I really need advice on this issue as its really giving me major concerns.

Its about my sister inlaw. She has been living with us since i had my baby over a year ago. She has really been helpful. Takes my baby as her own. Takes very good care of her. Even with other chores in the house too, she has really been helpful. And i really appreciate that. Now here is my concern.

She is over 30yrs and is not doing anything. Not working, no handwork, just staying at home. And her family seems unconcerned about it. I spoke with my husband he seems unbothered like the rest of them. Because each time the concern is raised, it is just dismissed which i find really weird.

So i had to summon courage to speak with her. I was shocked at my findings. Initially she refused to open up, saying i was going to mock her like everyone else. I told her no, i will never do that.

She feels she is not smart at all. That she cant learn anything, be it book or handwork. She tried learning hairdressing in the past but stopped because she felt she wasnt picking up fast. Mind you, she has been the one making my baby's hair for over a year and she does a good job. She made her people believe it had to do with some health issues which isnt true. She said she cant go to school because she is also not book smart. I really felt so bad after talking to her.

She said she is worse that everyone else. That me, i am educated, married with a child and have the perfect life (if only she knew). I really want to help, with or without my husband. Cause he too is like the rest of his family, just surface discussions making her feel like nobody cares.

How can i help her? I genuinely wish she could change this stupid negative mindset. Apart from this, i will still give her financial/moral support but i still feel the major issue is the self esteem. I told her she should never look down on herself. She is very smart and hardworking. So i dont know how she let this negativity get this bad. I told her to think of something she can do from now till month end. I will speak with my husband and he has to assist. But like i said, this one is not the major issue.

Is it possible to get professional help for her? How can i help her? What can i do? I've been feeling really bad all day. Initially she felt i wanted her to leave my house but no thats not true. She's older than i am and i found it strange that she had to depend on people for every single thing. Its so wrong.

GET PROFESSION HELP. GOOGLE IS A GREAT RESOURCE.

It's obvious you have a good heart.I appreciate you for that.Back to your question,i'll advice you to talk to her more to see if she is actually ambitious.If she shows strong will,then get her engaged.You can go on youtube& download various videos pertaining skill sets like hairdressing, tailoring, catering,e.t.c. &make her watch. In the end,ask her which skill she has more passion for and then carry on from there.Pls,do not enroll her yet in a vocational school until she shows the zeal so as not to make bad investment and also recieve backlash from your husband.

If it's that making of hair, let her start with the kids in your area by making their hair for free.

HUSTLER001:
It's obvious you have a good heart.I appreciate you for that.Back to your question,i'll advice you to talk to her more to see if she is actually ambitious.If she shows strong will,then get her engaged.You can go on youtube& download various videos pertaining skill sets like hairdressing, tailoring, catering,e.t.c. &make her watch. In the end,ask her which skill she has more passion for and then carry on from there.Pls,do not enroll her yet in a vocational school until she shows the zeal so as not to make bad investment and also recieve backlash from your husband.

She feels she cant learn even if she tried. That she doesn't have the brain to learn. She was learning hairdressing in the past but she quit. I asked her if she wanted to go back to it, she said she's too old to be learning work. She is just 31. My husband will only help if she comes up with something but she is not even ready to. He says she is an adult and should be able to know what is right. Says he will ask her to go back to the parents' place if she doesnt get busy. Me, i dont even want her to go. Cause its not a solution

There must be something she love doing .. all she need is motivation inspiration.. going places and socializing.

Let her see anyhuman she thinks she better than...

Grow her confidence

Asgard73:
There must be something she love doing .. all she need is motivation inspiration.. going places and socializing.

Let her see anyhuman she thinks she better than...

Grow her confidence

Since i have known her, i have never seen anyone she calls her friend. She hardly interacts with people. These days, if she gets bored at home, she will go and pick my baby from school to play with. Zero social life

PINKJET:


She feels she cant learn even if she tried. That she doesn't have the brain to learn. She was learning hairdressing in the past but she quit. I asked her if she wanted to go back to it, she said she's too old to be learning work. She is just 31

Like earlier suggested, download several YouTube videos on hairdressing, tailoring, catering,e.t.c and give to her to watch, unconsciously she would begin to lean towards one of them and it would begin to occupy her thoughts, then download more videos on what she now has interest in, especially videos done by people in their 30s and above.

Romanoff:
If it's that making of hair, let her start with the kids in your area by making their hair for free.

Initially i felt getting something to do was the problem but after speaking with her, i realized it was far from it. She lacks confidence

PINKJET:


Since i have known her, i have never seen anyone she calls her friend. She hardly interacts with people. These days, if she gets bored at home, she will go and pick my baby from school to play with. Zero social life

Reason I said you help her grow her confidence..
Keep talking to her.. motivate her .. ginger her.. go out with her .. involve her .. mean socialize her .. take her to places .. sight see .. involve her in discussions when with other people .. seek her views on somethings .. you already know..

