good morning all,
please there's dis issue bothering me dat i need ur consel.
my fiance introduced me to his parents last week as his wife to be. everything went all fine.
just yesterday, he came up with the idea that i will have to go and spend dis weekend at his parents place all alone without him accompanying me. he insists i must go alone. all effort to make him see reason as the need to go with me since is just last week i got to meet his parents met a brick wall.
am jus restive at the moment. i only wish he will acompany me.

please i need ur advice incase u were in my position cos am so afraid and nervous.
should i decline and still insist we go together therby creating a little friction bwn us or i should go all alone?
please i need ur counsel b/c i will go with the advice i get from here.
#Nervous.

#"COUNSEL" ,not council .
edit so i can cancel.

if you have all the convictions that he's truly yours, no need to fear. it might be that he wanted you to go nd learn something,though he should have informed you.
Whatever it's, tell him you're ready to go but insist on knowing the reason. he can't start hiding things from you now that you're still courting ...
Lastly, if you eventually decide to go, make sure you inform close friends and relatives, let him know that and watch his responses.

It's a normal custom in some quarters...it's to enable the parents study your character to be sure you are the right person for their son.

ITS MORE LIKE AN ASSESSMENT PERIOD... YOUR CHARACTER AND ATTITUDE WHILE YOU ARE WITH THEM DETERMINES YOUR MARRYING THE GUY OR NOT.

What nonsense.

Never heard of such and I think this gimmick would only work for desperate chicks wanting to marry at all costs - chicks that don't mind trading in their self respect and doing all sorts in the vain bid to "get" the man.

What do your parents say about this?

I certainly won't allow any man put my beautiful, precious, princess through such crap.

I don't think you should have a problem with that, he asked you to go see his parents for just the weekend, not even one week and you are complaining? Do you have anything to fear? Is there something you are hiding? Are you African It is normal in some African home for the wife or wife to be to spend sometime with hubby's parent, it is a very good opportunity for you to know the type of family you are going into and it is an opportunity for them to know little about the person that their son will be spending his life with, not all inlaws are bad and wicked, some people's mind have been poison because of what they read online.
Remember there is this saying that you marrying their son means you are marrying into their family, it will not be you and the husband alone,there will be a time when you will need the family.
My advice, clear your mind , refuse to see your potential inlaws as bad, go and enjoy time with them, it is not a big deal and the world won't end because of it.

Happy marriage in Advance.

Sweetheart, don't be scared. This is your best opportunity to find out if the family you're becoming part of will welcome you as you expect. They may be playing all cool in the presence of their son, now it's reality check. Just treat it as your first day in the University.
You know, it's you coming to live with him after marriage, not him going to live with you. You will benefit greatly knowing the kind of household he grew up in, which will help you handle your own home to prefection.
From a guy's point of view, this is an assessment, typical in the igbo tradition (don't know your tribe though). But if he is, you'll have to accept it. He has full pride and trust in you that he feels so eager to present the diamond he has found to his parents. Go for it!!
If he calls you frequently, then know that he deeply cares and is as scared as you are..
I wish you success in your exams.

Na wa o. A thread i read about what nigerian women do to get husbands mentioned exactly what your fiance is asking you to do. In other words, he is turning you to one of those desperate women who are 'Awon marry by fire by force' crew. I dnt like the way your fiance is potraying you in the presence of his parents. Its very clear that he allows his parents make decisions for him. People have successfully gotten to know wat they want in their spouses all by themselves without going to the extent your fiance is asking you to. DO YOU WANT TO TELL ME THAT HE HIMSELF CANNOT COURT YOU TO KNOW IF YOU ARE BOTH COMPATIBLE ALL BY HIMSELF? doesnt he know what he wants? If it is true, a woman is to stay in her in laws house in order to know her in laws well, how about the man? Doesnt a man need to be assessed by his inlaws too? what stops him from also staying in his own in laws house? I am sure sucha man would find it ridiculous. its very obvious he doesnt know how to make decisions for himself. No wonder people complain after marriage of interference of in laws in their marriages. To me, this is not a good sign. Going to stay with them shows there is absolutely No respect for you, your fiance is yet to decide if you are right for him or he isnt sure you are meant for him and it shows distrust on his part. If you make the mistake, be prepared for more drama in your marriage.

EfemenaXY:
What nonsense.

Never heard of such and I think this gimmick would only work for desperate chicks wanting to marry at all costs - chicks that don't mind trading in their self respect and doing all sorts in the vain bid to "get" the man.

What do your parents say about this?

I certainly won't allow any man put my beautiful, precious, princess through such crap.

