Hello nairalanders, please I need help on this situation. So I’m a lady in her mid 20’s. I’m actually very much set for marriage in the eyes of my family, since society deem it fit to place marriage as an achievement for women, and always bring up your age to remind you to. Anyways, it’s not a priority for me to get married now, as I feel like I’m not ready mentally,and I have a lot of trauma to work on, but I’m also open to it, if it’s in my face and ready. I don’t stay in Nigeria, so my family don’t know if I have a man in my life, so they decided upon themselves to introduce me to a man who is my uncle’s friend that stays in the same country as me. They were more focus on the fact that he comes from a neighboring village from us and that he was a doctor. (Meanwhile he’s actually a nurse, but he told them, that he was a doctor, he also never mentioned to them that he was married and had a child, before they decided to introduce him to me)

So we eventually started talking on WhatsApp, he saw some of my pictures already and he was mesmerized. In fact he was already kind of making me his wife in that moment. So one day he called me and we were just talking,and I heard like a toddler crying so bad and needed his attention, I asked him who was that , he told me it was his daughter, there was this awkward silence for almost five minutes of us not saying anything, so I told him I’ll call him back. I called my mother that day and was mad as hell, that they didn’t disclose such information to me, but from my mother’s reaction she had no idea, and she was also mad and she told me, she will call me back, so she could verify from my uncle, since that’s his friend. Even my uncle too had no idea. To cut the whole story short, he later called me the next day on a video call, and he started telling me about his wife( Yes! She’s still his wife, because I don’t think he has divorced her yet)and how abusive she was, and how he tried to make it work, but she was so crazy and stuff like that. That he’s actually trying to get shared custody of the child. That he’s no longer married to her. I was not really having it, because I just felt like he wasn’t being honest with certain things and on top of that his wife is still in the picture, and I don’t know if I want to settle for that. Also he just turned 40, and I’m 25. So the age gap is too much for me. Also I have not met him in real life, cause he stays in a different state from me, my family still wanted me to be open minded until I see him in person, then I could make a decision if I want him or not. He always sends me pictures of his daughter, and he recently sent me one with his first wife and daughter, I was surprised that he did, and he said he wanted to show me the daughter instead. I still felt like I didn’t need to see a picture of her. I started seeing the red flags of him that I couldn’t settle with. Also the way he talked about the wife was vulgar, and I felt like he didn’t need to tell me about her in that manner.

Now the most recent thing he started doing was sending me random stuff about marriage to my WhatsApp. I usually glance at it,and don’t reply, cause I don’t know why he’s sending me that. The one that gave me a major big red flag from him, is when he sent where Regina daniels( the actress who married Ned nwoko) was talking about marrying her husband a virgin and how it’s important to be a virgin. He then asked me if I was one. Honestly I felt really numb, because I don’t know why he will be asking me stuff like that, when he didn’t really get a respond back from me, he proceeded to send another message telling me, “No mind them sha, virgin no sabi. With a heart eye emoji. I was dumbfounded, I didn’t know how to reply to him anymore. I stopped picking up his calls and I have no intention to meet up with him anymore. Now my family is mad at me, saying that at least I should see him in person, but I don’t want to. In fact I’m no longer interested in him. Please am I wrong for feeling the way I feel? Thanks.

Your experience is one of the reasons to avoid dating older men. The generational gap is weird. Imagine the nonsense he is sending to you, a 40 year old man with many garbage, still virgin hunting while acting like a clueless toddler. He wants the Regina but can't be the Ned. Shame.

Calm down, you would find someone within your age group.

Acidosis:
Your experience is one of the reasons to avoid dating older men. The generational gap is weird. Imagine the nonsense he is sending to you, a 40 year old man with many garbage, still virgin hunting while acting like a clueless toddler. He wants the Regina but can't be the Ned. Shame.

Calm down, you would find someone within your age group.

Thank you!! I felt the age gap was too much and he was already coming for me in a weird manner. if I missed his calls. When I call him back, he starts being mad that I missed his calls, and it was not just normal calls, it was video calls, and I told him I didn’t like video calls, yet he will be blasting my phone unannounced with it.

