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This Is A Must Read For All, Especially married and Intending Couples / I Caught My Pastor-husband Naked, ‘counselling’ A Naked Church Member —wife / Fun- Bonding Activities For Couples (2) (3) (4)
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Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 8:23am On Nov 26, 2014 |
Chrisbenogor: Hmmmmmm rightly said The truth is that no one really knows how one will react when one is faced with these things. All these my advise gan, if I was faced with the reality, I will probably behave different and it will be like ha sisi siacofa how come naw? The reality is that every situation is different and even such things as timing, other issues, finances, existing health of the relationship, children and a heap of other things will determine what happens next. I just wish that people knew how damaging and hurtful it is to cheat on someone and then weigh it out first. They will see that the 3 minutes excitment in a dirty hotel room is just not worth it at all. 4 Likes |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by bellong: 8:59am On Nov 26, 2014 |
chaircover: It could be in a 7-star hotel located under water.... |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by MadCow1: 9:27am On Nov 26, 2014 |
chaircover: [b]Madam.. Leave all these small girls wey full here wey dey form Online James Bond.. CHEATING IN MARRIAGE is way way different from CHEATING IN BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND relationships.. I have seen enough to start tp pity women. I have witnessed a Man whose wife tracked him to a (Corner side) hotel in Port Harcourt and confronted him live in the reception.. As the Woman was losing her mind and acting a fool there, the Man looks to the Hotel Manager like to say; What type of embarassment is this.. Nna men, Na so Security come evict the woman from the Hotel o!! The Man collect Key, carry ehn Babe enter room.. LIVE!! As in!!! I was in shock.. A few hours later, the Man comes out and drives away.. The WOman was still outside inside her car crying.. I have seen Women whose husbands even impregnated a girl outside stay in the marriage.. Even made moves to adopt the child from the side boo. Marriage I tell the young ones is a big game changer.. Everything you thought you knew about marriage flies out the window most especially when you are in an unfaithful and abusive relationship.. [/b] 7 Likes |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Sagamite(m): 9:47am On Nov 26, 2014 |
Meddler: That is good. You understand a good part of it. A belief in communication is a very good starting point. But that is really only about 50% of the solution. If you remember, I asked earlier "Do you feel you create an environment that enables him to freely express himself?" and you mannerisms and body language is one that potentially is not receptive, or show you are hurt, or demonstrate you are going to condemn, get annoyed and cause trouble, or you are going to bring out the bible and scream "With the blood of JEESUS! FATHER, I banish the devil from the soul of this man", of course he would be reluctant to communicate. For example, I have always been comfortable joking with girlfriends about type of girls I find attractive and what features about another girl I think is sexy. Likewise I am comfortable with them telling me same about guys. I am confident and don't feel threatened. I expect girls to pick up hints from there. If I say a skirt fits a girls body shape, maybe it might make sense for my girl to think of what fits her body shape when picking a skirt to buy instead of just buying some BS she say in a magazine that they say is 'in fashion' and when she wears it (because she wants to feel among), it makes her look like a potato or The second part (with the communication receptiveness stated above) of the other 50% is your ability to apply ZBA (Zero-Based Assumptions) this is coined from the ZBB (Zero-Based Budgeting) that accountants use. What this means is that you should drop all these traditional assumptions of what women think men want based on what THEY the women want them to want. Find out for real what he wants, don't assume. For fck sake, I don't give a flying flipping fcking SHYT about when we first met and our anniversary date. I don't give a flying flipping fcking SHYT about baby's weight in pounds and ounces. I don't give a flying flipping fcking SHYT about Xmas, Birthdays, Valentine and all the other meaningless commercialised celebrations. That is ME! That does not mean I would not make an attempt and participate if it means something to her, but don't expect that irrational enthusiasm from me and start shouting some bullocks about romanticism. IT IS NOT FCKING ME! I DON'T GIVE A FCKING HOOT! I would celebrate with you, but that is just me being nice and understanding what you want. But don't try and disturb me to care about these stuff or you gettig annoyed about the fact I don't care it is 2 years since we first kissed, I DON'T GADDAM REMEMBER IT. I like knowledge and money. That is what I give a hoot about and get excited about. And NO I don't like to talk everyday or for hours. I prefer to have my solitude most times and develop my knowledge. Sorry, I am letting off steam a bit while chatting with you. Meddler: Are you sure? You will not engage in emotional blackmail? Women tend to say this sort of things easily but they themselves don't even attempt to be straightforward when breaking up because they want to avoid the