Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... - Family - Nairaland
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8 words of advice for the Unmarried Single Mothers. / Words Of Advice From A Mother To Her Daughter / Divorce - Why Cant Women Say "I M Sorry"? (2) (3) (4)
| Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by Nobody: 1:25pm On Oct 07, 2014 |
1 Like |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by Nobody: 1:30pm On Oct 07, 2014 |
If your question is what you should tell your families, then I would say that you should tell them the truth. And the truth is that your impatience is not the only reason. 4 Likes |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by Nobody: 1:34pm On Oct 07, 2014 |
[quote author=carefreewannabe And the truth is that your impatience is not the only reason. please what other reasons can it be because i may be blind not to have noticed them. |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by Nobody: 1:38pm On Oct 07, 2014 |
kingchi32: According to him the reason is that he has no money. (Reason no. 1) He doesn't know when he will have money. (Reason no. 2) You are not willing to wait (impatience) if he is not able to tell you WHEN he will have money. (Reason no. 3) You say, you have enough money. Would you be willing to the share the cost? Would he accept it? Could you to share the bills after marriage too? Would you both be ok with it? 1 Like |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by Nobody: 1:40pm On Oct 07, 2014 |
Could it be he saw/heard something he didn't like when you visited your mum? His sudden change of mind after the visit is so suspicious. or could it be he's so proud? The kind of man that would rather wallow in hardship than accept an assistance from a lady because he thinks it makes him less of a man?  but you have to bear it in my mind that even if he agrees now, you will continue to contribute even after marriage. hope you be comfortable with that?ehhh, is he willing to even do the marriage rite you both agreed on prior to the visit? ? If no, then he definitely saw/heard something he didn't like upon the visit 1 Like |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by TV01(m): 1:50pm On Oct 07, 2014 |
kingchi32:There was already agreement between you both. Good kingchi32:Then Mama weighed in ,with well meaning advice I'm sure - this is were you should have given pause for thought, instead of mentally assenting to your mums idea without first re-visiting the earlier discussion you'd had with your fiancé kingchi32:How did you bring it up? And what did you bring up? Was it your original plan and if you should change it in the light of your mums suggestion -or simply your mums plan taken as read? kingchi32:Which you already knew as you'd both discussed this prior - and planned with that in mind. kingchi32:The uncertainty was introduced by you and your mother. The impasse is your fault. You know your finacé situation, mummy doesn't. She just advised on what was best. And you gave him an ultimatum challenging his manhood? I wish more women were as forthright as you - just more considered  !kingchi32:Mainly due to your poor handling of the situation kingchi32:If you've both decided to call it quits, that may be a good thing, as this kind of triviality should never have become an issue. kingchi32:Maybe he will, maybe he won't? Maybe he should, maybe he shouldn't kingchi32:Since you asked so nicely  !Call loffaboi, tell him you understand his desire to "take care of business". Explain you are willing to play your part to facilitate things, but understand if it seems right in his sight to bear this burden - to wife you as is customary and proper. That's a good thing no? Then tell him you are happy to proceed as he sees fit, but you just need to know what his timings are. If the timings are not acceptable. Discuss further. If you reach agreement - and do not settle for anything to far in the future and ensure you are comfortable with any plan - happy days. If not, go with the impatient excuse. First, it's the truth. Second, the genotype is kinda final and if you change your mind and later reconcile, it may be hard to explain away. You're welcome. Go and learn to communicate, think about matters and discuss things thoproughly. You'll need it whoever you marry. TV 6 Likes |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by Nobody: 2:07pm On Oct 07, 2014 |
Thanks @ TV01 and marv..... He considered that that mums advice is good just that he doesn't have enough cash. As for the funding.... we initially planned that after the marriage, he will join me and I will set up a business for him cos i believe, we met when we don't have and I wont leave him now that I m blessed and he accepted ( saying he will accept based on the fact that i m already his wife). He didn't hear anything about me when we visited my mum just insisting that he will do everything on his own as that is what makes him a man. Probably I decent handle the discussion well.. |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by Nobody: 2:08pm On Oct 07, 2014 |
kingchi32: Reading through your post, I won't be surprised if your guy didn't like the way your mum handled things. You already agreed on doing part of the stuff but mum wants you to do all at once. Even though she had a good excuse, your man prolly felt rushed. Are your minds really made up on quitting? Then tell your folks the truth: you can't wait indefinitely since he wants to do the whole thing without your help. Instead of threatening to quit, next time have a heart to heart discussion, some guys have commitment issue. |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by Nobody: 2:12pm On Oct 07, 2014 |
Thanks @ candy, I appreciate. Really wish things didn't go this bad. |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by EfemenaXY: 2:15pm On Oct 07, 2014 |