Grow her confidence

Asgard73:


Reason I said you help her grow her confidence..
Keep talking to her.. motivate her .. ginger her.. go out with her .. involve her .. mean socialize her .. take her to places .. sight see .. involve her in discussions when with other people .. seek her views on somethings .. you already know..

Grow her confidence

Thanks a lot. I will really put in my best for her. She is like my own sister, so its my obligation to help her get through this phase. Thank you so much

PINKJET:


Initially i felt getting something to do was the problem but after speaking with her, i realized it was far from it. She lacks confidence

If she can develop confidence in what she doesn't, it will be a step in the right direction.

PINKJET:


Thanks a lot. I will really put in my best for her. She is like my own sister, so its my obligation to help her get through this phase. Thank you so much

You welcome .

God bless you more.

Maybe you can consider business for her

PINKJET:
Is it possible to get professional help for her? How can i help her? What can i do? I've been feeling really bad all day. Initially she felt i wanted her to leave my house but no thats not true. She's older than i am and i found it strange that she had to depend on people for every single thing. Its so wrong.

What you can do is convince her to see a mental health counselor and try to make her go for every visit until she begins to see results to improve her quality of life.

PINKJET:
She feels she cant learn even if she tried. That she doesn't have the brain to learn. She was learning hairdressing in the past but she quit. I asked her if she wanted to go back to it, she said she's too old to be learning work. She is just 31. My husband will only help if she comes up with something but she is not even ready to. He says she is an adult and should be able to know what is right. Says he will ask her to go back to the parents' place if she doesnt get busy. Me, i dont even want her to go. Cause its not a solution

Sounds like she is dealing with persistent depression and best you can do for her at this time is find her a good mental health therapist to help resolve her problem or guide her ti where she can come up from where she has been buried for so long.

PINKJET:
Thanks a lot. I will really put in my best for her. She is like my own sister, so its my obligation to help her get through this phase. Thank you so much

It's a phase? I thought you stated that she has been the same for a long time?

@PINKJET

I admire that you’re trying to help your sister-in-law. The approach that you take on this will determine how well it goes. There are a few things I want you to be aware of.

First, I think it would be best to start with a medical and psychological evaluation, to really understand if she has some unknown condition that impacts her learning and self confidence. For example, it’s difficult to diagnose conditions like dyscalculia, dyslexia, autism and even depression in a country like Nigeria where everyone is expected to be smart the same way and everyone is judged without support systems in place. Please understand that not all men were created the same. If she thinks she has a problem, maybe she does, and doesn’t open up to anyone because she doesn’t want to be judged, you never know.

Second, if everything goes well with her medical/psychological evaluation, she needs to discover herself. One way of doing so is to understand her personality type. Myers and Briggs did a fascinating job at creating 16 personality types and we all fall into one of them. There are many websites using this model, but you can try https://www.truity.com/test/type-finder-personality-test-new with her. This will help her understand who she is better and discover what she is capable of.

Finally, no matter what happens, offer her love and support and give her the space to be ready for a change. Don’t push her to succeed faster than she’s ready to go. Some people collapse under pressure while some excel with it. Assure her that help is available whenever she’s ready and needs it, and love and care for her like you’re already doing.

All the best

socialmediaman:
@PINKJET

I admire that you’re trying to help your sister-in-law. The approach that you take on this will determine how well it goes. There are a few things I want you to be aware of.

First, I think it would be best to start with a medical and psychological evaluation, to really understand if she has some unknown condition that impacts her learning and self confidence. For example, it’s difficult to diagnose conditions like dyscalculia, dyslexia, autism and even depression in a country like Nigeria where everyone is expected to be smart the same way and everyone is judged without support systems in place. Please understand that not all men were created the same. If she thinks she has a problem, maybe she does, and doesn’t open up to anyone because she doesn’t want to be judged, you never know.

Second, if everything goes well with her medical/psychological evaluation, she needs to discover herself. One way of doing so is to understand her personality type. Myers and Briggs did a fascinating job at creating 16 personality types and we all fall into one of them. There are many websites using this model, but you can try https://www.truity.com/test/type-finder-personality-test-new with her. This will help her understand who she is better and discover what she is capable of.

Finally, no matter what happens, offer her love and support and give her the space to be ready for a change. Don’t push her to succeed faster than she’s ready to go. Some people collapse under pressure while some excel with it. Assure her that help is available whenever she’s ready and needs it, and love and care for her like you’re already doing.

