Iam married to the family breadwinner, a very compassionate generous man.
I get all my needs I cannot complain, my concern is his stance in the family he has a total of ten brothers seven of them being gainfully employed. Three are with us abroad the once at home live in the family land so they don't pay rent.
My husband is the only one paying for his father's medical care monthly , his two sisters school fees,supporting the unemployed brother at home, sends his mum monthly upkeep. His two siblings that he brought overseas will not help in anyway.
at this point I want my husband and I to buy a house we can live in when we go home.
Is it right to ask him to persuade the brothers with the family bills so we can establish ourselves too. Am I being selfish?

You have everything you need right?

Talk to your husband about what you feel..Shikena

Tallesty1:
You have everything you need right?

As far as bills getting payed.am fine but
Am looking at the future we need a home to retire to when we cannot work.
We need a future plan but with all this commitments we have no future. No future savings or plan.

Akranez:
Talk to your husband about what you feel..Shikena

planning to do so just wasn't sure if I sounded mean.

Miami11:

As far as bills getting payed.am fine but
Am looking at the future we need a home to retire to when we cannot work.
We need a future plan but with all this commitments we have no future. No future savings or plan.

Listen dear, you husband is a generous man(according to you), that is his nature. You can't change it, nobody can! Some people are that way, helping people is what gives them joy. 2ndly, every family is got a messiah; seems to me your husby is the messiah in their family. Just talk to him about investing for the future, a responsible man will understand. Telling him to stop helping his own family might land you into some trouble.

Miami11:
planning to do so just wasn't sure if I sounded mean.

Personally.. I don't think you are mean..

It all goes down to planning.He shouldn't stop helpin his family.Sit down with ur husband nd tell him ur fears.Both of u need to put ur heads 2geda nd plan abt ur future.

I wish my husband's family were appreciative of his help, in a family of 21 kids two wives he is the fifteenth kid not the eldest. He has brought two siblings to US. His older brother has 12 kids with no job and my husband took over the education of one of his kids his wife refused family planning so am afraid he will pick the responsibility for this family. I don't mind helping but some is too much for our family.
when his mother visited as he complained about another older brother that is a teacher pursuing bachelors degree that he needed help.ain't this too much burden on as.

Miami11:
I wish my husband's family were appreciative of his help, in a family of 21 kids two wives he is the fifteenth kid not the eldest. He has brought two siblings to US. His older brother has 12 kids with no job and my husband took over the education of one of his kids his wife refused family planning so am afraid he will pick the responsibility for this family. I don't mind helping but some is too much for our family.
when his mother visited as he complained about another older brother that is a teacher pursuing bachelors degree that he needed help.ain't this too much burden on as.

Maybe you need to make an appointment with a financial planner. They can show your husband were he could be in 40 years if he keeps being so irresponsible. Does he really think half those people will run to his aid or even your children should he hit hard times with no financial cushion. Nigeria is full of stories of men like your father who die old in poverty while all the family members they put through school have excelled in life and doing their own thing.

It is actually too much.

Going at that rate you guys may not have anything to go home to when you retire.

Parents are important so he shouldn't stop taking care of his parents but every other person's needs should be divided among the comfortable siblings and let them know and learn how to help out too.

Do you guys even have savings? I like generous people but I dislike entitled people who think other people owe them just because they are related

Why will your BIL have 12kids?
Because his father had 21?
Now your husband is training one of his kids,next thing the second one will gain admission and they will call your husband again.

it is too much Na. Let the poor guy not breakdown.

Miami11:
I wish my husband's family were appreciative of his help, in a family of 21 kids two wives he is the fifteenth kid not the eldest. He has brought two siblings to US. His older brother has 12 kids with no job and my husband took over the education of one of his kids his wife refused family planning so am afraid he will pick the responsibility for this family. I don't mind helping but some is too much for our family.
when his mother visited as he complained about another older brother that is a teacher pursuing bachelors degree that he needed help.ain't this too much burden on as.

Reasons i stay away from men who are breadwinners/too generous to a fault. They dnt know when they stop, plan and save. What their mates have achieved within a few years, they will achieve in donkey years, if possible, never achieve till their old age. And their families are usually very entitled and without gratitude. They also disappear when they need help the most.

Sophyrocks:
Reasons i stay away from men who are breadwinners/too generous to a fault. They dnt know when they stop, plan and save. What their mates have achieved within a few years, they will achieve in donkey years, if possible, never achieve till their old age. And their families are usually very entitled and without gratitude. They also disappear when they need help the most.

My NL wife.... I don dey find you sinceeeee!!

How you dey?

Miami11:
Iam married to the family breadwinner, a very compassionate generous man.
I get all my needs I cannot complain, my concern is his stance in the family he has a total of ten brothers seven of them being gainfully employed. Three are with us abroad the once at home live in the family land so they don't pay rent.
My husband is the only one paying for his father's medical care monthly , his two sisters school fees,supporting the unemployed brother at home, sends his mum monthly upkeep. His two siblings that he brought overseas will not help in anyway.
at this point I want my husband and I to buy a house we can live in when we go home.
Is it right to ask him to persuade the brothers with the family bills so we can establish ourselves too. Am I being selfish?

