Vyvyanvyvy:
Hello fams sorry to bother you again i need your advice please , my son is nearly 15 last year when their father came from italy he contacted me via facebook requesting for my number. I rushed here to asked for advice and you have advised me to give him my number which I did, he called to tell me that he want to 100% support his children with the condition that I have to give them to his sister to take care of them which I refused. I didn't hide anything from my son I have explained everything to him because I don't want someday for his father to corrupt him with fake stories that I was the one who didn't allow him to see them, my son was very disappointed why would his father want them to live with the aunty who hasn't bothered to check on them for 9 years, he said my decision was right because I love them and I don't want them to go and suffer like he did when he was with my brother and his family. It is over a year now haven't heard anything from their father and on sunday my son asked for my permission if he can contact his dad on facebook, my son has a facebook account which is controlled by me , he doesn't have a smartphone so he use my phone to access his account. He said he is a big boy and he want to chat his dad to ask him why he refused to take care of them while they are still in my care , i told him he should not bother himself God will help us but the boy was begging me to please allow him to contact his father , I even shouted at him out of anger i called him ungrateful human being, he cried and apologised to me but I came to realize that he is now a big boy he only want answers from his father and to form a relationship with him only if the father will also see it the same way. I asked my brother for his opinion he said i shouldn't allow him to contact him the father may think that i am the one who sent the boy to beg him to do his duty as a father and he added nobody beg a parent to provide for their children. So far I have taken the advice my brother has given me but my mind is not in peace i keep thinking about it ,i feel like i am not being fair to my son and I should allow him to contact his father, I am taking care of all my 4 children alone as a single mother and i will never stop any of them to have a relationship with their fathers as long as things are taken to the right channel. please help me with your advices should i allow him to contact him or i should let the matter slide ?

@bold:

Ungrateful for what?

Isn't he his father?

Ma'am please let your son have supervised contact with his father. He is growing into a young man and needs his father's guidance. While you might be a fantastic mother, you are not a father and the boy needs his father or a father figure.

If he decides to get married tomorrow, he needs to know how to lead a home and he wouldn't learn it from you.

I hope you do not grow into MILs who do not let their sons and family rest because you brought him up alone.

Again, whatever his father gives him is his birthright. Even if he solicits for funds, he was entitled 15 years ago or the amount of years he has been absent.

I wish your son good luck on engaging with his father.

Don’t be a bitter woman okay.

bukatyne:


@bold:

Ungrateful for what?

Isn't he his father?

Ma'am please let your son have supervised contact with his father. He is growing into a young man and needs his father's guidance. While you might be a fantastic mother, you are not a father and the boy needs his father or a father figure.

If he decides to get married tomorrow, he needs to know how to lead a home and he wouldn't learn it from you.

I hope you do not grow into MILs who do not let their sons and family rest because you brought him up alone.

Again, whatever his father gives him is his birthright. Even if he solicits for funds, he was entitled 15 years ago or the amount of years he has been absent.

I wish your son good luck on engaging with his father.

It wasn't neccessary for you to say all these harsh words to me. I know why you are always bitter with me , because of what happened 3 years ago when i choose my son over my marriage you were one of those people who were against me choosing my son , you wanted me to abandon him on the street so I can still be answering mrs and I don't know why are you showing so much concern about him 😒🙄 as if you were not the one that asked me to abandon him 🤔 stop being a hyprocrite it doesn't suit you .

bukatyne:
While you might be a fantastic mother, you are not a father and the boy needs his father or a father figure. If he decides to get married tomorrow, he needs to know how to lead a home and he wouldn't learn it from you.

You actually wrote the statement in bold? How exactly is this boy to learn that from a man who abandoned him with his mother up until now? Abeg, make una dey find una sons better role models for Pete's sake!

Stop raising arseholes in the name of "a boy needs his father" for crying out loud!

