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Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Travel / Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) (689236 Views)
Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 2) / Living In Canada/Life As A Canadian Immigrant Part 2 / Living In The Uk/life As A UK Immigrant (2) (3) (4)
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Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by jedisco(m): 3:17pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
PalestianIsrael: People have said alot and I hardly advise on relationship issues and hardly subscribe to auto divorce. But your story has alarm bells ringing. But from your post, 4 things strike me 1. You are having significant issues this early which in this country would many times would get worse 2. It seems you guys are still newly married. 3. You have no kids 4. You are the visa sponsor. The last 3 points are to your advantage. The way you painted her black without taking standing up to where you got it wrong makes me think you lack insight and I wonder about compatibility. No need claiming right. You cannot live with everyone but you can salvage whats left and learn lessons for the future. You don't want to end up with a life of misery possibly paying a mortgage for a house you don't live in aside your own rent and then child support for your kids while your ex-wife is boyfriending with another. Of course, regretting everyday the day you met her. You need to make a decision quick and until then, avoid making kids. If you split now, she would need to look for another sponsor or get a visa herself. In the meantime until things are clear, moving out might be a better option, keep evidence discretely and definitely avoid hitting her. In summary, if e no work, take a walk. You might not get a better opportunity. 15 Likes |
Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by rayralph(m): 3:20pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
PalestianIsrael: She’s probably feeling lonely in a strange country. She’s all you have and most likely venting all on you. Invest more time in supporting your wife emotionally. Take time off from work, Travel together. Christian or Muslim ? , seek counseling and pray together. Don’t involve the Police yet Why not start all over again with your wife, just like old times when you first met her. 9 Likes |
Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by BeckyB1(f): 3:29pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
Thank you very much for this response. God bless you for being so kind with your words. jedisco: 1 Like |
Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by rayralph(m): 3:50pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
Apparently, POF fraud is rife among Chinese students.
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Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by hustla(m): 3:55pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
rayralph: Lots of other nationalities do exactly what Nigerians do.. Difference is that they know how to seal their lips 14 Likes 2 Shares |
Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by RalphJean: 4:01pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
rayralph: @PalestianIsrael: Hear! Hear!! Do an introspection. You are not faultless. Is it possible that you are the visa sponsor. You work. She works too. Your work is really energy-sapping, hers is (energy-sapping)^10…. (For those who hated maths (like me), that means Energy-sapping raised to the power of 10. You get home, you are tired. She is very tired too. She needs some help in the Kitchen, but you are in the sitting room, pressing phone and browsing internet . She painfully prepares the meal, still very fatigued. You are still pressing phone. She asks for help, you ignore…’Afterall I’m the husband, she is the wife. Then later in the night, you want to turn her into a construction site, for ‘construction work’. Because she is the wife, who is expected to be loyal, she succumbs. You get up, go on top. Your entire 70+Kg on her. You construct your construction. Discharge akamu. Snore off to sleep. 6:00 am, both of you go off to work. 9:00 pm, you return home. She is still carrying over the fatigue from yesterday. You too is tired. She asked for some help to prepare dinner. You ignore. You keep pressing phone. And smiling. And chatting with friends and well wishers. She is there, all very lonely. In a new country. No friends no mates. She asks you to please drop the phone and give her some attention. You totally ignore. 10:00 pm, she hasn’t served dinner. You are boiling within. But you still kept pressing phone. She let out her vexation, and tell you how wicked you are. …. And everything escalated. PS: The scenario above is mine. As someone who came to the UK a couple of years ago, the above is roughly my experience. I thought my wife had grown horns, because while we were newly married in Nigeria, she was always cooking diners making breakfast. Packaging lunch for me to take to work. When we arrived UK, she ‘denied’ me all those. It was rough at first. But (to the Glory of God), here we are today, >12 years in marriage. Understanding ourselves and progressing together, as a couple. 31 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by jedisco(m): 4:22pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
