I know the issue of domestic violence has been over-flogged, but is it really reducing? Sometimes I sit back and wonder why a lot of people attach extreme importance to marriage. I mean, I know it is important (I am married myself) but I really don't buy the idea of the institution of marriage being regarded as an end to itself.

Was reading this post (https://www.nairaland.com/2064882/what-right-does-pastor-disgracing) and got really livid when I came across this comment:

kaima1984:
50% right,for him t talk to sis faith like that,it means that sis faith has been rejecting suitor's my dear,for d fact that he reacted that way on her it means he want d best f her,d pastor is her spiritual director,lastly some issues are solved in an extreme way like this

and to even think it was written by a woman

I have a friend who has been married for 27 years and has been going through severe domestic abuse (mental, physical, psychological, emotional) but will not leave the marriage for reasons I would consider flimsy; "...divorce goes against my God and I will not sin against him..."
When will people realize that marriage was made for the satisfaction and enjoyment of both parties, and not the torture and endurance of either? I used to think her case was that of normal couples' misunderstanding until her children showed me a video of her husband doing the deed. This reduced me to sobbing like a 5-year-old. Why would a man in his mid-50's be pulling his wife's hair like he is attempting to de-scalp her, while whipping her severely with the buckle of his belt (I counted more than 30 strokes round her body in the video ) all the while intermittently punching and slapping her face? And to think that he didn't care doing it in front of their children? And from what I could grab, the reason for that was so trivial that I couldn't bring myself to fathom it: Because she drove one of his cars and came back with a dent on it.

Marriage should be seen as a means to an end; the end being "HAPPINESS" and not an end in itself, so if you are not yet married, do not allow the society put unnecessary pressure on you because if you get into an endurance marriage, the society won't be there to sympathize with you. And if you are married and your marriage is all about gloom, don't be scared to get out ASAP, because if you get maimed, you will almost certainly suffer it alone, and if you die, someone else will take your place. The world will not end.

Personally, I would rather be divorced and happy, than married and broken...

You guys keep saying the same thing every time
.......some ladies see these bad traits in them before marriage and yet they still go about with getting married, so tell ladies they should erase the idea of dating a bad guy and thinking he will or they can change him after marriage

Divorce should be a last resort.Every effort should be made to work out the problems that arise but if there is no end in sight,especially the abuse,it must come to an end.

What is however more important is the foundation of the marriage.Young people are getting into marriages with the foundation of greed and material gains.There is a lot of impatience too and sexual relationships becloud the mind to pay attention to the more important things......respect,friendship,level headedness etc

^^ Well said.

A lot of ladies are at fault here. Judging a man's suitability for marriage based on the quantity and quality of gifts he showers on her, rather than using that precious dating period to study his character, have in-depth conversations with him to assess his views on the really relevant stuff...like his views on finance, career prospects after childbirth, ironing out religious differences, and even social matters like how they plan on relating with in-laws, and so on.

The sky is so big for every bird to fly. GOD has given every human the freedom of CHOICE before and after marriage and if a woman decides not to exercise jer freedom of choice by leaving and decides to stay what the hell is my business with that after all nobody can't help anyone who doesn't want to help herself well. In fact it has come to my notice that some women enjoy violence and abuse. It makes them feel good and turns them on.







abeg next

The vows most people have taken during their wedding include "for better and for worse, till death do us part". As a Christian, the bible says we must keep our vows. A husband with an abusive streak is still a husband (a wife too if she's the abusive one). And divorce is not the Christian way. However, the Bible holds EVERYONE responsible for their own actions and a woman (or man) who remains in an abusive marriage because "of what people will say, because I am an elder in church, because of the children, because...." should have her (his) head examined. You are married to the fellow, that's sad. But you do not need to wait for the fellpw to maim or worse, kill you before you act. Even the donkey Balaam was flogging opened it's mouth when the flogging became too much!

Divorce is not right, but a seperation (and moving the kids out too!) is very appropriate. It is needed to save your life, it is needed to remove the kids from an improper environment and it is necessary to show the man (or woman) the error of their ways. That may just be what is needed to bring them back to their senses (if they had it before).

AND DON'T LET SOCIETY PRESSURE YOU INTO GOING BACK UNTIL THE FELLOW GETS PROFESSIONAL AND EMPERICALLY MEASURABLE HELP!

