Please no comment or post should be shared from this thread.

Nawa o.
At times what we r trying to protect will get destroyed by our own hand in d cause of over protection.

In marriage, there r times we apply common sense,millitary tactics and civillian way. Each issue is solved differently.

Also to ladies, make sure ur man loves u equally or more than u lv him.
How a marriage is contracted still remain a strong foundation on which way d wind will blow d marriage.

To those reading, did u ignore d least signals while dating?
Marriage is more than i lv u, it involves a lot.

Every individual, whether married or not has d right to be happy. U were not created to fill another person's gap(i hear that always). Ur happiness solely depends on u. Marriage should not rob u of ur self esteem. As low as 30% self esteem can change ur thought pattern and actions.

Marriage is also one and not d only achievements of life. Life doesnt end there, it continues.

Lastly, from d posts i read here so far, some marriages wouldnt have gone soar had we defined our boundaries from d onset. Like u dont take every other things in ur life for granted, marriage also shouldnt be taken for granted(miraculously things will fall in place), study ur spouse, d temperaments, weak and strong points and work on them.

Gracias.

@Godmystrength, you have a wonderful heart and dont ever let any situation change that. I would suggest also you get a daycare and you and husband both do the house chores. Apart from these two people, I believe your husband might have cheated with someone you might not even know. Try to think back about issues with the other maids, female colleagues, neighbours, etc and draw your conclusions. Stop enabling his idleness, tell him there has being a salary cut and save this amount in your child's acc. Look out for that expense that you know he is always anxious to meet and leave him to deal with it, even if you have 500k in your acc that period, just sidon dey look. As much as you love him, you still have to push him into providing for the family and not being idle. And dont go and start thinking that he has toasted every girl you see him with so you dont go have a heart attack. Deal with this issue wisely and move on. Lots Of Love.

It has been a hit and miss on this thread in terms of understanding the mindset of men, generally and individually.
Maybe some of the married men reading this thread can come and break this whole cheating thing down for instance. The problem usually is that offering an explanation usually comes across as a justification. I cannot help but feel that in the end most ladies still wonder why their man cheated (or do some other things) and I think this makes it harder to get over, to forgive and move on from it ( or not).

This "battle" of the sexes cannot be won without a good understanding of what makes your partner (man/woman) tick, and then working this to achieve what you want.

I think u r right

But a lot of this stems from the fact that the thread started out as a dealing with inlaws thread, it then morphed into family fiscal issues, became a fun room of sorts and now an advise column

When u say break it down.. what do u mean?

Cheating is wrong and should not be justified

Chrisbenogor:
It has been a hit and miss on this thread in terms of understanding the mindset of men, generally and individually.


Maybe some of the married men reading this thread can come and break this whole cheating thing down for instance. The problem usually is that offering an explanation usually comes across as a justification. I cannot help but feel that in the end most ladies still wonder why their man cheated (or do some other things) and I think this makes it harder to get over, to forgive and move on from it ( or not).

This "battle" of the sexes cannot be won without a good understanding of what makes your partner (man/woman) tick, and then working this to achieve what you want.

Godmystrength:
Please what are you thinking?

Hmm...what am I thinking?
Why would he be the one to get a replacement if at all you need one. After falling your hands, he wants to bring in someone else. Who is she to him? What's the relationship? Does it mean that the lady is on stand-by, waiting to move in. Abeg ooo. We see these things everyday in our home videos.
Don't ever succumb to his tactics oo.

Chrisbenogor:
This "battle" of the sexes cannot be won without a good understanding of what makes your partner (man/woman) tick, and then working this to achieve what you want.

You lost me at the "battle of the sexes". What was that about?

pickabeau1:


I think u r right

But a lot of this stems from the fact that the thread started out as a dealing with inlaws thread, it then morphed into family fiscal issues, became a fun room of sorts and now an advise column

When u say break it down.. what do u mean?

Cheating is wrong and should not be justified

True that about the dealing with inlaws, however men generally have not spoken of their own experiences on this thread or how they see things which can sometimes be really different from how women perceive it.

Now to cheating.....Cheating is wrong I could not totally agree more.
However it happens as can be seen on this thread. When it does however I do not think it is just enough to say oh he/she cheated on you, it was wrong. In my small experience when someone you really care about cheats on you, asides from the anger you feel sometimes most people cannot help but feel a sense of inadequacy on their part led to their partner straying. This can sometimes be true, however at other times not so true. I am talking about getting to the root cause, why it happened and not if what happened was bad. Unless that root cause is dealt with as with a marriage then I think it is a set up for further disappointment.

