Her first husband called her “The most beautiful girl in Nigeria”, love-bombing her before making her his third wife then only interacting with her for sex. She was 19; he was 39. By 22, she had two children she couldn’t tell her second husband about.

First things first, marrying at 19 seems like a Gen X thing to do—
I was in love. Or I thought I was. It turned out to be toxic, and people now say he “groomed” me. It’s so upsetting to hear it, but maybe it’s true.

Why do people say so?
I was 19, and he was 39. Also, he already had two wives living in separate houses, but he was open about being married to them. He didn’t hide one wife or anything. He’s a popular big man in Ilorin.

Your parents allowed this to happen?
No shade at my parents, but they saw the money. I also insisted that I loved him and didn’t mind being a third wife. He was very caring and gave me everything I asked for. I know people will say I also saw the money, but honestly, he used to talk to me like I was a person. He’d make me feel smart and special, unlike other adults who naturally talk down on younger people and treat them like they don’t know anything. I could really be myself around him.

How did you meet him?
At a big family get-together to mark the 20th anniversary of my late grandfather’s death in 2012. He came to honour the invitation of my uncle who was his childhood friend. I was introduced to him the way they always introduce the young people in the family — someone called me to come and kneel and greet an important guest. I’d just turned 18 then.

I remember when he saw me, he called me “The most beautiful girl in Nigeria”. He called me that till we separated years later.

And how did the relationship start?
He must’ve collected my number from a family member because he called me later in the evening. He told me he’d love us to get to know each other, so I should save his number. Then he started sending me expensive gifts: he changed my Nokia to the latest Blackberry and bought me a MacBook when I said I was about to start school.

The relationship really started when I got into Unilorin later in 2012. He’d visit me on campus every week, bringing foodstuff and toiletries in bulk. At the end of my first year, he bought me a Toyota RAV4 because I had a first-class result.

Did you know he had two wives at this point?
Yes. I also met his first wife at the event I met him; she was very nice to me. At some point during the first year we met and started talking, he informed me about his second wife. He said they couldn’t wait to meet me.

At what point did he mention that he wanted to marry you too?
The first time he came to visit me in school. He told me, “I don’t date for fun. I want you to be my wife whenever you’re ready. If you don’t want that, tell me now and I’ll leave you alone.”

He even said once I gave him permission, he’d let my father know his intentions. At that age, I found his interest exciting and romantic, to be approached by someone so sure of what he wanted. He made me feel comfortable and secure.

I told him I was ready to marry him when I entered my second year, so we had a traditional wedding after the first semester.

It was a great thing we didn’t do a court or white wedding.

Why?
It was easier to get a divorce three years later.

Ah
Yes o. Married life was too chaotic for me. I always had to be available whenever he wanted — for sex, to accompany him to events, to travel. I had to relate with his other wives and extended family, who all always wanted one thing or the other from me: my time, food, a room in my house, the list was long.

I was in school for most of the marriage, but I moved into his main house after the wedding, and it became almost impossible to balance being his wife with my studies. One day, I realised I barely had a life. I no longer had time for myself, talk less of book. I was lucky to have graduated with a 2:1.

Was he still supportive, at least?
By 2015, the second year of our marriage, he was suddenly never there for me except when he wanted sex. He never touched me before we got married, but as soon as I moved in, sex was all he wanted. I had my first child with him in the same year I’d just turned 21.

Now, he was too busy with his business to have time for me. He even told me that I was a wife and mother and shouldn’t be expecting his attention every time like he was still toasting me. Somehow, I took that as a challenge to behave more maturely and becoming of a married woman. But mehn, I was so lonely.

If you’d like to be my next subject on #WhatSheSaid, click here to tell me why

What about your friends?
My friends gave me gap. They were still friendly and especially liked when I could fund our girls’ trips now and then. But they also said I was no longer fun to hang out with or willing to do the exciting things young girls do, like attending parties. I always had to consider my husband and baby. Soon, they became busy with their own lives; most ended up moving to Lagos.

My family members were the same. I was a married woman now, so I couldn’t just be showing up at my father’s house to gist with my siblings. I was miserable in my big house with so many responsibilities. Then I had my second child — a son — five months after the first.

When did you decide on a divorce?
After my son’s first birthday in 2017. My husband was hardly ever home. He just came and spent less than an hour at our son’s birthday celebration — you won’t even see him in any of the pictures we took that day.

He’d moved to Abuja without me, and I didn’t know whether he was courting a new wife. He ended up marrying again sometime in 2018. He has five wives now.

Around that time, I used to just sit in bed and cry a lot. All the initial euphoria had faded, and I was a mother of two, living with house staff in a big house and nothing to do. My young mind couldn’t understand why my husband no longer wanted to stay home or spend time with me. I didn’t even have the motivation to start job hunting. My mum would laugh at me about complaining despite not lacking anything.