Vyvyanvyvy:




It wasn't neccessary for you to say all these harsh words to me. I know why you are always bitter with me , because of what happened 3 years ago when i choose my son over my marriage you were one of those people who were against me choosing my son , you wanted me to abandon him on the street so I can still be answering mrs and I don't know why are you showing so much concern about him 😒🙄 as if you were not the one that asked me to abandon him 🤔 stop being a hyprocrite it doesn't suit you .

Why I am always bitter towards you? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I wanted you to choose your husband over your son. Luckily, I sure my posts are still on your thread.

If I remember correctly, I was giving you an advise that ensured you wouldn't be in the position you are in now: a single mom of four kids from different fathers. You had successfully brought the son home & your husband was carrying face: it was a situation where a little ego massage would have gotten you all you wanted.

Moving on Madam, remove your victimhood cap, take a deep breath and ask:

What is my interest in being 'always bitter towards you'?

It is not about 'you': it is about preventing your son & his future family especially wife from being tormented by you because you have started blackmailing him with 'ungratefulness' because he naturally wants to connect with his father.

I have said it here severally that mothers like you make terrible MILs. This section is littered with several wives rightfully complaining about MILs who do not to loose their sons from their grip because they feel entitled to his existence.

I appreciate your compliment at the end: Being an hypocrite doesn't suit me; if I want to drop a post on your case, I would not give an advise to soothe your itchy ears. I would say the truth from where I stand because I firmly believe I am accountable for all advise I give here as a Christian.

Let me give you a hint: if you don't want to become a bitter MIL in future, start building a life now. Have a life outside your kids; get hobbies that makes you happy; drag your baby daddies to be responsible for them also. So that when they fly the nest, you would be at peace.

Good luck to you & children.

Kobojunkie:
You actually wrote the statement in bold? How exactly is this boy to learn that from a man who abandoned him with his mother up until now? Abeg, make una dey find una sons better role models for Pete's sake!

Stop raising arseholes in the name of "a boy needs his father" for crying out loud!

If I remember correctly, she chose the boy's father and the next two fathers after him.

No matter how you twist your bra, every child especially male needs their father/ a father figure. We have enough fatherless children causing havoc in the society.

This OP claims the boy's father is bad; next two men are bad; her brother is bad (was maltreating him or so) so the boy currently has no father figure and he is in his teens.

Since she has control/supervision over his Facebook, then it would be supervised assess.

If he doesn't learn how to be a good father/ what manhood entails, he would learn with fatherhood/manhood doesn't entail.

bukatyne:
■ If I remember correctly, she chose the boy's father and the next two fathers after him. No matter how you twist your bra, every child especially male needs their father/ a father figure. We have enough fatherless children causing havoc in the society.
■ This OP claims the boy's father is bad; next two men are bad; her brother is bad (was maltreating him or so) so the boy currently has no father figure and he is in his teens. Since she has control/supervision over his Facebook, then it would be supervised assess. If he doesn't learn how to be a good father/ what manhood entails, he would learn with fatherhood/manhood doesn't entail.

1. Not every father is a good father. A father who abandons his own child, for whatever reason there may be is not a fit enough role model/father for that particular child abeg! Yes, in an ideal world, we would love for all kids — male and female alike — to have their fathers and mothers in the picture, but it would be wrong not to admit that children are equally able to do without an irresponsible/unfit father or mother in the picture.

2. I am sorry what? The example the boy currently has from that same man is that a father is one who can abandon his responsibilities without consequence. What can such a man teach this boy about what you term manhood or fatherhood? He can learn much of that from reading books on the subject than from attempting to learn from this current example abeg!

Kobojunkie:
1. Not every father is a good father. A father who abandons his own child, for whatever reason there may be is not a fit enough role model/father for that particular child abeg! Yes, in an ideal world, we would love for all kids — male and female alike — to have their fathers and mothers in the picture, but it would be wrong not to admit that children are equally able to do without an irresponsible/unfit father or mother in the picture.

