Dear Litigator,

I have been married for almost decade and I have been lonlier for a greater part of the marriage. I am practically a bachelor in my home and it’s killing.

I have tried talking to my wife to find out what’s happening but she is not talking. I have been the one mainly communicating in the marriage and had to stop when I discovered I was talking too much.

She sometimes tells me to keep quiet that I talk too much or she is simply clueless about what I am talking about.

What I mainly discussed with her then were business plans and my plans for the family which ordinarily should excite her. I have stopped this completely walahi.

There is no family time or happy moments and as long as I make enough money to pay bills,she is good.

She has been home for two years in the name of covid and does not want to do any other thing than been a full time house wife. I hate people who don’t make their own money and have to depend on others.

What if I am unable to make money today, how do we survive as a family? I asked her and she simply asked me to pray against untimely death. She has refused to take care of her looks and all my effort is in vain.

I do her shopping every year even if it’s 1st grade used clothes from Yaba. They bring it to her door step in Asaba and she makes her choice. I do buy her stuffs every now and then.

I bought 80% of her bags, footwear and clothes. If I see something nice that will look good on her, I buy it for her.

I didn’t take her shopping in 2020 due to covid but she bought some herself and this year, I gave her 30k for shopping. And 20k each for my two boys. We don’t lack food. We have all manner of food at home. What else does she want?

She has refused to come up with a business plan as I swore not to release funds for her until I see a business plan.

She wants me to simply set up another business for her and do all business thinking why she handles sales. But how will such a business grow?

I did that twice in the past, both business didn’t survive beyond two years and millions when down the drain.

She still believes she did me a favour managing the businesses that we fully catering for all her needs.

I asked her to learn hand work and she enrolled to be a fashion designer. I bought her a sewing machine and wanted her to upgrade her skills . But she has refused to upgrade to a proper international fashion school or open her own shop.

We are now total strangers and the loneliness is making me think about getting a girlfriend or quitting the marriage all together.

I want a happy home but I won’t keep pampering an ingrate who is never wrong. We only talk concerning the kids and perhaps house issues and not about us as a couple.

I don’t want to die of loneliness too. What do you advise I do?

Regards Nuru*******

Dear married Nairlanders, please let’s advise this young man. He is serious considering divorce and taking the two kids with him.

What do you think he can do to fix his home and stop being lonely.

Is it possible that the wife no longer love him and she is just using him as her ATM?

Omooooooooo
This Matter Tie Gele Ooo

Marriage in Nigeria is becoming a curse

litigator:
Dear Litigator,

¹ I have been married for almost decade and I have been lonlier for a greater part of the marriage. I am practically a bachelor in my home and it’s killing.

This is not about loneliness rather it is about marrying a mismatch. Your wife may be beautiful, curvy, religious or even from your town but she is not your match. And she doesn't want to evolve into being your match. When an ant marries an elephant, the ant must be prepared for a lifetime of loneliness.

² I have tried talking to my wife to find out what’s happening but she is not talking. I have been the one mainly communicating in the marriage and had to stop when I discovered I was talking too much.

by saying this you just disappointed those who would like to say "sit your wife down and talk to her". Sometimes they say it like the wife is a machine and can be remote controlled. However if communication isn't working then your marriage is headed for the rocks. Someone or something else must be supplying your wife's stubbornness and lack of submission. It could be your neighbor's big deek, a friend of hers with an expensive lifestyle, a relative feeding her bad advice, a toxic group of friends etc.

She sometimes tells me to keep quiet that I talk too much or she is simply clueless about what I am talking about. What I mainly discussed with her then were business plans and my plans for the family which ordinarily should excite her. I have stopped this completely walahi.

³ There is no family time or happy moments and as long as I make enough money to pay bills,she is good.

Your wife has reduced your role in the marriage to the actual role she probably needed you to fill when she married you. You are now an ATM machine and not a husband.

She has been home for two years in the name of covid and does not want to do any other thing than been a full time house wife. ⁴ I hate people who don’t make their own money and have to depend on others.

Even you sef get problem. This "my money, your money" syndrome does not apply in marriage. Your money sir as well as her money is the common wealth of the home.

What if I am unable to make money today, how do we survive as a family? I asked her and she simply asked me to pray against untimely death. ⁵ She has refused to take care of her looks and all my effort is in vain.

Oh, her looks! Her once upon a time beautiful looks. Now you see that beauty is vain.

