyes: Hello lovely, You never did anything wrong. The man is just not meant for you. If it was from God , it comes with confirmation. if it’s meant for you, you won’t have to stress, chase or fight for it. Do you want to be with a man who makes you walk on egg shells always? No relationship is perfect but when things dont work out the way you want, thank God for closed doors. You can’t convince a man to do anything. A man who wants to be with you will show you. In closing someone wise once told me “ if he wants you, you will know.. if he doesn’t- you will be confused.” Be careful not to fall prey to a man who wants you to be a placeholder until what he really wants arrives 5 Likes |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by Mikester: 5:01am On May 18, 2021 |
Women do feel that a man who causes them pain is a potential husband and often try to make him love them and want to be with them. Such a wrong way of reasoning but I think it is the woman's curse. Anyway, if what you wrote is true, I know you feel very hurt right now but you have to understand that if one wants to be with you, he will make the effort and not just utter words. Don't feel sad over someone who left you especially someone who brings you nothing but pain, and had such disgusting attitude. I assure you, being single will save you a thousand times more stress than being in the wrong relationship though it isn't easy especially as a lady who is 'close to the wall'. You just have to try be at peace with yourself so you can give yourself some dignity, ignore that guy and continue with your life. Sometimes the best way to solve a problem is to stop caring. 5 Likes |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by Lalami3232(m): 5:27am On May 18, 2021 |
I refuse not to be carried away with ur side of the story. I wait for the other party to tell me his story before pronouncing my verdict. Nobody dey ever judge story against his/her own self. Even Baba Ijesha or boko boys, if dem judge give you, you would be convinced that they're 100% innocent. But for u not to wish person wey come visit you a "GOODBYE/SAFE TRIP", my sister u do wrong for that part oooooo. Anyways, make I wait make Emeka come defend himself ![]() 2 Likes |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by infogenius(m): 6:47am On May 18, 2021 |
Op, I am sorry about ur broken fake relationship. I don't need to hear from the two of u to know that u were not meant for each other. No relationship has ever been perfect and none will. We only tolerate our differences and build upon it to make our relationships worthwhile. Stop feeling heartbroken and thank God for loving you. Or else u would write sorry tales if u married this man. Be yourself always and only improve in areas u feel u need to. The right man for you will come ur way in a short while. And let me warn, don't take that guy back into ur life if he tries to crawl his way back. He is not ur guy at all. All the best. 3 Likes |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by Offpoint1: 6:48am On May 18, 2021 |
Next time summarize, we are not paid to read here. Question1: During your online convos, were you sending him FILTERED images? Question2: I don't understand the heartbreak, what you mean? Advise 1: Never, ever, ever kiss a guy if you don't want to have sex with him. I hate that stuffs, a lot of guys hate it. It pisses me off and worsen when you're the one who initiated the kiss first. Advise 2: Never, ever, ever take any promise any guy made to you via social media SERIOUS. No one ever meant anything they said via those platform, they're just emotional when they are alone. Advice 3: Always give only 40% of your heart to any relationship and keep 60 to avoid this Epistle of heartbreak to Nigerianites in Damascus. 3 Likes |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by BigDawsNet: 6:52am On May 18, 2021 |
![]() Keeping searching for the Right one Is gonna show up someday... and are you a virgin?...why no sex till marriage... 1 Like |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by Michelle55: 7:13am On May 18, 2021 |
I can't really judge from your own version of the story yet until the man has said his own version, we know how one sided story feels like and you've already painted the man as a bad person. Secondly, we do not need the tribe of you guys to give advice but you mentioned that just to instigate tribal war and that's not a good move, tribes has got nothing to do with how your partner loves you. You were always on his case and he was beginning to feel suffocated already, you need to understand that some men needs time to finally let things like relationships sink in before swinging into action, anything can happen within two months. You mentioned he just got divorced, the more reason why you need to be more of a friend than a lover to him even if he's insisting on a relationship, just let him know that you would always be there for him until he's fully ready to move on. Some people's previous marriages are hell on earth and you need to understand that it might be difficult for them to cope with just anyone else until their heart is ready. You're not wrong to want things done in a certain manner but you should let him lead the way, the purpose of visiting you was forfeited when you started with the direction stuff, you should have allowed him make a mistake then you guys can share a healthy laughter about it. Afterwards, just playfully tell him to consult with you next time on direction matters if he doesn't want you guys to get lost, it's not your message that upsets people sometimes, it is how you pass the message (tone) one can pass a bad message but it will still sound melodious only if you know how to use your tone. So my question is, how did you tell him about the direction? Now to the main issue, why would a grown ass woman finds it easy to block and unblock just because you don't like how he reacts to your message? What happens to taken some days off to cool off and then revisit the topic again in a calmer mood? You made it sound like you were the Saint and he's the bad guy for breaking your heart but in the real sense, you've been the one doing the breaking up from the onset. It's time we stop playing this victim's card and face reality, instead of having a heart to heart talk you resort to blocking him and if he calls you offline, you then unblock. What the fvck is wrong with you? Which man wants to settle for a woman who isn't decisive or knows how to handle problems when it arises? You said he's divorced yet you can't give him benefits of doubts just to find his footings again around you, I'm sorry but you pushed him away without realizing it. Once you form the habit of blocking him just because you can, that's the moment you put a dent in the so called relationship. It's not how long you've stayed single that matters but how well you treat your partner in the next relationship you find yourself in. Most importantly, BE NEUTRAL AND BE YOURSELF! Never force a relationship to work, if it's meant to be trust me it would be. 7 Likes |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by samso247(m): 7:41am On May 18, 2021 |