I think not cheating for a both couples has to do with discipline but most especially for men. Men don't like to talk about their challenges, there are some men here who have gone through these things and fashioned very good ways to deal with it, others could not be bothered about it - they do it because they can, others have fallen and learned from their mistakes and vowed not to do it again, others have decided to live with it.

This is really a difficult topic to talk about without ruffling feathers of impatient people, its like trying to explain how a ghetto neighbourhood would be very prone to vices, explaining what kids go through from starting off life without many options but to go into drugs or violence. Its not a justification for going into it, however if something is to be done about it a proper understanding of the problem is important to fashioning a solution.


So I will try and leave the floor open for men to try and open up, this is not about being self righteous because many men with even bigger things to loose have fallen prey to cheating on their wives. For instance As a man

1. What are the factors that could lead you to cheat?
2. How do you handle it when you find yourself in situations that lead to it?
3. If you have had this experience before or a near miss, could you share how you handled it?

This list by no means exhaustive, but its a start.

Phema:


You lost me at the "battle of the sexes". What was that about?

For me ( or in this context ), it is the constant challenges we get everyday while dealing with ( or having a relationship) with the other sex. I mean men and women are different in many ways, it is important to understand what makes the female/male tick. This leads to a better solution for both partners, it is what makes one realize when to engage or when to beat a retreat.

.....

Chrisbenogor:
For me ( or in this context ), it is the constant challenges we get everyday while dealing with ( or having a relationship) with the other sex. I mean men and women are different in many ways, it is important to understand what makes the female/male tick. This leads to a better solution for both partners, it is what makes one realize when to engage or when to beat a retreat.

Issorite.

Chrisbenogor:

True that about the dealing with inlaws, however men generally have not spoken of their own experiences on this thread or how they see things which can sometimes be really different from how women perceive it.

Now to cheating.....Cheating is wrong I could not totally agree more.
However it happens as can be seen on this thread. When it does however I do not think it is just enough to say oh he/she cheated on you, it was wrong. In my small experience when someone you really care about cheats on you, asides from the anger you feel sometimes most people cannot help but feel a sense of inadequacy on their part led to their partner straying. This can sometimes be true, however at other times not so true. I am talking about getting to the root cause, why it happened and not if what happened was bad. Unless that root cause is dealt with as with a marriage then I think it is a set up for further disappointment.

I think not cheating for a both couples has to do with discipline but most especially for men. Men don't like to talk about their challenges, there are some men here who have gone through these things and fashioned very good ways to deal with it, others could not be bothered about it - they do it because they can, others have fallen and learned from their mistakes and vowed not to do it again, others have decided to live with it.

This is really a difficult topic to talk about without ruffling feathers of impatient people, its like trying to explain how a ghetto neighbourhood would be very prone to vices, explaining what kids go through from starting off life without many options but to go into drugs or violence. Its not a justification for going into it, however if something is to be done about it a proper understanding of the problem is important to fashioning a solution.


So I will try and leave the floor open for men to try and open up, this is not about being self righteous because many men with even bigger things to loose have fallen prey to cheating on their wives. For instance As a man

1. What are the factors that could lead you to cheat?
2. How do you handle it when you find yourself in situations that lead to it?
3. If you have had this experience before or a near miss, could you share how you handled it?

This list by no means exhaustive, but its a start.

I brought up the in law aspect to give u the Genesis of this thread

On cheating there is nothing left to be said

[quote author=Godmystrength post=27141556][/quote]

Kai ! These are the kind of things I imagine & shudder.
But Godmystrength I want to ask o, how can you just keep quiet & allow your husband to be manipulating you this way because at this level, am sure this whole manipulation thing didn't start today! Tough love sis, tough love. Pls apply it !
How can you be toiling for a man that is constantly dribbling, manipulating an unsuspecting you & playing you around like a pun on a chess board ! Infact I vex for this kyn thing.

First of all, he has to sit up & face his responsibilities as the man of the house squarely. Pls pls & pls, stop helping him foot all his bills/handle his family responsibilities as much as you can ! Men are almost the same everywhere, if you give them the impression that you're capable of taking care of everything around the home, they'll abandon everything for you, cross their legs & keep sipping champagne on your head.
Wake up Sis, wake up! So you don't look 70 by the time you're 40!
How can you be using your money to bring in maids for him that he'll end up converting into his chatels
This is so unbelievable!
As long as he remains idle without taking a job, pls save your money for housemaid. He can take care of his own son!

You're probably doing everything & making things so comfortable for him cos if he's not comfortable, making out with your maid would be the last thing on his mind.

Chrisbenogor:

Pls we're here, waiting patiently for you men to speak. I said so sometime ago that it was nice having the men air their own views about issues so we can see marital issues from your own perspective as well but I dont know why most men prefer to keep quiet.

