God who is the author of marriage prescribes that for the reason of marriage a man must leave his parents and cleave to his wife. There's a need for the guy to move out of his family house, get an apartment of his own for the wellbeing of the proposed marriage.
Your actions so far are good and sensible. The lady in question may not listen to your wise counsel. Most of them in that situation are like that. I would also suggest that if the lady insists on marrying into the husband's family house, let her go, do the wedding as you are able so that your good intentions will not be turned to evil in the future. If you go to God for counsel, he will tell you his will but will not force you to follow it.You have done your part well so far.

Iyaebe:
Living in husband's family house while married is a disaster, ladies should not be deceived by that deceitful words like "his family is my family" your eyes will clear when troubles set in (which you can't totally avoid because fighting your in-laws is like the air we breath, you can't avoid it,just choose your fights wisely by avoiding the very elderly ones but be strong and ready for those young ones that'll come and test you).It's a hard and enduring decision on it's own to marry a man that does not own a house not to talk of marrying one that'll put you in a rent but going further to marry one that'll put you in his family house is what I can't explain.Let me stop here before my nairaland Chief judges begin to rant.

Absolutely and perfectly correct.

BluntTheApostle:


The mother is on my side. But she is helpless.

Their type of relationship is like this: the girl is the mother while the mother is the daughter. I hope you understand.

I have spoken to my father, but my father is too liberal. He says I should leave her alone to find her own way.

I think your Dad, as an elder has seen something you haven't seen.


The girl is wilful, and has had a history of getting her way.


Let her do her wish now, of course she will learn a possibly bitter lesson later in life.


Just watch out for her and let her know you have stuff going on in your life when the bills start piling up for her. Do your best but please let her learn.

As for me never.
It's best "Mr husband to be" start looking for his own apartment. Some family members too sabi see finish, seeing she is even young they would want to involve her in all the petty little things they do, Iyawo come help me uproot cassava, fry garri and she can't refuse even if she don't want to. Some would even want to pick on or bully her ,
Bad belle go say she wear new dress and spread new bra outside, in extreme cases some would even say she breathes too much.
Stay away from nuclear or extended family is the best !

Iyaebe:
Shut up and start planning to own a house of your own before ever thinking of bringing somebody's daughter for your families to devour. Your reasoning sucks,may God not let someone like you cross our path.

mumu, u should know a sarcastic comment wen u see one, I started paying my rent since 2008,na roofing remain make I move into my own property.
U nairaland no1 nuisance dey form like say one sense dey ur pangolo head.. asigidi

Abujason:
This is such a useless question!

Why won’t they if the women themselves have no future, good education and drive? When some of them have no homes of their own and nothing to bring in other than toto. They should be happy marrying a guy living under Abule-Egba flyover sef.

If dem no like a man living with his family or my talk, let them build their own houses and come marry the men. There is no law that forbids that or states that the man must die to please women.

Nonsense!

The man here is a 30-year-old, looking to marrying a child who has yet to have a chance and go at establishing herself. The question about whether he is mature and responsible enough for the burden he wishes to take on definitely and absolutely needs to be asked.

Mariangeles:


Did Jesus come to earth to marry and raise a family?

Be realistic.

Gbam!

chukwuibuipob:
Nonsense and useless talk.Life is stage by stage.
1. Who told u lots against the young girl and the hubby to be dat they plan to live/stay in family house forever ?

2. U want him to borrow and live big? Who told u lots that fortune won't smile on him? Leave her alone

1. According to Op, that is where the man-boy plans to live with his wife.

2. I don't believe OP wants him to borrow anything. Instead, he only needs only to show he himself capable and ready to live independent of his parents since that is what marriage is about.

Read everything and read the replies...

Mine is... a struggling man wants to marry and expect another man to fund the marriage, why the rush from a 20yr old girl in this modern age?

Here's the thing, if you sponsor the marriage, will you also sponsor the living, the financial services in their lives money brings respect, I assure you, ur niece and the man won't have respect in that house,and she being younger than the wives,sisters and brothers and probably the guy's nieces and nephews etc.... and women barely live together without quarrel.... ur niece behavior is as a result of what the guy is telling her and believe me,she will come home pregnant and ur hands will be tied.. I don't understand why a man of 30yrs will still be with this archaic reasoning... if you can't man up and threaten the guy out of her life,be prepared to accept anything that comes next... people think that it's only love that makes marriage work... I'm this kind of guy, if na me,I'll tell them the blunt truth and if she decides to go ahead,I will ask them to marry but my 1kobo won't be there,den if my worries dawn on her,I won't even show concern and I won't let her divorce and even if she does,I won't accept her back..... just let them marry and the money u will put in that marriage should be channeled to her opening a business or a shop to be dependent should the unthinkable starts...... igbo amaka

Rubbish question so if na inherited house nko

Blackdisciple:
Rubbish question so if na inherited house nko

If the man-boy inherited the house, then it wouldn't be called a family house, would it?

