This is a serious matter and I need matured comments and advice.

I am a man in my early forties. I used to date a lady then before I entered the university. She is not from my tribe, she's from another tribe. My parents (dad & mum) strongly opposed the relationship and told me never to ever marry her. I initially didn't understand what they were saying then until after sometime when I now discovered her evil character. But before I could realize her character, she had already gotten pregnant while we were dating and had a baby for me then before I entered the university. The relationship ended then and we went our separate ways. Pls note that I never married her, we only dated.

My child is now in my custody. My parents are aware of everything and supported me all through. My parents have warned me to stay away from her and never to bother myself about seeing her family or the lady because of the evil things she did to me then.

I don't love her anymore and there can NEVER be anything between the both of us anymore. I already have someone else and we love each other. I have completely moved on and she (the previous lady) has moved on too.

The question I need you people to advice me is this:
I am thinking of paying her salary every month into her account as a way to compensate her. Since it's NEVER possible to see her family as my parents and other family members strongly avised me against seeing them, I feel I should compensate her for the baby. But she is very rude even on the phone. I haven't told her I'm thinking of paying her monthly, I'm just watching her for now.

Do you think it's ok for me to be paying her monthly? Or do you think I should instead pay her a lump sum? Or do you think I should not even pay her anything at all? Or do you think that instead of paying her, I should pay that money to her family?

Pls I need your candid and matured advice. Pls for God's sake this is a serious matter, so no insults or immature comments pls. I purposely gave my age range for you to know I only need matured advice pls.

Thanks in anticipation.

So, she is not allowed to see her child?

Very deep..will comment later

I think you will get better answers if you say what you want to compensate her for.

Did she raise the child without your support until recently? When did the child come into your custody? Are you talking of something along the line of back child support (except that this is not court ordered and you're taking the initiative on your own)?

ileobatojo:
I think you will get better answers if you say what you want to compensate her for.

Did she raise the child without your support until recently? When did the child come into your custody? Are you talking of something along the line of back child support (except that this is not court ordered and you're taking the initiative on your own)?

No she never raised the child at all. The child has been in my custody from the onset, from infancy and I've been taking care of everything. I took care of everything and bills right from the day one of pregnancy to delivery to every other thing.

GoodlifeNigeria:


No she never raised the child at all. The child has been in my custody from the onset, from infancy and I've been taking care of everything. I took care of everything and bills right from the day one of pregnancy to delivery to every other thing.

That's very impressive. Kudos.


But there are still some questions. After all these years that have passed, why do you all of a sudden have the urge to compensate her? And what exactly are you compensating her for?

ileobatojo:


That's very impressive. Kudos.


But there are still some questions. After all these years that have passed, why do you all of a sudden have the urge to compensate her? And what exactly are you compensating her for?

For having the baby.

Are you trying to purge a guilty conscience for putting her in the family way and not marrying her?
Is she not able to take care of herself?


If you want to help because of the child between you two then teach her how to fish.....

Are u paying her off? Are u planning to keep the child away from her forever? I think u should hold on cos if u start paying her monthly or a lump sum, that's equivalent to zero. No matter how bad a mother is,( blood they say is thicker than water) one day she will reunite with her child. So, what will be the essence of the payment. Secondly, she might see this as an avenue to milk u i.e she will be the one to demand for what she want monthly once the idea hits her and she won't stop neither will u be able to stop her. Though i don't know her own side of the story, i wish its true sha o. What i know is, she will come for the child one day and u can't keep her away, am sure of this.

booked

Don't start what you'll regret later... You owe her nothing but that child with you, you can't deny the child of her mum forever.

If you feel you need to help her, good! But if not please don't stir-up another problem for yourself, she could be despirate and go diabolical if she knows your worth.

Please just stay quiet!

I SHALL give u these piece because of your age and d kind of way u asked for d advice. would love u to get in touch wit me via phone so we talk more on this.i hav bin in this case once and even still enmeshed till date.pls get tru to me would love us to talk more about this.too many immature people on this forum ,and would not love to hav them get acess to what i am about saying pls.

