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Nairaland Forum / Entertainment / Literature / About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* (34234 Views)
Write Your Shortest Flash Fiction. Not More Than 25 Words. / The White Mosquito Flash Fiction Challenge / Nairaland E-workshop For Writers---Comment Thread--Day1(Sept30) (2) (3) (4)
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Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by Royver(m): 10:15pm On Feb 02, 2015 |
The New Year Resolution Kunmi still felt the pain of the beating his mother gave him a day before because he was trying to steal Mama Agba's( his paternal grandmother's) money. So he decided to change his ways and,therefore, made a new year resolution of not stealing again. After the crossover service, he went to bed and slept till a loud noise woke him: it was a noise from the gong of the town crier. He said nobody must move into the street after 10pm that day because the king, and his pregnant wife died overnight. The Ifa priest had, therefore, planned to ward off death from the land by carrying the 'Oro'( a ritual). Kunmi had heard rumours that the 'Oro' was always carried by Unclad men, but that was not his concern at the moment; food was his concern. He went to meet his mother for food, after taking his bath. ' Take the rice in the kitchen', she said. He was tempted to steal meats from the other foods (dishes) Mama Agba's neighbour had brought, but he fought against the urge and he was happy that he could control himself. However, in the evening, he saw a big (piece of) meat lying beside a bag in the room. 'Someone must have dropped this', he said as he ate it, later went to bed with a feigned stomach pain when his mother started overworking him. ' Yehhh...', he shouted severally from his sleep at 11.00pm, holding his stomach. It was paining him.(It hurt) His mother and Mama Agba ran into the room. ' Shh... Don't you know the 'Oro' carrier are passing?' Mama Agba warned. ' My stomach', he cried, wriggling on the bed. ' Let's take him to the hospital', his mother said. ' Have you forgotten the priest are carrying 'Oro''?' ' Ehhh...' His mother lamented. Mama Agba, whom he and his mother had gone to visit from Lagos went to her room to bring 'Aporo'(a native drug that makes any poisonous thing ineffective).She gave him some of it, and he relieved. ' What did you eat?' He mentioned all he had eaten that day, including the meat. ' Ah..Kunmi', Mama Agba whispered,' I had dropped rat poison in it to kill the rats in this house'. Hurriedly, she poured more 'Aporo' into his mouth. After that day, he learnt how to control his appetite, and himself. Narrative/descriptive consistencies: Good narrative, good description. Syntax, lexis and structure: Good use of lexis, solid structure. Plot, context/concept correctness: Nice plot, centering around a new year resolution or rather the failure to keep it. the plot would have developed more if the writer had more time i believe. Grammatical, punctuational errors and typos: Few. Score: 60% |
Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by Royver(m): 10:27pm On Feb 02, 2015 |
The Hunting Festival By: Silas1475 “Chankyu, I think it would be better to stop discussing and rest a little, the hunting party won’t get to our village till about 9.00pm” My mother’s voice flirted(?) out from the kitchen. “Mom I can wait, sleep can wait till am back” I replied back. “So tell me Bubor, what kind of animals can be caught in Chu forest? Are there dangerous animals there?” I blasted my friend with so many questions. “Ofcus (of course), there are really wild animals, I once encountered a large python with yellow fangs, it was really big and frightened everyone till some old experienced group of herbalists used local charms and medicines to subdue and finally killed it, everyone were (was) really scared” Bubor explained, my siblings had already gathered around us urging him to tell us more. He oblique (obliged) of course, and kept feeding my tender ears with exciting tales I could not even touch my food because of the excitement. Very soon, loud drums flirted(?) into our ears, the hunting squad had finally gotten to my village, I quickly grabbed my arrows and bows and rushed out with my friend towards the direction of the sound of the drumming, they hunting party were gathered in their hundreds as more boys joined them, more than half of them just reaching the age of sixteen, that was the official age to partake in the hunting festival which took place on the last day of the year. The Chu forest hunting festival took(takes) place on the 31st of December and runs overnight into the New Year, only young boys from the ages of sixteen upwards were permitted to partake together with seasoned hunters and elderly medicine men from all the whole villages in Mada land, it brought about togetherness and unity between villages. I had just turned sixteen and could not wait any longer for the hunting party to dance to the next village which would be the last before the hunting festival starts.