drama. They would rather use tactics (see points 5 & 6): https://www.nairaland.com/962850/ladies-which-these-dating-evils https://www.nairaland.com/962850/ladies-which-these-dating-evils/7#11126660 A lot of men just kowtow and do what society expects of them so no one says "You used that girl and dumbed her", "You wasted her time", "That is not how a real man behaves". And women love to revenge with calumniation and bitchtalking about people that have offended them. Meddler: Not many women have your personality nor the patience for a guy to tell them such. They think any guy "worth their precious princess time" should be besotted with them and head-over-hills without reservations (despite not knowing them well enough) from the very first time he sets his eyes on them and he should put all his trust in them. At least that is what love is considering what they read on Mills & Boons. Most women cannot handle honesty. That is a fact! They take some as personal attacks. Women listen: That dress looks horrible on you does not mean you are ugly. It just does not fit your damn arsse even though you like it. Your arsse/breast is not as big and nice as Zena's does not mean I don't like you or am not attracted to you, there are other things I find attractive about you hence why I am still here and still have a hard on. Yes, I know Tyson Beckford has better eyes than me. You can say it, I would not be offended. At least I know I have a better body than him and that is why you are with me. *Straight Face* Stop interpreting everything as negatively as possible and then upsetting yourself. Sorry Meddler, I went of-course and ranted again. Too much steam built up for women. Meddler: This is one major problem with marriage. Marrying for the wrong reasons or the wrong time for one or both parties. That is not to say yours is wrong or going to be a disaster. It could be all good in the end. I for one have always questioned why David Beckham or Wayne Rooney married so early. Geez! If I were them, I would have fcked the Whole World In My Hands, Fcked the Whole World In My Hands, I'll fck the Whole World In My Hands, Fck the Whooole World In My Hands ....................before I even think of anything called marriage maybe in my late 30s. Do you know the amount of hot girls these guys could have yanshed that they missed out on? Girls that would throw themselves on their rod? Then you see these ediots facing public shame cheating on their wives when they could have been like Eddie Irvine. Lesson: Both parties need to free-ly, without pressure, be interested in and in the right frame of mind for marriage. 2 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Chrisbenogor(m): 9:55am On Nov 26, 2014 |
chaircover:Again, this is true. The evidence however that abounds in the world (wars, conflicts, etc) does not show that "many" people are adept at managing these emotions. For me after being on the receiving end more than once in past relationships, I learned to take life a lot less seriously, in fact I think the priming that it is the worst thing that could happen in a relationship/marriage tends to increase the blow. Personally I advocate that each case be judged on its own merit, factors such as the personality of the individuals involved....are they both ruled by their heads alone or by their hearts. Then comes the root cause analysis.....if it can be handled by both parties. Was it a moment of pure physical pleasure ( men tend to be the culprits here - 3 minutes excitment in a Here is the catch though, regardless of what we choose.......we have to deal with reality. That is where our emotions 4 Likes |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by MadCow1: 10:58am On Nov 26, 2014 |
Chrisbenogor: Apostle Chris.. I see you!! Nairaland girls, Verily Verily I say unto you.. Chris is my Guyses in whom I am well pleased... MAKE UNA HOLD UNA EAR HAND TAKE HEAR WETIN E DEY TALK O!! Ehn Marriage CV big pass Ugo C. Ugo textbook .. 3 Likes |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by bukatyne(f): 11:10am On Nov 26, 2014 |
Madampinkolo: Welcome back |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by bukatyne(f): 11:12am On Nov 26, 2014 |
MadCow1: Truth is some people know themselves and what they can take or not take I had a facilitator who said he will never cheat on his wife because he knows that is the end. The wife has shown him that cheating is the end of the game. He said his wife can do practically anything to make the home happy but once he cheats, the game is over. Some people have a stand and stick 100% by it 6 Likes |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by bukatyne(f): 11:13am On Nov 26, 2014 |
Chrisbenogor: What is worse in a marriage than cheating and abuse? |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by MadCow1: 11:15am On Nov 26, 2014 |
bukatyne: Buka!! You don marry?! 1 Like |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by bukatyne(f): 11:18am On Nov 26, 2014 |
MadCow1: You wan use me do second wife Yes daddy, I don marwi My hubby worship the ground I walk but if I cheat, I should pack my stuffs from where he saw/caught and disappear forever. There is no need to apologize, nothing will come out of it and vice versa. 2 Likes |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by MadCow1: 11:29am On Nov 26, 2014 |
