I am so scared to do this, because I'm a new "guest" in your "home" but here I go.

Okay, I'm an AA woman that was approached by a Nigerian man on a dating site. He swept me off my feet, he was so gentlemanly and almost perfect and attentive. Now, before you assume he was running a game, he already has a green card, so that's not an issue. Also, he's never been married, no kids, so there's no issues/games with that.

See, I was led to this forum because I wanted to learn about him, and your culture. I have been exposed a bit to Nigerians, but never on this level. I have been lurking here, and I love it. I know a lot of you don't like AA's, but I believe it's because you don't know, or haven't been exposed to the decent, classy, intelligent ones. Please don't judge us by BET, videos, etc,

Anyway, there are certain nuances about the Nigerian man, and certain thoughts about AA women that I was ignorant to. To make a very long story kind of short, let's just say I acted at times way too brash, to "in your face", I was trying to be "so strong, a strong sistah". That was totally the wrong approach. There were incidents that I have, and still am very embarrased to have been so dramatic and immature. And I can't take it back

At the same time, to make his story kind of short, he was very duplicitous. He liked me, he was interested. But he (I feel) played a lot of silly "cat and mouse" games with me. I could go into detail, but I don't want to give the readers a headache! Let's just say I felt like he wanted me "there" when he was ready for me, but really didn't want me "there". He chastised me on my past "baggage", but he carried sooooo much baggage, it's not even funny. Lots of things made no sense and I was tired of jumping through hoops to be good enough to win his heart.

The final straw came one night when I called. He was so cold and rude to me. I had enough. I had put up with his crap because , it's hard to say because God forbid he's reading this. But let's just say I had never met someone of his caliber, intellectual wisdom, I had never met anyone like him before, and based on how we met, I probably won't again.

I cut him off. My self esteem and self respect were on the line, and I had to reclaim those for myself. And he has yet to apologize. He made me feel like a pain in his rear, though I know I wasn't.

So what's the problem you ask? I'm not over him. I believe people can change. I know I can't make him change, but , I used to not have such a great character. I really had to change some things. I've hurt people in the past. So, I always try to give people a chance at redemption because I know how it feels to need it.

Now, I dare not throw myself at this man. But is it wrong for me to hope he will change his immature, self-absorbed, egotistical character? He really is a great person, I thought the world of him. But he needs an attitude adjustment, for real.

I don't want to be proud, and miss out on a great man. But can he get past himself to see my greatness too?

Am I even making sense?

I know I'm a great woman, but then, I ask myself why do I want to be with a Nigerian man? Chances are, even if he likes or loves me, I might not win over his family and friends simply because of who I am (AA). I know a lot of Nigerians think we (AAs) are not good enough. This hurts.

Again, guys like him don't come along every day AT ALL!!! How can I swallow my pride, and leave the door open for him when and if he changes, without sacrificing my dignity?

drkchoclit:

Anyway, there are certain nuances about the Nigerian man, and certain thoughts about AA women that I was ignorant to. To make a very long story kind of short, let's just say I acted at times way too brash, to "in your face", I was trying to be "so strong, a strong sistah". That was totally the wrong approach. There were incidents that I have, and still am very embarrased to have been so dramatic and immature. And I can't take it back

i'm glad you realised that early enough. A nigerian man is not used to such attitude from a woman, if you behaved like that to him in the presence of his friends and family, consider urself out of his reach.

drkchoclit:

. But is it wrong for me to hope he will change his immature, self-absorbed, egotistical character?

Well that's 90% of Nigerian men for you so hoping for a "change" is pretty pointless.

Btw how you seen his green card?

Well that's 90% of Nigerian men for you so hoping for a "change" is pretty pointless.

Are you saying that there is a 90% probability that your dad,like all the men in your family,is immature,self-absorbed and egotistical in character?

@topic

Its a falsehood most women share,that they can change their man/he will change in the course of their relationship.That's effectively were you are going.You want to carry on a relationship on the basis that your man will change.Don't bother yourself

davidylan:

i'm glad you realised that early enough. A nigerian man is not used to such attitude from a woman, if you behaved like that to him in the presence of his friends and family, consider yourself out of his reach.

Well no, his family isn't here in the states, and this was via email. And I did apologize. As a matter of fact, when I told him I wouldn't contact him, I thanked him for being in my life, and all the lessons that I learned from him about myself. One of the things is, I told him I learned that I don't need to be so confrontational, to pick my battles, and that a graceful, quiet strength can be just as powerful.

See, he had such an impact on me, and I wasn't ashamed to let him know. I just wish I had the same on him.

@Topic

This is an experiment that went badly wrong.

A square peg in a round hole? Hopeless.

You won't change enough for him and he won't change enough enough for you either.  