Chrisbenogor,
Start with yourself naww.We de wait

I think our male contributors are shy or too holy.I don't think they'd want to dent their Nairaland image especially on other threads where past utterances could be dug up and used against you

hispinkolo:
Chrisbenogor,
Start with yourself naww.We de wait

I think our male contributors are shy or too holy.I don't think they'd want to dent their Nairaland image especially on other threads where past utterances could be dug up and used against you

Can u explain

^^
Those are the only reasons I could think of..
Chrisbenegor is asking the men to come and confess to cheating,near miss cheating or things that could make them cheat.
How easy would it be for someone who quotes the bible to come and write it down here?

hispinkolo:
^^
Those are the only reasons I could think of..
Chrisbenegor is asking the men to come and confess to cheating,near miss cheating or things that could make them cheat.
How easy would it be for someone who quotes the bible to come and write it down here?

The bolded is the exact reason why nobody will comment as it shows the prevailing mindset

ok

Well,I for one don't see anything wrong with sharing..after all most of us here have written the good and bad about ourselves.
If you've cheated or almost cheated,please come and share..
Or just come and talk about cheAting generally and say its a friend or close uncle.
We will accept.

How else will we learn and adjust?

ok.. your points are noted

hispinkolo:
Well,I for one don't see anything wrong with sharing..after all most of us here have written the good and bad about ourselves.
If you've cheated or almost cheated,please come and share..
Or just come and talk about cheAting generally and say its a friend or close uncle.
We will accept.
How else will we learn and adjust?

And what if he has not cheated nor thinking of cheating, what should he write?

Not all men think of cheating or have potentials to cheat. Rather than cheat, its better to deal with the situation.

Cheating doesn't solve any problem, it only creates more.

I wonder why you ladies are interested in knowing reasons why men cheat when you can easily ask your husbands the question... .

Meanwhile, none of the ladies has discussed why women cheat but only interested in hearing from theale specie....

Mr Bellong,
I've been waiting for you to comment.
I have asked the hubby and he has given some reasons.It would be nice to hear from other people.
Women here haven't been asked to talk about cheating yet naww. We will talk about cheating and near misses if the need arises.

^^^ A lot of men may give seemingly convincing reasons for cheating. However, the principal reason why most men cheat is indiscipline.

Inability to ward of sexual urges and pride to add to their ego list.

Some can't resist the temptation of seeing varieties of curves, shapes and killing advances.

hispinkolo:

Classic example of the point I am raising, I do not think men are too shy or too holy. Personally I find it difficult to tell my emotional problems to anyone way before I even got married. Its not because it is good or that those who share are bad. I think we all have different ways of handling our issues, "generally" however men find it a lot more difficult to open up unless to really close friends and confidants.

Now let me correct something, I really do not want people to come here and say hey I cheated if they are not comfortable about it. I don't quite know how else to put it but that was not the intention at all. I was talking more generally.

Speaking about generally, I am fully aware that what I think does not hold for all men. This is even the reason why I want them to be involved cos the whole purpose should be to share, peoples perspective of life changes as time goes on. I would try and put something together when I am less busy and see if it would set the ball rolling.

*clears throat*

i'm not sure why i'm doing this really, because i'm not married. Have always said i won't. Therefore, i shouldn't be commenting on this thread but i feel my 2cent might add some value to the discussion, so here goes;

the issue of difficult in-laws will always persist if intending brides keep trying so hard to please as a way of gaining acceptance into their soon to be husband's family and forgetting who they are by forgoing some (if not all) of their personal principles. Typical MILs, SILs and BILs forget they are also humans and thus, are susceptible to being treated in like manner or worse when their turns do eventually come. Additionally, the Nigerian culture of depending on the eldest sibling to support the rest of the family has caused siblings to see a soon to be DIL as a competition rather than an addition to their family. Long story short, typical African mentality at play here.

My advice, as a DIL, be yourself whenever and with whomever. Where "yourself" here equates to Polite, sweet, helpful but firm and in total control.


As for a cheating husband, i totally agree with the poster above when he notes that it gives one (the person being cheated on) a sense of inadequacy and the root cause should be looked into as opposed to just damning the act.