EfemenaXY:
^^ Well said.

A lot of ladies are at fault here. Judging a man's suitability for marriage based on the quantity and quality of gifts he showers on her, rather than using that precious dating period to study his character, have in-depth conversations with him to assess his views on the really relevant stuff...like his views on finance, career prospects after childbirth, ironing out religious differences, and even social matters like how they plan on relating with in-laws, and so on.

This, to me, is the reason for the largest number of faulty marriages

LewsTherin:
The vows most people have taken during their wedding include "for better and for worse, till death do us part". As a Christian, the bible says we must keep our vows. A husband with an abusive streak is still a husband (a wife too if she's the abusive one). And divorce is not the Christian way. However, the Bible holds EVERYONE responsible for their own actions and a woman (or man) who remains in an abusive marriage because "of what people will say, because I am an elder in church, because of the children, because...." should have her (his) head examined. You are married to the fellow, that's sad. But you do not need to wait for the fellpw to maim or worse, kill you before you act. Even the donkey Balaam was flogging opened it's mouth when the flogging became too much!
Divorce is not right, but a seperation (and moving the kids out too!) is very appropriate. It is needed to save your life, it is needed to remove the kids from an improper environment and it is necessary to show the man (or woman) the error of their ways. That may just be what is needed to bring them back to their senses (if they had it before).
AND DON'T LET SOCIETY PRESSURE YOU INTO GOING BACK UNTIL THE FELLOW GETS PROFESSIONAL AND EMPERICALLY MEASURABLE HELP!

I agree with a lot of what you've said except the bit about having an abusive spouse. Yes, separation and taking the kids out of that environment is good, whilst he/she seeks professional help.

But what if the spouse is broken beyond repair and no amount of help can cure them? What if the spouse is addicted to alcohol or hard drugs /class A drugs and is unable to overcome their addiction? What then?

Remain in that hell of a marriage? Even the Catholic church which adopts a hard line stance on divorce does grant special dispensation when lives are at risk.

EfemenaXY:



I agree with a lot of what you've said except the bit about having an abusive spouse. Yes, separation and taking the kids out of that environment is good, whilst he/she seeks professional help.

But what if the spouse is broken beyond repair and no amount of help can cure them? What if the spouse is addicted to alcohol or hard drugs /class A drugs and is unable to overcome their addiction? What then?

Remain in that hell of a marriage? Even the Catholic church which adopts a hard line stance on divorce does grant special dispensation when lives are at risk.

True. But I still don't agree with divorce even in that case. Considering that I am not convinced on the divorce-in-the-event-of-infidelity. Like I always say, it's your cross. Carry it. It means the man (or woman) remains your spouse even when you can never go back to living as man and wife or even loving in the same vicinity. It's hard but then Jesus never told us the road will be easy. He said He will help us through it.

Note, this is MY PERSONAL opinion, ok. But it is what I believe my faith requires of me.

Hmmmmm....

lilmax:
You guys keep saying the same thing every time
.......some ladies see these bad traits in them before marriage and yet they still go about with getting married, so tell ladies they should erase the idea of dating a bad guy and thinking he will or they can change him after marriage

thorpido:
Divorce should be a last resort.Every effort should be made to work out the problems that arise but if there is no end in sight,especially the abuse,it must come to an end.
What is however more important is the foundation of the marriage.Young people are getting into marriages with the foundation of greed and material gains.There is a lot of impatience too and sexual relationships becloud the mind to pay attention to the more important things......respect,friendship,level headedness etc

EfemenaXY:
^^ Well said.
A lot of ladies are at fault here. Judging a man's suitability for marriage based on the quantity and quality of gifts he showers on her, rather than using that precious dating period to study his character, have in-depth conversations with him to assess his views on the really relevant stuff...like his views on finance, career prospects after childbirth, ironing out religious differences, and even social matters like how they plan on relating with in-laws, and so on.

Yes a whole lot of women get married for reasons that will not qualify as logical, I get that. But what happens when a woman believes she is under the illusion of love? Is that also a crime?

The lady I used as an example has been married for 27 years. The hubby didn't even have a decent job when they got married so the material things idology just can't hold water. She is a pharmacist and was fortunate to get a good job after her NYSC which they used to survive for years until he settled financially. She is not a young person and divorce should definitely be a last resort, but she says this has been going on for over 20 years with no sign of any light at the end of the tunnel.

