.

Tell him you are not up to attending and explain why to him. I hope you were not falling over yourself attending family events and cooking with them before marriage oh if you were that may be one of the reasons he married you and changing half way now will bring wahala

hnnnmmm, I think you should u use your power as a woman to tame him, he is your baby n u know him well, u can do it in a way he won't go sef..... I know what am saying

Whats the issue with not having a child yet? Are people mean to tou at events? Do they ask you rude questions at these events? Do you feel because you don't have a child you should be home crying instead of out socialising?

Prior to any of his family event, form as if u are ill. Try that. My personal opinion!!!!

aisha2:
Whats the issue with not having a child yet? Are people mean to tou at events? Do they ask you rude questions at these events? Do you feel because you don't have a child you should be home crying instead of out socialising?

His people are not mean but there's a way people pity we that are ttc, ask you some unnecessary questions and begin "prayer sections" because of your condition which I don't fancy. I prefer not being there than anybody pitting me unnecessarily and at times you just feel like being on your own which is how I'm feeling at the moment.

napa:


His people are not mean but there's a way people pity we that are ttc, ask you some unnecessary questions and begin "prayer sections" because of your condition which I don't fancy. I prefer not being there than anybody pitting me unnecessarily and at times you just feel like being on your own which is how I'm feeling at the moment.

I understand. Why don't you tell him this. Tell him you don't necessarily feel like being around people everytime because of how they react to the fact that you are trying to conceive
Talk with him

napa:
Good day all,

I need matured opinion on the subject matter. My husband likes us attending every event organised by his family members not that I dislike it but I don't think it's a must that every event must be attended. His nephew wants to celebrate his 10th birthday but I just don't feel like attending but hubby is feeling bad.

Must all events be attended especially when the marriage is yet to produce children, there's no way you'll attend without one or two pity parties which I don't like? I rarely attend events of my own family members too.

Hi OP

Is his family a very close knit one? i.e. (all his maternal or paternal families in very good relationship) if yes, it might be their way of life.

I do not think there is anything wrong in attending all the events if you do not have a program scheduled for that day.

@Pity parties, it is normal, just see it that they mean well for you and appreciate them

Cheers

Pity parties are not normal. Everyone is different, it mostly makes the recipient feel helpless and worse off. People should let people trying to conceive breathe unless they ask for your advice and prayers jumping on them at events and starting prayer groups, telling them whay concoctions to try, what se-x position to try and getting into their issues is just digging wounds further.

The op is clearly not comfortable with pity parties and it makes her feel worse and puts her off interactions. If only we can learn to mind our business till our advice is sort honestly we will be saving people a lot of pain.

They get in your face throw pity parties and prayer groups when you are single, when you marry they get in your face and start another round till you put to bed haba
Let women breathe abeg

Like someone else has said its like that sometimes with close knit families..I know a family who must all go to grandma's house after church every Sunday for lunch while its such a sweet close knit thing for them (i like the idea cos my family can be like that of we lived close) but some of the spouses found it stifling as everyone is just all up in each others business. Sometimes people being all up in your business is annoying but sometimes its an expression of love.

Speak to your husband and try to let him know its not in anyway about you not liking them but how you feel after such gatherings. He in turn can kinda shield or help you avoid those awkward conversations.I strongly believe in spouses being the mediators and bridges betwen their partners and their family.

If you can though just make an appearance and leave early. His elder sister son is your husbands nephew and yours by extension. You can go because of the nephew( i modified to you can it depends on you just a suggestion) I love my husband's nephews and nieces and at some family gatherings I spend more than half of the time interacting with the younger ones more than the adults sef.They see me as a 'cool' aunty cos I sometimes help them beg their 'archaic' mums for lil concessions (they don't know aunty might actually be more archaic with her own kids)

damiso:
Like someone else has said its like that sometimes with close knit families..I know a family who must all go to grandma's house after church every Sunday for lunch while its such a sweet close knit thing for them (i like the idea cos my family can be like that of we lived close) but some of the spouses found it stifling as everyone is just all up in each others business. Sometimes people being all up in your business is annoying but sometimes its an expression of love.

Speak to your husband and try to let him know its not in anyway about you not liking them but how you feel after such gatherings. He in turn can kinda shield or help you avoid those awkward conversations.I strongly believe in spouses being the mediators and bridges betwen their partners and their family.

If you can though just make an appearance and leave early. His elder sister son is your husbands nephew and yours by extension. You can go because of the nephew( i modified to you can it depends on you just a suggestion) I love my husband's nephews and nieces and at some family gatherings I spend more than half of the time interacting with the younger ones more than the adults sef.They see me as a 'cool' aunty cos I sometimes help them beg their 'archaic' mums for lil concessions (they don't know aunty might actually be more archaic with her own kids)

The women usually drag you to a corner away from the men and start all the unsolicited advice. Is the husband going to keep following her to every corner and cutting into the discussions?
If she doesn't feel up to it she has the right to stay home and relax at least for some events and not go and be constantly reminded of her pain with busybodies. This isnt about being a cool aunt, its about a woman having her own issues and needing to be away from the crowd sometimes.