First things first; truth is that many women saw the tell tale signs of a womanizer in their spouses and chose to ignore, hoping he would change. this case obviously points to husbands who need a little more then a therapy and deliverance session (if those are ever effectual) to work out their *hit.
Conclusion: it'll take a miracle to change

then there are men who go out of their way to cheat (as in make a conscious decision) while still loving you (or at least claiming to) wholeheartedly
He married a trophy wife and having her understand that he actually prefers a rather simple lifestyle with lots of cuddling, spontaneous getaways and maybe a bit more (a lot more actually) sex, might be a mountain he feels he "doesn't" want to climb. So? he decides to do that thing the typical male knows how to do quite well - compartmentalize-
Conclusion: He loves you (his wife) but he can still cheat and have loads of fun with the side chick and not bother you with his demons


then there are men who have the seemingly "perfect" wife and know that they do (because they went out of their way to actually get one) but they are both very sexually incompatible.
He likes it - almost always when there's time and space for it (and in varying positions too)
She likes it - almost never except it's time for making baby
When he realizes this is actually "who she is", he feels guilty if he tries to get her to become this other person she isn't. So? There's a bit of a disconnect, then one day he "accidentally" finds this chick he "connects" (well, you are both disconnected now hence the other connection) with and.......well, the rest is history.
Conclusion: He still loves you. Probably will never leave you, but he IS cheating (and will most likely continue to)


then there are men who may have suffered some infidelity from you first (yes, you! the wife) and the episode was dealt with, in that you apologized and begged and cried and he forgave you but he didn't forget (not entirely) and now he sees you as something tainted (somewhat) Try as he may but he just can't get past it. So? when a really tempting temptation comes by, he doesn't really feel obliged to resist since........well, you get the drift.


So all in all, i've counted men who have no discipline whatsoever, those who don't want to bother you (the wife), those who are very sexually incompatible with you (wife) and those who you (the wife) hurt first......when i remember more i'll update.

NB: Please forgive the somewhat flippant way i described some of the characters, I can be a very comical person sometimes. I do realize the seriousness of this thread

Whew*swipessweat* very very educative, learnt a lot!
May God continue to grant us wisdom.

Godmystrength:
Na so i see am o. i will have a discussion with her this weekend though.
Then decide what to do next...

I already asked hubby what happened and why he did that....He said it is not my fault at all. That he is just frustrated. Having to sit down at home all day doing nothing and having no where to go....

I feel for him, but he needs to get up to do something. If no paid employment he should learn a skill or continue with his buying and selling he was doing. Me as a woman can't stand idle not to talk of a man. Even the bible said it that an idle mind is a devils workshop. Encourage him to do something.

So I went thru the whole thread *wipes sweat* to intending couples from my little experience (almost 2yrs in my marriage) concerning d in-laws ish, whoever ur hubby loves more in d family love d person more at the same time don't start you can't finish ooooo , at least its working for me.
@Godismystrenght may He continue to grant u strength nd wisdom. e-hugs.

Sorry ladies, I have been so far from this thread.y'all will know why soon. Really missed the gist, sharing and my pals here @Godmystrength, Hispinkolo, Snazzylove and everyone. Well, mek I chuk mouth put for the mata for ground

I don't really think any man has a "reason" to cheat, neither am I really especting the men folks to come up and like share what made them do it,or almost as the case may be, because seriously when we hear it and analyse it, they may not be "real" reasons

For me, I am a guy. I have a very pretty, when I say pretty, I mean "pretty" fiance, from hair to toe, but I still do get attracted to other ladies. Yes I do, I am a man. We are sight driven. The question is- after attraction to another woman, what next? Even when we are not attracted,they show up and throw it all open at us, hmmm e no easy, seriously.

My brother up there mentioned descipline. That's it. I just had to tell myself, after the attraction, drop it there and go. If it lingers, hmmm, tell her o, if they bump on you and throw it @ you, let your alarm go off, runnn!!! (Na this one I dey tell her make she dey bind and cast o, mek e no ever happen) cos the truth is that "no" man, I repeat, "no" man just intentionally wakes up and say, today am gonna cheat. And ask any man, their life never ever remains thesame nomatter how much they enjoy away match, based on say them never catch am o

For me I no need to go Iraq witness the bombing before I go gree say bomb dey kill. CNN is doing a good job. I don't even know whether I have made a point
Mek una talk too o

@ megamind
You have made a point. We are waiting for other men to talk.

Reasons why men cheat?

I beleive that it is due to lack of discsipline

Most men have been tempted at one point in their marriages or the other & the oppourtuniity is even there, but the strong minded ones and the ones who have discipline & the fear of God are the ones who walk away from it but to be honest, its not always easy and that is why as wives we need to pray that that God will strenghten our husbands resolve that when he is tempted and we are not there or no one is watching he will always do the right thing.

Wowww this is the *bestest* thread on nairaland. Just what i need. Ive been reading from d first page to d last since day before ysterday. E no easy o. God will help us all. Im about to get married. I'll cm back with my plenty kweshions soon. God bless u all.