The perspective of most ladies (and to a larger extent, the society) on marriage makes me consider it as one highly overrated institution.

LewsTherin:


True. But I still don't agree with divorce even in that case. Considering that I am not convinced on the divorce-in-the-event-of-infidelity. Like I always say, it's your cross. Carry it. It means the man (or woman) remains your spouse even when you can never go back to living as man and wife or even loving in the same vicinity. It's hard but then Jesus never told us the road will be easy. He said He will help us through it.

Note, this is MY PERSONAL opinion, ok. But it is what I believe my faith requires of me.

Hmmm...you introduced an interesting twist. Yes, even the bible does give that as a valid reason for divorcing an unfaithful spouse, doesn't it?

Let's look at this from another angle. Would you still have the same views if you were on the receiving end of a cheating spouse who not only belittles you in the presence of her lovers, but has told you times without number that she's having unprotected sex with them in her bid to get pregnant.

Seriously, would you still cling on to such a relationship?

SAMBARRY:
The sky is so big for every bird to fly. GOD has given every human the freedom of CHOICE before and after marriage and if a woman decides not to exercise jer freedom of choice by leaving and decides to stay what the hell is my business with that after all nobody can't help anyone who doesn't want to help herself well. In fact it has come to my notice that some women enjoy violence and abuse. It makes them feel good and turns them on.



abeg next

Seeing that it is not your business, you could have simply ignored the thread. But no, you still had to comment.........

mprexx:


Seeing that it is not your business, you could have simply ignored the thread. But no, you still had to comment.........

is it in your sitting room I commented abi which one is ya own. Mr man respect yasef and face ya front o

EfemenaXY:


Hmmm...you introduced an interesting twist. Yes, even the bible does give that as a valid reason for divorcing an unfaithful spouse, doesn't it?

Let's look at this from another angle. Would you still have the same views if you were on the receiving end of a cheating spouse who not only belittles you in the presence of her lovers, but has told you times without number that she's having unprotected sex with them in her bid to get pregnant.

Seriously, would you still cling on to such a relationship?

I didn't say I would still be living with said spouse now, did I? That's where the seperation comes in. Look at this example. My aunty, married in the 80s, and her husband left her about 3 years after their daughter was born. The girl is in her 20s now, the man is remarried and has kids with his new wife. This is Nigeria where a man can just walk out of a relationship and with no legal notice, has divorced his wife. My aunty has never remarried. She is seperated from her husband (who believes he has divorced her) But she know that even though the bible says you can be divorced for infidelity (very clear in her case), same bible says anyone who marries someone who puts away his wife, or the wife that has been put away, is guilty of adultery, same as the put away wife! A seperation may just be till you die. And to protect yourself, there may be cause for seperation especially with the example you gave. But the marriage vows are still valid before God.

I get the point you're making Efe, but I love my aunt and she believes the same thing I believe. I know how lonely she sometimes feels. But that is what we believe and if we don't live according to our principles and beliefs, what else is there for us?

LewsTherin:
The vows most people have taken during their wedding include "for better and for worse, till death do us part". As a Christian, the bible says we must keep our vows. A husband with an abusive streak is still a husband (a wife too if she's the abusive one). And divorce is not the Christian way. However, the Bible holds EVERYONE responsible for their own actions and a woman (or man) who remains in an abusive marriage because "of what people will say, because I am an elder in church, because of the children, because...." should have her (his) head examined. You are married to the fellow, that's sad. But you do not need to wait for the fellpw to maim or worse, kill you before you act. Even the donkey Balaam was flogging opened it's mouth when the flogging became too much!

Divorce is not right, but a seperation (and moving the kids out too!) is very appropriate. It is needed to save your life, it is needed to remove the kids from an improper environment and it is necessary to show the man (or woman) the error of their ways. That may just be what is needed to bring them back to their senses (if they had it before).

AND DON'T LET SOCIETY PRESSURE YOU INTO GOING BACK UNTIL THE FELLOW GETS PROFESSIONAL AND EMPIRICALLY MEASURABLE HELP!

