9

VintageCocktail:
The only thing the OP needed from the write-up was a nice vacation. An opportunity to be away from the bustling to relax and unwind for at least 6 weeks.
She never had any for 13 years. It would have changed a lot of things but being Africans, we like sufferhead and it has caused both you and your husband a relatively stable marriage.

Other women should take heed, when it becomes overwhelming instead of bickering and tantrum, request for a vacation. Visit your families without the kids. Go somewhere nice and sightsee.

Nigerian couples no dey reason vacations at all...I mean mention that to them, what you will hear is in this buhari time?

I wonder if it was yaradua's era or the weak Tinubu time ahead..

There are affordable and serene places couples can go and spend days together...just be free a bit in their own world..Give the body and brain a treat.

Anyway, i forgot it is only for couples who see themselves first, before the kids...And not like the ones who claim the kid is theirs, leaving me to wonder if the other partner donated sperm or eggs..

Ndi woke

Munzy14:

Hmmm!!! My brother lets not go there, mothers have their special places in the heart of every member of the family including her hubby..

As long their is life, mothers enjoy more...I mean we shouldn't argue this..

It enjoyment embedded in the fruit of their labour in a marriage that worked.

Minus our woke generation of sisters who lie to themselves online, Every correct decent and intelligent woman knows she has more to gain as a natural binder in the marital institution.

This is not about arguments.

"Enjoying in life" is different from "enjoying in marriages".

Your perspective is saying that "women" enjoys most in marriage and I said no, generally women enjoys most in life not in marriage.

Your distinction should be "mothers enjoys at the later stage of their life due to their children". Which is predominantly accepted.

As an academic, it is good to make this distinction for clarity.

Munzy14:
9

Nigerian couples no dey reason vacations at all...I mean mention that to them, what you will hear is in this buhari time?

I wonder if it was yaradua's era or the weak Tinubu time ahead..

There are affordable and serene places couples can go and spend days together...just be free a bit in their own world..Give the body and brain a treat.

Anyway, i forgot it is only for couples who see themselves first, before the kids...And not like the ones who claim the kid is theirs, leaving me to wonder if the other partner donated sperm or eggs..

Ndi woke

Quite sad and we will keep loosing marriages.

Everybody has a breaking point and if care is not taken, boom....the marriage goes and spectators applauds maniacally as always

VintageCocktail:
This is not about arguments.

"Enjoying in life" is different from "enjoying in marriages".

Your perspective is saying that "women" enjoys most in marriage and I said no, generally women enjoys most in life not in marriage.

Your distinction should be "mothers enjoys at the later stage of their life due to their children". Which is predominantly accepted.

As an academic, it is good to make this distinction for clarity.

Same thing twisted in seperate forms.

VintageCocktail:
Quite sad and we will keep loosing marriages.

Everybody has a breaking point and if care is not taken, boom....the marriage goes and spectators applauds maniacally as always

Two must agree, for it to work.

As man, my wife first, together we take care of the offsprings....This mentality will give a bond for life..

This will make you do things you do for love and trust.

And not feeling like a bruise alpha when it is something done out of love.

Munzy14:

No work you mentioned there, that has not been in existence even during the time of our mothers.

When people want to complain or become something else, they prepare their excuse to dish out..

The earlier we ask our parents how they harnessed their marriage, the earlier we start getting solution to most burdens...Otherwise na steady lamentations here and there.

My mom was telling us how she uses her break time in office to visit our primary schools then, to watch us learn..Get familiar with our teachers and still made it to her work..Did school run as well..Still coordinated her side hustle business she established at home....super woman.

Yes my father played his own part nicely..Two will work well if they both agree..And appreciate each other, and not one partner feeling she is doing the most..

Our indomie generation mothers be feeling like they have worked extra like a Herculean task...You people should go and interview the jet age mothers..we are not even talking about the iron and stone age mothers sef.py0nckup

Our mothers and grandmother did it gang

You have still not answered the question. Just give an insight to how a woman with a full time job should do it without any single help whatsoever. She's working on the island and lives on the mainland. And the children school on the mainland. Don't beat about the bush. Just explain.