2. I am sorry what? The example the boy currently has from that same man is that a father is one who can abandon his responsibilities without consequence. What can such a man teach this boy about what you term manhood or fatherhood? He can learn much of that from reading books on the subject than from attempting to learn from this current example abeg!

1. I never said 'every father is a good father'.

2. Learn fatherhood & manhood from books

Kobo, I hear you.

bukatyne:
1. I never said 'every father is a good father'.
2. Learn fatherhood & manhood from books
Kobo, I hear you.

2. As a matter of fact, there are many folks out there who learned how to be good fathers from reading books and watching sitcoms about fathers who spent time with their kids and whatnot. I have a friend who was abandoned by his father as a youth that swears to exactly that, and he is a very decent father at that, unlike his own birth father who abandoned him and his mother to die. This dude curses at his own father to this very day, but he is always there for his own kids no matter what.

Don't knock it simply because you don't understand it.

Kobojunkie:
2. As a matter of fact, there are many folks out there who learned how to be good fathers from reading books and watching sitcoms about fathers who spent time with their kids and whatnot. I have a friend who was abandoned by his father as a youth that swears to exactly that, and he is a very decent father at that, unlike his own birth father who abandoned him and his mother to die. This dude curses at his own father to this very day, but he is always there for his own kids no matter what.

Don't knock it simply because you don't understand it.

It is going to take a very deliberate effort of unlearning, learning & relearning to achieve that.

Books are theory and not the intended way to teach such topics. They are just to complement what you have learnt at home.

Well, the OP can in addition to whatever she is doing start getting her son books. You can ask your friend for the titles so you can drop them here.

Anything to make the trait of poor/absentee fatherhood end at her generation.

@bold: Kobo Kobo 🤣

bukatyne:
■ It is going to take a very deliberate effort of unlearning, learning & relearning to achieve that. Books are theory and not the intended way to teach such topics. They are just to complement what you have learnt at home.
■ Well, the OP can in addition to whatever she is doing start getting her son books. You can ask your friend for the titles so you can drop them here. Anything to make the trait of poor/absentee fatherhood end at her generation.

@bold: Kobo Kobo 🤣

1. For one, you have a very wrong impression of books there. If I can go from novice to professional mechanic or tailor or Gardner just from reading books, what makes you think I can't learn how to be a good father too? All I need are good books and a clear idea of the kind of father I at least don't want to be.

2. Did you know something else? Those who raise the worst arseholes out there are those married couples who are convinced that because their marriages are intact, their children are the best. Yeah, the majority of the arseholes out there in the world are not those raised in single-family homes or those orphaned from a young age. Instead, they are those who have their father and mother standing together behind them in all the glory of their arsehollery.

Please, parents, stop churning out arseholes abeg!

Kobojunkie:
1. For one, you have a very wrong impression of books there. If I can go from novice to professional mechanic or tailor or Gardner just from reading books, what makes you think I can't learn how to be a good father too? All I need are good books and a clear idea of the kind of father I at least don't want to be.

2. Did you know something else? Those who raise the worst arseholes out there are those married couples who are convinced that because their marriages are intact, their children are the best. Yeah, the majority of the arseholes out there in the world are not those raised in single-family homes or those orphaned from a young age. Instead, they are those who have their father and mother standing together behind them in all the glory of their arsehollery.

Please, parents, stop churning out arseholes abeg!

1. I read & write ☺️ so I know the power of books . Yet, there is a reason that practice and not reading makes perfect. Head knowledge is also different from practical hands on experience. I believe I asked for the books your friend read so you can drop it here. I don't know how else to agree with you that intentional reading of books might make a man learn to be a great father.

2. I hope you know that intact marriages and training of children properly can be mutually exclusive. However, I find it strange that you believe that healthy marriages are more likely to breed 'arsehole' than unhealthy ones and single motherhood. Strange indeed!

bukatyne:
1. I read & write ☺️ so I know the power of books. Yet, there is a reason that practice and not reading makes perfect. Head knowledge is also different from practical hands on experience.
■ I believe I asked for the books your friend read so you can drop it here. I don't know how else to agree with you that intentional reading of books might make a man learn to be a great father.