How did the divorce idea come up?
By chance, I started confiding in one of my older family friends who was a marriage counsellor, and he advised me that my husband’s absence was one of the major concrete grounds for divorce in Nigeria. He thought I needed it because I was exhibiting signs of depression.

My parents were against it because he was sending me money every month and paying all the bills. They also thought that if he died, I’d have a right to his assets. Of course, that wasn’t true since the man was smart enough not to marry any of his wives in court.

Sigh. If you didn’t marry in court, why then did you need a divorce?
I still needed a customary divorce, so I wouldn’t have any issues when I wanted to remarry. And I’m glad I did that because I’ve heard some husbands will take all kinds of contentions to a customary court when they find out their wives want to marry another man.

Because I didn’t need to do a statutory divorce like for my second marriage, it took three months to finalise the whole thing. My ex-husband’s only term was keeping his son. When I agreed to that, he signed everything. I never even had to meet or talk to him directly. But he also wasn’t obligated to give me any more money or pay for child support.

Wow. You mentioned a second marriage and divorce?
Yes, you would think I learnt from the first one and thought twice before jumping into another marriage and doing a court wedding. Ah. The second divorce was bloody.

Read full story here: https://www.zikoko.com/her/what-she-said/what-she-said-i-was-twice-divorced-at-28-and-happier-than-ever/

BigCabal:
Her first husband called her “The most beautiful girl in Nigeria”, love-bombing her before making her his third wife then only interacting with her for sex. She was 19; he was 39. By 22, she had two children she couldn’t tell her second husband about.

Regina Daniels story.... ah no, her husband is much older.

Pikin wey like sugar daddy eyes dey see fa . I just dont understand the zeal for older partner like that....20yrs!

And he had a full house already o . I am sure they are Mus.lims.

Meanwhile, no need to read the second part, them no dey quick lean like that

sisisioge:
Pikin wey like sugar daddy eyes dey see fa . I just dont understand the zeal for older partner like that....20yrs!
And he had a full house already o . I am sure they are Mus.lims.
Meanwhile, no need to read the second part, them no dey quick lean like that

i am also surprised that a 19yr old wanna be a 3rd wife to a 39yr old man... i guess money/sex is the only thing they had in "common".
i guess in these difficult economic times, a rich husband is better than nothing.
to each their own misery.

Klass99:


Read the second part it is more dramatic and interesting than part one.

@ Bigcabal, I am bookmarking your site. I like that the site is secure and it's a safe space for women to share their true life stories. These stories are true, right? And not nicely written fiction?

Ok o, I will. The girl had it coming sha....19yrs old 3rd wifey

Klass99:


Don’t we all wish we could redo our teenage or earlier years with the wisdom we gain as adults?

👆 This is one of the reasons I am not a fan of early marriages for young girls. Her first hubby was even good in the sense that he was a diligent provider.

Imagine if he wasn't! She would have experienced more misery, after he took her youth and used her body well to satisfy his sexual needs. Only to move on to his next conquest and wife.

I like that he took charge and took care of their 2 kids after the divorce. He knew he was in a better position (financially) to do that and he stepped up. Some men out of spite and in a bid to pepper you will ask you to take your children and leave, after all I didn't divorce you, you are the one who wants to go.

Hmmmm....in a way you have a point with the first paragraph but majority of us didnt think getting married was the in-thing at 19yrs. Our frivolity was more on cloths, shoes, education and the likes. And imagine her having the mind to marry someone with 2 wives already!

Anyways, good that he took care of their children o but don't forget that small mommy ended up birthing kids she didnt help raise. He practically took that away and she was happy to let go too. What kind of mother leave 2 young kids for others to raise? Apart from the money the husband would have contributed, I'm sure maids and perhaps the other wives would have been the ones raising her kids. Only Gid knows how those poor children would have fared. It is well.

I will read the second part shortly.

Modified

Just read the second part. Imagine o, aunty didnt tell her new husband about the other two kids before getting married! Haaa, talk about not declaring assets! Sebi one babe did it here sometime ago and it didnt end well for her....marriage based on lies couldnt survive the test of time fa. It is well.

Meanwhile, I still feel for her other kids whom she has no connection with. It is well. May we not make the wrong choices in this dear life and I hope her new found happiness stays with her.

But having a second child 5 months after the first one, abeg how una dey do that one ?

BigCabal:

What’s life like for you now, considering these experiences?

I’d say my life is normal for the first time in forever. Moving forward in life is what occupies my mind now. I’m juggling a master’s program with nursing a toddler where there’s nothing like nanny or family assistance. I have to pay for the expensive daycare at the university, so I got a remote job as a virtual assistant to help with funds. 