Nengiraw:
Hello nairalanders, please I need help on this situation. So I’m a lady in her mid 20’s. I’m actually very much set for marriage in the eyes of my family, since society deem it fit to place marriage as an achievement for women, and always bring up your age to remind you to. Anyways, it’s not a priority for me to get married now, as I feel like I’m not ready mentally,and I have a lot of trauma to work on, but I’m also open to it, if it’s in my face and ready. I don’t stay in Nigeria, so my family don’t know if I have a man in my life, so they decided upon themselves to introduce me to a man who is my uncle’s friend that stays in the same country as me. They were more focus on the fact that he comes from a neighboring village from us and that he was a doctor. (Meanwhile he’s actually a nurse, but he told them, that he was a doctor, he also never mentioned to them that he was married and had a child, before they decided to introduce him to me)

So we eventually started talking on WhatsApp, he saw some of my pictures already and he was mesmerized. In fact he was already kind of making me his wife in that moment. So one day he called me and we were just talking,and I heard like a toddler crying so bad and needed his attention, I asked him who was that , he told me it was his daughter, there was this awkward silence for almost five minutes of us not saying anything, so I told him I’ll call him back. I called my mother that day and was mad as hell, that they didn’t disclose such information to me, but from my mother’s reaction she had no idea, and she was also mad and she told me, she will call me back, so she could verify from my uncle, since that’s his friend. Even my uncle too had no idea. To cut the whole story short, he later called me the next day on a video call, and he started telling me about his wife( Yes! She’s still his wife, because I don’t think he has divorced her yet)and how abusive she was, and how he tried to make it work, but she was so crazy and stuff like that. That he’s actually trying to get shared custody of the child. That he’s no longer married to her. I was not really having it, because I just felt like he wasn’t being honest with certain things and on top of that his wife is still in the picture, and I don’t know if I want to settle for that. Also he just turned 40, and I’m 25. So the age gap is too much for me. Also I have not met him in real life, cause he stays in a different state from me, my family still wanted me to be open minded until I see him in person, then I could make a decision if I want him or not. He always sends me pictures of his daughter, and he recently sent me one with his first wife and daughter, I was surprised that he did, and he said he wanted to show me the daughter instead. I still felt like I didn’t need to see a picture of her. I started seeing the red flags of him that I couldn’t settle with. Also the way he talked about the wife was vulgar, and I felt like he didn’t need to tell me about her in that manner.

Now the most recent thing he started doing was sending me random stuff about marriage to my WhatsApp. I usually glance at it,and don’t reply, cause I don’t know why he’s sending me that. The one that gave me a major big red flag from him, is when he sent where Regina daniels( the actress who married Ned nwoko) was talking about marrying her husband a virgin and how it’s important to be a virgin. He then asked me if I was one. Honestly I felt really numb, because I don’t know why he will be asking me stuff like that, when he didn’t really get a respond back from me, he proceeded to send another message telling me, “No mind them sha, virgin no sabi. With a heart eye emoji. I was dumbfounded, I didn’t know how to reply to him anymore. I stopped picking up his calls and I have no intention to meet up with him anymore. Now my family is mad at me, saying that at least I should see him in person, but I don’t want to. In fact I’m no longer interested in him. Please am I wrong for feeling the way I feel? Thanks.

.

Ehn no wahala na, he's free to marry more than one wife, but your mom might be against it, which I understand but that doesn't make him a bad person...

did he hide this fact from you?

is he a good person?

is his family well-to-do?

is he treating his wife and family well?

does he have the potentials of a leader?

what is the relationship between him and his previous wife and does she know? are they still together?

if you answered yes to all these questions, you have nothing to worry about... but if you answered no, move on.. it's better to marry a faithful married man, than a deadbeat or toxic single man... As long as his wife knows about it, then you have nothing to worry about... if you were my sister, I would advice you the same... his intentions for not telling them earlier if he was married might be because he knew what your possible reaction would be especially when you guys haven't met, so he wanted you guys to meet before he made things clear to you, he didn't lie to them, he just didn't made mentioned of it until it was time for you to know... and he didn't lie to you when you asked...

most women needs to get off the delusion that they must marry a single man... we have less good and responsible men who are ready or even interested in marriage now.. if you're lucky to find one, you better hold him tight and treat him well irrespective of whether he's married or not, there's no harm in being a second or third wife... you can be number 3 and even be at peace than someone that call herself number one but her husband keeps frolicking with additional 7 ladies and prostitutes with no peace of mind... your choice... I respect men who married more than one wife legally than men who married one but keeps womanising... those second category of men take care of the concubines outside than their homes and children...

Has he ever told you " where were you all these while? I wish I met you before my wife?"
After reading all what you wrote my advice is
1. Don't allow your parents to pressurise you into getting married to who you do not love.
2. Be bold enough to speak your mind.