Seconded. This is the same tactic desperate ladies adopt. This action spells desperation. perhaps she has potrayed herself to be desperate which is why her fiance is asking her to do this. IS IT HIS PARENTS THAT WILL LIVE WITH HER OR HE HIMSELF IN MARRIAGE? If she should try it, let her get ready for inlaws' interference in her marriage. Everything she does from that moment on will be scrutinized and she will have no say in the marriage. If it is done to assess if she will make a good wife, then witches, jezebels with horrible attitudes wiill pass the asessment. That is why you hear men lamenting that their wives have changed after marriage. Such men like her fiance are gullible and easily deceived. They forget that when a desperate woman wants to get married at all cost, she will pretend for africa and after marriage her true colors come out. Its obvious her fiance doesnt know what he wants and cannot decide for himself. If i were her, i would pick race.

So what is she going to do in their house? Turn herself to glorified housemaid so as to get A+ in assessment? Wash all their clothes including the clothes of those she is older than, clean the house, scrub the floors, toilets and bathrooms, cook all the foods they will eat throughout her stay? I laff. Gullible humans!! nigerian women been glorified maids since the year 160bc.

Just for the fact he could present u to his parents shows he believes in u and his proud of u...

A man who do not love u will NEVER i repeat NEVER let u c not to talk of introduce u to his parents, i mean if u as a wife can't stand my parent den i av every cos to be doubtful and afraid of u....

Remember dey are HIS first god he saw wen e came into d world

Congrats dear, but u shudnt be bothered at all rather, be thankful dat ur guy is taking a bold step.

I went thru same thing 2 yrs ago, my fiance told me I was traveling outside Lagos to his family house to spend a week wit his mum (without him). I was very hapi though dat was not my first time visiting d mum but I used to wit him and we wud spend most times wkends den we wud come back to Lagos. But dis time I was to go alone for 1 week and it was during Christmas. I told my mum and
sisters about it and they were pleased wit it and i went.

I was there during and after xmas doing my own thing my owm way. I didnt over-do cos naturally I dnt ave really ave power to do much thingsi didnt t

Sophyrocks:
Na wa o. A thread i read about what nigerian women do to get husbands mentioned exactly what your fiance is asking you to do. In other words, he is turning you to one of those desperate women who are 'Awon marry by fire by force' crew. I dnt like the way your fiance is potraying you in the presence of his parents. Its very clear that he allows his parents make decisions for him. People have successfully gotten to know wat they want in their spouses all by themselves without going to the extent your fiance is asking you to. DO YOU WANT TO TELL ME THAT HE HIMSELF CANNOT COURT YOU TO KNOW IF YOU ARE BOTH COMPATIBLE ALL BY HIMSELF? doesnt he know what he wants? If it is true, a woman is to stay in her in laws house in order to know her in laws well, how about the man? Doesnt a man need to be assessed by his inlaws too? what stops him from also staying in his own in laws house? I am sure sucha man would find it ridiculous. its very obvious he doesnt know how to make decisions for himself. No wonder people complain after marriage of interference of in laws in their marriages. To me, this is not a good sign. Going to stay with them shows there is absolutely No respect for you, your fiance is yet to decide if you are right for him or he isnt sure you are meant for him and it shows distrust on his part. If you make the mistake, be prepared for more drama in your marriage.

Best advice so far! Your fiance is yet to know what he wants. I was in your shoes he told me, innocently I obeyed. After all I heard was him asking his mom how do u see her? Is she a wife material? He wld ask his siblings how do u like her food? He dependend on his people's opinion about me, from there severe scrutiny came, wahala, too many problems till I ran for my life. It was not a good experience. From my own experience I don't advice u to go.

jaybeyblu:


Best advice so far! Your fiance is yet to know what he wants. I was in your shoes he told me, innocently I obeyed. After all I heard was him asking his mom how do u see her? Is she a wife material? He wld ask his siblings how do u like her food? He dependend on his people's opinion about me, from there severe scrutiny came, wahala, too many problems till I ran for my life. It was not a good experience. From my own experience I don't advice u to go.

so because it wasn't gud 4 u, it shudn't be for others, d question, how did u acted over dia? I guess u were as nervous as d op n did every prolly out of fear, carefulness, negligence or weirdness....
A little touch of positivity is needed here abeg

jaybeyblu:


Best advice so far! Your fiance is yet to know what he wants. I was in your shoes he told me, innocently I obeyed. After all I heard was him asking his mom how do u see her? Is she a wife material? He wld ask his siblings how do u like her food? He dependend on his people's opinion about me, from there severe scrutiny came, wahala, too many problems till I ran for my life. It was not a good experience. From my own experience I don't advice u to go.