Since she isn't bothering you for any aid and you've been financially responsible from day one, I really see no reason why u shouldn't let sleeping dogs lie. If she's as vile as you claimed earlier, then you may expect more trash-talks the moment you start paying her monthly or after you give her the lump sum.

Just one question. Is she "allowed" to see her child?

vanitty:
Just one question. Is she "allowed" to see her child?

no

"My baby" is completely wrong.
Why refer to d baby as urs?

Is that how u hv been viewing d whole ish u now wanna pay her off so she stays clear off u and d baby?

One last thing, parents don't make marital choices for their wards this days and time.
Ur parent's hatred for d lady made u see all she does as bad. Something that would hv been neglected had it been an affair btw u and ur lady will be scrutinized and blown out of proportion cos parents hv already 'labelled her bad and wicked'.
That is how so many of us miss out on true love(who is ever perfect?) cos my parents said otherwise.

Its obvious you still love dis girl. U neva really moved on

GoodlifeNigeria:


No she never raised the child at all. The child has been in my custody from the onset, from infancy and I've been taking care of everything. I took care of everything and bills right from the day one of pregnancy to delivery to every other thing.
C

so since the child was born, she has given you the baby and she just went about her own business? Be honest now.

I mean it is good you have been taking care of the child but I hope it was not where you left the girl and your family forced you to take the baby from her hence her hostility towards you. Plus, you are keep her away from her child. What you seem to want do right now is "buy" the child so she won't disturb you about it.

Unless, she has been a bad mother to the child, I don't see why you should keep her away from the child.

Hey!

You fuccked her, she fuccked you too.

You enjoyed it, she enjoyed it too.

You could have used CD, she could have drank Poistnor.

Now it all resulted to a kid which she is supposed to carry according to nature, which is not your fault.


So what do you wanna pay her for? Or is she thinking of paying you for being the father of her baby ni?



Why do I think you sound weak for a 40-something year old man?

GoodlifeNigeria:
This is a serious matter and I need matured comments and advice.

I am a man in my early forties. I used to date a lady then before I entered the university. She is not from my tribe, she's from another tribe. My parents (dad & mum) strongly opposed the relationship and told me never to ever marry her. I initially didn't understand what they were saying then until after sometime when I now discovered her evil character. But before I could realize her character, she had already gotten pregnant while we were dating and had a baby for me then before I entered the university. The relationship ended then and we went our separate ways. Pls note that I never married her, we only dated.

My child is now in my custody. My parents are aware of everything and supported me all through. My parents have warned me to stay away from her and never to bother myself about seeing her family or the lady because of the evil things she did to me then.

I don't love her anymore and there can NEVER be anything between the both of us anymore. I already have someone else and we love each other. I have completely moved on and she (the previous lady) has moved on too.

The question I need you people to advice me is this:
I am thinking of paying her salary every month into her account as a way to compensate her. Since it's NEVER possible to see her family as my parents and other family members strongly avised me against seeing them, I feel I should compensate her for the baby. But she is very rude even on the phone. I haven't told her I'm thinking of paying her monthly, I'm just watching her for now.

Do you think it's ok for me to be paying her monthly? Or do you think I should instead pay her a lump sum? Or do you think I should not even pay her anything at all? Or do you think that instead of paying her, I should pay that money to her family?

Pls I need your candid and matured advice. Pls for God's sake this is a serious matter, so no insults or immature comments pls. I purposely gave my age range for you to know I only need matured advice pls.

Thanks in anticipation.