Maybe if I was just told by someone who heard, or I had not seen the video, I wouldn't be advocating divorce. Here's a man who has chased her from their home over 3 times (the second time with two of their children) only to come begging and then she'll return saying "...as children of God, we should forgive..." only for it to happen over again. Sometime in 2007 when he chased her out, she stayed with me and I didn't know to what extent it was so I urged her to only ensure (probably in writing) that he would not hit her again. Since then, I've become an enemy in their house. I am not welcome there, and if the husband finds out she came to my office, "all hell will break loose".
Is that the definition of what marriage is supposed to be?

I'm not saying she should remarry, I'm saying she should leave him for good. Legally!

mprexx:




Yes a whole lot of women get married for reasons that will not qualify as logical, I get that. But what happens when a woman believes she is under the illusion of love? Is that also a crime?

The lady I used as an example has been married for 27 years. The hubby didn't even have a decent job when they got married so the material things idology just can't hold water. She is a pharmacist and was fortunate to get a good job after her NYSC which they used to survive for years until he settled financially. She is not a young person and divorce should definitely be a last resort, but she says this has been going on for over 20 years with no sign of any light at the end of the tunnel.

The perspective of most ladies (and to a larger extent, the society) on marriage makes me consider it as one highly overrated institution.

My initial reply was in response to Thorpido's post. My subsequent replies to Lewis are more in line with what I would have typed out in response to yours.

I totally agree with your initial comments pertaining to the lady married to an abusive spouse for 27 years. That is no marriage as far as I'm concerned, but a sick master-slave relationships to put it lightly.

And I bet you those kids are damaged. The boys would see such abuse as the norm because it's what they grew up seeing, and it's all they know. The girls will also see it as normal and would expect their husbands or boyfriends to treat them in exactly the same manner.

SAMBARRY:
is it in your sitting room I commented abi which one is ya own. Mr man respect yasef and face ya front o

Noted. It's an open forum after all.

mprexx:


Noted. It's an open forum after all.

now you're talking. Good geh

LewsTherin:


I didn't say I would still be living with said spouse now, did I? That's where the seperation comes in. Look at this example. My aunty, married in the 80s, and her husband left her about 3 years after their daughter was born. The girl is in her 20s now, the man is remarried and has kids with his new wife. This is Nigeria where a man can just walk out of a relationship and with no legal notice, has divorced his wife. My aunty has never remarried. She is seperated from her husband (who believes he has divorced her) But she know that even though the bible says you can be divorced for infidelity (very clear in her case), same bible says anyone who marries someone who puts away his wife, or the wife that has been put away, is guilty of adultery, same as the put away wife! A seperation may just be till you die. And to protect yourself, there may be cause for seperation especially with the example you gave. But the marriage vows are still valid before God.

I get the point you're making Efe, but I love my aunt and she believes the same thing I believe. I know how lonely she sometimes feels. But that is what we believe and if we don't live according to our principles and beliefs, what else is there for us?

Your aunt has got a kid. Slight difference. Would she have remained unmarried if she didn't have kids?

More importantly, would you? In the prime of your youth (early 20's) watch your life pass you by, even though your spouse remarries and carries on with her life?

What's the point of separating if you never remarry?

mprexx:

Marriage should be seen as a means to an end; the end being "HAPPINESS" and not an end in itself, so if you are not yet married, do not allow the society put unnecessary pressure on you because if you get into an endurance marriage, the society won't be there to sympathize with you. And if you are married and your marriage is all about gloom, don't be scared to get out ASAP, because if you get maimed, you will almost certainly suffer it alone, and if you die, someone else will take your place. The world will not end.

Personally, I would rather be divorced and happy, than married and broken...

If only all women could think like this, the society will be a lot better.... (Un)fortunately, that won't happen anytime soon.

EfemenaXY:


Your aunt has got a kid. Slight difference. Would she have remained unmarried if she didn't have kids?

More importantly, would you? In the prime of your youth (early 20's) watch your life pass you by, even though your spouse remarries and carries on with her life?

What's the point of separating if you never remarry?

It's hard, it's difficult. But it is what my faith demands. And His grace will be sufficient for me. This is my belief. Even though it's not something I have faced, neither do I pray to face it.

I'll tell you something I was taught years back. Consider A situation you don't ever hope to face, or expect to face, but is an outcome that is within the realms of probability (no matter how infinitesimally small), plan how you will react to that situation. In the event such a situation does occur, your subconscious already has a plan and you find you will not be stuck on what to do.