kingchi32: What you did was soooo wrong and very childish. You do not bully and threaten a man into marrying you. It should never be by force and he made that very clear to you without having to spell it out in so many words. The latter paragraphs are cause for concern, with respect to both of you. I'll explain: First of all, no real relationship is without it's fair share of disagreements. That's normal. The important thing is how these differences are settled amicably...and this is where good communication comes into play. Keeping malice, avoiding broaching the matter, is simply sweeping your issues under the carpet, where they'll continue to fester and eat at you both. Secondly, if either or both if you are considering calling off the relationship, then be honest about your reasons to your families. Show them that little respect by not lying to them about the real reasons for the breakup. This is to do with finance. If your family truly understand how this is tearing you both apart, they might even ease up on their demands - and I'm certain your mother would understand and help you both seek alternatives. But first, go back to your man. Apologise to him about your threats uttered in haste. Then sit yourselves down like the adults you're supposed to be and suggest solutions / help / aid to combat this stagnation. And yes, I fiercely believe a woman who truly loves her man would share financial costs with him, just as he would / should involve her in any decision making process that'll affect them both. 4 Likes |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by Nobody: 2:20pm On Oct 07, 2014 |
Thanks @ EfemanaXY Guess what i did was very bad...... It was just his resistance that annoyed me... |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by Nobody: 5:13pm On Oct 07, 2014 |
TV and Efe said it all This shouldn't even be something to dish out threats over |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by Amhappy(f): 5:36pm On Oct 07, 2014 |
You have gotten great advices here. I think you should apologise. Threat is never the best. You need to assure him of your love and willingness to stand by him no matter what. Your mum's advice is good but i will advice you stick to plan original. Dont worry about the double expenses or what people will say. And yes do support him financially. Midly put it to him that your support doesnt make him less a man. All the best. |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by shizzle11(m): 6:00pm On Oct 07, 2014 |
lmao at threat, who does that? op, your boyfriend is 27, how old are you?, i understand why he isnt in haste or so unwilling to go with your mothers suggestion. I am impressed with your mans handling of the matter. Your mother shouldnt be the one to decide for him the pace at which he should go about the marriage plans, inother words you didnt have to insist that you go with your mums suggestion. You guys should have sticked to your earlier agreement with your boyfriend and explain this to you mum. Im pretty sure this was why your boyfriend became so reluctant to talk about it after you guys came back 2 Likes |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by rolled: 6:28pm On Oct 07, 2014 |
Don't force a 27yr old guy into marriage You would hate your life after that Tell your Family anyhthing suitable |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by Nobody: 7:32pm On Oct 07, 2014 |
kingchi32: @embolden, You did the right thing by telling him this. I can't imagine any man with sincere marriage intentions accepting to quit  because he was 'threatened'.He was never really interested in getting married (to you) in the first place. He got to seeing the reality of marriage/commitment after he spoke with your mother. How can an advice on cost savings be taken the wrong way? (which was what Mama said) The quarrel has gotten to the extent that we r planning what to tell our parents as cause of separation. His coming up with lies & trying to sell them to you, shows a lack of respect/regard for your parents. I love him and never wish to leave him but i cant just sit and wait as i believe he is still young (27yrs) and may later change his mind if i don't get him to do the needful now. You've taken very bold steps that only few women are willing to take in pursuit of their own happiness. Give it time...soon enough, you'll get over the hurt of a broken relationship & meet the right one for you. Please i need your advice...... Tell your parents exactly how it happened. They should be proud of your decision. |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by Nobody: 9:10pm On Oct 07, 2014 |
In addition to what you've got consider this: it seems he is been consenting all along cos he doesnt want to hurt you, he likes you though but truth is he is not confidently ready. He has fears of commitment which may be normal for his age and ok if he wants to improve otherwise it wont be good for you. Go back as have been adviced and in time find out with care the reasons for his fears together with what influencies it like age, money, friends etc if it is workable and he is willing, you both need to start studying on marriage(you esp, you need to mature fast and help him mature quick too) to avert future repeat of the behaviour you both displayed. But if he is not ready and unwilling, dont let love blind you oo as he may take more years than 3 to be ready. Pls go with your mum's advice but give it time though to be sure of things and not introduction now and forever waiting for the marriage. |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by adebasket97: 9:22pm On Oct 07, 2014 |
rolled: TRUTH |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by ivyy(f): 9:28pm On Oct 07, 2014 |
He isn't ready to commit to marriage. Mybe he sincerely loves you ad would like to marry you in the near future but certainly not now and most importantly , he doesn't know when either. I gues he wants to get comfortable first. Seeing your mum , he came face to reality and the truth is, he is just not ready okay? You need to let him be. Its gona be hard but its best you don't persuade him into a marriage he is not sure off coz certainly it won't end well . 1 Like |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by peggykorol(f): 9:33pm On Oct 07, 2014 |
Who brought the idea of seeing your mum this Sallah break? You threatened and he just accepted?he is even Trying to find a Suitable lie to tell Hmmn You feel he is too young.how come you just noticed that and didn't 3 yrs ago That guy is not really ready now and I don't blame him So don't force it Just try to move on Kpele |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by chymystique(f): 9:59pm On Oct 07, 2014 |
ivyy: Well said!! He is 27 for God's sake.. Pls kingchi32 just give him time to be comfortable financially. In as much that you both want to take things to the next level, with his attitude now I dnt think he is ready to settle down. From your post it seems like you are the one asking him to marry you and not the other way round. 1 Like |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by shizzle11(m): 10:35pm On Oct 07, 2014 |