D child is nt urs bc u didn't marry her. D child actually belong to d girl family until u do d needful culturally, dt doesn't mean u ll marry her oooo. They ie d girl n her parents can show up for d child in future if they want to. Also they probably dnt want to b associated wit d child bc of d cost of raisin d child so u can jst keep ur cool or go to their place to demand wat is required of u culturally to permanently own ur child. Giving her monthly salary doesnt change anything. She is d mother of dt child forever

For what purpose??

judging by d op post
his family want nothing to do with d said girl nor even her family for dt matter
i find it weird dt they took responsabilities frm delivery which means as soon as d baby was born d mother was separated frm d child.
n op u said u were still dating when she got pregnant
so such a short times to delivere d baby n shes declared unfit n evil?

i hope d girls family is not frm a poor family n yours is well maintained
coz dt where d problem start
if u hv taken hold of d baby frm d very first day n want nothing to do with her i hv a question bt mayb not our cultures are different
dt girls parents deserve respect
in most cultures dt how it done

but it yourlife live it fully conscience aplied or ignored ur choice

ogawisdom:


D child is nt urs bc u didn't marry her. D child actually belong to d girl family until u do d needful culturally, dt doesn't mean u ll marry her oooo. They ie d girl n her parents can show up for d child in future if they want to. Also they probably dnt want to b associated wit d child bc of d cost of raisin d child so u can jst keep ur cool or go to their place to demand wat is required of u culturally to permanently own ur child. Giving her monthly salary doesnt change anything. She is d mother of dt child forever

You are one hell of a lucky guy...

Its either the girl/her family are paupers OR

She is outrightly and hopelessly irresponsible OR

A combination of Both.

I don't even understand what some ladies are saying here.@op, that woman altered her body for you, I think it's best you give her every support she needs because no body knows how much care you promised her during the relationship before she became pregnant . Please do unto her what you will like another man to do to your own sister . I don't know why any girl will agree to pass through the stress of pregnancy and childbirth for a man she is not yet married to.
My ex once begged me to give him just a baby since I was dragging my feet on accepting his proposal but I refused despite all his promises.
I can't go through that pain and stress of childbirth for any man other than my husband.
That pregnancy may have altered her body if she is not careful forever because it takes a lot to getback into shape after CHILDBIRTH . PLEASE BE GUILDED.

I guess she cant even see her own child. Why are you still calling the "evil, rude woman" sef?

Why won't you let her see her child?..

Mr man..in this nigeria,if you marry another woman with the kid still in your custody,the new woman will torture the poor kid!..honestly,its better you hand over the kid to her mother..at this point,it'll be sensible if you send monthly salaries(as you called it) to her so she can take proper care of the kid too!..

This man is not forty something years,what nonsense? anyway you are even lucky that she's only rude to you!how can you take away a child from its mom,you and your family are wicked and evil and you will definitely get what is coming your way with full force! For the records I don't believe this your story,its not the complete truth,you twisted things to suit you! So u think by paying her off you will escape the karma that is about to hit you,Mr man you can't cheat nature.

Well first of all I must thank all of you for your comments, suggestions and advice. I'm really grateful to you all for finding the time to contribute to the issue at stake.

I will find time and do my best to reply your questions as soon as I can. Thanks once again and God bless you all.

mystiqueDZ:
Are you trying to purge a guilty conscience for putting her in the family way and not marrying her?
Is she not able to take care of herself?


If you want to help because of the child between you two then teach her how to fish.....

Guilty conscience on my part? No. If there's anyone to feel guilty, she should be the one, due to what she did to me. But I let byegone be byegone. Just feel like helping her.

RoyalRoy:
Will want to ask if you want to pay her cos of some inner guilt you feel, or maybe she is not financially okay wherever she is?

Or has your child been so wonderful and you feel thankful in a way that she bore him/her for you?

Or you still wish for an avenue to keep both of you communicating?


Did she influence your source of wealth in a positive way and u feel a sense of gratitude to her?

Many Questions here and there!!!

Since you said she has moved on, then I assume she must be married and with other kids?

Paying her monthly salary could cause trouble for her in her husband's house if he finds out. I suggest a one-off lump sum of money and get going.

I said this before, no inner guilt on my part. I'm not looking for any avenue to keep communicating with her because I don't love her anymore, I'm in love with someone else and i've moved on.

To your question whether she influenced the source of my wealth, no and capital NO, she never influenced it. She never did. Infact she sought to run me down but she failed, so she should be the one feeling guilty.