But still, I feel free mentally, like I have nothing to worry about anymore. I’m finally in charge of my own life. I miss my older children though, and sometimes, regret leaving them behind, but their father is spoiling them rotten, so my mind is at rest

I do hope there is great truth to this part of her story though.

Klass99:


@ The first bolded - You are absolutely right o.

@ The second bolded - The kind of mother who recognises that she lacks the ability to do so. Let's be real, children are expensive to maintain and train. It doesn't make sense to take them along with you, when you don't have the financial power to cater for them. She didn't climb on top of herself to conceive them, why should she be soley or primarily responsible for them?

I like that she let her husband have the children. He was better placed to do right by them than she was. There should be no sentiments, maternal arguments or manipulations involved in these things, just common sense and a solution that makes the best sense for children.

@ The third bolded - Lol you are so dramatic Sisi. Men do that sort of thing all the time but expect women to forgive and forget. While also assuming they've married you and impregnated you, so you can't leave. At least she had enough sense to end the marriage herself when the truth was exposed (I applaud that) A man will go and recruit his entire lineage, pastor, imam, church and mosque folks......to prevail upon his wife and persuade her not to leave him in spite of his deceit in a similar situation. That's just manipulative and selfish if you ask me, they never think I messed up and I should allow this person decide what she wants, without pressure or undue influence from others.

Her other kids, from her narrative, are doing well and being spoilt rotten by their father. They turned out just fine and it doesn't matter who raised them, because they are doing just fine.

Hmmmm....when I suggested that she shouldn't have relinquished raising her children to her husband, it was with the expectation that the guy would continue to pay for their kids' keep like a lot of kids being raised by mothers who are separated from their fathers. Besides, she mentioned that he was only providing not available even when she was married to him. What would have changed? Honestly, if you read between the lines you would see that she's very detached from them. First child was barely 1yo when she left him, the second was left with her parents before she was 3yo. It is safe to assumed that daddy just supplies the money just the way he did when she was with him. He spoiled her with money but she was still unhappy solely because he wasnt there. It is well sha, every mallam to his kettle. May God take care of the kids and everyone of us.

As for not telling the guy about her kids before marriage....honestly, she had her troubles coming. Besides, since the dude mentioned in court that he wasnt interested in divorcing her, maybe she too should have employed the help of all the "pacifiers" to pacify the guy but she was more interested in divorcing him. Imagine the embarrassment, she forgot to mention it to him until the bubble busted in a party filled with in laws and other gossips. Even as a woman, if my partner does that to me, na to divorce his sorry azzz. In her case, she was the one doing the divorcing...

Meanwhile, e be like say I'm already prejudiced towards the little madam. I feel she was an opportunist that cared only about herself and the last baby.... soon enough, the other kids will be grown enough to air their opinions. It is well.

I love zikoko♥️♥️

I wouldn’t blame her because she was young and naive. Her parents and everyone around should have looked out for her. Like what type of relationship do they expect between her and a man who’s divided between multiple businesses and women?


I do blame her for rushing into a second marriage after that though. Like she learned nothing the first time around.

Klass99:


@ The first bolded - Motherhood is not for everyone and just because we have the equipment for it (a vjay, a womb, boobs & uterus) doesn't mean we all have the disposition for it. The sooner we accept this as women, the quicker we will spare ourselves and others a lifetime of misery. Especially for women who have doubts or reservations about motherhood and women who know they have no business being a mother, but they do what is expected of them by relatives/society.

The first hubby attached conditions to her divorce petition. He said he would grant her the divorce if she left their son with him and he would no longer pay her bills or send a monthly allowance. In spite of their daughter being with her and she not having a job, business or income source. It was only later uncle came for the daughter. He had all the aces.

Kai Sisi you amuse me to no end . Second hubby claimed he didn't want a divorce because he wanted to keep her locked down where he could pepper her and deal with her for the deceit. His hostility was so bad she first moved out before initiating a divorce. He lied in court hoping to draw out the case and further pepper her in the process. Which Nigerian man will want to stay married to you after finding out that sort of thing? She made the right move abeg, otherwise she may have spent the rest of her married life begging and being punished or mistreated for that one issue. She was smart to know there's no coming back from some mistakes and cutting ties is the best way forward.

Me, I like the little madam sha. There's a working brain in that head of her's and she knows when to take a bow from messed up situations.

Ok o....me sha do not like her approaches. They were mostly too selfish. Let me stop arguing her case.....all should be well now that she's older and wiser.

Klass99:


She didn't sit around enduring, fasting and praying either. She took necessary action.

this part

udede:
But having a second child 5 months after the first one, abeg how una dey do that one ?

Fiction written by a man. Forgots to do his math well.
Story makes no sense.

They should try to depict realistic scenarios, thoughts and actions.

Let every girl learn. Times have changed

Congratulations 🎉