bukatyne: Daddy huh?! SWEEET!!! I liked that Until I saw you were married. Back to the Matter.. I am not saying people dont bail out of marriages o!! But my dear, if you are honest with yourself and well aware of some of the shiit that goes on in many peoples homes, you would realise that many women reduce their tolerance treshold from the 'If he cheats i'm out' level to as low as 'Its just one baby na, I can still manage' level before they leave.. I have seen very strong women broken down beyond their wildest imaginations because of marriage. The external pressure and the shame alot are enough shackles to keep a woman bound in a bad relationship against her will. I once wrote about a woman who was about 8 Months pregnant with their first baby and the Husband beat her so bad, she to her brothers house. The Man went to the Borthers house and beat her there, dragged her by the hair into his car, took off at break neck speed and ended up in an accident with his pregnant wife inside the car.. You would think that this was the end.. MBA!! Guess what the woman said about the matter:: She said her husband beats her because its a weakness that he has. O!! And she is a Graduate working woman. Instead of many of these young girls to be forming NIKITA online, they should rather pray that their eyes should never see what their legs cant run away from. 8 Likes |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by bukatyne(f): 11:39am On Nov 26, 2014 |
MadCow1: LOL @ sweet True @ bolded. I think a lot did not really mean all the gra gra they said. Some say it because that is what is in vogue . How do you explain a lady who cannot 'stand' cheating or abuse marry a cheat/flirt or a guy who has given her one or two slaps? If her guy has not, what was her reaction to those it happened to around her? I am also happy you see that there are a lot of shitty marriages around here. Women really really see in marriages. I know myself wella and I cannot stand cheating and abuse. During our counseling classes, my pastor asked what will make me leave (we were treating for better for worse topic) and I told him C & A. He was surprised because others would have said 'nothing' (although he knows me to be very honest & blunt ). Any other thing (apart from rituals), I am ready to work it out @final bolded: True that. Marrying the right person eliminates most of these things and not tall/handsome/rich smooth operator they are seeking about |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Chrisbenogor(m): 11:43am On Nov 26, 2014 |
MadCow1:LWKMD Ugo C Ugo My brother sometimes ehn we dey give ourselves "unneccesary" BP. Hayam watching you with three eyes |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by MadCow1: 11:47am On Nov 26, 2014 |
bukatyne: When the Pastor asked me what would make me leave my Marriage; I simply said the day she stops loving me. #Period.. 2 Likes |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by bukatyne(f): 11:53am On Nov 26, 2014 |
MadCow1: LOL! God help us While a good choice is to walk out when he is cheats/abuses, a perfect choice is for either of us not to mess up majorly (there will always be minor mess ups as we weren't perfect) and live happily together till all our teeth are out |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by MadCow1: 12:10pm On Nov 26, 2014 |
bukatyne: [b]God help us indeed.. All I want to tell these intending couples be say make una make sure say una shine una eye o!! Love is not Blind o!! Marriage is not a Bed of roses per se and Life in marriage is not very friendly especially to women. Most women in abusive relationships that I personally know of all say the exact same thing; "I feel trapped". No be say the man dey lock them inside house like Rapunzel o! But the invincible shackles that weigh them down are heavy.. A girl I know is about to get married to a Man she obviously does not like. She only continued the relationship because of desparation of getting married as she is approaching her mid-thirties... I saw some messages and mails she had exchanged with her her fiancee and I cold feel the chills run through my veins. I cant tell anybody to leave a relationship (make dem no later say na me pour sand for their garri) but MY GOODNESS, no counsellor would read those mails and advice them to continue with the marriage.. Guess what she said:: I am Trapped.. Whats trapping her?! They had an elaborate society style introduction complete with Aso-Ebi, Party and blocking street with canopy (yoruba Owambe style).. Invites for the wedding has gone out.. SO how does she back out without embarassing herself and her family?! LOL.. Make una go meet Chris for advice o! [/b] 1 Like |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Ilovenigeria(f): 12:10pm On Nov 26, 2014 |
I don't know why I'm not enjoying this thread anymore. Big grammar and long epistle msteew. Some people should go back to where they came from. This thread is not meant for this kind of argument biko. 5 Likes |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by bellong: 12:12pm On Nov 26, 2014 |
^^^ Which argument? Can you give a specific example? 2 Likes |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Chrisbenogor(m): 12:19pm On Nov 26, 2014 |
