Curiouscity:
■ Please, I need everyone in the family section to give their view on this. There seems to be a trend in modern day marriages, where everything is about "what makes me happy ". I have a few questions
1. What is loyalty in a committed relationship like marriage?
2. Is loyalty expected in modern day marriage?
3. Can there be love without loyalty?
■ There is a couple going through a rough patch in their marriage. The major issue is that one of them regards outsiders' opinion more the partner's. They can discuss and sometimes agree to do something a certain way, but one person will do it the opposite way. When investigated, it will be discovered that the brothers/parent of the defaulting partner countered the couple's decisions. Yet the other partner wasn't informed.
■ More explicitly, the guy may tell his wife, let's do so and so. The wife will oppose it. But if another person, sometimes the husband's friend, make same suggestion, the wife will jump on that same idea, and pester the guy to do it. The couple can have a discussion that is supposed to be private, sometimes just mere couples gossip, but one way or the other, that discussion will get to the wife's family. Yet the wife keep "singing" how she loves her husband. The examples above can be reverse, where the guy is the disloyal spouse.

4. How do you handle disloyalty between couples?

Kobojunkie:
1. What exactly do you mean by loyalty in marriage? Do you mean the traditional idea of the woman always doing the bidding of the man because he is head of household and believes it always has to be his way? Or do you mean two partners together reaching an agreement as far as that which benefits them both in the relationship and sticking to the terms of the agreement reached in this case?

2. There you have your problem. In the case, that a different approach has been suggested, the couple must then come back to the table again in order to renegotiate and reach a new agreement in that case.

3. The husband and wife aren't operating as an effective team in that case. To bring them both back to the same page may I suggest professional marriage counseling because they obviously don't operate as a team should.

4. A marriage is meant as an agreement between a man and a woman. When they don't both agree, they can't both work effectively for the health of the relationship. Again, I suggest professional marriage counseling.

Curiouscity:
■ You seem to suggest marriage counseling for almost every marital challenges. These services though good, they don't work as silver bullets.
■ If the partners are not willing to work things out, counseling is useless. In my opinion, a counselor serves as a guide to people willingly seeking solutions. If one person believes nothing is wrong,then there is nothing a counselor can do.
■ Secondly, how many professionally trained counselors do we have in Nigeria.
■The few we have are tainted with religious biases.

Divoc19:
■ Marriage is suppose to complete you by bringing out the best in you... Not a battlefield like your scholars make you believe. We make poor choices about anything in life marriage is not an exemption.

Kobojunkie:
1. So, you believe people weren't born whole from their mother's wombs?

Divoc19:
■ There is someone out there that was created for you.

It can be a long answer but i’ll try to keep it as short AP.

I am of course a male.

While doing Engineering in an IIT i got proposed by a girl from a different college who attended our fest. It was a yes from me and slowly i fell in ‘love’ with that girl. ‘love’ because, gradually, it became a very important thing to me and not just a casual relationship. I had never ever been in a relationship before that.

It had been just 2 months of our relation when i went home during holidays. We used to speak on the phone. But as i was at home we couldn’t talk much. One day she told me she’s going to kolkata to her aunt’s place. Christmas time. What problem could i have in that. Time was good. After my vacations were over i went to meet her. We decided to meet in kolkata only. We booked a room. i was a simple lad from a ‘sanskari’ background and couldn’t think about having physical intimacy with her while we were alone in that room. Friendly chat was going on when someone rang the room bell. I came outside to see. It was a guy and was very angry. I came to know that he is her BF. He had come to know that she’s here to spend the night with another guy(me) in a hotel room. He was a localite and could have easily crushed me down and there. But he could make out that i had no idea what was going on. I also came to know that when she told me about going to her aunt’s place she was actually staying with this guy in a hotel.

Very disheartning. Very painful. Lies and cheating in a relationship are very painful. What happened for the next two months is a huge drama and has no place in this answer.

SO, this is a woman cheating.

When heart broken and depressed, i was trying to get my life back on track another girl came in my life, who gave me a lot of support. She was a girl from my college only. Things went well between us and we used to hang out a lot. Life suddenly became more beautiful. I realised that being with the wrong person doesn’t mean all are bad. I thought relationships are good. I had started hating girls but now that was over.

We went out on a trip. we were alone. I was also a grown up by then. Moments became intimate and we had sex. That was the next level. Yes. Really brought me close to her. On our second trip while we were in a room and after dinner i was just feeling cosy with her in bed she got a call. She avoided it. It happened many times. I asked her whats the matter, but she asked me to ignore it. OK. Next day while she was not around her cell phone rang. I picked up the call. It was her sister. She didnt know me and i didnt know her either. I told her sister that i am her friend. And her sister said - tell her that her BF is getting really worried about her. She’s not picking up the calls since last night. Goddammit. Cant explain what was going through in my life. on asking for explanation i came to know that she had been in a relationship with him for past 4 years! And intends to get married to him.

She gave me a lot of explanations which may seem genuine to people but as far as i am concerned there is no excuse to cheating whether in a relationship or some other thing. Cheating is cheating.

So, the second woman cheating.

Having had experiences like these i can easily ask that why do women cheat??

But that would not be wise enough of me. People cheat. And explanation is not that they cheat because they need emotional or physical support. They cheat because they don’t have any morals. They cheat because they don’t have self respect. Those people who don’t have self respect have nothing in life. And the problem is, most people these days don’t have self respect and morals. Going against values is the fashion these days. May be, that makes you modern. But that is also taking away faith from humanity.
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Kobojunkie:
1. What exactly do you mean by loyalty in marriage? Do you mean the traditional idea of the woman always doing the bidding of the man because he is head of household and believes it always has to be his way? Or do you mean two partners together reaching an agreement as far as that which benefits them both in the relationship and sticking to the terms of the agreement reached in this case?

2. There you have your problem. In the case, that a different approach has been suggested, the couple must then come back to the table again in order to renegotiate and reach a new agreement in that case.

3. The husband and wife aren't operating as an effective team in that case. To bring them both back to the same page may I suggest professional marriage counseling because they obviously don't operate as a team should.

4. A marriage is meant as an agreement between a man and a woman. When they don't both agree, they can't both work effectively for the health of the relationship. Again, I suggest professional marriage counseling.

Kobojunkie:
1. It is all these nonsense lies we feed ourselves that cause a lot of the problems folks have in relationships abeg!

So, what happens when this person created for you turns out to be just another one of the billions of arseholes walking on the earth? Do you remain attached to the eejit because you need to be completed by such a one then?

Adejobiad:
For this modern day marriage, everybody na boss

sukkot:
that thing called loyalty is by the grace of GOD. naturally nobody is loyal after see finish