mamateniola1:
Hello everyone. Pls are we saying babymumsy's hubby works 8am-2pm or he doesn't work at all that we are blaming her for maybe her hubby's loneliness? Wel maybe we shld av asked if her hubby works too cos I haven't seen any job that's not between the period of 8am -6pm in this Lagos +2hrs in traffic!!

I think I've reached a point where I can now communicate with my husband without crying, feeling extremely hurt, disappointed or angry. I'm trying to get him to communicate effectively but he doesn't think it's necessary. He just wants to put everything behind him and just move on. I don't think this is healthy because he's not exploring the underlying reason for why this happened in the first place.
Our relationship started as an office relationship and we were able to make things work and be professional at the work place. But I did notice that there was a girl in the office he had a thing for and when I think back the only reason why things didn't progress with her was because we worked in close quarters and I was able to keep a close eye on him and asked him to break off whatever was going on.
Now he hasn't been in an office setting in a while (he's a consultant) and just started his new job this year and now experiencing having work colleagues again. If something like this could happen so early on at his workplace, what's to say it won't happen again? He's still going to be seeing the girl again and even if he does quit and find another job, there will be females there too.
My problem is that he's taking all this for granted and says it won't happen again. It's like someone trying to lose weight and even though she's made that resolve to abstain from chocolates whenever it's placed before he/she they can't seem to resist it even though they've sworn a million and one times that's they will never touch another piece of chocolate.
I don't know what else to do. Because I'm not sure I'm wiling to go thru all this turmoil again when next it happens.

Meddler:
Because I'm not sure I'm wiling to go thru all this turmoil again when next it happens.

chaircover:
meddler dear, what you are experiencing is a fall out of when a partner cheats and dealing with being cheated on is probably one of the most difficult and complicated issues that one will have to deal with in ones life
so many questions and so many ifs and whys
it cant be easy at all, especially when the trust is compromised.

My dear one day at a time. Men dont like to talk much, but I think that they do think about things but keep it all inside. Apart from the literature professors and sky news presenters on here like coogar and sagamite most men have fewer words to say than us women.

If I were in your shoes, I will want to know every single detail up to the colour of her bedsheet that she used to gather my hubbys sweat, but in reality I am only hurting myself more. You already know the basic details, you know how it happened and probably why it happened so you may just want to let it go, especially as he is in not keen to spill everything, knowing that giving you all the gory details will only hurt you more.

As regards future affairs, please give him a chance to prove himself. I know you are really hurting right now. but he too needs you to beleive in him however, Be watchful; after all once bitten tiwce shy, but do not let that rule or dictate to you or take over your life. You deserve to be happy.

I am sure that there must be books that cover this. You may want to look for a good book on amazon to help you with this difficult period that you are going through.
It is well my dear ((hugs))

Sagamite:

I don't like to comment too much of issues like hers because I would be direct and logical; not insulting, victimising or attacking. But I would ask her questions that would query her position, not support her just because she feels wronged.
Most women are not receptive to such facts or objectivity, they just want people like you to listen and give words of support and encouragement.
You are doing a good job in giving her what she wants to hear. Saga Saga does not follow that line, so I go siddon look.

chaircover:


Was only teasing you joor

But seriously, why not? Why dont you say what your gut feeling is? You may be doing her and others a favour. We may be missing something from a mans point of view.

This is what we have been saying for ages. We need men to be more involved here. You men make up the other half of a relationship. we need your input.

We understand the difference between men and women; the way you process things and the way you see things and deal with things. I have a son and a daughter and its so interesting to watch the differences. My son goes into a shop and picks something in seconds, while my daugher dily dalys just like me. We always keep her receipts just in case she wants to return the item.

So dont siddon look. I am sure that meddler wont mind you asking her questions. We are all learning.

Sagamite:


Not every woman wants or can handle facts and objectivity like you. Most prefer to be lied to especially in situations they have out of control. It makes them feel better.

It is her private life, so I have to respect it.

chaircover:


Errrrmmmmmm
Sometimes but not always
If I ask you if if you like my new hairstyle and you say NO; then you are looking for my trouble. My objectivity no reach that one

Sagamite:


Not every woman wants or can handle facts and objectivity like you. Most prefer to be lied to especially in situations they have out of control. It makes them feel better.

It is her private life, so I have to respect it.

Meddler:


Sagamite please I will actually be honored if u could make your own input. I'm honestly not looking for sympathy, I'm just trying to process everything logically. I have asked my husband and he has literally given me all the details of the affair (or atleast I think he has) even the most painful ones. I sat and I listened to all of them without flipping out. That include all the intimate details, what he felt after each encounter, how he felt when he was with her. Why he found it hard to break it off - so yes I know pretty much everything and it was not easy hearing all that in anyway.

I process things when I understand them and that's why I outlined everything above. I have taken some blame in the situation but I know that this was in no shape or form was fault and I would never accept responsibility for his actions. Lord knows I gave him free reign. Coming back late at night without questions trusting fully that he was where he said he was.