BeckyB1: Hang in there.... Fact is many coming in via care route would in 5 years be better off than the a good number paying thousands for masters. The introduction and success of psw has shown that the economic viability of many masters programmes is the 2 yr work opportunity they give. In the end, most migrants pay in search of a better life. Also remember with care your visa fees are less, sponsorship more liberal and you don't have to pay IHS. There are bottle necks, but know your strengths and leverage. If married, you can seek any sponsored role job in the NHS. The NHS has good maternity leave allowance and pay. Most of your 5 years (before ilr) could be spent on mat leave. Your partner OTOH, would have the free room to work wherever. With certain roles, he could set up and work via a limited company which is significantly more tax efficient when planned well. If single, maximise that and don't be hesitant to move (even outside). Most masters students would pick up jobs in the towns they live. You could move to other counties with more need. Irrespective of the poor pay, with care you can work virtually unlimited hours with your main sponsor - an opportunity many other roles lack. You could target less stressful roles. The visa numbers might soon be culled and vacancies would reappear. Looks for ways to upskill- there are an increasing number of opportunities which keep opening up e.g teaching recently. You could work your way from a carer to a HCA to a nurse. Now, there is a push towards apprenticeship and folks can work as a HCA and at same time train to be a nurse (visa limitations might apply). In mental health, work is less and pay is more. You can better target your approach once in the system. Network and very importantly, have a driven clique of friends. This country has opportunities. Target them. 11 Likes |
Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by rayralph(m): 4:22pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
RalphJean: Are you sure you want to make heaven with this illustration 1 Like |
Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by hustla(m): 4:28pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
rayralph: Not one person has addressed Madam's physical abuse, the marks on Ogas body and body pain. Im starting to see "toxic masculinity" kinikan up there too. Issorai If it was the other way round, na so so call police, call police we go dey hear Me I'll Sha advice Oga to snap pictures, record audio too and videos, keep in the cloud and make a report to the police before anything 13 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by Stenvee: 4:50pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
hustla:The poster explained things in a way that made him look faultless. He already said a lot of things the wife did wrong, but what about his own faults? People are just trying to make him realize that he is not entirely right too. Not supporting domestic violence but there are two sides to every story. There is every possibility that his wife's side of the story will be entirely different from what the poster wrote. |
Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by justwise(m): 4:52pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
@PalestianIsrael What started the whole issue? 2 Likes |
Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by hustla(m): 4:54pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
Stenvee: LOL You're still saying the same thing. No one's saying he's entirely right, they're just ignoring the domestic violence part he has mentioned. For his own sake, He should document what's going on before its too late. Police and the world will always listen to women first .. That's the singular thing that saved Dr Olufunmilayo on Twitter this year. The woman that was abusing him went and filed with the police that he r*ped her. Just Google the story and you'll see why Im saying things from this standpoint If not for documentation, Baba would have been sacked 10 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by PalestianIsrael: 4:55pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
hustla: . |
Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by hustla(m): 5:07pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
PalestianIsrael: Just wait till she discovers the police /social worker route.. Try to make things work, address her complains but document what is happening... Because if she takes it further, you go explain tire, no evidence 1 Like |
Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by abuhusna1: 5:52pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
RalphJean:This scenario is what 99% relationship going through me too included and women reacts differently to it based on level of understanding of both partners. 2 Likes |
Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by Zahra29: 5:57pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
abuhusna1: You guys are derailing the thread with all this relationship talk. @Justwise please do the needful Joking, couldn't resist 😂😂 1 Like |
Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by Raalsalghul: 6:22pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
jedisco: @ the bold. How true? I can understand the child support but the mortgage? Really? Does that happen? |
Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by RalphJean: 6:25pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
