(More like fifty shades of cringe)

Hollywoods depiction of romance has probably carried us through our formative teenage years.

It has even given me a slight problem - I expect meeting my “soulmate” to either be a meet-cute, fated, or for us to reach over for the same book from opposite sides of the library.

As you can guess, it has not been working very well for me.

This same Hollywood (off point, but can someone point us to exactly how Hollywood had this worldwide domination? Because why wasn’t I taking love lessons from Jim Iyke and Omotola?�) has also convinced some of us that sex is supposed to happen like it did on The Notebook.

Easy, hot, sensual, and supposed to last all of 2 minutes. The sex is usually smooth, without a hiccup, and somehow, they both know exactly what to do!

The thing is, there are huge differences between how sex is portrayed on screen and what happens in reality.

It's like they seem to forget everything about pre-intimacy and the fact that you both orgasm, of course.

Speaking of orgasms…

Orgasms are actually hard work
As a vulva owner,

Orgasming the first time you have sex? Lmao

Orgasming through penetration? Lmao

Orgasming at the same time as him?

These things are as rare as they can be, and frankly, should not be the staple for how sex is meant to go.

The movies might show you all this is routinely possible, thereby polishing fantasies about sex and female pleasure from a simple, deeply satisfying angle. (i.e. the male gaze �)

And no, you don’t orgasm because your dom asks you to (Looking at you Anastasia Steele�)

Also, women don’t all make the perfectly shaped ‘O’ mouth �. Orgasming for women in movies and TV can be summarized in a few steps: Kiss, get into it, thrust thrust, she closes her eyes, inserts screaming abi moaning, and then the big “O” moment.



Not too hard, abi?

Just like in the movie Long Shot, Hollywood may also make you believe that orgasms are possible for a woman in just 90 seconds. However, statistics and this interview of real-life women by vulture refutes this.

Orgasms require a little more effort and of course, intentionality from both partners.

Sandra Lindholm is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist. In an interview with Mic, this expert says women typically need some time - about 20 to 40 minutes of arousal and touching before they can get an orgasm.

Further research also shows that peak arousal occurs in 10 minutes, for both men and women.

However, because of Hollywood standards (and very lazy partners), some women find themselves worrying and concerned about whether they are reaching the big O in the flawless, sexy way the movies show. This thinking and worrying may even make the attainment of an orgasm farther than it is supposed to be.

Dr Lindholm adds that “Orgasms are elusive; the more you chase after them, the harder they are to experience.”

Stressing and worrying about orgasms can actually take the intimacy and pleasure away from sex. I mean, orgasms are heavenly and very attainable if you’re doing the right things, but they shouldn’t be all sex is about. This is why you should be done with Hollywood and its depictions. Throw it away.

First time lies
It’s awkward. It can be painful. For some cis-women, there is even bleeding involved. And it may not be super romantic or hot as in The Notebook.

First time can be different from one person to another. For many women, it hurts, and for most people, it's a quick and mostly non-spectacular or mind-blowing event.

Because of the pain (for vulva owners) and the unrealistic expectations attach to first-time sex, there can also even be tears involved.

pre-intimacy
It's in the rules. You cannot just move into penetration. To set the mood going, it will make much more than just a few seconds of passionate kissing like they show you in Scandal.

The thing about pre-intimacy is that you have a range of things you can do. kissing, caressing, or rubbing all the right parts are important parts of sex that prepare both the body and mind for intercourse.

Hollywood evades that of course. Just a few seconds of kissing, and then the woman is screaming.�

Porn
Where do I start from?

Is it the totally unrealistic acting scenes they represent as sex?

Or the bodies they show? Or the positions? Or how the storylines don't make sense? Where do I start from?

Perfect bodies
A man doesn't always have a six-pack dear, and women do not all have perfectly long legs, the flattest stomachs, and the perfectly standing breasts. One of the biggest Hollywood lies for me is showing bodies without stretch marks because, come on!

Hollywood has also made us believe many things about our bodies. Bodies are bodies. They are made of skin and cellulite and fat. They are going to be in different forms which differ from person to person, and they do not always have to be the ‘Hollywood way’ to be sexy or hot.

These images we put in our heads have affected a lot of our self-esteem. Now you either think you're not good or hot or sexy enough. This affects your sex life and makes you think you may only achieve great sex if you somehow have a Karlie Kloss or Henry Cavill typa body.

And sex is most often shown by young beautiful actresses with little flexibility in the age range. I mean, what happens to old people, Hollywood?

One thing that irks me and a certain number of people is how the woman always looks perfect for and after the ‘act’, and I’m always left wondering…

How does her hair still stay silky straight?

How is her makeup still looking perfect and untouched?

How come they all always wear exotic matching underwear? Who wears that spontaneously? How do they all have spontaneous sex?

Scenery
Unlike what those raunchy scenes in Crank may tell you, you're not allowed to have sex in public plis. Get a room!

Shower sex is slippery, awkward, and uncomfortable. You’re not James Bond, our advice is, don't try to recreate the shower scene in Skyfall. Or if you do, be very careful. You run the risk of slipping and falling on the neck. I.e you could die.

It’s also not very easy to have sex while you’re standing, dears. Please.



Also, let’s talk about that scene in The Notebook where Noah carries Ally up the stairs, rain-soaked, without a hiccup. Kole�work! I don't know how you'd explain to your parents that you and Omotola slipped from the stairs. Good luck to you.

Another thing, the idea that sex means ‘penetration’ is not only patronizing to straight people, but it also narrows our minds and cages our bedroom creativity. Forget what they’ve shown you. You can have satisfactory sex without penetration actually happening. And yes, it still counts as sex.

In the movies, they hardly ever talk about condoms… or birth control. How do they not get pregnant? We’d honestly love it if more films could capture the sometimes uncomfortable conversation that is birth control.

Sex also gives this urge to pee. They don't show them doing simple things such as peeing after sex.

NB - Meaningful sex doesn't always have to be missionary. Come. On.

Honorable Mentions
Sexual OCD/ Sexual Obsessions
A person with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) can be fixated with thoughts of violence, death, religion, contamination, and even sex. It could be an obsession about things frowned upon such as incest, bestiality, sexual sadism, or sex with underage people.

It's a scary, interfering condition that needs professional treatment… and to be talked about.

Performance Anxiety
When you worry about your performance; what and what not to do while having sex, you may have what is called sexual performance anxiety and this could lead to erectile dysfunction in men, and sexual dysfunction in women. When you notice this, it's important to take a few steps back and focus on you. Our recommendation is, visit a counselor or therapist.

One sure way to make sure that sex is as great as it can be for both you and your partner is to communicate. Communication is super important, and it helps you better understand your partner and their needs. You’re not telepathic, and neither is your partner. We understand that some conversations can be uncomfortable, but talk to each other.

That's why most of the sex scenes where both characters fully understand each other's wants and needs even though they are doing it for the first time are something of a fantasy.

Sex is more complicated than television shows you. Sex scenes in films are basically a surrealist artform, yet somehow, they have convinced us that sex is supposed to go their way and their way only. This skews our perception of reality and gives us unrealistic expectations of what really goes on… and can even give us anxiety about having actual sex.

This is why it's important to have access to correct, factual and inclusive sexual health education… why it’s important to have us.

Amoto Health is building a virtual environment where you can easily access sexual healthcare that is safe, inclusive, and stigma-free. It includes access to support and sexual healthcare professionals. Please, head over to our website [url]amotohealth.com[/url] to learn more and sign up to our MVP

A good read but nothing I should waste time lingering on.

suffering:
A good read but nothing I should waste time lingering on.

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