[i][/i]A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.” But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

[i][/i]Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Some time in the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson up and said, “Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes asked, “And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson replied, “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.”
Holmes said, “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

Two men walk into a bar. One says, “I’ll have some H2O.”
The other says, “I’ll have some H2O, too.”
The second man died.

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

Sprinklepee:
[i][/i]A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.” But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

Sarcasm.

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are standing in front of an empty house. They all observe two people walk in, and three people walk out. The biologist tries to explain the phenomenon by stating, “Well, they must have reproduced.” The physicist offers a different explanation, “There must have been an error in measurement.” Then, the mathematician says, “If one more person walks in, then the house will be empty again.”

Queue is spelled just with Q and four silent letters.
No, it’s not. They’re just waiting their turn.

Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy.
After years of peaceful co-existence, the Amati family decided to put a sign in their shop window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.”
The Guarneri family soon put a sign in their window proclaiming: “We make the best violins in the world.”
Finally, the Stradivarius family posted this sign outside their shop: “We make the best violins on the block.”

What’s the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”

Sprinklepee:
Two men walk into a bar. One says, “I’ll have some H2O.”
The other says, “I’ll have some H2O, too.”
The second man died.

H2O too was mistaken for H2O2 which is hydrogen peroxide. That explains why he died.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.

Sprinklepee:
Queue is spelled just with Q and four silent letters.
No, it’s not. They’re just waiting their turn.

I got that.

Sprinklepee:
What’s the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”

The plumber would pronounce it as 'u-nio-nized' while the chemist would pronounce it as 'un-io-nized'

I think I deserve a cold bottle of Budweiser. Don't you think?

matrix199:



H2O too was mistaken for H2O2 which is hydrogen peroxide. That explains why he died.

it wasn't mistaken, the first guy was an Assassin.

matrix199:
I think I deserve a cold bottle of Budweiser. Don't you think?

you deserve it op

falcon01:
it wasn't mistaken, the first guy was an Assassin.

really??