Or are you suggesting he may have only inherited a room or 2 in the house?

[s]

Iyaebe:
Living in husband's family house while married is a disaster, ladies should not be deceived by that deceitful words like "his family is my family" your eyes will clear when troubles set in (which you can't totally avoid because fighting your in-laws is like the air we breath, you can't avoid it,just choose your fights wisely by avoiding the very elderly ones but be strong and ready for those young ones that'll come and test you).It's a hard and enduring decision on it's own to marry a man that does not own a house not to talk of marrying one that'll put you in a rent but going further to marry one that'll put you in his family house is what I can't explain.Let me stop here before my nairaland Chief judges begin to rant.

[/s]

Zonefree:
OP, the marriage is between your Niece and her guy.

The guy is a hustler like you said. He's sponsoring himself to school, up to Masters level. He got things going for him. Can that be said about your Niece? Your Niece lives at your expense and you think she's ready for marriage?

Your Niece has to be independent, live alone, drive big cars before you can select made men for her as a groom.

The Op didn't particularly state that the man sponsored his own masters so make we no add sheen to the story.

Also, the man is 30, OP'S niece has yet to have a go at a chance of getting her own masters, so I am not certain why you feel a need to compare them both, achievement-wise.

[s]

Iyaebe:
Shut up and start planning to own a house of your own before ever thinking of bringing somebody's daughter for your families to devour. Your reasoning sucks,may God not let someone like you cross our path.

[/s]

[s]

Iyaebe:
Stop typing anyhow, was she not on her own when the man was pestering her for marriage? why is he disturbing her for marriage when he knows he's not already made since you are saying op sister should be already made before searching for an already made man.Mtcheww

[/s]

samuel051:
How old is Jesus,I still haven't heard he rented an apartment while on earth or over there in heaven while there are many rooms in his father's mansion.

Jesus Christ did rent an apartment while he was on earth. It is recorded in scripture that this happened.

And I am lost as to why you chose to drag Jesus Christ into this to begin with.

Ishilove:

She is only 21 so what is the rush? To give her a hot slap on her bare back dey hungry me.

People tend to be in love with the idea of marriage, but are always unprepared for the effort and sacrifices it takes to make a marriage work. She is so naive

21 is a very, very good time to get married. If there's any reason for her to wait, it should be to get a solid financial footing before taking the step.

BluntTheApostle:
I just need some assurance that it is not bad.
Because I don't think I may be able to hold the wedding for long.
She thinks I am against the wedding because I don't want to fund it.
Recently, I have had some change in fortune. Something she knows about. Now, she thinks my reluctance to accept the man is due to my financial situation.
But that is not the issue.

Why are you worried about funding the wedding though? Isn't that up to the man's side to do?

Belafonte:
21 is a very, very good time to get married. If there's any reason for her to wait, it should be to get a solid financial footing before taking the step.

Why is 21 a very good time to marry when at that age all she has to bring "to the table" is her vagina, as many have taking to stating?

Kobojunkie:
Jesus Christ did rent an apartment while he was on earth. It is recorded in scripture that this happened.

And I am lost as to why you chose to drag Jesus Christ into this to begin with.

Jesus’ PA.

Mariangeles:
Jesus’ PA.

I no be Him PA, I just happen to have read well what is written of Him right there in the Gospels.

BluntTheApostle:
A few weeks back, my niece brought a man to me and introduced him as the one she wishes to marry.

Her father died while she was about 15, and I have been the one taking care of her, through school and all. So, she sees me as her father.

Alright, so she brought this young man to me. I have nothing against him. He is finishing up a master's degree, and even though he is not into anything really specific (he is a hustler sort of a person, combining different jobs), I do not have a problem with that. He appears focused, and really hardworking.

However, the problem is that he does not have a place of his own, and does not appear to have any plans in that direction.