Your mum went on her lunch break to watch you guys. Ok. So how do I go from VI to surulere or gbagada during my lunch break.

Your mum was probably working next door and didn't face this Lagos traffic. But you want to use her situation to judge today's situation. You don't sound very smart.

It's obvious you don't live in the real world. In your head, you are naively describing an ideal situation. Open your eyes and look around you! You are not in the 80s man.

Grandmeister:

Even if she copied it from quora or reddit, shyt like this dey happen for marriages today in Nigeria.

: on the norms

fxexperts:


Then you should have stayed away from marriage, since you are overwhelmed by it. Why coming into marriage to cause nuisance?

Please don't use this coconut head to marry somebody's daughter o. Because this kind of head is incapable of reasoning properly, if this is what you can come up with.

Must you work on the island.

You think when u marry, u will not sit down with ur hobby and discuss the most viable working option for yourselves.
U just carry ur bag and go to island.

No na, even if u were working on the island b4 marrage u guys must have discussed about how feasible ur job is while in marriage and make provision to make something to work out even if the pay might be lesser or get a house closer by.
This ur question is not for robots,
Its human being.
It's not 4 plus 4 just because u want to arrive at 8.

ImaIma1:


Our mothers and grandmother did it gang

You have still not answered the question. Just give an insight to how a woman with a full time job should do it without any single help whatsoever. She's working on the island and lives on the mainland. And the children school on the mainland. Don't beat about the bush. Just explain.

Your mum went on her lunch break to watch you guys. Ok. So how do I go from VI to surulere or gbagada during my lunch break.

Your mum was probably working next door and didn't face this Lagos traffic. But you want to use her situation to judge today's situation. You don't sound very smart.

It's obvious you don't live in the real world. In your head, you are naively describing an ideal situation. Open your eyes and look around you! You are not in the 80s man.

Lush100:
Must you work on the island.

You think when u marry, u will not sit down with ur hobby and discuss the most viable working option for yourselves.
U just carry ur bag and go to island.

No na, even if u were working on the island b4 marrage u guys must have discussed about how feasible ur job is while in marriage and make provision to make something to work out even if the pay might be lesser or get a house closer by.
This ur question is not for robots,
Its human being.
It's not 4 plus 4 just because u want to arrive at 8.

Oga I work in VI and live on the mainland. I have two kids, so I am not speaking hypothetically like most people here do. I am talking of real life situation in Lagos in 2021.

Most job opportunities are on the island. And I have been working since I left high school. It's not easy for someone like that to just quit. I married someone who didn't see it as a problem like most of you guys on this forum.

The question was not for you but you jumped in. It's for the person whose mother did it. If he can help me explain instead of using his mother's situation of the 80s to now.

Grandmeister:

Look well! She actually highlighted her faults but was too dimwitted to even realise it! And the ladies commenting here didn't even pick it up(which isn't surprising).
1. She said she lost jobs on multiple occasions but didn't say why....because she couldn't find anyone else but herself to blame.
2. She said her husband gave her 25% of the money she used in purchasing the washing machine and she still didn't do his laundry.
3. She blamed her husband for not wanting a house help in his home.
4. A house wife (which is an honorable position) complaining of doing school runs for HER offsprings.

she lost her job was that part of why the family scarttered? Or the man paying for washing machine the only good thing the man did.. what do u need a house help for wen ur wife is not working... Tomorrow now she will accuse the man of doing One thing or the other..
Truth be told .... From her story, it's enough to say she is depressed and she might be suffocating the man or transferring aggression.. wo.. what am I even saying...

Madam,
1, I never saw ur working in the island as a problem
2. You having a partner that didn't see it as a problem is all that matters.
3. It is where u are having problems in your family/marriage bcoz u work on the island that is the issue.
If u and ur hobby is cool with it, what do we want to complain about.
If ur hobby is working in borno for example and u see it as a problem, aren't u going to discuss it with him.
Aren't u going to find ways that u guys to solve the problem.
His mother probably quit the island job and took a mainland job with peace of mind and focused on her family.