theLORDreigns:You see how are quick to judge the guy, and how in the world are you able to tell he didn't have genuine intention??. and who threatens a man when discussing marriage? i mean which girl in her right senses would do such? ok since she threatened and the guy said he cant do it her way, why don't she carry out her threat and leave the guy alone to find his way in pursuit of happiness rather than opening a thread on nairaland to whine about it? Did i hear you say disrespect for her parents? and you chose to have a one-sided view about that too?, what about the girl who chose to lie that she is impatient rather than tell her parents the truth? Is she any less guilty of disrespect? Mind you her mothers suggestion to him is not binding on him, he may chose to take or ignore it. You completely lack objectivity with no iota of rationality or logic, you will make a very terrible judge. 4 Likes |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by shizzle11(m): 10:48pm On Oct 07, 2014 |
chymystique:Dont mind the op and some silly people trying to mislead her, this is how desperate girls will force guys who are not financially buoyant to marry them, and when he is not able to provide adequately for the family, thesame women will open their wide mouth to shout that he is an 'irresponsible man' and ask the girl to quit. At 27, the young man still has enough time to 'fix' himself financially and does not need to rush into marriage, and i applaud him for his decision to reject their trap of trying to 'rope' him. Like seriously that word 'threaten' annoys the hell outta me...nonsense 2 Likes |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by Nobody: 10:49am On Oct 08, 2014 |
yes i accept it was truly a mistake on my part to threaten him.... He is 27 while I m 26 yrs old and I believe he has a longer time to stay in the market while it will be hard for me to start afresh if things didn't go fine. I believe that if he knows that he wont be ready after 3yrs, why keep me....with promises that he will marry me.... |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by Amhappy(f): 1:03pm On Oct 08, 2014 |
kingchi32: Well until one say 'I DO',you can never be too sure of commitment. Both of you are still young. If the guy need time and you can't wait move on. |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by Nobody: 5:32pm On Oct 08, 2014 |
please I know i m not a bad person....I m the type that men call blessed.....I have rejected a lot of men while sticking to him...only for this to happen |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by FynBabe(f): 7:33pm On Oct 08, 2014 |
Sincerely, this guy is too young. I would advice you move on since you can't wait. I won't even advice you to wait because you may not like what happens @ the end of the wait. kingchi32: |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by Winneygirl(f): 7:57pm On Oct 08, 2014 |
Dont be in too much of a hurry. In the next few days, U will know if this relationship is strong enough to weather storms. . Its easy to be scared and worried about how U might have to start over. But think about Ur happiness. Its better to alone than to be stuck with someone U are not happy with. . Also, do not allow any form of emotional blackmail. He is an adult. If He is threatening to go indulge in negative activities, please let him go. U can take someone off the streets, but taking the streets out of him....that's another ball game. |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by Nobody: 8:13pm On Oct 08, 2014 |
Thanks at Winnie & fynbabe |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by shizzle11(m): 8:41pm On Oct 08, 2014 |
kingchi32:The guy still has age on his side(27) so he isn't desperate, you on the other hand sense the need for urgency (26). that alone puts you two at variance. The worse advice ill give you is to stick to him. You cannot wait for him cos there is no guarantee that after waiting for him, he will not disappoint you. Please end the rship now since he doesn't feel the urgency to get married now and it is understandable. No man likes to be pressured into marriage by his girlfriend, especially when he has his mind on other things like making money first, its a huge turn off. Secondly, he isn't financially stable and no reasonable man will like to constitute financial burden to his wife. All in all, move on. Look elsewhere for your missing rib while he concentrates on putting his life in order financially. Good luck to you. 1 Like |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by shizzle11(m): 6:47am On Oct 09, 2014 |
Kingchi32 i just saw your update, you should have posted it as a new post thou That said, what kind of life was he living before you 'brushed' him? what stuff did he go back to? These questions are important. I feel you truly love this guy and want the best for you two, but sometimes in life, a bad moment of emotional outburst through our action/decision/utterance may haunt us for the rest of our lives. Such costly, regrettable mistakes..... Since he is beginning to sound cold to you,I suggest you call him once more, if he still sounds cold again, then quit calling and give him a break. I know this sounds easy but the truth is he is no longer interested and since he has gone back to what he was doing previously, obviously he is moving on already and hardly even care what you think anymore, since he didn't share his intention with you before making a decision. The best for you is to prepare your mind for life without him and start getting over him already, what you are thinking isn't what he is thinking trust me. From your post it seems you are a very decent girl who was committed to see the rship work out and it hurts to see your efforts fail. It wont be easy but you have to move on. You will cry...yes, days, weeks..... seeing that the rship is headed for the rock after having put in a lot. Feel free to let out your emotions, but you must move on.... Sometimes life has a way of playing tricks on us, this could be a blessing in disguise....again Good luck to you. 2 Likes |
| Re: Modified....Please I m In Need Of Advice..... by Nobody: 9:08am On Oct 09, 2014 |
@ shizzle11 thanks very much... i have already programmed my mind to a life without.... though it hurts but i think that's the best |
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