Reminderz:
Ehn no wahala na, he's free to marry more than one wife, but your mom might be against it, which I understand but that doesn't make him a bad person...

did he hide this fact from you?

is he a good person?

is his family well-to-do?

is he treating his wife and family well?

if you answered yes to all these questions, you have nothing to worry about... it's better to marry a faithful married man, than a deadbeat single man... As long as his wife knows about it, then you have nothing to worry about...

I can’t really answer all that, he is still keeping me in a loophole, but the daughter part, he said he wanted me to know, that’s why he was in the room with her, when she was crying so I would hear her.

Ahmed0336:
Has he ever told you " where were you all these while? I wish I met you before my wife?"

lol definitely did, when he saw my pictures.

Even fools grow old sha, imagine a 40 year old man behaving like that, lying about his profession, badmouthing his wife to another woman, for him to use Ned Nwoko as a yardstick shows he is not to be taken serious, Ned doesn't even practice polygamy cos none of his other wives are with him only Regina, his other children don't even talk to each other so Ned is not even a good example for polygamous marriages, he doesnt even have one tenth of Ned's wealth so why is he bringing up Ned as a yardstick?

And why are your family trying to push him to you knowing he's still married with a child? They are blinded by his profession because of money or what?

Nengiraw:
I can’t really answer all that, he is still keeping me in a loophole, but the daughter part, he said he wanted me to know, that’s why he was in the room with her, when she was crying so I would hear her.

you see, his intentions might be good, you may never know, just tread carefully and seek God's help, anyway I modified my post, read again...

Chop his money if he's rich and dust his hypocritical ass when you are done.

Zero pity on married men who don't allow single ladies to rest

Nengiraw:
I can’t really answer all that, he is still keeping me in a loophole, but the daughter part, he said he wanted me to know, that’s why he was in the room with her, when she was crying so I would hear her.

why have you not blocked him yet?

What is there to deliberate? Stop communicating with him or block him. Idk where you are (you said you're not in Nigeria without being specific) but polygamy is actually illegal in many countries abroad, if that's where you are. For example, in my own country, it is illegal and is an offense under the criminal code. Cease the communication with this punk and leave him be.

IconicR:
Chop his money if he's rich and dust his hypocritical ass when you are done.

Zero pity on married men who don't allow single ladies to rest

Rose, first time I will agree with you crackhead 😂

IconicR:
Chop his money if he's rich and dust his hypocritical ass when you are done.

Zero pity on married men who don't allow single ladies to rest

wow see you are used to that. But get ready to pay with your with you last b*°°°!&

An already married man giving his wife a bad image, want to quit his marriage to marry a young 25yrs virgin.

That man is a liar. If he can lie to be a doctor where he is actually a Nurse, then I doubt if his wife truely an abusive woman as he has potryaed her to.......That man nor just get Contentment for his diary sam sam!!!

The man is even stylishly trying to know about the Op's virginity status using Regina's motivational video......wallahi this reminds me about that other thread yesterday where that Nigerian man in the U.K was kicked out of the hostel by that U.k lady because he asked to know if the UK lady is a virgin and if she has ever got a deeq in her kitty.

I won't advise anyone to have anything to do with a married man or divorcee for that matter because there are always so many things involved that you may not be able to chest as time goes on in the marriage. So cut him off completely.

Don't let your family decide or choose for you cos they won't be there when you start having issues.

Reminderz:
Ehn no wahala na, he's free to marry more than one wife, but your mom might be against it, which I understand but that doesn't make him a bad person...

did he hide this fact from you?

is he a good person?

is his family well-to-do?

is he treating his wife and family well?

does he have the potentials of a leader?

if you answered yes to all these questions, you have nothing to worry about... it's better to marry a faithful married man, than a deadbeat or toxic single man... As long as his wife knows about it, then you have nothing to worry about... if you were my sister, I would advice you the same... his intentions for not telling them earlier if he was married might be because he knew what your possible reaction would be especially when you guys haven't met, so he wanted you guys to meet before he made things clear to you, he didn't lie to them, he just didn't made mentioned of it until it was time for you to know... and he didn't lie to you when you asked...

most women needs to get off the delusion that they must marry a single man... we have less good and responsible men who are ready or even interested in marriage now.. if you're lucky to find one, you better hold him tight and treat him well irrespective of whether he's married or not, there's no harm in being a second or third wife... you can be number 3 and even be at peace than someone that call herself number one but her husband keeps frolicking with additional 7 ladies and prostitutes with no peace of mind... your choice... I respect men who married more than one wife legally than men who married one but keeps womanising... those second category of men take care of the concubines outside than their homes and children...