ImaIma1:


Oga I work in VI and live on the mainland. I have two kids, so I am not speaking hypothetically like most people here do. I am talking of real life situation in Lagos in 2021.

Most job opportunities are on the island. And I have been working since I left high school. It's not easy for someone like that to just quit. I married someone who didn't see it as a problem like most of you guys on this forum.

The question was not for you but you jumped in. It's for the person whose mother did it. If he can help me explain instead of using his mother's situation of the 80s to now.

Farfalla:


I don't think she was complaining about taking care of her children. My understanding of her situation is that she felt overwhelmed physically and mentally.

How can she ask for a nanny, you ask? Same way a beautician at her spa wants an assistant. Same way an accountant in a corporate firm may wish to have an Accounts Assistant. Same way the Senior Librarian in an establishment wants an Assistant Librarian. Same way a Head Chef of a restaurant needs a Sous Chef. Same way a Farm Manager needs an assistant. Same way the Audit Manager requires an Audit Associate. Same way there is an Assistant Coach in a football club that already has a Coach. I could go on and on.

You're wondering why she needs a washing machine? Is a washing machine a luxury in Nigeria? Hehehe...
This is the part where I just laugh.

If you have an option of making your work lighter (even where you work), won't you prefer it? Wouldn't you prefer a software or a template that saves you time and energy at your place of work? Or in school if you're a student? Or let's assume you run a business of churning butter from milk, won't you prefer a churning machine as opposed to doing it the draconian way? Why are washing machines demonized in Nigeria anyway? This isn't the first time I've come across a moniker wailing about women who have washing machines in their homes. What's the story behind it?

If there's an option you can take to simplify your life by all means negotiate for it if it's causing no harm to any party. If you're not breaking the laws of God, nor of man. You're not causing emotional stress to anybody. You're not doing anything immoral. You just want something that can make your life simpler? Why not take it? It's just a washing machine (which she even purchased for herself). It's not that serious.

Burnout can happen to anybody, including you.

You are talking to men who believe that being a wife means sitting down for hours and using your hands to wash clothes, using grinding stone or mortar to grind pepper instead of an electric blender, using firewood instead of a gas cooker.

Their mothers did it and their grandmothers. So why shouldn't we?

It's the mindset of many men on this forum. Many of them cannot accept easy lives for women. But the truth is that, most of the ones who think this way are not married yet or they cannot afford those things, so they demonize it.

Lush100:
Madam,
1, I never saw ur working in the island as a problem
2. You having a partner that didn't see it as a problem is all that matters.
3. It is where u are having problems in your family/marriage bcoz u work on the island that is the issue.
If u and ur hobby is cool with it, what do we want to complain about.
If ur hobby is working in borno for example and u see it as a problem, aren't u going to discuss it with him.
Aren't u going to find ways that u guys to solve the problem.
His mother probably quit the island job and took a mainland job with peace of mind and focused on her family.

Who is complaining?

Someone is trying to compare olden days Nigeria with present day Nigeria as if they can be compared. And also trying to demonize someone needing help.

Most of you guys that always have the solution to all martial issues are either single or inconsiderate. Which one are you?

.

.

Klass99:


Seven blessings and 21 kisses .
You are too much, abeg chop knuckle.

7 blessings and 21 kisses to you too.

Fahdiga:
Because they have learnt their lesson and also they don't want people to see them as the cause of the divorce in the first place

They don't want to be seen as a failure especially when the ex made them feel that way hence they work extra hard.

Klass99:


Lol . Very intelligent, realistic and valid submission Ima.

I already told one other guy on this thread how on nairaland their mothers are always an exception or a super woman who did it all and did it well.

Like, who do they think they are fooling with these narratives? Is it not the same mothers of the older generation we also have? Mothers who got a lot of help from their relatives/extended family, which allowed them to work or do business, and helped them to manage the home front without drowning in responsibilities.

I am sure a lot of households had one or two aunties (usually the mother or father's sisters) living there and helping out, but when they come online it is always.....our mothers did it all!. I just taya o.