2. I hope you know that intact marriages and training of children properly can be mutually exclusive. However, I find it strange that you believe that healthy marriages are more likely to breed 'arsehole' than unhealthy ones and single motherhood. Strange indeed!

1. I can put in all the practice in the world that I want but if that practice is not guided by sound knowledge and understanding, it amounts to nothing in the end, doesn't it?

Having the right knowledge ready even before the time comes to put it into practice helps to ensure that you will not end up working in vain. With the right knowledge and understanding of what it means to be a good father, I am better guided and well able to focus on those activities which will aid me in reaching the particular goals I have by way of understanding configured myself to achieve. This is as opposed to practicing without a set plan and knowledge to guide and back it up.

2. I don't know since it has been many years since I last spoke to him. Never asked him about the books but I did ask him about the sitcoms Cosby, different strokes, Happy days, and a bunch of shows from the 70s/80s that did come up during some of the conversations we had.

3. The keyword there is can. From my point of view, it is not the case majority of the time. Also, people's ideas as far as what a "healthy marriage" is, tend to scare the shit out of me a lot of times. Even those in dysfunctional relationships who remain together for reasons best known to them also lay claim to that "healthy marriage" badge. **Shudders*** saw a whole lot of that growing up in Nigeria actually.

bukatyne:


Why I am always bitter towards you? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I wanted you to choose your husband over your son. Luckily, I sure my posts are still on your thread.

If I remember correctly, I was giving you an advise that ensured you wouldn't be in the position you are in now: a single mom of four kids from different fathers. You had successfully brought the son home & your husband was carrying face: it was a situation where a little ego massage would have gotten you all you wanted.

Moving on Madam, remove your victimhood cap, take a deep breath and ask:

What is my interest in being 'always bitter towards you'?

It is not about 'you': it is about preventing your son & his future family especially wife from being tormented by you because you have started blackmailing him with 'ungratefulness' because he naturally wants to connect with his father.

I have said it here severally that mothers like you make terrible MILs. This section is littered with several wives rightfully complaining about MILs who do not to loose their sons from their grip because they feel entitled to his existence.

I appreciate your compliment at the end: Being an hypocrite doesn't suit me; if I want to drop a post on your case, I would not give an advise to soothe your itchy ears. I would say the truth from where I stand because I firmly believe I am accountable for all advise I give here as a Christian.

Let me give you a hint: if you don't want to become a bitter MIL in future, start building a life now. Have a life outside your kids; get hobbies that makes you happy; drag your baby daddies to be responsible for them also. So that when they fly the nest, you would be at peace.

Good luck to you & children.

You are judging me for being a caring and overprotective mother and you have concluded that I will be a bad mother in law , God forbid I will never mistreat another woman daughter for my daughters to pay the price in their marriages never , if you see a woman who has female children hating on their son wife she is a brainless woman and she has no idea what goes around comes around and her female children will pay the price of her wickedness. My elder brother was my late mother favourite child she train him till univeristy and she didn't train my sister and I to university because she had the mindset that only male children can go to the university not female children and my brother is doing well and she has never for once became a nuisance in his house until she died and I will do the same as her my future daughter in law will be so happy to have me as her mother in law . My prayers is for my children to find good wife/ husbands who will be a blessing to our family so that we can leave in peace and harmony and not the ones who will come to destroy. Stop judging me based on my parenting what I am doing for my children is totally normal, as a parent my children are my responsibility until they can independently provide for themselves.

Kobojunkie:
You actually wrote the statement in bold? How exactly is this boy to learn that from a man who abandoned him with his mother up until now? Abeg, make una dey find una sons better role models for Pete's sake!

Stop raising arseholes in the name of "a boy needs his father" for crying out loud!

you should ask yourself why the boy is trying to contact his father.