I do her shopping every year even if it’s 1st grade used clothes from Yaba. They bring it to her door step in Asaba and she makes her choice. I do buy her stuffs every now and then.

I bought 80% of her bags, footwear and clothes. If I see something nice that will look good on her, I buy it for her.

I didn’t take her shopping in 2020 due to covid but she bought some herself and this year, I gave her 30k for shopping. And 20k each for my two boys. We don’t lack food. We have all manner of food at home. What else does she want?

She has refused to come up with a business plan as I swore not to release funds for her until I see a business plan.

She wants me to simply set up another business for her and do all business thinking why she handles sales. But how will such a business grow?

I did that twice in the past, both business didn’t survive beyond two years and millions when down the drain. She still believes she did me a favour managing the businesses that we fully catering for all her needs. I asked her to learn hand work and she enrolled to be a fashion designer and bought her a sewing machine. She has refused to upgrade to a fashion school or open her own shop.

⁶ We are now total strangers and the loneliness is making me think about getting a girlfriend or quitting the marriage all together.

Now think back to the exact day you met your wife. Try to remember the excitement you had. So all that excitement was a scam? Think back. Think about how your first contact with her body made you feel. Remember the dopamine rush? Remember how every part of your body hardened like a hardened criminal. So all that chemistry was just a scam? Remember how you proposed to her, paid bride price and did all that was required to wed your wife. So all na scam.

⁷ I want a happy home but I won’t keep pampering an ingrate who is never wrong. We only talk concerning the kids and perhaps house issues and not about us as a couple.
It is amazing how you now see her for what she really is (at least based on your confession here). Now think back to when this all started. Did you bother to probe your wife deeply before making up your mind to propose? Were you so overcome by the hormones flooding your blood that you forgot to ask "is she a match for me"? Did you bother to probe her lifelong ambitions or did you just see sweet yansh you would like to dive into? Unfortunately the yansh still dey dia but e nor dey sweet you again. Did you probe your wife intellectually and spiritually? I guess you didn't. You likely saw something visually appealing and boom you proposed. Now that you have paid school fees by wasting money, time and effort in the school of marriage have you learned your lesson now? By your confession you sound like you haven't learned anything. You are already looking out for a girlfriend that could be masking another horrible attitude that will piss you off later. Dude learn.

I don’t want to die of loneliness too. I hat do you advise I do?

Regards Nuru*******

Dear married Nairlanders, please let’s advise this young man. He is serious considering divorce and taking her two kids with him.

What do you think he can do to fix his home and stop being lonely. Is it possible that the wife no longer love him?

Dude. Tell your wife she has outlived her usefulness. Tell her you will no longer put up with her abuse and misuse of your person. Inform an elderly relative of hers about her attitude and how it is tearing your marriage apart. Put hidden cameras in your apartment. Do DNA tests for your children and keep the results secret. Stay away from home for a month (if you can afford it) to reflect, to pray, to allow your wife some space to repent or to expose herself. If it turns out she gave you another man's child, she doesn't take care of the home based on your hd cam footage or she refused to change in that one month of absence take the matter to her relatives and tell them about your desire to replace her. I would rather you pardon her and manage your marriage but if e pass you oga migrate ohh before high blood pressure finishes you off.

I'm not married yet and not best suited for giving married people advice.

However, I'm very scared about marriage by the number of trouble stories that I read daily

Very good topic....

.

To remain Married is looking like a lot of hard work.

Sometimes, I think marriage being a death till you part has made lots of partners both male and female kinda relaxed. I am sure she did not display these before marriage , only to get married and display thier true colors.

@ Op: Do your best and leave the rest ooo. Your mental health is of utmost importance. Find ppl she respects and tell them. If you die today another man fit still marry am.

Klass99:
Litigator on the beat again .This is an interesting and thought provoking topic.

I am not married but on Monday I was having a conversation with a married friend (male) he told his wife, the essence of marriage is not now but later, when they're in their 60s and all you want to do is sit down and talk with someone.

I said what you mean is companionship and he goes exactly! I was like, but why wait till your 60s? It needs to start happening now because none of us, is guaranteed 2023 sef!

The mistake a lot of us make is thinking we will always be around or we will live till our 60s, 70s or 80s. Covid has still not taught some people anything at all, we need to be present in the moment, live in the moment making the best of every moment.

I genuinely feel sorry for this story teller and others in a similar situation. Marriages in Nigeria seem to be all about children, paying bills and zero percent companionship and intimacy. Where is the fun in that?

What kind of nonsense is this? And he said it with a straight face? How did his wife respond?