How long do people need to pretend smile, grin and bear stuff when they are not up to it?

aisha2:


The women usually drag you to a corner away from the men and start all the unsolicited advice. Is the husband going to keep following her to every corner and cutting into the discussions?
If she doesn't feel up to it she has the right to stay home and relax at least for some events and not go and be constantly reminded of her pain with busybodies. This isnt about being a cool aunt, its about a woman having her own issues and needing to be away from the crowd sometimes.

How long do people need to pretend smile, grin and bear stuff when they are not up to it?

My cool aunt analogy was more about her spending more of the time there with the children...


And I was not telling her to grin, or bear or even go if she did not want to. That's why I modified my you should go to you can go because of the nephew as a suggestion.

either you suck it up and learn to sing in your head and say "hmm" at certain intervals or learn how not to care about pleasing people every time. If you feel you should go, go. If your husband's fam is close knit, he'll want to be there. Find a way to compromise. If you truly arent up for it, don't go. If you're just scared of what people will say, avoid those that do the talking, smile cos they're fam, then smile again because you're better for learning how to handle people. Don't knowingly avoid family and somehow cause a rift especially if you've not been provoked

damiso:


My cool aunt analogy was more about her spending more of the time there with the children...


And I was not telling her to grin, or bear or even go if she did not want to. That's why I modified my you should go to you can go because of the nephew as a suggestion.

You sha know Nigerians can be nosy, singles and trying to conceive women are their victims

A.friend shared her story when she was trying to conceive, every outing turns into a pity party with people bringing up different suggestions and making her feel as if she wasnt trying enough everytime she will go home and cry her eyes out. Her ex husband wasn't making it any better.

Truth is the poster is clearly uncomfortable and unhappy with so many events where she has to be grilled, interrogated and possibly humiliated especially by those who will be asking " how far, any show" every single time they see her at an event.
She can attend the ones she can tolerate and talk with her husband explaining how she feels to him hopefully she stays home watches some nice TV and have her sanity for one weekend, instead of attending these things and crying her eye out the rest of the weekend

napa:


His people are not mean but there's a way people pity we that are ttc, ask you some unnecessary questions and begin "prayer sections" because of your condition which I don't fancy. I prefer not being there than anybody pitting me unnecessarily and at times you just feel like being on your own which is how I'm feeling at the moment.

i think I understand how you feel.

This is The summary.

OP it is well with you

damiso:
Like someone else has said its like that sometimes with close knit families..I know a family who must all go to grandma's house after church every Sunday for lunch while its such a sweet close knit thing for them (i like the idea cos my family can be like that of we lived close) but some of the spouses found it stifling as everyone is just all up in each others business. Sometimes people being all up in your business is annoying but sometimes its an expression of love.

Speak to your husband and try to let him know its not in anyway about you not liking them but how you feel after such gatherings. He in turn can kinda shield or help you avoid those awkward conversations.I strongly believe in spouses being the mediators and bridges betwen their partners and their family.

If you can though just make an appearance and leave early. His elder sister son is your husbands nephew and yours by extension. You can go because of the nephew( i modified to you can it depends on you just a suggestion) I love my husband's nephews and nieces and at some family gatherings I spend more than half of the time interacting with the younger ones more than the adults sef.They see me as a 'cool' aunty cos I sometimes help them beg their 'archaic' mums for lil concessions (they don't know aunty might actually be more archaic with her own kids)

Even when you're deliberately not trying to conceive. They are all up in your business with rude questions and expecting details of your private affairs as if you owe them something.

I feel sorry for the OP because it seems she lives too close to them. If they didn't live so close, she would be able to get away from those pitying stares and unsolicited prayer sections.

aisha2:


You sha know Nigerians can be nosy, singles and trying to conceive women are their victims

A.friend shared her story when she was trying to conceive, every outing turns into a pity party with people bringing up different suggestions and making her feel as if she wasnt trying enough everytime she will go home and cry her eyes out. Her ex husband wasn't making it any better.

Truth is the poster is clearly uncomfortable and unhappy with so many events where she has to be grilled, interrogated and possibly humiliated especially by those who will be asking " how far, any show" every single time they see her at an event.
She can attend the ones she can tolerate and talk with her husband explaining how she feels to him hopefully she stays home watches some nice TV and have her sanity for one weekend, instead of attending these things and crying her eye out the rest of the weekend

napa:
Good day all,

I need matured opinion on the subject matter. My husband likes us attending every event organised by his family members not that I dislike it but I don't think it's a must that every event must be attended. His nephew wants to celebrate his 10th birthday but I just don't feel like attending but hubby is feeling bad.

Must all events be attended especially when the marriage is yet to produce children, there's no way you'll attend without one or two pity parties which I don't like? I rarely attend events of my own family members too.