ShaqFu:
you should ask yourself why the boy is trying to contact his father.

Kids typically long to have their parents involved in their lives, whether father or mother.

Vyvyanvyvy:






You are judging me for being a caring and overprotective mother and you have concluded that I will be a bad mother in law , God forbid I will never mistreat another woman daughter for my daughters to pay the price in their marriages never , if you see a woman who has female children hating on their son wife she is a brainless woman and she has no idea what goes around comes around and her female children will pay the price of her wickedness. My elder brother was my late mother favourite child she train him till univeristy and she didn't train my sister and I to university because she had the mindset that only male children can go to the university not female children and my brother is doing well and she has never for once became a nuisance in his house until she died and I will do the same as her my future daughter in law will be so happy to have me as her mother in law . My prayers is for my children to find good wife/ husbands who will be a blessing to our family so that we can leave in peace and harmony and not the ones who will come to destroy. Stop judging me based on my parenting what I am doing for my children is totally normal, as a parent my children are my responsibility until they can independently provide for themselves.

Now you have established I am not 'bitter against you', I am judging you.

Unfortunately, emotional blackmail doesn't work on me

Your first post has all the details to make me deduce that you would make a bad MIL if you do not change your mindset quickly.

If you are blackmailing your son that he is ungrateful because he wants to contact his dad at 15 (out of which your brother raised him for some years), what would you tell him at 25yrs or 30yrs when he brings a woman he loves home?

Now you confessed with your hands that you are overprotective; If I state that in a subsequent post on this thread, you would accuse me of judging /hating you.

FYI, overprotectiveness is also a trait of a woman who would grow to become a bad MIL 🤣

Not all bad MILs necessarily mistreat their DILs; some cannot maintain healthy boundaries and drag the man with his wife.

Your children are your responsibility (and their fathers); yes. However, always have it at the back of your mind that you are an alagbato* hence they would grow and fly out of the nest. Hence, you need to cultivate a life outside of them so you don't feel bitter and empty when they leave. You would miss them, yes however be proud that they are now doing well representing you in the world.

*Alagbato is like a custodian; God owns the children while we the parents are like their custodians/guardians on earth.

Kobojunkie:
Kids typically long to have their parents involved in their lives, whether father or mother.

All the more reason why he needs to learn how to be a man and also know the reason why his father abandoned him when he was a toddler.

ShaqFu:
■ All the more reason why he needs to learn how to be a man
■ and also know the reason why his father abandoned him when he was a toddler.

1. What it means to be a man? What exactly does it mean to be a man? Is it different from him knowing what it means to be a human being?

2. Is there ever a valid reason for why a man would abandon his toddler? Do you really think kids are dumb or something?

bukatyne:


Now you have established I am not 'bitter against you', I am judging you.

Unfortunately, emotional blackmail doesn't work on me

Your first post has all the details to make me deduce that you would make a bad MIL if you do not change your mindset quickly.

If you are blackmailing your son that he is ungrateful because he wants to contact his dad at 15 (out of which your brother raised him for some years), what would you tell him at 25yrs or 30yrs when he brings a woman he loves home?

Now you confessed with your hands that you are overprotective; If I state that in a subsequent post on this thread, you would accuse me of judging /hating you.

FYI, overprotectiveness is also a trait of a woman who would grow to become a bad MIL 🤣

Not all bad MILs necessarily mistreat their DILs; some cannot maintain healthy boundaries and drag the man with his wife.

Your children are your responsibility (and their fathers); yes. However, always have it at the back of your mind that you are an alagbato* hence they would grow and fly out of the nest. Hence, you need to cultivate a life outside of them so you don't feel bitter and empty when they leave. You would miss them, yes however be proud that they are now doing well representing you in the world.

*Alagbato is like a custodian; God owns the children while we the parents are like their custodians/guardians on earth.