It seems both of you are in a  parallel world, its only on a dating site that two of

you could meet.

My dad and brother are part of the 10%, 4Play  

however you are right about it being pointless in trying to change the dude.

drkchoclit:

Well no, his family isn't here in the states, and this was via email. And I did apologize. As a matter of fact, when I told him I wouldn't contact him, I thanked him for being in my life, and all the lessons that I learned from him about myself. One of the things is, I told him I learned that I don't need to be so confrontational, to pick my battles, and that a graceful, quiet strength can be just as powerful.

See, he had such an impact on me, and I wasn't ashamed to let him know. I just wish I had the same on him.

If this is all you pick from the relationship then you have learned a vital lesson that will only enrich your next relationship. It is not likely that you will get him back, it looks like not just you but he also had serious personal issues. Sometimes relationships are not the place for us to bury our personal demons, pick your head up, forget the guy and move on.

It doesnt seem as if he really appreciated you that much. Did you guys ever meet?

@I-man

I can't believe that 90% are like that. I've read the post here. There are women saying their men, husbands are so tender,loving, and giving.

I think Nigerians have a depth that is so heart-warming. Am I wrong in this observation?

Many women are happy with their Naija men. If what you say is true, what does this say about the women, the families of these men?

davidylan:

If this is all you pick from the relationship then you have learned a vital lesson that will only enrich your next relationship. It is not likely that you will get him back, it looks like not just you but he also had serious personal issues. Sometimes relationships are not the place for us to bury our personal demons, pick your head up, forget the guy and move on.

It doesnt seem as if he really appreciated you that much. Did you guys ever meet?

Yes, we did meet once. We had a very light-hearted, fun date. He kissed me, and it was one of the best I've had, and the most sweet. It was just so sweet in nature, all of it. That is, the date was.

drkchoclit:

@I-man

I can't believe that 90% are like that. I've read the post here. There are women saying their men, husbands are so tender,loving, and giving.

Rofl. Are they gonna say otherwise on a forum that their husbands can easily gain access to?

drkchoclit:

Yes, we did meet once. We had a very light-hearted, fun date. He kissed me, and it was one of the best I've had, and the most sweet. It was just so sweet in nature, all of it. That is, the date was.

awwww sorry dear, you're just going to have to deal with the fact that you wont be kissing him again anytime soon. There are many other men around if only you can get this fellow off your mind. It's odd that a man who truly claims to love you would be cold and rude to you. perhaps he's found someone else. Many nigerian men only seriously think of settling down with a nigerian not an AA.

davidylan:

perhaps he's found someone else. Many nigerian men only seriously think of settling down with a nigerian not an AA.

Seriously. Not sure why these women just dont understand that.

@Thief

ROFL!!!!! I didn't think about that. Silly me, LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

@Davidylan

Now, he never lied and said he loved me, just "like you a lot". But yes, there was a lot of confusion.

Well as to  your second point, he knew who I was when he toasted me. And no, it wasn't about the sex, that never happened, he never intiated though I know for sure he was attracted. He didn't want to use me in that way.

Anyway, if you go to the grocery store, and you select the fruit, don't expect it to taste like steak, right?

@ Thief

What is there to understand? Are we putting guns to their heads to come to us? If you really don't want something, or someone, stay away in the first place!

drkchoclit:

@Davidylan

Now, he never lied and said he loved me, just "like you a lot". But yes, there was a lot of confusion.

Well as to  your second point, he knew who I was when he toasted me. And no, it wasn't about the sex, that never happened, he never intiated though I know for sure he was attracted. He didn't want to use me in that way.

Anyway, if you go to the grocery store, and you select the fruit, don't expect it to taste like steak, right?

"I like you a lot" is a great way of saying "i'm attracted for now but i'm not sure if i want to make a firm commitment yet but since you need to hear something to make you hang around until i can figure out what i want, so be it".
Of course sex could not have been a part of it since you only met once.

Get over it, yes he was attracted but i believe he has another nigerian girl somewhere.

(previous edited for privacy reasons)

And why is it so strange for a Naija man to "really" want (marry) an AA?

Because of what you see on TV or "da hood?" Come on now!

I really want to know why? After all, we're but a few generations from being a relative of yours/your people.

We didn't ask to be here, or to adopt American culture. We've done what we could. Could we do better? Yes!

But a lot of us are doing the best we can, and are doing great things, and are great people.

I have befriended and dated people of all races, nationalities, and at the end of the day I can really say, people are just people.

Sorry for the age thingy, i didnt think you'd be bothered.
yes we know we are all just people in the end but sometimes color is not the only thing men consider. Culture is very important to many Nigerian men especially for the most who will indirectly hope to have a wife who mirrors his mother's characteristics. I know i do fiind myself looking for part of my mom in girls i meet.