But, I admire your energy in engaging with certain mindsets here. You dey try abeg

my dear listen, what those people are saying is true ...our mothers are super women and must be praised to high heaven....me for example i tell people that my mother is my God....what our mother of old went through ...ladies of these days can't do....personal i lot my dad over 20 years ago when i was still in jss 3 then and my mother took charge became our all and train her kids and all my young siblings are done with school working and doing business...so what the poster of this post have been doing for her family is awesome and should be encourage .....she only lack help and appreciation from her husband....so please kindly encourage her ,because it a beautiful thing

Klass99:


Lol . Very intelligent, realistic and valid submission Ima.

I already told one other guy on this thread how on nairaland their mothers are always an exception or a super woman who did it all and did it well.

Like, who do they think they are fooling with these narratives? Is it not the same mothers of the older generation we also have? Mothers who got a lot of help from their relatives/extended family, which allowed them to work or do business, and helped them to manage the home front without drowning in responsibilities.

I am sure a lot of households had one or two aunties (usually the mother or father's sisters) living there and helping out, but when they come online it is always.....our mothers did it all!. I just taya o.

But, I admire your energy in engaging with certain mindsets here. You dey try abeg

Their mothers were superwomen who could be in several locations at the same time. They were omnipresent

That is the scope they will use for the women they want to suffer with them. Their mothers did it.

Babe sometimes I have their time, plus the mindset is so mind boggling. Funny thing is that I have not met such people in the real world. They must be living under rocks.

holocron:
I put it to you that this is a tissue of lies and fabrication. OP sounds like an ingrate. You are serving/working for your family and instead of appreciating the results of your good works, you are grumbling, complaining and whining. Your husband struggles to do his part in upkeeping the family, you do not appreciate his role but you complain of your own role. You purposely abandoned your family and children for a fake independence and shallow ambitions and now you are regretting. You lost your cherished family for phantom degrees, career and independence. What shall it profit a man to gain the whole world and then lose his soul?

YOU HAVE SENSE!

Most women nowadays are just extremely selfish and lazy.
The abomination that comes out of their minds and mouth is what causes so much divorce nowdays.
You will see most of them saying that taking care of their children and family as a whole is slavery and some ill say they should be paid for it. You can imagine.

This generation of women are the worst ever. They use their education and careers to destroy themselves thinking its liberation.

ImaIma1:


Their mothers were superwomen who could be in several locations at the same time. They were omnipresent

That is the scope they will use for the women they want to suffer with them. Their mothers did it.

Babe sometimes I have their time, plus the mindset is so mind boggling. Funny thing is that I have not met such people in the real world. They must be living under rocks.

You girls are just lazy nowadays. All the grammar in the world wont change that.
why you dont meet men with such mindset in real life is because men nowadays have decided not to tell you babaes anything. They just observe if youre one of these modern mindset kind of girls and decide your not for loongterm plans.
Thats why theres an all time high number of single women aging. It has nothing to do with you ladies being wiser. If anything its the foolishness of modern girls that is keeping men away from you all and causing divorces because all the things men used to ignore, and pity you ladies over, they now refuse to ignore it since you girls have decided to become worse.

Marriage is clearly not your priority... Children was, Now you have them and you don't need a man anymore. Say the truth and shame the devil...this is a different generation and we must strive to tell ourselves the truth in order to relieve ourselves the societal burden marriage places on people who don't want to be married or under any control of any sort.

Life is not hard... humans made is hard

ImaIma1:


Please don't use this coconut head to marry somebody's daughter o. Because this kind of head is incapable of reasoning properly, if this is what you can come up with.

Please don't use this fish brain to marry somebody son. you are obviously a kid who knows nothing about married, but be ranting up and down like a deranged dog.

Beze992:


And you think yours measures up?.........Let me leave you to your delusions

Your gender na Adult-Children. Yes, men are logical in reasoning and your gender are emotional in reasoning.

ImaIma1:

Their mothers did it and their grandmothers. So why shouldn't we?

The same argument a certain moniker used some time back to explain why he's afraid of modern marriages and I quote:

With the shit women do out there. Honestly, I can't cope with it. I care about my mental health.
I can't put myself in that position of men whose wife are been bleeped by another man.