I guess in hindsight I might have been a little bit too trusting because I confronted him twice about this coworker and he said absolutely nothing was going on and I believed him. I saw incriminating bbm chats between both of them and he still told me nothing happened and I believed him and there were a couple more instances and he still assured me nothing was going on. It wasn't until he started hiding his phone from me and saying he had people listed as private contacts did alarm bells start going off. So yes I saw signs but trusted him because he was my husband and believed he won't be so callous as to do something like this.

So if you have any questions, inputs please submit them. I really want to hear them as that would further help me understand what possibly led to this.

nwababy:
Hello Nlanders, I have good News! Am so over the moon and am thankful to God for giving me a patient heart; though it wasn't easy for me then(I thought mine is always different)I didn't know that God is planning mine in a special way. I almost disconnected from things around me cos of the lingering. Is only someone in my shoe that will understand how I feel. Meanwhile, the good news is multiple sha. God indeed maketh all things beautiful in his time. I thank God that I didn't persuade my fiance (though I tried severally lol I abi trouble maker oh I even reminded him of how almost all my suitors has married is well sha) the Uncle turned out to be nice and acted the role of a father very well on the introduction day. (Sponsered everything they came with monetary wise, it was a surprise) my traditional wedding has been fixed by God's grace, and am running around for the preparation no time self. Finally, God blessed my fiance with a better job now a multi national. His blessings are so enormous. Who am I that his mindful of. I only hear this kind of testimony as a story now am sharing mine. Word aren't enough to express how grateful iam to God. The white wedding shall be next year by His grace. I believe that everything shall turn out successful IJN. Baba God dalu.

chaircover:
We understand the difference between men and women; the way you process things and the way you see things and deal with things. I have a son and a daughter and its so interesting to watch the differences. My son goes into a shop and picks something in seconds, while my daugher dily dalys just like me. We always keep her receipts just in case she wants to return the item.

So dont siddon look. I am sure that meddler wont mind you asking her questions. We are all learning.

Sagamite:


Okay.

Why do you want to give the relationship continuation a try?

Why do you think your relationship is for him?

What do you think you bring into the relationship that makes you deserve him being exclusive with you?

How do you see your ability in making him happy?

Did he marry you because (i) he wanted to marry you or (ii) he wanted to marry or (iii) he felt you expected marriage?

Do you feel you create an environment that enables him to freely express himself?

Note: These are not attacking questions or putting the burden of blame on you, they are root-to-branch analysis of the foundation and configuration of the relationship from your perspective of how you meet his perspective and expectations. Same can be asked of him.

Modern relationship is effed up. Many men are too ball-less to dictate what they want and how the want it, and many women live a life of perceived entitlement.

bukatyne:


Strange in this stance as her husband cheated on her and not the other way round.

It is not women who think they have the right to cheat and not be cheated on in marriage

fellis:
@bold, I respect the uniqueness in your family but let me just point out here that not all women dilly dally or whatever its called. I would be greatly offended if anyone meeting me for the first time rushes to assume I am the type that will always beat about the bush or drag her feet just because I am female. Peace.

Sagamite:


chaircover, you see wetin I dey say?

Okay, but women think they have a right/entitlement to a man's commitment?

carefreewannabe:



Men don't?

Sagamite:


They do. But women do more.

carefreewannabe:


He married her. Marriage is commitment. If he didn't want to commit, he should not have married her. It is simple, it is common sense.

You don't want commitment, don't expect it either. Fair play.

Men want to eat their cake and have it. Unfair creatures.

Sagamite:


chaircover, you see wetin I dey say?

Okay, but women think they have a right/entitlement to a man's commitment?

Sagamite:


chaircover, you see why I like to siddon watch. See as they crawl out with their sense of entitlements and "men have responsibilities".

You will hear a lot of "should, should, should", when reality they face is "would".

bukatyne:


@bold: What did you say?

Partners have a right and entitlement to their spouses' commitment. I am entitled to my husband's commitment and my husband is entitled to my commitment.

If I am not ready to commit, marriage is not by force.

Sagamite:

I don't like to comment too much on issues like hers because I would be direct and logical; not insulting, victimising or attacking. But I would ask her questions that would query her position, not support her just because she feels wronged.

Most women are not receptive to such facts or objectivity, they just want people like you to listen and give words of support and encouragement.

You are doing a good job in giving her what she wants to hear. Saga Saga does not follow that line, so I go siddon look.

carefreewannabe:


It doesn't change the fact that men want to eat their cake and have it. When confronted, they will find excuses such as men are polygamous by nature, a woman has no libido.

Sagamite:


How many men do the average woman plan to and want to sleep with?

How many does the average man?

carefreewannabe:


Even if the average man wants to sleep with a 1000 women and the average woman with only 10, does not change the fact that he wants to do it but wants her to control her desire to sleep if only with five.

They want to eat their cake and have it.

Sagamite:


Now we are confident you are aware men are more polygamous.