A Nigerian man wants a woman who understands him down to his roots, can speak the same local language as he does, cooks his local foods. When you talked about being abrasive that must have been an automatic red flag for him. It is easy to claim to have changed but we all know deep down that when the chips are down we will inadvertently revert to those same behaviours we thot were dead and buried.

We like AA's but deep down we will always have a preference for that woman whose culture and behaviour we most identify with. Sadly those women happen to be nigerians.

That's fair David, that makes sense. Like I said, I've dated the variety, but yes an AA man "gets" me the most, and feels most familiar.

But having said that, it would be silly of me to get upset at like say, a Latino or white guy for not living up to the expectations of an AA guy. You know what I mean?

BTW, can you modify your post to take my age out of it, pretty please?

Oh also, doesn't it say something that although there are lots that I don't know, I came to a good source to learn?
(this forum?)

I feel bad when things like this happens.
He probably doesn't like you anymore and he is trying to get away by all means, not because nigerians don't treat ladies well

u're right, the difference however is in the fact that relationships and ultimately marriage is intricately intertwined with family and culture. when a nigerian man is looking for a mate, he is not just looking for someone he loves but will be equally acceptable to his family. very many families i know of do not approve of foreign women.

, and so it goes I guess. Thanks for the insight.

just wondering why u keep using "AA',

its rare to see naija men settle down with AA women, unless the woman is ready to sacrifice everything for the guy,

My mom is an AA woman and has been married to my dad for like 30+ years, my mom left her country and family to be with my dad who was broke as hell in nigeria, and she has stayed with him through think and thin, had 6 grown kids and still happily married, my mom im so proud of her, has gotten involved in Naija culture to the point that i no longer see her as an AA woman, of course i am an AA woman too but i was born and raised in naija, and i prefer being called a Nigerian woman from Calabar.

my point is if you are ready to give up everything, then you might be ready to marry a Naija man

Could I give up everything? This can be answered in several ways.

I think a person should be willing to make sacrifices for love and family. In my particular case, I really have nothing to hold on to, only things to try to make a grab for.

I think Africans Americans, ( I have to say this gingerly) at the core don't have anything to hold on to, since our roots were stripped away from us.

Having said that, we have done a great job rising up from being stripped of all our (African) culture and humanity, to creating culture for ourselves; some might argue we are the world's culture in the arts. But, in a lot of ways we are still lost. I think on some level we will always be lost. There are lessons we still don't get, I don't know how to explain it fully. I love my people, but as far as we've come, we still have a long way to go, and I don't know if we will ever get there, if our wounds will ever be healed.

But I digress.

It would be challenging for me to live in Nigeria because I'm used to 24/7 water and electric for example. But millions of Nigerians get by without it (24/7 utilities). So it can be done.

If I felt strongly enough for my man, I would do it.  I would love for my children to live in the richness of the culture.

@Ima

You are half American. Were you raised in Nigeria then all your life?  What is your perspective as a woman understanding the Nigerian and the African American side. Do you love both, or one more? Why?

i was born and raised in naija for 17 years b4 i moved over here to study, but im going back to naija by the end of the year, i love being a naija woman, i tell anyone that asks that i am from naija, its not because i hate being known as an African American woman, but its just that there is more pride in being a nigerian woman. i appreciate my African American side but im not too use to it, i don't stay or visit my mom's family because i feel like i do not know them, but my dad's family i get along with them really well

but i do prefer being a nigerian.

To: Drkchoclit:

What interest me about your comments are the relationships between my people [Nigerians] and your people [African Americans]. I don't have any problems with them. I know 99.9% of them act in a hateful way towards me. In a way, they act like they are more hateful than the White man, but still I think the White man's hate is more poisonous. I haven't gotten into a fight with any of them yet. They just don’t get me. I would want to get to know them but they start acting some how and then I will back up. The guys and the girls act about the same. I know they are AA but some times I wonder how they know that I am not AA. Some of them will act nice as if I am AA, and when I speak, it rings something in their head and they will start acting the way the normally do.

In terms of a Nigerian dating AA lady. I have met some AA ladies that are really pretty physically, but their behaviors distance me from them. I prefer dating Black ladies. She must be Black or I aint interested. It seems like if you don't dress like a player or a gangster, most of the AA ladies won't even look at you or even want to get to know you. That's one of the reasons AA don't get along with me. When I wear expensive stuff with expensive cologne, then they will notice.