So, last week, I asked him a whole lot of questions, and it appears like he would be marrying my baby, and she would live with him in their family house. Other families living there include the man's aged parents, some uncles and aunties, and their children. He was not specific whether aunties or uncles included blood relations and their spouses. I didn't press him on that.

Now, I have also sat my niece down, and had a chat with her. She is only 20+ (would be 21 in June). I tried to be as neutral as possible, but I may have been too blunt sometimes because she has been defensive, including accusing me of not wanting to fund the wedding.

Her mother reasons with me, but the girl has become deaf. She doesn't want to listen.

My point is that the wedding can be put on hold till the young man makes a firm decision on accommodation. All this: "I will consider it; I am considering it; it is a part of my plan" is not conclusive at all, and I don't want her to go and start her married life under the same roof with so many people.

The man is 30 (although he looks older to me), and I am beginning to feel that he is manipulating her.

What do you think?

Which of you has experienced living in your husband's family house? How was the experience?

For me, I think of it just like living in a polygamous family, and it makes me uneasy because this girl is too young, and too fragile.

Your opinions and experiences are highly welcome.

It may be all that I would need to reach a decision concerning this knotty issue.

Ahhh, she is just 21 years old and wants to marry into a family house where extended families of her husband-to-be lives? I can assure you for someone her age, she won’t be able to cope in that kind of setting.

Firstly, she’s young and young couples need privacy during the first year of their marriage.

Secondly, she would be seen as someone the uncles and aunties of her husband-to-be can ask to be doing house chores, taking care of their children and sending errands like she’s their maid even while she has her own responsibilities as a wife to her husband and as a student. She will not only be cooking for her husband but also for the extended family too. The workload will be too much for her.

Your niece can’t cope in that setting especially because of her age. And why are you the one sponsoring the wedding? Your niece is still in achy and she wants to get married to someone not financially able to sponsor his own wedding? Ahhh!

Please talk to her mother and you both should calmly talk to her about these issues and if she insists then leave her be to go ahead with the wedding plans.
WHEN it finally dawns on her in that house, she would be on her own.

That kind arrangement no dey too work, but if they insist allow her, nothing passed experience. My bestie went the same route and she is not finding it funny, her saving grace is that her husband is on her side.

Kobojunkie:
Why is 21 a very good time to marry when at that age all she has to bring "to the table" is her vagina, as many have taking to stating?

You really need to understand what you're replying to. I know you know a lot of stuff, but it would be wise to add comprehension t your list of skills.

This particular 21 year old may have only her vagïna to bring to the table, but that is not so for all 21 year olds. Capisce?

NeoWanZaeed:
OP.. let her learn ..

Let her learn.. leave her to her decisions

He doesn't have to leave her to learn the hard way. He's there for exactly this reason, to provide guidance and instruction when and where he feels she can do better. Hence, Ishilove's use of the term 'tough love'.


"Foolishness is in the hart of a child, but the rod if correction drives it away"

Blackdisciple:
Rubbish question so if na inherited house nko

Inherited house means he should bring in his aunties and uncles with their children to come live there and still marry a wife inside that same house?

Belafonte:
You really need to understand what you're replying to. I know you know a lot of stuff, but it would be wise to add comprehension t your list of skills.

This particular 21 year old may have only her vagïna to bring to the table, but that is not so for all 21 year olds. Capisce?

ROFLMAO


So, you are not speaking of this here 21-year old, abi? make i rephrase my question small to help you then..

Why is 21 a very good time to marry when at that age what a majority of Nigerian women have to bring "to the table" is a vagina, as many have taking to stating?

lanocfoods:
That kind arrangement no dey too work, but if they insist allow her, nothing passed experience. My bestie went the same route and she is not finding it funny, her saving grace is that her husband is on her side.

It’s always terrible especially for her age(21), the husband’s aunties and uncles will turn her to a slave las las

Belafonte:


He doesn't have to leave her to learn the hard way. He's there for exactly this reason, to provide guidance and instruction when and where he feels she can do better. Hence, Ishilove's use of the term 'tough love'.


"Foolishness is in the hart of a child, but the rod if correction drives it away"

She no go listen and may hate her aunty for that

Mariangeles:


You see? Even your father knows why he said what he said.

I believe his father is wrong. A bad (possibly, bit in this case, not definitely) marriage is not something that you push someone into learning hard lessons from.

At the very least, financial stability should be impressed upon her