A very senseless comment, how exactly will a polygamous man get another wife if not by cheating on his first wife, or you think he will meet a woman today then marry her tomorrow? Did Op tell you she wants to be a 2nd or 3rd wife? Is Polygamy legal in the country they reside?

All this small boys that will come here and preach the dysfunctionality of their upbringing unto others, the man in the Op that is already using vulgar words to describe his wife, does that foolish man look like someone that can manage two women? nowhere has Polygamy favoured anybody, always rivalry and hatred because the man will definitely be fond of one than the other, yet this one dey preach trash to women to accept nonsense lifestyle, so that in future, children go dey hate themselves because of their parents mistake,

Op ignore this quoted comment with every fiber of your being.

To the Op, why do you still entertain his calls or any communication with him? Why will you even come here to seek advice on a married man in the first place? This is an open and close case, tell him straight up that you will never have anything to do his sorry aśs anymore then delete his number, firmly tell your family you will be the one to choose who you will spend the rest of your life with, not them.

Op, if you are not comfortable with the red flags, please don't go into something that you will live to regret. Come to think of it, he has already lied that he was a doctor when he is isn't. My sister, RUN!

A man that talks down on his wife is a no no for me. He will definitely do same to you, it's a matter of time. It is better that he is showing this side of him now, the pretender is worse.

Work on yourself, remain open to a better future and pray. The best is yet to come. Cheers

She has a true heart.

I have read here on nairaland where a lady claimed she was the second girlfriend and painted the wife as a girlfriend who didn't care for the man in question. She sought advice on how to win him and all.

For the op to do this, the family must be on her case and it can be very frustrating when you don't have anywhere to turn.

Jovialjune1:
To the Op, why do you still entertain his calls or any communication with him? [b]Why will you even come here to seek advice on a married man in the first place? [/b]This is an open and close case, tell him straight up that you will never have anything to do his sorry aśs anymore then delete his number, firmly tell your family you will be the one to choose who you will spend the rest of your life with, not them.

Reminderz:
Ehn no wahala na, he's free to marry more than one wife, but your mom might be against it, which I understand but that doesn't make him a bad person...

did he hide this fact from you?

is he a good person?

is his family well-to-do?

is he treating his wife and family well?

does he have the potentials of a leader?

if you answered yes to all these questions, you have nothing to worry about... it's better to marry a faithful married man, than a deadbeat or toxic single man... As long as his wife knows about it, then you have nothing to worry about... if you were my sister, I would advice you the same... his intentions for not telling them earlier if he was married might be because he knew what your possible reaction would be especially when you guys haven't met, so he wanted you guys to meet before he made things clear to you, he didn't lie to them, he just didn't made mentioned of it until it was time for you to know... and he didn't lie to you when you asked...

most women needs to get off the delusion that they must marry a single man... we have less good and responsible men who are ready or even interested in marriage now.. if you're lucky to find one, you better hold him tight and treat him well irrespective of whether he's married or not, there's no harm in being a second or third wife... you can be number 3 and even be at peace than someone that call herself number one but her husband keeps frolicking with additional 7 ladies and prostitutes with no peace of mind... your choice... I respect men who married more than one wife legally than men who married one but keeps womanising... those second category of men take care of the concubines outside than their homes and children...

Shey this one na talk? Shey you didn't see where she admitted that she is dealing with trauma and is not mentally ready? Shey you didn't see where she is seeing bright, red flags in this man's character?

Una go just dey cap like it is compulsory to marry the very first man that proposes to a lady irregardless of character flaws and compatibility.

Wo, op, block his ass and work on your mental health. For all we know, he could be the problem and not the so called 'abusive wife'.

Ishilove:

Shey this one na talk? Shey you didn't see where she admitted that she is dealing with trauma and is not mentally ready? Shey you didn't see where she is seeing bright, red flags in this man's character?

Una go just dey cap like it is compulsory to marry the very first man that proposes to a lady irregardless of character flaws and compatibility.

Wo, op, block his ass and work on your mental health. For all we know, he could be the problem and not the so called 'abusive wife'.

ehn na her choice because I nor know how the matter con dey pain you pass person wey wan marry lmao... if she's not mentally ready, she should stay single na, afterall the man nor dey force am..

sooner or later she will have to make a choice, and I hope she doesn't regret the person she later ends up with due to the "trauma and not mentally ready"... lol it's not that she's not mentally ready, it's because of the fact that he's married and her mother is against it, not because of the man's character... I don't see where the red flags you pointed out is located... tell me one red flag you noticed aside from the fact that he's already married which is not a red flag to me...

and besides, didn't you see where I said she should ask herself those questions in the post you quoted or you didn't read to comprehend?