Hi

.

Klass99:


Lol , long time no see, how are you?

He didn't share his wife's response or reaction to that. However judging by the entire conversation we had, he seems caught up in the regular routine typical of married couples.

The routine where focus is on hustling to pay the bills, waiting for kids to grow up and leave the nest, before they (him & wifey) can get back to their lives and the essence of marriage (as he put it)

Companionship in old age sounds good and is a sweet/wonderful thing, but it happens, only if couples live that long and already have a reasonable semblance of it, now. Your thoughts on the topic/man's situation?

I'm good. How have you been?

This sounds somehow to me. If a single person tells you that their life revolves around paying bills until they can enjoy themselves in old age, you would think they are stewpid or insane. Why do we think it is not insane to say something like this for a married person?

Whether you are married or not, you hustle and you pay bills. And there is time for enjoyment too. I don't get why anyone would think that getting married stops you from spending nice time with people you love, spouses or others. It doesn't make any sense.

Telling the husband to keep quiet because he talks too much is quite rude. It's either they didn't know develop any friendship before marriage (this is very important) or something changed to cause the wife's nonchalant and uncaring attitude towards her husband.

InTheCloudySky:
Telling the husband to keep quiet because he talks too much is quite rude. It's either they didn't know develop any friendship before marriage (this is very important) or something changed to cause the wife's nonchalant and uncaring attitude towards her husband.

And what could have changed?

Klass99:
Litigator on the beat again .This is an interesting and thought provoking topic.

I am not married but on Monday I was having a conversation with a married friend (male) he told his wife, the essence of marriage is not now but later, when they're in their 60s and all you want to do is sit down and talk with someone.

I said what you mean is companionship and he goes exactly! I was like, but why wait till your 60s? It needs to start happening now because none of us, is guaranteed 2023 sef!

The mistake a lot of us make is thinking we will always be around or we will live till our 60s, 70s or 80s. Covid has still not taught some people anything at all, we need to be present in the moment, live in the moment, making the best of every moment.

I genuinely feel sorry for this story teller and others in a similar situation. Marriages in Nigeria seem to be all about children, paying bills with zero percent companionship and intimacy. Where is the fun in that?

How are doing klassic?

Marriage should be about friendship and helping each other succeed. It kinda reminds me of two Afro-America movies I watched years back. To wit; Acrimony and The Marriage Counsellor.

In the marriage counsellor, I never blamed the married counsellor lady but blamed her husband who refused to think and grow. The woman wanted a more robust intimacy and not the ancient papa and mama things. I never saw anything wrong in asking her husband to spice up their sex life in the marriage.

In Acrimony, I never agreed with Mr. Perry’s position that the man was at fault.

To me, it’s not enough to support a man at the earliest stage and expect to be entitled for the rest of the journey.

As long as she never believed in the man and his battery business, she had no right to complain.

The white woman believed in him and helped him succeed. And this is my understanding of marriage. Helping each other succeed and not waiting for one party to succeed and become the family ATM card.

I simply define marriage as union where both partners are in a partnership to help each other and the family as a whole succeed.

But reverse seems to be the case in Nigeria. If a lady supports you when you had nothing, she feels entitled to you as man for the rest of her life without bring more to the table.

If you like buy her a house of her own as compensation, she will still feel you owe her your life and try playing God. Kilode nah?

I guess it’s the same reason they expect the man to take care of the kids and raise them properly so she will have someone to take care of her at old age.

Hathor5:


I'm good. How have you been?

This sounds somehow to me. If a single person tells you that their life revolves around paying bills until they can enjoy themselves in old age, you would think they are stewpid or insane. Why do we think it is not insane to say something like this for a married person?

Whether you are married or not, you hustle and you pay bills. And there is time for enjoyment too. I don't get why anyone would think that getting married stops you from spending nice time with people you love, spouses or others. It doesn't make any sense.

Which companionship at old age?

The same woman that will be jumping from one omuguo to another?

Loneliness will kill such a man. The friendship won’t suddenly fall from the sky at old age. If it’s not there now, it won’t be there at old age.

It’s that simple.

.

The average Nigerian is pro-marriage and anti-divorce. Forget what we write online, divorce is not what many would want to do when faced with it. The consequence of this is that Nigerian spouses could be very shitty because they know divorce is not an option the other half would take easily. They continue to hold the title of being married while you die slowly from tolerating their excesses.