Sometimes one just wants to be left alone and have "me" time, and you have a right to have that.
I suggest that you have a chat with your husband and be totally honest with him on how you feel, so he fully understands how you feel right now and he can support and stick up for you next time you are invited for a function and you dont gp
Sometimes though geting out and about does perk one up, and takes ones mind off things, so pls still bear that in mind.
All said, sacrifices should be made by all parties & not just one person, so you can miss some events when you dont feel like. . . .but not all. He has his needs too.

OP, I stopped attending all sorts of external family gatherings when a group of "aunts" from my mum's meeting chorused to me (unprepared) "Don't worry, your turn will come!"

If it's the way his family is, well you may have to get used to it. Try and study the relatives, see which of them you would have chosen as a friend if you weren't related by marriage. That's whom you talk to.

And for goodness' sake, people stop the pity party and "well-meaning comments" (they're never well-meaning, if they were, they will tactfully be quiet. Abi they mind their mouths with certain people, why not everyone?). Circulate, walk around and don't sit somewhere public. Some will still castigate you for being secretive and quiet. Lord knows I wish I were and besides, you can't use anyone's opinion to buy even tomatoes in the market. Ignore.

And for the rest of y'all "well-intentioned" folks, abeg hold ya mouths o. I had a convo with a friend, we talked about how much fun it would be when his kids come, not that I asked "so it's been some years, how far with your wife no family??". He's always been tactful and never asked me"it's been a while, how far with marriage, nobody??"

Please keep your opinions to yourselves. After all, asking after my marital or childless state is you expressing an opinion that you feel I should be doing that by now.

My Dear if u don't feel up to it just talk to your hubby and make him understand. Some families are closely knitted might be difficult for him to stop though but just try.

aisha2:


You sha know Nigerians can be nosy, singles and trying to conceive women are their victims

A.friend shared her story when she was trying to conceive, every outing turns into a pity party with people bringing up different suggestions and making her feel as if she wasnt trying enough everytime she will go home and cry her eyes out. Her ex husband wasn't making it any better.

Truth is the poster is clearly uncomfortable and unhappy with so many events where she has to be grilled, interrogated and possibly humiliated especially by those who will be asking " how far, any show" every single time they see her at an event.
She can attend the ones she can tolerate and talk with her husband explaining how she feels to him hopefully she stays home watches some nice TV and have her sanity for one weekend, instead of attending these things and crying her eye out the rest of the weekend

I do know how nosy people can be and most people don't have any tact when it comes to other people's business.

BUT my post was more along the lines of her also taking into consideration the fact that her husband clearly has a bond with his family (I understand it's not her fault they make her uncomfortable).

That's why I suggested just making a brief appearance, ,avoiding those conversations by probably being more with children who are less judgemental and most importantly making her husband see how those conversations make her feel.

OP It is well with you ((hugs))..Like CC said sometimes going out (not necessarily to parties) is a way to take one's mind off stuff.


.

You don`t need to attend every birthday, it suffices that you send your best regards or a present or cake.

Children are a gift from , they come at God`s time. Only fools do not know how to respect that, don`T mind those people they are small minded and delight in other people`s pain.

Anyway God it is only you that can solve this problem. Put a smile on her face and let her give testimony of your goodness.
Don`t worry OP, very soon you would want to go to every function to show off your bundle of joy.
God will surely answer your prayers.

damiso:


I do know how nosy people can be and most people don't have any tact when it comes to other people's business.

BUT my post was more along the lines of her also taking into consideration the fact that her husband clearly has a bond with his family (I understand it's not her fault they make her uncomfortable).

That's why I suggested just making a brief appearance, ,avoiding those conversations by probably being more with children who are less judgemental and most importantly making her husband see how those conversations make her feel.

OP It is well with you ((hugs))..Like CC said sometimes going out (not necessarily to parties) is a way to take one's mind off stuff.


.

Yeah going out to healthy places where you don't need to dodge people or avoid them. People won't stop being nosy so when poster doesn't feel up to it instead of spending an annoying evening running away from people. If she doesn't feel up to it she should be able to talk it over with her husband as mutter said she can send apologies and a cake

Everyone above me has said it all.

aisha2:


Yeah going out to healthy places where you don't need to dodge people or avoid them. People won't stop being nosy so when poster doesn't feel up to it instead of spending an annoying evening running away from people. If she doesn't feel up to it she should be able to talk it over with her husband as mutter said she can send apologies and a cake

Ok

@ Napa - I guess it depends mostly on your hubby ie what these parties means to him and how much he is willing to shield you. If it means a lot to him and he will be greatly offended or he is not willing to make excuses for you, I advise you try and make it to these parties but you can cajole him so you guys leave early.

To close knitted families, these gatherings means a lot to everybody and you don't want an issue like this drifting you and hubby apart or making you an enemy of the extended family.

As for the TTC miracle, don't take whatever anyone says to heart. Ppl will always talk, how many places do you wanna avoid?

It is well.

you just can't go cold turkey and stop going to functions because you aren't comfortable. You have to put your husband feelings into consideration too. He's clearly from a close knit family and you must've been aware of this. Try and explain your concerns to him and both figure it out. Maybe leave early or whatever .

Good luck and baby dust to you. ( hope that's how it's said)