If I can get a baby mama. I'm good to go. I will run away from Manipulations and all. In the way back, in the days of our mum, a woman's bragging right is she suffering with a man and building him up. Financially, Mentally and Socially.
But this Era, the women in this era's bragging right is to destroy a man. Bring in down, Financially, Mentally, Socially and Spiritually.

Honestly, I'm not ready for all this. I don't think I will be part of Marriage. I'm not sure. All this women of the days only want to get a big wedding and brag. After that, during the marriage, they go around and comb all dicks they meet on their way.

I'm sorry I can't cope. I've tried ordinary Relationship and I've seen hell. I can't do the marriage thing. It's not for everybody. Honestly.

Added: See the video i just watch on Twitter of the Twerker Janemena. Being f**cked by prince kpokpori.
Imagine a married woman.
So on and so forth. Bro, leave me. I'm not getting married.

As you can see, the man is scared of whatever mental and psychological anguish he imagines a marriage will bring him, but at the same time glorifying his mother's ability to endure "suffering" in hers.

As far as he's concerned, suffering in marriage is acceptable (in fact encouraged) as long as he's not the victim.

DrFunmisticGlow:
not just a maid, a surrogate, then a babysitter, also a driver, and someone to run errands, a counselor too.

So Single mothers and fathers around the world over who handle all those things on her own and more are what?

Hathor5:


We don't have the husband's side so I was relating to her side of the story talking about how women forget themselves too many times.
I wasn't implying that husbands don't and it doesn't mean that I condemn the husband in the story.

As usual, the only sacrifices a man will point out are monetary ones and act as if that is his blood being shed for his family. And men are still surprised that their wives are remembered more than they are in their old age.

When will men realize that money isn't everything and that selling his watch to send his daughter to school is his responsibility and not a blood sharing sacrifice?

Without the money, what does the man bring to his family?

BRATISLAVA:


As usual, the only sacrifices a man will point out are monetary ones and act as if that is his blood being shed for his family. And men are still surprised that their wives are remembered more than they are in their old age.

When will men realize that money isn't everything and that selling his watch to send his daughter to school is his responsibility and not a blood sharing sacrifice?

Typically entitlement mentality of the female gender. You are talking as if men pick money from the tree. Is it not their time and effort they put into making such money.

And at your bolded. The mother caring for the children and the household is also not a blood sacrifice, but rather is it not her responsibility. You can not go higher by trying to bring other down, it doesn't work that way.

fxexperts:


Typically entitlement mentality of the female gender. You are talking as if men pick money from the tree. Is it not their time and effort they put into making such money.

And at your bolded. The mother caring for the children and the household is also not a blood sacrifice, but rather is it not her responsibility. You can not go higher by trying to bring other down, it doesn't work that way.

I didn't read past your first line. Usual entitled male rants.

Entitlement mentality when everyone works, right?

Carry your male chauvinism elsewhere. What is special about having money and using it on your own children? Is it that only men have or make money, that money is their only contribution to the home, and yet men make such a big deal out of it? How can a man be so entitled that without money he is nothing?

Money won't buy your kids. It won't buy a happy home either.

Marriage was never build to make you happy, you design and make your marriage to be a safer and better place.....

BRATISLAVA:


I didn't read past your first line. Usual entitled male rants.

Entitlement mentality when everyone works, right?

Carry your male chauvinism elsewhere. What is special about having money and using it on your own children? Is it that only men have or make money, that money is their only contribution to the home, and yet men make such a big deal out of it? How can a man be so entitled that without money he is nothing?

Money won't buy your kids. It won't buy a happy home either.

So what can buy happiness or what special role does your female gender offer to the family. Cooking, cleaning or washing of the children cloths, And why cant the female gender see beyond that. I can hire a housemaid to do all that, nothing special about all that. You think its only mothers who play with their kids these days. I for one do play with my kids a lot, when ever i am around, and they prefer me to their mother when ever i am around.

You are forgetting father are the ones who advice's and guide the children on the right part. while mother always spoil them.