There is nothing happening today that didn’t happen before. All this public outcry is because men are beginning to feel how it is to be the victim. Now you all can see “ignore him and face your kids” is a mentally draining way to live one's life while remaining married to a partner that is or was supposed to make life easier for you. If I wanted to face my kids, I would be a single mother or a widow.

I love marriage, I love love and I love partnership. I would do my best to make him happy, but if he gets to realize this and all he can do with it is make me lose my mind- I promise I would not remain with him. That is just me, I am nothing but a feminist. The man in the story might be more virtuous than I am. So I wish them more years together.

Klass99:


I'm doing good, you?

I've never seen The Marriage Counsellor, but I have seen Acrimony and I strongly disagree with you on the bolded. She supported that man's dream for years, stood by him year after year, putting her finances/inheritance into his dreams, fighting with her sisters because of him and all this while she had a hysterectomy by accident because of him and she could never have children. For goodness sake, how much longer was she supposed to continue doing all of this?

His wife believed in him and enabled him to succeed, unfortunately success never happened in all the time she was there, but it did with someone else and you still blame her for not believing in him or helping him succeed? How do you describe everything she did, prior to their divorce? Guy, no dey fall my hand like this nah! I didn't like that movie at all and it remains one of my worse Tyler Perry's movies ever. I agree with helping a partner to succeed (which she did) but abeg, there comes a time when we have to cut our loses and move on. All he did was continuously drain her emotionally, financially and mentally, giving nothing back in return! The same way you men don't like liabilities, is how we don't like them too.

I will be back. Lemme go and see the movie again. But from what you said, will one be awarded a medal if he/she starts a race but didn’t end it?

As a bible student, I believe the Bible did allude to the fact that the crown is for he who endures till the end. Init?

litigator:



Which companionship at old age?

The same woman that will be jumping from one omuguo to another?

Loneliness will kill such a man. The friendship won’t suddenly fall from the sky at old age. If it’s not there now, it won’t be there at old age.

It’s that simple.

Are you sure you quoted the right person because I don't understand how this your comment relates to mine?

pocohantas:
The average Nigerian is anti-divorce. Forget what we write online, it is not what many would want to do when faced with it. The consequence of this is that Nigerian spouses could be very shitty because they know divorce is not an option the other half would take easily. They continue to hold the title of being married, while you die slowly from tolerating their excesses.

There is nothing happening today that didn’t happen before. All this public outcry is because men are beginning to feel how it is to be the victim. Now you all can see “ignore him and face your kids” is a mentally draining way to live one's life while remaining married to a partner that is or was supposed to make life easier for you.

I love marriage, I love love and I love partnership, but I would never remain with a man that makes me lose my mind. That is just me, I am nothing but a feminist. He might be more virtuous than I am. So I wish them more years together.

She have vex

-

litigator:



She have vex

Lol. You be my oga na. How I go vex for you?

.

litigator:


I will be back. Lemme go and see the movie again. But from what you said, will one be awarded a medal if he/she starts a race but didn’t end it?

As a bible student, I believe the Bible did allude to the fact that the crown is for he who endures till the end. Init?

I also agree with klass about the Acrimony movie. And Melinda did not ask him to abandon his Dream. She wanted him to get something doing, to support their family, while working on his dream.

Same way this man wants his wife to get a job/skill to enable them survive as a family if he is unable to make money in future.

I don't seems to get what you mean by this comment also;

I guess it’s the same reason they expect the man to take care of the kids and raise them properly so she will have someone to take care of her at old age.

Acrimony was the BOMB then. Argument here and there on campus about the movie then

Micielito:


I also agree with klass about the Acrimony movie. And Melinda did not ask him to abandon his Dream. She wanted him to get something doing, to support their family, while working on his dream.

Same way this man wants his wife to get a job/skill to enable them survive as a family if he is unable to make money in future.

I don't seems to get what you mean by this comment also;

I guess it’s the same reason they expect the man to take care of the kids and raise them properly so she will have someone to take care of her at old age.

Acrimony was the BOMB then. Argument here and there on campus about the movie then

The truth is not even the man not making more money in the future but for now. Imagine her making a certain amount of money no matter how small, the man can at least have this genuine rest even if it still means going to work everyday but the feeling of being relaxed will be there that he is not killing himself for the survival of a woman who was suppose to be a helper that will relief him of some small issues at home. He can even plan family outing but the woman might not appreciate cos she has not been under pressure like the man, but if both have been in the hustle race, they will both be looking for ward to such outing or a relaxing activity from the hustle and bustle of life,which will in turn improve the companionship the husband is badly missing.