bukatyne:CHai Aswear this one na serious jamb kweshun, and na night school I go. Oya make I try the kweshun make I no fail am. First off, I think all marriages are different. We can draw broad circles around areas which majority of couples would agree are no go areas however we must also try to add some "common sense" into it. There are a myriad of reasons why people decide to get hitched, not everyone get married because romeo met juliet and they fell in love. Take bisi for instance, a young girl who marries otedola's friend because of his billions her worst thing in marriage might not be the number of naked girls dancing in his yacht during weekends. For her wahala go burst when she catch any woman trying to actually "snatch" him. She grew up soaking garri on the streets of Sagbama and swore that she would be carried inside the jeep that she rushes to sell edible worm to inside traffic. How about patricia, she grew up with so many relatives from her fathers side around. They constantly caused issues between her father and her mother until the man died while they were in a rocky patch of the marriage. Family members stripped everything from the mum, they had to struggle to survive for her nightmare is when you see your husbands people in the house - THEY MUST STAY THE HELL OUT. Lady B, there are so many of us with different stories and different value systems in marriage. What is certain is that when you dig slightly deeper, you will see that we have the real demons which we would rather live without. So while your yardsticks for cheating might be a bit stringent, some other people are on different levels of the spectrum (even among spouses). This spectrum also shifts with circumstances, you swear before the wedding day you will leave him if he tries it. 10 years after he is a loving father to his kids, never let you guys fear or worry about the future, breaks his back for the family and while on a 6 months business trip in brazil he slips. It is easier said than done to say I will pack my bags, because when you put the things he is good at side by side his "mistake" or "weakness" - also in comparison to what is out there or loneliness should you decide to go that way you would agree that it is truly a complex matter. I am rambling now, na this agama lizard tok make me get C5.9 for GCE after 3 trials and TB joshua intervenshion 5 Likes |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 12:35pm On Nov 26, 2014 |
I hate to say it but the guys are serving it REAL and HOT! Sometimes, when I read all these cheating stories, I just weak! It's easier to deal with in casual relationships |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 12:42pm On Nov 26, 2014 |
bukatyne: To add to the discussion,I completely understand that people cannot believe a married woman would share her body with someonelse.It is completely distasteful to the ear and the first rash reaction is 'impossible','online warrior' 'jackie chan' etc.BUT married women are cheating as well.Who are these married women?Some must be on nairaland? They find it hard to believe cheating can destroy a marriage,that the woman will walk out.I understand that as well because they feel after taking stock of everything,they must find reason to stay back and continue.It may be hard for them to realise that it's BECAUSE after taking stock,it will be torture to stay back. They do not understand the torture of being haunted by the image of Dh and another woman/women writhing around bed,car,floor is unbearable.The blow to self esteem,the questions,loss of trust,paranoia,emotional withdrawal,the betrayal. Emotions run very very deep,the more you love someone,the deeper the betrayal..you lose everything you believe in in just one instant.Everytime he talks,you become bitter and call him a liar.When he steps out of the house,you wonder where hes going.If he comes home late,you rant and rail.The love will be irretrievably broken and the marriage will NEVER EVER be the same.Some part of you will be jaded forever. I watched my mother lose the light in her eyes.My mum is the most cynical human being on this planet.Sweet woman,accomplished but deeply unhappy marriage wise.A different child may see this and move on,but for me a very emotionally sensitive and temperamental child,I was scarred.I took it personal and knew early that I wouldn't be able to live side by side with a cheater I find it disgraceful that the emotional well being of the woman/man cheated on is rarely explored.We mostly have the attitude of bear it and get over it.Very terrible. If i choose not to leave,my emotional make up insists that the books be balanced.I won't be able to continue if i don't get some form of justice.Whatever that justice is,I have to be satisfied that i am desirable,someonelse wants me.How far i choose to carry that out,I don't know.No one knows my se x -o - meter or my views and attitude towards s ex.So don't automatically assume that I may have to fall inlove inorder to have an or gasm.Now the response may not be today or tomorrow but the fact remains I may now be more receptive to flattery and flirting in a bid to validate myself. Now,if i don't do anything I will be bitter,I will be screaming daily,i will nag,i will be an angry person and i will make life hell.I will remind him of it everyday.I may mock him whenever he talks. I won't be able to have s ex with him without the mental picture of them moaning and screeching.Who would want to live like this forever?Sorry won't work. The Jesus/prayer brigade shouldn't bother,it won't work.I feel like it's only when i feel some kind of balance that I will be able to move forward. Imagine having children in this sort of environment..It's a horrible thought.Now,is it better for a temperamental person to raise kids in such an atmosphere?You must take into consideration the emotional stability of the person cheated on.I have lived this nightmare with my folks abeg,can't repeat it. People should not underestimate the next person or believe their expected response should be this or that just because they've seen it as the norm.Mrs Bobbit hacked out her DH pe nis,who would have thought that possible? Now,if DH caught me cheating i wonder if he'd be viewed as jackie chan if he decides to leave me,if he'd be insulted for going out and sleeping with other women inorder to make himself feel better.Very very funny... 100 years an excellent mother,excellent wife and mistakenly shagged a man at a WHO conference..would that change the outcome for me?Male/female for me it's no different. The more deeply you love someone,the more likely you are to respond crazily to betrayal. 20-30 years down the line when im much older,my feelings may be less volatile but I know the rebel inside me would still find a way to respond. 9 Likes |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Sagamite(m): 2:21pm On Nov 26, 2014 |