You are bitter and judgemental you have accused me for something which I don't wish to be in the nearest future.Yes I know that I am a very overprotective mother nobody has told me that before but I know I am which sometime can not be healthy but with time I will adjust. also calling my son a ungrateful human being was out of anger I had expected him to keep quiet after telling him no but he kept on begging and begging that's why I called him that ,which i regretted later , I owe him an apology which I will do tommorow when I will give him the permission to speak to his dad, the word came out of anger and it will never be repeated. For your information I have a life outside of my children , I am in a new relationship with a widower and I am enjoying life to the fullest , I hope you are now happy to hear that I have a life outside of my children and you will not accuse me of anything else.

Vyvyanvyvy:

1. You are bitter and judgemental you have accused me for something which I don't wish to be in the nearest future.

2. Yes I know that I am a very overprotective mother nobody has told me that before but I know I am which sometime can not be healthy but with time I will adjust.

3. also calling my son a ungrateful human being was out of anger I had expected him to keep quiet after telling him no but he kept on begging and begging that's why I called him that ,which i regretted later , I owe him an apology which I will do tommorow when I will give him the permission to speak to his dad, the word came out of anger and it will never be repeated.

4. For your information I have a life outside of my children , I am in a new relationship with a widower and I am enjoying life to the fullest ,

5. I hope you are now happy to hear that I have a life outside of my children and you will not accuse me of anything else.

1. Sounds like bigger and better 😜 Even students who did not read in school wish to pass.

2. 💯

3. Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaketh. Point two says you are working on it so it's fine. Anyways, you have an apology date tomorrow. Top it off with his favorite food.

4. Fighting 💪

5. If you don't want me to accuse you of anything else, send N200k cash in new notes to me. You know cash is currently king, queen, princess and prince join. I prefer denomination of N1,000 with a sprinkle of N500 so a lot can fit into my purse per time.

I am glad my posts have made you introspect birthing points two & three.

Good luck 🤞

Kobojunkie:
1. What it means to be a man? What exactly does it mean to be a man? Is it different from him knowing what it means to be a human being?

being a man means taking responsibility for your actions. Confronting problems head on and providing for ones family etc...

Being a human being is the sum total of it all. However, their are characteristics peculiar to both male and female.

2. Is there ever a valid reason for why a man would abandon his toddler? Do you really think kids are dumb or something?

There's always a reason why a man might decide to abandon his toddler. One can never know. Take for example Tonto Dikeh and her ex Churchill.

Things happen.

ShaqFu:
■ being a man means taking responsibility for your actions. Confronting problems head on and providing for ones family etc...
■ Being a human being is the sum total of it all. However, their are characteristics peculiar to both male and female.
■ There's always a reason why a man might decide to abandon his toddler. One can never know. Take for example Tonto Dikeh and her ex Churchill. Things happen.

1. So being a woman does not equally mean taking responsibility for one's own actions and confronting problems head-on, providing for self and family when responsible for it and all? I don't get it at all.

2. What are some of those characteristics?

3. There is always a reason but one can never know. I don't know Churchhill and tonto Dikeh but are you telling me that the man abandoned his children — no financial support or even phone calls from him to them on their birthdays — and you think that makes sense?

Kobojunkie:
1. So being a woman does not equally mean taking responsibility for one's own actions and confronting problems head-on, providing for self and family when responsible for it and all? I don't get it at all.

it's a man's duty to provide for his family, and a woman's duty is to support the man.

Anytime a woman try to usurp the responsibility of a man, things happen which always lead to certain consequences.

2. What are some of those characteristics?

Let me hint you, do men bleed once a month?

3. There is always a reason but one can never know. I don't know Churchhill and tonto Dikeh but are you telling me that the man abandoned his children — no financial support or even phone calls from him to them on their birthdays — and you think that makes sense?

since you don't know Churchill and Tonto, let's leave it at that.