Spot on. experience is the best teacher. If she doesnt mind all these you went through for the sake of getting married, no problem, she can go to the slaughterhouse. She should just prepare herself for what is to come. Even a witch can pass such assessment. But the truth is such a man isnt psychologically mature to make decisions for himself.

OnyeEgo1:


so because it wasn't gud 4 u, it shudn't be for others, d question, how did u acted over dia? I guess u were as nervous as d op n did every prolly out of fear, carefulness, negligence or weirdness....
A little touch of positivity is needed here abeg

My dear the issue was not with his parents but with the man in question that does not know what he wants! He loves my food and always praises it. when I cook for him so why would he still be asking his mom and siblings if I cook well and if they like my food? I was on my best behaviour when I got there but after that I saw another character in him that I wasn't aware of before and that was he depended on his family's opinion to make any decison. What I am saying in a nutshell is that he dosnt need his family's opinion to know if he wants to marry the lady in question. Maybe this would be an opportunity to study her fiance and know how he behaves towards her when he is with his people. At the end it is her decision to make.

AdeniyiA:
#i need your "COUNSEL" ,not council

wole soyinka

Go ahead if you want to but i wouldn't. Its not done in my place, no sleeping over at the inlaws until he puts a ring on it. Spending days wit his people may be interpreted by some to mean desperation on ur part or seeking of approval on his, none of which goes down well with me.

This

EfemenaXY:
What nonsense.
Never heard of such and I think this gimmick would only work for desperate chicks wanting to marry at all costs - chicks that don't mind trading in their self respect and doing all sorts in the vain bid to "get" the man.
What do your parents say about this?
I certainly won't allow any man put my beautiful, precious, princess through such crap.

If you go this once, and his peeps manage to accept you then be prepared to go many more like a sheep to the slaughter, need i say every other approval will come from them and he will never defend you. Come on even your heart and instincts says otherwise. You even met him half way, he should meet you too atleast. TAKE THIS ONCE, TAKE IT ALL.

EfemenaXY:
What nonsense.

Never heard of such and I think this gimmick would only work for desperate chicks wanting to marry at all costs - chicks that don't mind trading in their self respect and doing all sorts in the vain bid to "get" the man.

What do your parents say about this?

I certainly won't allow any man put my beautiful, precious, princess through such crap.

Agree with this.Though i'm a guy,I don't think any lady should be subject to this kind of stuff.It shows the man can't make his own decisions.If you need your fiancee to meet with your parents,then you both go and spend that time together with them.Let them make all their assessment then.
When you are married to him,you can then go alone to stay with them whenever it pleases you.

Haba now...let's take it easy on her....she's confued already.
This issue is a two-way street. It may rock ur boat or sink it.
Well for me, I have never spent a night at a cousin's place sef cos my father can never allow. I have never even been to my own hme town so to come and say one man said I should cme and spend some days with his family.....who will I open my mouth to tell in dat house!

But ur fiance should know what he wants without all this "informal" interview na. So if u go and mama doesn't like u, what happens from there.
Come to even think of it, mst ladies will fake the best of behaviour this period. So u have to form multi-tasking tinz (washing+cleaning-mopping+cooking+washing toilet+ mummy what else can I help you do).

Pls, if he wants to marry u, let him d so!

Scary...agreed,
But I think ur fiance may 've a good reason f wanting u to do so..or he may jst want u to get used to d family, or a ploy to assess/test u.
Eventually tho, irrespective of wat we say here , d choice is urs.

Only advice will be , if u eventually do go, Be Yourself..don't try too hard. You cannot impress those who wouldn't want to be impressed.






I mite 've gone sha, being in ur shoes

Whatever anyone here says shouldn't be your decision..What you read are opinions and what works for me,them ,might not work for you....

My point is,at the end of the day,the final decision lies with you..you're the one wearing the shoes here,you know how much you want him,you know if you love him or not....

Nontheless,if you finally decide to go,be yourself..Wear trousers,skirts,wrappers or whatever makes you feel good,avoid hypocrisy..
If you finally choose not to go and he eventually marrys or leaves you,take this hanky from me,it will help when you need to wipe tears of losing him or tears of joy from marrying him.

I really don't see any need for that...
so if the parents end of not being convinced about you, he will dump you or what?? ... hmmmmm... I wish you luck...


eehhh, Did he tell you why you're going alone?? it could also be he wants you to be free with them and get acquainted

It is the custom of some people that the wife to be should come and cook for her man's family before they could go to the next level.

You got nothing to fear.

I wish to say more but there are many good comments already so make I cause too many cooks spoil the bro.


EDIT YOUR POST

Tallesty1:
It is the custom of some people that the wife to should come and cook for her man's family before they go to the next level.

You got nothing to fear.

I wish to say more but there are many good comments already so make I cause too many cooks spoil the bro.