Jovialjune1:
To the Op, why do you still entertain his calls or any communication with him? Why will you even come here to seek advice on a married man in the first place? This is an open and close case, tell him straight up that you will never have anything to do his sorry aśs anymore then delete his number, firmly tell your family you will be the one to choose who you will spend the rest of your life with, not them.

because she already likes him. People will still do what they want to do so no need for advise.

darkmarky:
because she already likes him. People will still do what they want to do so no need for advise.

how can I like someone I’ve never met? I don’t like him. I’m just being open minded, hoping that if I see him in person, I could change my mind. His red flags right now are too much for me to handle

Ishilove:

Shey this one na talk? Shey you didn't see where she admitted that she is dealing with trauma and is not mentally ready? Shey you didn't see where she is seeing bright, red flags in this man's character?

Una go just dey cap like it is compulsory to marry the very first man that proposes to a lady irregardless of character flaws and compatibility.

Wo, op, block his ass and work on your mental health. For all we know, he could be the problem and not the so called 'abusive wife'.

Thank you. I have actually already blocked him, because for the life of me, my mental can’t deal with a lot of things surrounding him, even if I decide to marry him, I don’t know how the first wife will feel, cause I know that she will definitely still be in his life, because of their daughter, who still stays with the mother, and he has her on the weekend. He even started comparing me and the wife, saying that I look more attractive than her, so now she is ugly. I just felt it was childish of him, and I don’t want a man like that to be my husband

Nengiraw:
how can I like someone I’ve never met? I don’t like him. I’m just being open minded, hoping that if I see him in person, I could change my mind. His red flags right now are too much for me to handle

are you still communicating with him? Why is his number still in your phone?

A man who insult his ex to please you will also insult you to please the next girl'' it's the act of simps....

Nengiraw:
Thank you. I have actually already blocked him, because for the life of me, my mental can’t deal with a lot of things surrounding him, even if I decide to marry him, I don’t know how the first wife will feel, cause I know that she will definitely still be in his life, because of their daughter, who still stays with the mother, and he has her on the weekend. He even started comparing me and the wife, saying that I look more attractive than her, so now she is ugly. I just felt it was childish of him, and I don’t want a man like that to be my husband

At 25 you want to consider a man with so much baggage and lies? You marry this man, your life will turn upside down in a heartbeat. Good luck !

Reminderz:

ehn na her choice because I nor know how the matter con dey pain you pass person wey wan marry lmao... if she's not mentally ready, she should stay single na, afterall the man nor dey force am..

sooner or later she will have to make a choice, and I hope she doesn't regret the person she later ends up with due to the "trauma and not mentally ready"... lol it's not that she's not mentally ready, it's because of the fact that he's married and her mother is against it, not because of the man's character... I don't see where the red flags you pointed out is located... tell me one red flag you noticed aside from the fact that he's already married which is not a red flag to me...

and besides, didn't you see where I said she should ask herself those questions in the post you quoted or you didn't read to comprehend?

The bolded, are you willfully blind or what, why are you trying to paint the mother in a bad light because she's against having anything to do with a married man? Op was first mad and angry after that discovery and the mum reacted same way too so what exactly are you driving at? she stated clearly for all to see that he lied about his profession and she also said she doesnt like him in her other comments, he degrades and insults his wife to the Op, that shows the small mindedness of a so called adult who thinks bringing down a person will favour him in the eyes of a potential, thinking all females will be ok with that kind of attitude, that shows bad character and huge red flags, he is not a good person so one has to be careful and avoid that kind of human because if she decides to marry him, he can do same thing to Op, he is deceitful, he is not a good person.

OH PLEASE!

He is married, there is a child, HIS CHILD, crying needing his attention but he is busy talking to some lady instead.

He lies about his profession.

Once again, HE ALREADY HAS A WIFE!

What else do you need to hear to know that this guy is not good?

Are you this desperate?

Biglittlelois:


The bolded, are you willfully blind or what, why are you trying to paint the mother in a bad light because she's against having anything to do with a married man? Op was first mad and angry after that discovery and the mum reacted same way too so what exactly are you driving at?

....

you're likely a woman so I would rather save my energy...