(tense incongruity) Maybe I might be lucky to experience what Bubor told me about, maybe I might see more. Maybe I might come back to tell my own tales, I just could(can) not wait…… Narrative/descriptive consistencies: Good narrative. Syntax, lexis and structure: Fair. Some errors present. Plot, context/concept correctness: interesting plot but incomplete. Looking good and then the writer just ends it. Not nice. Or maybe he ran out of words. Incomplete story. Grammatical, punctuational errors and typos: Few. a lot of tense incompatibility Score:65% |
Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by Royver(m): 10:33pm On Feb 02, 2015 |
RUNNING FROM THE PAST(The story of an Osu) by Pureivory Lola kept asking for answers I feared giving.(<tense incongruity>) This has been on for years now. We fight about it often but today, it shall end. I was about recounting certain events of my life, saddest, darkest ones. "This must stop Emeka. I won't let your heart suffer it alone any longer. Please, tell me why we cannot visit your village." She stood by my side, I turned away from the window to face her. Her gentle fingers rested on my cheek, only then did I realized(realize) that tears stained my face. I felt pain in my heart, like bricks rested there. I could see her own pain in her eyes, pains I caused. "Lola, I'm an Osu, an outcast." She stared at me as if I made no sense. Then, I told her. I told her how we from Umuode were ostracized by other villages in Enugu state. I told her how passersby didn't come to my father's aid when he fell off his bicycle and hit his head on a stone. How he bled to death. Mother's vegetables taken to the market for sales would all spoil because, nobody buys from an Osu. We indeed suffered in penury! I told her how an inferno burned down our house, claiming the life of my younger brother whose screams a nearby farmer heard but wouldn't help, because my brother was an Osu. Shunned by the society and her family for marrying an Osu whom she loved and lost, mother died of heartbreak. I married from Yoruba because, hardly will any Igbo parent allow their child marry an Osu. For all I know, Deacon Okwuka dissolved marriage arrangements between my sister and his son the pastor on grounds that she was an Osu. These aren't peculiar to my family alone, most Osu families in various parts of Igbo land suffer the same if not worse fates as no Diala (son of the soil) will want anything to do with smelly servants of deities. Lola was shocked to the marrow but her strength equals none. She smiled sadly at me. "That phase is passed. Your sister is getting married to Ayo this January." "Not forgetting our bundle of joy." I said, rubbing her baby bump. Lola laughed at that. Finally at ease, I thought " 2015 will be a good year!" Narrative/descriptive consistencies: Fair narrative. Syntax, lexis and structure: Poor. Loose flow of tenses. Plot, context/concept correctness: good plot but poor concept. the theme of the competition is packaged but not fully delivered. Grammatical, punctuational errors and typos: Many. Score:50% |
Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by Royver(m): 10:39pm On Feb 02, 2015 |
Finally I am through. Please go to the main thread to view the nominees and final winner. https://www.nairaland.com/2060343/white-mosquito-flash-fiction-challenge/2#30372530 |
Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by Eillo(m): 11:17pm On Feb 02, 2015 |
@simonhabby I love your story. great stuff! |
Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by theorbiters: 12:19am On Feb 03, 2015 |
Great stuff Royver. I must commend your painstaking efforts. You deserve to be appreciated. To all the writers, I must commend again. 1 Like |
Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by EverestdeBliu(m): 1:31am On Feb 03, 2015 |