Vyvyanvyvy:
Hello fams sorry to bother you again i need your advice please , my son is nearly 15 last year when their father came from italy he contacted me via facebook requesting for my number. I rushed here to asked for advice and you have advised me to give him my number which I did, he called to tell me that he want to 100% support his children with the condition that I have to give them to his sister to take care of them which I refused. I didn't hide anything from my son I have explained everything to him because I don't want someday for his father to corrupt him with fake stories that I was the one who didn't allow him to see them, my son was very disappointed why would his father want them to live with the aunty who hasn't bothered to check on them for 9 years, he said my decision was right because I love them and I don't want them to go and suffer like he did when he was with my brother and his family. It is over a year now haven't heard anything from their father and on sunday my son asked for my permission if he can contact his dad on facebook, my son has a facebook account which is controlled by me , he doesn't have a smartphone so he use my phone to access his account. He said he is a big boy and he want to chat his dad to ask him why he refused to take care of them while they are still in my care , i told him he should not bother himself God will help us but the boy was begging me to please allow him to contact his father , I even shouted at him out of anger i called him ungrateful human being, he cried and apologised to me but I came to realize that he is now a big boy he only want answers from his father and to form a relationship with him only if the father will also see it the same way. I asked my brother for his opinion he said i shouldn't allow him to contact him the father may think that i am the one who sent the boy to beg him to do his duty as a father and he added nobody beg a parent to provide for their children. So far I have taken the advice my brother has given me but my mind is not in peace i keep thinking about it ,i feel like i am not being fair to my son and I should allow him to contact his father, I am taking care of all my 4 children alone as a single mother and i will never stop any of them to have a relationship with their fathers as long as things are taken to the right channel. please help me with your advices should i allow him to contact him or i should let the matter slide ?

If I were in your shoes, I would tell my son to delay contact with his father, then I'll enroll him to learn a skill.


Only when he has become financially stable will he be allowed to have a relationship with him, it's more difficult to manipulate a man who feeds himself.

Vyvyanvyvy:
Hello fams sorry to bother you again i need your advice please , my son is nearly 15 last year when their father came from italy he contacted me via facebook requesting for my number. I rushed here to asked for advice and you have advised me to give him my number which I did, he called to tell me that he want to 100% support his children with the condition that I have to give them to his sister to take care of them which I refused. I didn't hide anything from my son I have explained everything to him because I don't want someday for his father to corrupt him with fake stories that I was the one who didn't allow him to see them, my son was very disappointed why would his father want them to live with the aunty who hasn't bothered to check on them for 9 years, he said my decision was right because I love them and I don't want them to go and suffer like he did when he was with my brother and his family. It is over a year now haven't heard anything from their father and on sunday my son asked for my permission if he can contact his dad on facebook, my son has a facebook account which is controlled by me , he doesn't have a smartphone so he use my phone to access his account. He said he is a big boy and he want to chat his dad to ask him why he refused to take care of them while they are still in my care , i told him he should not bother himself God will help us but the boy was begging me to please allow him to contact his father , I even shouted at him out of anger i called him ungrateful human being, he cried and apologised to me but I came to realize that he is now a big boy he only want answers from his father and to form a relationship with him only if the father will also see it the same way. I asked my brother for his opinion he said i shouldn't allow him to contact him the father may think that i am the one who sent the boy to beg him to do his duty as a father and he added nobody beg a parent to provide for their children. So far I have taken the advice my brother has given me but my mind is not in peace i keep thinking about it ,i feel like i am not being fair to my son and I should allow him to contact his father, I am taking care of all my 4 children alone as a single mother and i will never stop any of them to have a relationship with their fathers as long as things are taken to the right channel. please help me with your advices should i allow him to contact him or i should let the matter slide ?