All the best

Thank you so much. I feel she's dealing with depression. The little while we have lived together, i didn't notice any difficulty in learning. I'm not putting her under pressure. And at the same time, i dont want her to leave my house. Cause my husband already said it severally that she has to go back to the parents cause he feels she is just not serious. Her family doesn't even understand her at all.

Kobojunkie:
It's a phase? I thought you stated that she has been the same for a long time?

Yes i believe its a phase and it will pass by God's grace

Kobojunkie:
Sounds like she is dealing with persistent depression and best you can do for her at this time is find her a good mental health therapist to help resolve her problem or guide her ti where she can come up from where she has been buried for so long.

Thank you. Yes you are very correct. Please can you recommend any or something. I really dont know where to find one.

PINKJET:
Yes i believe its a phase and it will pass by God's grace

Please keep God's name and mention out of it abeg. The last thing that gal needs is someone to patronize her in the name of God abeg. The condition you described has yet to pass and she is, according to you, 31. When do you think what you call God's grace will finally arrive to save her from it?

PINKJET:


Thank you so much. I feel she's dealing with depression. The little while we have lived together, i didn't notice any difficulty in learning. I'm not putting her under pressure. And at the same time, i dont want her to leave my house. Cause my husband already said it severally that she has to go back to the parents cause he feels she is just not serious. Her family doesn't even understand her at all.

You're welcome. Glad to know you're not pushing her. I mentioned that earlier because you told her to think of something from now till month end. I don't know if she's there yet. She needs to come up with that timeline else she'll be under so much pressure to live up to your expectations of her, and you know she's already afraid to fail and doesn't believe in herself.

I still recommend some form of evaluation with a professional, as a first step. Depression could be the effect of something else, like ADHD. These are some effects of ADHD and I bolded some things that stand out from your story, copied from https://www.pineyridge.net/adhd/causes-effects-symptoms/

- Social isolation
- Decreased scholastic and job performance
- Inability to form lasting bonds with others
- Dropping out of school
- Teen pregnancy
- Motor vehicle accidents
- Increased risk-taking behaviors
- Depression
- Conduct disorder
- Family disruption and stress
- Delinquency
- Risks for accidental injuries
- Substance abuse
- Antisocial personality disorder

PINKJET:
Thank you. Yes you are very correct. Please can you recommend any or something. I really dont know where to find one.

I am afraid I don't have any information on mental health practitioners in Nigeria at all.

You can maybe start by indicating state and town so those who have access to such information can maybe provide you with details on where to begin.

socialmediaman:

You're welcome. Glad to know you're not pushing her. I mentioned that earlier because you told her to think of something from now till month end. I don't know if she's there yet. She needs to come up with that timeline else she'll be under so much pressure to live up to your expectations of her, and you know she's already afraid to fail and doesn't believe in herself.

I still recommend some form of evaluation with a professional, as a first step. Depression could be the effect of something else, like ADHD. These are some effects of ADHD, copied from https://www.pineyridge.net/adhd/causes-effects-symptoms/

- Social isolation
- Decreased scholastic and job performance
- Inability to form lasting bonds with others
- Dropping out of school
- Teen pregnancy
- Motor vehicle accidents
- Increased risk-taking behaviors
- Depression
- Conduct disorder
- Family disruption and stress
- Delinquency
- Risks for accidental injuries
- Substance abuse
- Antisocial personality disorder

This ain't anything like ADHD

For one, the OP describes her being able to pay close attention to the baby , and neatly braid baby's hair, what is a feat for ADHD sufferers.

PINKJET:
I really need advice on this issue as its really giving me major concerns.

Its about my sister inlaw. She has been living with us since i had my baby over a year ago. She has really been helpful. Takes my baby as her own. Takes very good care of her. Even with other chores in the house too, she has really been helpful. And i really appreciate that. Now here is my concern.

She is over 30yrs and is not doing anything. Not working, no handwork, just staying at home. And her family seems unconcerned about it. I spoke with my husband he seems unbothered like the rest of them. Because each time the concern is raised, it is just dismissed which i find really weird.

So i had to summon courage to speak with her. I was shocked at my findings. Initially she refused to open up, saying i was going to mock her like everyone else. I told her no, i will never do that.

She feels she is not smart at all. That she cant learn anything, be it book or handwork. She tried learning hairdressing in the past but stopped because she felt she wasnt picking up fast. Mind you, she has been the one making my baby's hair for over a year and she does a good job. She made her people believe it had to do with some health issues which isnt true. She said she cant go to school because she is also not book smart. I really felt so bad after talking to her.

She said she is worse that everyone else. That me, i am educated, married with a child and have the perfect life (if only she knew). I really want to help, with or without my husband. Cause he too is like the rest of his family, just surface discussions making her feel like nobody cares.