You are not selfish. I don't think he has to have the talk with his brothers but he can reduce his investment in other people and start investing in his future i think you can get him to see reason without talking about his investment in his father and brothers. You don't want to be seen as selfish.

Dadehmola:


My NL wife.... I don dey find you sinceeeee!!

How you dey?

Huh? since when i become your wife? can't remember your moniker. So you dey find me? #side eyes#

I'm fine and you?

Thank you guys I will seat him down try to pump Sence on him.
I would hate if we suffer after retirement due to bad choices.
One thing he also does is shares an account with older sister married with five kids. His mom and other sister told me his older sister is stealing his money for her own projects. I personally did not want to get tangled in family feud so I ignored them. This does not seem easy but will give a layout to him.

Your Husband should keep helping them, However, he should cut down on the amount he gives out. If possible, he should channel half of the money to saving for the future. You are his wife and is also your obligation to ensure a
better tomorrow by giving him good advice about the future.

How you talk to him matters a lot. Make him see reasons and don't sound as if you are against him extending
hands of fellowship to his family.

Had the same issue here. my husband was the first and was always shouldering. The once that get on their feet don`t want to help. Believe you me we were still shouldering and the younger ones were building their first and even second houses at home.
Please tell your husband to get the younger ones involved. You are not saying that he should stop but he should make it a joint thing, a family thing.
The family should learn to function as a system. It is wrong if he is the only one holding the family or taking all the responsibilities.
Well in our case it went on pretty long and I never said anything and then one early morning the phone rang..
A relation we had financed to go to America needed an OP shortly after. He needed money from my husband for the OP. As my husband dropped the phone I asked him what was wrong he told me..
"Darling the way you dropped that phone , just pick it up and start calling all the younger ones that are working now, i am not saying we will not send him the money but they have to do something too."
He was very skeptical but he did it. His younger ones contributed happily.
He was so happy about it. Now whenever there is a financial issue he only coordinates it and everyone contributes. Sometimes they even ask him not to contribute because he did so much in the past.
What I am trying to say.

He needs to get the junior ones to take up responsibilities.
It s not about him helping his family but about him teaching the others to do the same.

Miami11:

As far as bills getting payed.am fine but
Am looking at the future we need a home to retire to when we cannot work.
We need a future plan but with all this commitments we have no future. No future savings or plan.

"We cannot work"? are you also working? Or is he taking part of your income to send to his family?

How did your husband get to where he is? Maybe someone older than him also made inconvenient sacrifices for him else he might be a bus conductor in Aba right now and you wouldn't ever marry him

Our problem is selfishness. You want someone to bless you and your kids yet hesitant to bless others

raumdeuter:


"We cannot work"? are you also working? Or is he taking part of your income to send to his family?

How did your husband get to where he is? Maybe someone older than him also made inconvenient sacrifices for him else he might be a bus conductor in Aba right now and you wouldn't ever marry him

Our problem is selfishness. You want someone to bless you and your kids yet hesitant to bless others

We both are gainfully employed, my husband went abroad due to a full
sports scholarship, his plane ticket was payed for by his couch. So non of the family chipped in for your information.

sexymoma:
The only thing i grabbed in your write up was.... Upon all his giving, God is still blessing him...
If not.. he would have stopped taking up the responsibilities long long time ago..

Ain't no dispute God has blessed him, but iam concerned for our future and the future of our kids. Every family needs saving and plan for tomorrow which we don't have and cannot afford now due to commitments here and there. We not getting younger.

Tallesty1:
Listen dear, you husband is a generous man(according to you), that is his nature. You can't change it, nobody can! Some people are that way, helping people is what gives them joy. 2ndly, every family is got a messiah; seems to me your husby is the messiah in their family. Just talk to him about investing for the future, a responsible man will understand. Telling him to stop helping his own family might land you into some trouble.

I didn't see anywhere that the OP stated she wanted her husband to stop helping his family.

OP your in-laws story doesn't sit well with me. Please reason with your husband to ensure that you have some savings and investments set aside for you and your own family FIRST before using any remainder to help others. Helping brothers and sisters should not become his lifetime burden.

Since they are not cllecting from you what stops you from saving yours or using your own income to build a retirement home you so desire

It is nice that he helps his family and May God continue to shower blessings upon you both. It is however also very important to plan for the present and the future. A house to live in is a present need
Sometimes, we become very engrossed in caring for others that we neglect our own needs.
I hope you handle this with wisdom so that you can steer your family in the right direction.
I also agree with the post quoted

post=29741917:

Maybe you need to make an appointment with a financial planner. They can show your husband were he could be in 40 years if he keeps his current spending patter.

I modified some parts of it

Your plan to build a future is a very good one, but the method you want to use is not just wrong but evil and may eventually hit you when you don't expect.

I know you wouldn't complain if it were your family he is spending on.

I believe you should be thankful your needs are not neglected in his bid to meet that of his family. Most women make the mistake your are about to make and complain later. You should understand we Africans who want to care for our own, and see anyone who tries to stop as as enemies.

From your post, you didn't sound like you have an independent means of livelihood yourself, maybe that would be a very good start, tell him you want you people to get a home but don't tell him how to go about it, maybe become less demanding on your part, encourage him to set up his siblings in business just so they would depend less on him.