Same here.

For me, I was engaged to my Lady for a year. During that time, we considered every possible scenario a couple could face and what we would do about it. I do not mean to be a bad husband and I know she does not mean to be a bad wife. But we both know that our default plan in the event of an unimaginable-highly-improbable disaster in our marriage will end in a seperation and not divorce as we both do not believe in divorce.

So, yes. I will remain single even if (gulp and shudder) she goes ahead and remarries. And that is carrying on with my life.

LewsTherin:

It's hard, it's difficult. But it is what my faith demands. And His grace will be sufficient for me. This is my belief. Even though it's not something I have faced, neither do I pray to face it.
I'll tell you something I was taught years back. Consider A situation you don't ever hope to face, or expect to face, but is an outcome that is within the realms of probability (no matter how infinitesimally small), plan how you will react to that situation. In the event such a situation does occur, your subconscious already has a plan and you find you will not be stuck on what to do.
Same here.
For me, I was engaged to my Lady for a year. During that time, we considered every possible scenario a couple could face and what we would do about it. I do not mean to be a bad husband and I know she does not mean to be a bad wife. But we both know that our default plan in the event of an unimaginable-highly-improbable disaster in our marriage will end in a seperation and not divorce as we both do not believe in divorce.
So, yes. I will remain single even if (gulp and shudder) she goes ahead and remarries. And that is carrying on with my life.

And without kids?

You'll confine your young life to one of abstinence and celibacy?

Really, LewsTherin?

EfemenaXY:


My initial reply was in response to Thorpido's post. My subsequent replies to Lewis are more in line.....

By the way, the name is Lews Therin. As in Lews Therin Thelamon (pronounced Looz), Lord of the morning, commander of the forces of the light, wielder of the Ring of Tarmylin, the Dragon. From the series The Wheel of Time by Robert Jordan

LewsTherin:


By the way, the name is Lews Therin. As in Lews Therin Thelamon (pronounced Looz), Lord of the morning, commander of the forces of the light, wielder of the Ring of Tarmylin, the Dragon. From the series The Wheel of Time by Robert Jordan

OMG!!

You must be a fan of Sci-fi

Yeah, I did include a vowel in there..my mistake..noted.

EfemenaXY:


And without kids?

You'll confine your young life to one of abstinence and celibacy?

Really, LewsTherin?

Strange, isn't it?
Do you know why I got married? I married My Lady because I was tired of not having her around 247. Kids were never on the list of reasons. Heck, if I could get away without having children, I would. 3 years before our first child and as at now, no plans to add another. My mother complained then, and she complains now and I told her if she really wants a baby, her husband is still alive . I married at 29, a virgin, even though I had some of the "baddest" friends on campus. It was a choice I made. If I could stick to it then...... The only difficulty I see in that scenario is the absence of a great companion. A void I can try filling with lots and lots of video games!!!

Classical dilemma between the head and the heart

LewsTherin:


Strange, isn't it?
Do you know why I got married? I married My Lady because I was tired of not having her around 247. Kids were never on the list of reasons. Heck, if I could get away without having children, I would. 3 years before our first child and as at now, no plans to add another. My mother complained then, and she complains now and I told her if she really wants a baby, her husband is still alive . I married at 29, a virgin, even though I had some of the "baddest" friends on campus. It was a choice I made. If I could stick to it then...... The only difficulty I see in that scenario is the absence of a great companion. A void I can try filling with lots and lots of video games!!!

Okay. But I don't believe you.

Not one bit, but let's agree to disagree about this.

EfemenaXY:


OMG!!

You must be a fan of Sci-fi

Yeah, I did include a vowel in there..my mistake..noted.

Addicted, my dear. Heck, I am about legally changing my name to include my Elvish name . I'm not using that on Nairaland cos there are those who would know exactly who I am. Where's anonymity when you need it, eh?

EfemenaXY:


Okay. But I don't believe you.

Not one bit, but let's agree to disagree about this.

No sweat. It took my crew 6 years of being roommates to finally conclude that I mean what I say. My folks still expect me to do something "normal"! So I am used to disbelief.

I'm still single so I don't know what is it to be a married man.
So all comment reserve till I'm married

stag:
Classical dilemma between the head and the heart

Please explain. Because for all I know, all the heart does is pump blood...