The truth is that the man is angry, because u refused giving him punany. Imagine traveling from another city to another city to see a gal, and it's just kissing. E pain d man gahn, but he doesn't know how to go about it. Am just saying ooo 4 Likes |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by AgentGoat: 7:51am On May 18, 2021 |
since i dey this nairaland i never complain of long epistle. but this is tiresome. I think the man is angry because you didn't fuvk him ![]() Follow here follow there. I don't know how you said this to him. You might have used authoritative tune in saying this. You seem calm from your write up. But we still don't know the whole story. I don't know how some folks will agree to no sex before marriage from a 30 years old woman. No be me abeg. 1 Like |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by Magnoliaa(f): 7:52am On May 18, 2021 |
samso247: ![]() |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by Michelle55: 8:03am On May 18, 2021 |
samso247:You think all men are after sex bah? I disagree, it's not all men that are he-goats, you only think of sex if there's no other ways you can have fun with your partner. There are so many things you can do with your partner that supersedes sex, you only offer sex as a mean of having fun if you are blank and your fun vibes as a lady is dead. Know your worth and stick to it, we still have people who date without having sex in mind so I strongly disagree that sex is the cause of the breakup. Just because he travelled miles to see her does not mean he wants sex, there are women around where he lives that he can easily have sex with but he choose to take the risk of visiting her, that's a man who wants something meaningful and true. He changed for a reason and that's what I want the lady to tell us and not sell us this sob story of hers. 1 Like |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by 9japride(m): 8:14am On May 18, 2021 |
On social media, everyone is a lovely and good person but when you meet them offline they are something else. I don't take side on any one person narratives. When we finally hear from the guys side you all might then be surprised. And hope its not one of those catching cruise fiction stories just to keep the youths busy arguing unnecessarily? |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by 5ine: 8:17am On May 18, 2021 |
Madam desperate, see finish no good o, them no dey follow man up like that. If you follow me like that I go use you catch cruise. So you want to start another relationship next 10years? Lol I'm sure you will still repeat same mistake. Better go learn tips on how to treat a man so he can want and love you more. ![]() Moreover, that man is not for you and can never be for you! 2 Likes |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by Nobody: 8:18am On May 18, 2021 |
Please where do broken hearts go? Those advising her to wait for the right man,hope you know she's 35 already? Okay na |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by Jesterinjay: 8:24am On May 18, 2021 |
He said he was willing to fall in love with u na where the problem start ![]() 1 Like |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by CheedyJ(m): 8:29am On May 18, 2021 |
your Side of d story ,I’m sure he has his own account too |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by Jamesbiodun(m): 8:29am On May 18, 2021 |
cryingeyes:sorry ,but you haven't date for 6month that you said you will be single for another 10years, you are still in your mid 30, you have a long way to go, You will surely find your man at the right time 3 Likes |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by femi4: 8:34am On May 18, 2021 |
cryingeyes: |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by Clinghton: 8:34am On May 18, 2021 |
Sorry for the unappreciated efforts, it's quite obvious that he doesn't suit your type. Don't expect the perfect man to come, but bear it in mind that he would come when you least expect. 2 Likes |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by Jmarjr(m): 8:39am On May 18, 2021 |
Three things that breaks a relationship.
Love
sex
money. An i think the problem here is sex.
@Op send me a mail i think i can help. |
Re: Heartbroken. Did I Do Anything Wrong? by Nobody: 9:01am On May 18, 2021 |
If he is violent for example, will you also say its your fault? You should understand that when people treats you bad, lacks integrity and two-faced, it is not because you did something wrong, but because you're just finding out a part of them you never knew existed. Time would have revealed this naturally to you, but because you jumped straight into a relationship without starting out as friends first, you've became emotionally invested and left shattered. Also, some red flags that you should have detected was to find out why his ex wife divorced and returned his bride price, that's one hell of a bad sign. Returned bride price ? Wow. It's obvious you did everything within your power to be a good woman, but even if you're the most delicious apple in the world, some people will not appreciate or even like apple. You just have to be patience with new relationship and don't jump into one quickly. Lastly, be aware that one of your weakest state, especially for a woman is when she is in love. Youll be vulnerable, flexible in your boundaries, and assume the person is what a good partner should be, instead of see them for what they truly are. This is known as the "halo effect", which means that when we like something/someone, we always think them to be good and have the best of intentions. Unless you're desperate, you should become friends first, before progressing to a romantic relationship. Of course you can be friends for a month first, but the intensity of friendship matters, so you can know him well. Other than this, take heart. He doesn't deserve you. 5 Likes |
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