Threads like this are to be bookmarked and followed to show prospective partners for single folks like us.

.

Klass99:


I'm doing good, you?

I've never seen The Marriage Counsellor, but I have seen Acrimony and I strongly disagree with you on the bolded. She supported that man's dream for years, stood by him year after year, putting her finances/inheritance into his dreams, fighting with her sisters because of him and all this while she had a hysterectomy by accident because of him and she could never have children. For goodness sake, how much longer was she supposed to continue doing all of this?

His wife believed in him and enabled him to succeed, unfortunately success never happened in all the time she was there, but it did with someone else and you still blame her for not believing in him or helping him succeed? How do you describe everything she did, prior to their divorce? Guy, no dey fall my hand like this nah! I didn't like that movie at all and it remains one of my worse Tyler Perry's movies ever. I agree with helping a partner to succeed (which she did) but abeg, there comes a time when we have to cut our loses and move on. All he did was continuously drain her emotionally, financially and mentally, giving nothing back in return! The same way you men don't like liabilities, is how we don't like them too.

About Acrimony.

To be fair the movie was great, although I see a lot of women very upset about the movie because It paints a real life picture of what happens in the real world, the world is cruel and unfair and be it as it may, we still have to face it and survive. Shit happens.

I blame the man the most, not for cheating or going with the other woman but for staying so long on a business that never works. In Nigeria, once an Igbo man invests in an Idea, Invention or business for 2 years and it doesn't yield fruit, he will close it down and start another one. Na so life suppose be.

Even Buhari the most useless president in the history of humans was smarter than this man, He moved from ANPP in 2011 to CPC, then from CPC to APC in 2015. Imagine if he had stayed in ANPP? he would died from his sickness.

Bottom line is you have to pivot and keep trying out ideas till one works, not staying on it for 18 years waiting for Ex-crush of yours to bail you out.

litigator:
And what could have changed?

Depression maybe. The story you tell of the woman not wanting to engage much, his having to do her shopping for her, her not taking great care about her looks anymore, her giving up on doing much even in her marriage.. and also not wanting to really engage him much in conversations.. all of them possible signs of depression.

The couple might benefit from some serious professional counseling and mental health therapy.

Smile4mee01:
@ Op: Do your best and leave the rest ooo. Your mental health is of utmost importance. Find ppl she respects and tell them. If you die today another man fit still marry am.

Why? Because shaming your wife and partner, an adult such as yourself, is the way to get communication back on track in a marriage?

.

Klass99:


Great movie ke! Don't make me stone you through my system.
It wasn't a bad movie but the long suffering, good wife character, Taraji P was casted as, seemed too much and unrealistic.
@ The bolded, you cannot even blame the woman in that movie.
The thread is not about Acrimony, share your thoughts on the topic.

It is not unrealistic, It is what happens in some marriages that he showed us. Women are used to fairy tales from novels, movies and happy endings that's why they are surprised to witness such a different expectation from this marriage thing. This long suffering, didn't our parents do it? Not this bad but some of them experienced long suffering.

I don't have anything to say about this topic, I quoted you because you mentioned Tyler Perry, abeg I like the man and the movie was great.

In short besttttt movie everrrr.

pocohantas:
The average Nigerian is pro-marriage and anti-divorce. Forget what we write online, divorce is not what many would want to do when faced with it. The consequence of this is that Nigerian spouses could be very shitty because they know divorce is not an option the other half would take easily. They continue to hold the title of being married while you die slowly from tolerating their excesses.

There is nothing happening today that didn’t happen before. All this public outcry is because men are beginning to feel how it is to be the victim. Now you all can see “ignore him and face your kids” is a mentally draining way to live one's life while remaining married to a partner that is or was supposed to make life easier for you. If I wanted to face my kids, I would be a single mother or a widow.

I love marriage, I love love and I love partnership. I would do my best to make him happy, but if he gets to realize this and all he can do with it is make me lose my mind- I promise I would not remain with him. That is just me, I am nothing but a feminist. The man in the story might be more virtuous than I am. So I wish them more years together.

I share your opinion 100%.
Also, if I might chip in, I will also blame recent technologies and social medias. People want to be on social medias , TV and their phones all day long rather communicate with their partners. That is why I turn off the tv a lot of the time and encourage my family members to learn to communicate with each other. I have seen husband back from work and the wife is on social medias for the next three hours. communication is lost and loneliness is on the increase.