I will approve of him contacting his dad through any means, not just in face book, if you have his contact number give him

Just for one reason

They want to ask him why he abandoned them, that's all

Your children already know that he failed them all

So at this stage, let them fight for their right from their dad, your own is to guide them properly

Every thing will be alright soon because you have gone through the worst stage

So it can only get better

Hello fams just want to keep you updated , son messaged his father on Saturday he had attached a picture of him and his sister , he didn't get any response , so on sunday son called again through facebook video call he picked up and told him he is on his way to church he will call back later. He hasn't call back yet and son wants to call him back again today but I've told him to not call he should be patient he will call him when he's less busy. Son is desperately waiting to hear back from him and Hopefully he will call back anytime soon

Vyvyanvyvy:
Hello fams just want to keep you updated , son messaged his father on Saturday he had attached a picture of him and his sister , he didn't get any response , so on sunday son called again through facebook video call he picked up and told him he is on his way to church he will call back later. He hasn't call back yet and son wants to call him back again today but I've told him to not call he should be patient he will call him when he's less busy. Son is desperately waiting to hear back from him and Hopefully he will call back anytime soon

Allow him try a much times as he wants to.

Let him fulfill his curiosity.

Just be there when he needs you.

He will definitely break his heart, cos he can never be that father he wants him to be.

Vyvyanvyvy:
Hello fams just want to keep you updated , son messaged his father on Saturday he had attached a picture of him and his sister , he didn't get any response , so on sunday son called again through facebook video call he picked up and told him he is on his way to church he will call back later. He hasn't call back yet and son wants to call him back again today but I've told him to not call he should be patient he will call him when he's less busy. Son is desperately waiting to hear back from him and Hopefully he will call back anytime soon

Poor boy, he never know anything! Biko adopt a polite rudeness towards making him see just how important his father placed him and his sister....the curiosity of humans! No good father would willingly miss out on the childhood of his children and the responsibilities that come with it. It is such a short time that flies off like magic...unfortunately, it takes a while for the wards to understand

Klass99:


You did the right thing Vyvyan, frequent calls in quick succession may come off as desperate or give the impression that his mother has sent him to try and get money. I am smiling at uncle's shenanigans, he must still be in church till now.

Someone once told me that you can pretty much tell where people place you in their lives, by the way they treat your phone calls (voice or video)

Your son will learn the hard way but don't try to shield him unnecessarily from the hurt and pain, it is a very normal part of life and living, it is useful for growth and maturity.

What do you know of your ex's life in Italy? Is he remarried with a new family? How many years has it been now since he abandoned all of you?

Thank you he is a big boy now , I want him to learn the hard way so tommorow he will not blame me for his father's mistakes and my hands are open to support him. He left in 2013 when I was pregnant with our second child, my son said he will ask him if he have a wife or children over there but since they haven't spoken yet I don't know if he is married or have children there.

Saintmary:


If I were in your shoes, I would tell my son to delay contact with his father, then I'll enroll him to learn a skill.


Only when he has become financially stable will he be allowed to have a relationship with him, it's more difficult to manipulate a man who feeds himself.

Truth is the boy will contact his Dad with or without her permission if she keeps preventing him. Kids can access facebook from anywhere including neighbors, school and church friends. She is even lucky he asked first, which shows he's s a good boy but the truth is curiousity may not let him be that good boy for long if she keeps preventing him. Not this generation of kids and smart phones everywhere. Let her allow him contact his father, that way she will still hav a little control over him and she might be lucky he will tell her whatever they discuss but preventing him and he contacts him outisde without ur knowledge, it will be very difficult to get him under ur control and u might even give the Dad the opportunity of brainwashing him.

On a second thought, the man might not even want to keep in touch with him especially if his italian family is not aware of his Nigerian wife and kids. So still allow him, at least that way the boy will kno the father hes killing himsef over is not even worth the stress. In summary, Madam allow him talk to the Dad, its also for u and his good cos u dont even kno what the boy is going thru inside. Your son still loves you irrespective of wanting to reach his Dad hence his swwking permission, dont make him start keeping thgs away from u and talking to outsiders. 15yrs is no longer a child so dont do things that will make your child start hiding things from u. All the best