PalestianIsrael: You see why I always Insist that there are 2 sides to every story? From the ‘horse’s mouth’: Madam did not bring the knives to attack him. She brought the knives to give them to him to ququma kill her. In other words, she prefers him to kill her physically by stabbing her to death, rather than the pain of the emotional abuse (her thoughts) that he is subjecting her to. Bro. I am a man like you. I am not ‘siding’ with the wife. I kid you not, your story is similar, very similar to my experience 8-months after arriving the UK. And like I said, it’s >10 years and we’re still married. Don’t give up on her. That emotional support she craves, it’s within you to meet her at the point of her need. I sincerely believe you can still make things work, if you put your heart/mind/resources to it. I am happy to ‘unmask’ myself from this faceless forum, and share experiences with you. I am jus my a DM away. 13 Likes |
Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by justwise(m): 6:32pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
Zahra29: Move the topic to Romance section? 1 Like |
Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by igbsam(m): 6:36pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
PalestianIsrael: First thing first OP, find a safe haven. You should move out for your safety and hers as well. Then speak with some people that are close to you both for interventions. If you're a Christian, get the church elders and pastors involved, if muslim, get your alfas and imams involved. Also get a marriage counselor to speak with both if you. If it seems like its not going to work out, then file for a divorce. Its not worth losing your lives. Play the calm one to de-escalate whatever tension that's brewing in your home. I know this is a tough nut to chew as some spouses tend to turn beasts in human form when they move down abroad. |
Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by BorisJohnson(f): 6:39pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
Zahra29: Oh dearest @Zahra29. I think I saw you in Machester last week. Wearing blue dress & a Blue ribbon. This morning, I saw MissJekyll in Liverpool, wearing a red dress & a red ribbon. Greetings. 2 Likes |
Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by dustydee: 6:47pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
igbsam:Probably the worst set of people to involve. @palestineisrael please meet a professional counselor if you have to, not these people mentioned here. |
Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by igbsam(m): 7:03pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
rayralph: Take this advice |
Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by jedisco(m): 7:05pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
Raalsalghul: Divorces here are no joke especially when there's a good income difference and kids are involved. Not a lawyer but for well established marriages, the target for a legal split is 50:50 of marital possessions. Even your pensions and isa accumulated after marriage are not exempt. To the house, though there might be a 50:50 equity split awarded, priority is always given to the kids. The kids will usually be allowed to stay in the house moreso if they're established there. Your partner might buy you out of the mortgage or you both can sell and go separate ways. If she refuses, it's very unlikely a Judge would give an order mandating sale when kids are involved. That means as the other partner, even though you may have 50% equity in the house, you may not be able to sell until kids turn 18 or leave. In the meantime, you would need to rent your place and banks will chase whoevers name is on the mortgage to keep up with payments. All this is aside child maintenance which goes primarily to the partner with main custody. If you're unlucky and have domestic violence pinned on you, another gbese as your alloted time might be culled. Of course, either of you can have a new relationship while all this is going on. If you have good earning potential and a vast difference from your partner, a divorce can leave you wrinsed |
Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by igbsam(m): 7:14pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
dustydee: Well i believe there are still some good ones among the lots. A friend here had issues in his marriage and they did alot to help counsel them. And they're still happily married till date. |
Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by dustydee: 7:27pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
igbsam:It's like advising someone with cancer to go and see a Pastor or Imam instead of going to the hospital beacause someone you know saw one and was healed. It's better they see a professional. 1 Like |
Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by Makamatic: 7:31pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
jedisco: Sir What if they are no kids and you don't have mortgage |
Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by justwise(m): 7:41pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
dustydee: Don't start 1 Like |
Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by igbsam(m): 7:51pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
dustydee: In my response, i stated they should see a marriage counselor as well. But its okay to pick out the one that doesn't suit you. 2 Likes |
Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by jedisco(m): 7:55pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
Makamatic: Accumulated wealth/pension post marriage is split. It goes both ways and you guys would need to be married for a reasonable period before 50:50 fully applies. In reality, if you're skint your partner would be less bothered and want to move on.. |
Re: Living In The Uk-life Of An Immigrant (part 3) by Zahra29: 8:01pm On Oct 09, 2023 |
BorisJohnson: Greetings Couldn't have been me though, my conference was in Bournemouth and I had on a yellow dress |
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