How can i help her? I genuinely wish she could change this stupid negative mindset. Apart from this, i will still give her financial/moral support but i still feel the major issue is the self esteem. I told her she should never look down on herself. She is very smart and hardworking. So i dont know how she let this negativity get this bad. I told her to think of something she can do from now till month end. I will speak with my husband and he has to assist. But like i said, this one is not the major issue.

Is it possible to get professional help for her? How can i help her? What can i do? I've been feeling really bad all day. Initially she felt i wanted her to leave my house but no thats not true. She's older than i am and i found it strange that she had to depend on people for every single thing. Its so wrong.

Let her try other skill like the hair dressing she is good at.

Kobojunkie:
This ain't anything like ADHD

For one, the OP describes her being able to pay close attention to the baby , and neatly braid baby's hair, what is a feat for ADHD sufferers.

OP also mentioned social isolation and being unable to learn anything, book or handiwork. She dropped out of hairdressing. People who suffer ADHD also do some things well. Richard Branson, Will Smith, Michael Phelps, Howie Mandel, Adam Levine, Simone Biles all had ADHD and they had successful careers. ADHD manifests differently in different people.

socialmediaman:
OP also mentioned social isolation and being unable to learn anything, book or handiwork. She dropped out of hairdressing. People who suffer ADHD also do some things well. Richard Branson, Will Smith, Michael Phelps, Howie Mandel, Adam Levine, Simone Biles all had ADHD and they had successful careers. ADHD manifests differently in different people.

Those are also symptoms of depression which is what she seems to exhibit more of.

PINKJET:
I really need advice on this issue as its really giving me major concerns.

Its about my sister inlaw. She has been living with us since i had my baby over a year ago. She has really been helpful. Takes my baby as her own. Takes very good care of her. Even with other chores in the house too, she has really been helpful. And i really appreciate that. Now here is my concern.

She is over 30yrs and is not doing anything. Not working, no handwork, just staying at home. And her family seems unconcerned about it. I spoke with my husband he seems unbothered like the rest of them. Because each time the concern is raised, it is just dismissed which i find really weird.

So i had to summon courage to speak with her. I was shocked at my findings. Initially she refused to open up, saying i was going to mock her like everyone else. I told her no, i will never do that.

She feels she is not smart at all. That she cant learn anything, be it book or handwork. She tried learning hairdressing in the past but stopped because she felt she wasnt picking up fast. Mind you, she has been the one making my baby's hair for over a year and she does a good job. She made her people believe it had to do with some health issues which isnt true. She said she cant go to school because she is also not book smart. I really felt so bad after talking to her.

She said she is worse that everyone else. That me, i am educated, married with a child and have the perfect life (if only she knew). I really want to help, with or without my husband. Cause he too is like the rest of his family, just surface discussions making her feel like nobody cares.

How can i help her? I genuinely wish she could change this stupid negative mindset. Apart from this, i will still give her financial/moral support but i still feel the major issue is the self esteem. I told her she should never look down on herself. She is very smart and hardworking. So i dont know how she let this negativity get this bad. I told her to think of something she can do from now till month end. I will speak with my husband and he has to assist. But like i said, this one is not the major issue.

Is it possible to get professional help for her? How can i help her? What can i do? I've been feeling really bad all day. Initially she felt i wanted her to leave my house but no thats not true. She's older than i am and i found it strange that she had to depend on people for every single thing. Its so wrong.

Op, let her be. I am similar to her.
There are minimum requirements to every skill. I have looked at every
Handiwork and there is always a key component needed that I am missing.

Mamayam:
Op, let her be. I am similar to her.
There are minimum requirements to every skill. I have looked at every Handiwork and there is always a key component needed that I am missing.

Can you please be specific abeg! What have you in fact tried and failed at and please tell us what it is that you were missing?

Mamayam:


Op, let her be. I am similar to her.
There are minimum requirements to every skill. I have looked at every
Handiwork and there is always a key component needed that I am missing.

Ah, I'm afraid i can't. The little things i see her do, she does so well. She is just scared. She tries to distract herself by either getting occupied with the baby or she will look for house chore to do. She doesn't even let me wash even my own clothes anymore, once she finds it lying around, its washed. I practically do only the cooking cause she wont even let me do any work.

So you can't tell me she is good at nothing naturally. That is so not true. She is just scared of failing and that fear is what she needs to overcome. And i cannot just ignore wothout even trying.

PINKJET:
Ah, I'm afraid i can't. The little things i see her do, she does so well. She is just scared. She tries to distract herself by either getting occupied with the baby or she will look for house chore to do. She doesn't even let me wash even my own clothes anymore, once she finds it lying around, its washed. I practically do only the cooking cause she wont even let me do any work.

I am almost 100% the woman you describe there does not have ADHD, but she does need to see a mental health professional.