carefreewannabe: Extremely good points all the way through. I have highlighted the part relevant to my point though which you have stated yourself: Of course everyone have a right to have personal expectations but it is not their right for someone to have to give it to them. No one can deny anyone their rights on what to feel, but it is not their right for another person to deliver that feeling. 1 Like |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Sagamite(m): 2:24pm On Nov 26, 2014 |
Chrisbenogor: When I see that marriage is to my advantage. 2 Likes |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Wendy80(f): 2:45pm On Nov 26, 2014 |
MadCow1: So true. I pray for hubby neva to cheat rather than saying what I'll do if he does. Just like sisi chaircover said u won't even know what to do when reality is staring @u. Marriage isn't boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. 1 Like |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 3:17pm On Nov 26, 2014 |
3 Likes |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by ephi123(f): 4:40pm On Nov 26, 2014 |
How is Meddler doing? Hope you are okay, it's a day at a time. As you mentioned you are expecting, I would say it's important to keep your energy level up for the sake of the baby and try not to think too much about what's happened already. You are in our prayers. |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 5:29pm On Nov 26, 2014 |
Madampinkolo:I pray your confidence in him is restored. It seems to me you are afraid of your husband hurting you like your father hurt your mom so you want to be her opposite but in trying so hard to not be like your mother your fears may drive you to create the same thing you don't want you may think you are doing things differently but as long as you don't think much of a person......it shows without you even knowing, this may make the person pull away and look for where they are well thought of in spite of their best intentions and then your fears would've manifested i am not saying disregard the reality of his flaws but perhaps you can think more of his commitment to you and the marriage. Cheating, lack, not providing all feel like terrible situations to me none is better than the other and i hope you don't experience any. Thank you for sharing and i wish you speedy healing in your marriage. 2 Likes |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 5:43pm On Nov 26, 2014 |
Sagamite: We were not talking about feelings. We were talking about expectations. And of course you cannot force anyone to fulfill your expectations and that is why it is better to stay away from morally crooked people who will expect someone to give them this or that but will not do the same even though they pretend to. And when the truth reveals itself some day, they will give their partners all sort of excuses they were giving themselves when deceiving their partners. Extremely selfish and unfair. |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by cococandy(f): 5:53pm On Nov 26, 2014 |
Very deep Madampinkolo: 2 Likes |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 6:20pm On Nov 26, 2014 |
andromida: Thank you Andromida, It's all sooo complex, and we've come a long way.. That was mainly around the first year when i was very very paranoid..I then relaxed till the inlaw thing caused another confidence crisis. Please,i don't think little of him..I just know the areas where he's weak and boy o boy does he know mine!!.Seems magnified here because that is what i'm talking of but we don't go round all day saying pinkolo doesn't have confidence in me. We have identified where we have a problem and are working on it.I will definitely focus on our commitment to each other..he is very committed and an excellent man in so many ways. Truth is i love him and he loves me..that's all that matters.There will always be challenges..Im the pessimist,hes the optimist..Hopefully we will ride on till we die.Please,i write with so much passion..doesn't mean i'm a ball of fury or a mass of pain..I'm just a woman married to a man who i love..I've hurt him,he's hurt me..We are holding on to each other no matter what ( except Cheating gist riles me up abeg,opens soo many wounds that i'm trying to get over..i'm done with it. Meddler,please forgive me for talking about myself..Right now it's about you. Please,give your bump a kiss for me..I just know that no matter what,you will be fine. ephi123, Don't ever listen to me o 4 Likes |
Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 6:45pm On Nov 26, 2014 |
@madampinkolo, you def are not a ball of fury or a mass of pain i just saw your fears which we all have but mostly your strength. Except |
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