I am expected to go with a Nigerian lady. Parents see it as mandatory, I see it as a choice. No one tells me what to do including the government. But so far, I haven't met any AA lady whom I would have to say to my parents, look, I don't care what your culture is about, this lady is worth being with and your objection or her parents will not change it. She would have to understand first that Africans were sold to the White man as slaves. When they got to the U.S. they suffered for hundreds of years, which could have affected them genetically and mentally. She would have to calm down and know that because she was born in that culture doesn't mean that she is that culture. She would have to be willing to obey. No feminist. Sit, and she will sit, stand and she will stand without bitching about anything.

I know that there are some AA ladies in college that are pretty, well behaved and are willing to vacation in Nigeria once in a while. The problem is, most of them happen to have attitude because I am not them [AA] and some are feminist.

One time, I was arguing with this AA lady over the phone at my job. She said, ”I speak good English and you don’t.” I said well it depends on the meaning of English. She hung up. The British are the only ones that speak good English unless you speak like them. The people that speak more like the British are Africans. Americans claim that they speak good English, no, they are only speaking American English. Nigerian English sounds even better than American English. I have had numerous issues regarding AA claiming that they speak English and I don’t.

I can't say I have to go with a Nigerian lady, I don't even like most of their culture any ways. One thing I dislike about most Nigerian ladies are, they don't set high goals, they want to do what their aunty is doing or what their parents want them to do. I don't think that AA are lost. I see their ladies as Africans. They just have issue with me because I am African and that they happen to be born in a White mans land. That's it. Choosing between a Nigerian and African American lady is like 50% chance. That means there is going to be war if I chose to go with AA lady. The war is going to be between my parents and her parents, her people [AA] and me. It's going to be a long war. I am ready for it, any time.

@outlaws:

Well, I'm sorry you are feeling out of place with the AA students.  I don't know it it's this way in your culture, but for us, some of us are very spiteful or mistrusting if they don't feel you are "down" or "black" enough.

To which some of us would say to those people "What IS black enough"?

You know, part of my life was spent in a culturally mixed environment. So, I didn't learn the "urban" accent. I grew up around whites and mixed raced children as well. I caught hell whenever I did go to school with "urban black" kids.

Even now, I sound white. People are shocked when they see me in all my dark chocolate glory, lol!

There are lots of AA young ladies and women who would prove very worthy of bringing before your family.  It's often a matter of living in the right place, and looking in the right places for them.  It always kills me when a guy talks about meeting the wrong women, how messed up women are, but they look in clubs, get some "hooch" off the street, look at the "big butt and a smile" but they don't check out where her head is at, or get to know her heart.

I don't know if you plan on staying in the area that you go to school in. But, don't let the type of women in your area intimidate you or discourage you.

You know, because the US is so big and spread out, with so many sub-cultures, people find that to live how and around who they want, they have to move to other areas. Maybe the area in which you live isn't condusive to you.

I know what I want to say, but I don't know how to explain it simply.  I think part of the problem is that there is such an ingrained image of us, and yes SOME of us make it hard on ourselves, or for people to think well of us.

It's good to see though that you are willing to think for yourself on this, and that you are willing to have an open mind  

Again, guys like him don't come along every day AT ALL!!! How can I swallow my pride, and leave the door open for him when and if he changes, without sacrificing my dignity?

This is where the problem lies. The relationship might not work out after all. You seems to be too powerful for this guy, and hes's finding a way out of this affair as early as possible. And be warned! the parents might not welcome you too.

hey outlaw, I use to feel what u feel. Trust me, after sometimes they'll accept you the way you are.  I've been able to prove myself as the funniest without self-denigrating, the most romantic, without being a sucker for love. There are people who wont like you for being AFRICAN ( keep away from them ), some people will love you for being African, stick to them. There are good AAs and bad AAs, just move with the right people.

@ TOPIC
Try to talk to him, spend a log time talking. Tell him to tell you everything he is unhappy with, make amendments. Tell him things u'll  love him to change about himself.
I personally suspect he does not like you any longer, and he is trying to look for a WAY to break-up without breaking your heart. I think he is trying to annoy you till you 'get up and go'.

All said and done if things don't work out. MOVE ON

i dont understand the a bit in the damn story.

To: Drkchoclit:

Thanks.

@n-gauge

You are right, everyone was correct that posted in their own way, and I was silly to even make this post! Silly me, silly me. I was just venting, and now I'm ready to put my "big girl" pants back on. (be a grown up)

But on the other hand, I'm glad that I did post, because I've come to realize that I could never be taken seriously by him because the prejudice about AAs, especially the women just runs too deep.

I alway felt like on the one hand I wasn't good enough, and on the other hand like I was too much. And that wasn't fair to me. I'm not perfect, but I'm me, I'm great and I deserve to be treated well.

As far as getting away without breaking my heart, my heart never had to be engaged if he thought things through. A learning lesson for him I guess (I hope!)

Anyway, I learned a lot (more) about life, myself. Thanks to all that replied.