EDITH YOUR POST

Yea you are right,some people still keep that as their tradition. My coursemate actually did Same when She got married

Correct that @bolded.

priscaoge:


Yea you are right,some people still keep that as their tradition. My coursemate actually did Same when She got married

Correct that @bolded.

Thanks............


I'm crushing on what Edith like that that's why

Tallesty1:
Thanks............


I'm crushing on what Edith like that that's why

You see y I keep following you

So you mean you left your siblings,parents and your fiance during the festive period just to spend time with his mum
Holy. Holy
Marriage Good oh

Kristty:
Congrats dear, but u shudnt be bothered at all rather, be thankful dat ur guy is taking a bold step.

I went thru same thing 2 yrs ago, my fiance told me I was traveling outside Lagos to his family house to spend a week wit his mum (without him). I was very hapi though dat was not my first time visiting d mum but I used to wit him and we wud spend most times wkends den we wud come back to Lagos. But dis time I was to go alone for 1 week and it was during Christmas. I told my mum and
sisters about it and they were pleased wit it and i went.

I was there during and after xmas doing my own thing my owm way. I didnt over-do cos naturally I dnt ave really ave power to do much thingsi didnt t

jaybeyblu:

My dear the issue was not with his parents but with the man in question that does not know what he wants! He loves my food and always praises it. when I cook for him so why would he still be asking his mom and siblings if I cook well and if they like my food? I was on my best behaviour when I got there but after that I saw another character in him that I wasn't aware of before and that was he depended on his family's opinion to make any decison. What I am saying in a nutshell is that he dosnt need his family's opinion to know if he wants to marry the lady in question. Maybe this would be an opportunity to study her fiance and know how he behaves towards her when he is with his people. At the end it is her decision to make.

it is a once bitten twice shy thing, i empathize wit u, buh someone had a sweeter experience up dia....

Left 4 d Op

AdeniyiA:
#"COUNSEL" ,not council .
edit so i can cancel.

you can cancel what?

Sophyrocks:
Na wa o. A thread i read about what nigerian women do to get husbands mentioned exactly what your fiance is asking you to do. In other words, he is turning you to one of those desperate women who are 'Awon marry by fire by force' crew. I dnt like the way your fiance is potraying you in the presence of his parents. Its very clear that he allows his parents make decisions for him. People have successfully gotten to know wat they want in their spouses all by themselves without going to the extent your fiance is asking you to. DO YOU WANT TO TELL ME THAT HE HIMSELF CANNOT COURT YOU TO KNOW IF YOU ARE BOTH COMPATIBLE ALL BY HIMSELF? doesnt he know what he wants? If it is true, a woman is to stay in her in laws house in order to know her in laws well, how about the man? Doesnt a man need to be assessed by his inlaws too? what stops him from also staying in his own in laws house? I am sure sucha man would find it ridiculous. its very obvious he doesnt know how to make decisions for himself. No wonder people complain after marriage of interference of in laws in their marriages. To me, this is not a good sign. Going to stay with them shows there is absolutely No respect for you, your fiance is yet to decide if you are right for him or he isnt sure you are meant for him and it shows distrust on his part. If you make the mistake, be prepared for more drama in your marriage.

I understand ur point but it's not always about desperation. some men do it to give their parent a sense of belonging, because some parents will feel they are not being carried along in the whole process. I mean it's a way of telling the girl indirectly that the parent means a lot to him. so if your man truly loves and you love him, there is nothing fear. just go there and show them that u have accepted them and their son too.

shalomp:

I understand ur point but it's not always about desperation. some men do it to give their parent a sense of belonging, because some parents will feel they are not being carried along in the whole process. I mean it's a way of telling the girl indirectly that the parent means a lot to him. so if your man truly loves and you love him, there is nothing fear. just go there and show them that u have accepted them and their son too.

Not being carrried along how? So introducing your fiancee to your parents isnt enough carrying along? I must come and stay with his parents before they can be carried along and that i have accepted them? what sort of excuse is that? That does not sound reasonable to me. Dnt i, as a lady have my own parents that need to assess my fiance? do i have to tell my fiance to spend weeks/months with them to show i am carrying them along and that he has accepted them? The only role parents are to play is to guide you on making a good choice of a partner. GUIDE. As an adult, it is expected you already know what you want. Once you allow your parents make the decision for you, you are not an adult and you are unfit to make serious decisions that come with marriage. Infact, you are not even ready to get married.

Any lady who wants to know her inlaws well can visit their homes. But unnecessary long stays will breed contempt. You know what they say about overfamiliarity breeding contempt. Once See-finish enter, your respect is gone!! There are many people who did not have to go through all this trouble yet they have good relationships with their inlaws.