Chai! (Shakes head from side to side,amused) the 10k just slipped,after all the anticipation....hmm, by and by,like my friends in d politics section would say; GOD bless Me GOD bless Texanomaly GOD bless whitemosquito GOD bless Royver GOD bless our many pens GOD bless the readers GOD bless Jonathan GOD bless Nigeria ...I'm inspired! |
Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by Lionize: 3:06am On Feb 03, 2015 |
That Ruffhandu's story caught my attention. Everyone did well anyway. I salute all. |
Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by whitemosquito(f): 9:53am On Feb 03, 2015 |
Wow! Well-done everyone!! Spectacular job Royver.. Yuzedo was unable to join us for this edition but he sent his best wishes. I'm back into civilization...Please watch the main thread for updates.. |
Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by theorbiters: 10:38am On Feb 03, 2015 |
EverestdeBliu, I must confess, I had always envied your story. My money was on your's. Great storytelling, great stuff, I must say. Those of us remaining are not here because we are the best, no. It's just some constraints that were in our favour. |
Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by EverestdeBliu(m): 11:59am On Feb 03, 2015 |
So my story was a mini-threat. lol. I'm flattered @Theorbiters.Thanks man,ur story is also an epic, I hope it bleeps u that 'alert'. |
Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by theorbiters: 12:03pm On Feb 03, 2015 |
Amen ooo,. Amen. Bur I sha have to knock Ruff's story. E be like the story carry weight. 75% ha! Issoke |
Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by adjain(m): 4:36pm On Feb 03, 2015 |
Thank you so much, Mr. Royver. I took a screenshot of your review of my piece. So encouraging. I will look at it on cold nights and thank God for journey mercies ![]() Again - White Mosquito - thank you 2 Likes |
Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by Royver(m): 6:29pm On Feb 03, 2015 |
@divepen; whatever words nairaland censored were taken into consideration. @ruffhandu; there are many suns in the universe. your sun however, that is, the one you see everyday, is differentiated by a proper noun. so it is usually mentioned 'Sun' in a sentence. @shoefreak; your story centres more around a nervous bride(nervous for reasons we know not of) on her wedding day. The New year is mentioned in passing. @eillo, lol. I'm more of a safe writer myself. No complex tenses, no overuse of syntax. Your writeup will be easy to read even if the reader is sleepy-eyed. |
Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by ruffhandu: 7:39pm On Feb 03, 2015 |
@ Royver, I read you. Thanks a lot. |
Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by Bhenehdikt(m): 9:18pm On Feb 03, 2015 |
Hey guyz...itz not yet over! watch out for me in da next challenge...better dont relax on ya conquest yet cuz i'll surprise y'all.lolz This competition is very healthy bcuz of u guyz,ma fellow competitor..i hail u guyz! And to da judges,I thank you all greatly jare.Una too much joor! whitemosquito Larrysun Royver Repogirl da magician.lol Who am i forgetting? Itz ma first and the beginning of ME |
Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by whitemosquito(f): 11:23am On Feb 04, 2015 |
Lol. So...if there are no other clarifications to be made, can we proceed to the final stage of moderations? 1 Like |
Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by theorbiters: 11:25am On Feb 04, 2015 |
Yea, I think we can. This tension is already killing. |
Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by LarrySun(m): 10:43pm On Feb 09, 2015 |
Whatever is going on here? |
Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by theorbiters: 11:30pm On Feb 09, 2015 |
It should be a week already since the last stage flagged off. I wonder if this is still on. Larrysun, glad to have you back after a long absence. You were duly missed |
Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by whitemosquito(f): 3:18pm On Feb 10, 2015 |
Lol. Caracta has assured me that she'll be posting as soon as the time's up.. Cheers. |
Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by Nobody: 3:12pm On Feb 11, 2015 |
Any room for me here? What does it take to be a member |
Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by theorbiters: 10:18pm On Feb 12, 2015 |
So, finally, this is it, the end of this exciting competition. I must say, it has been fun all the way and the tension ripping effects has been amazing. To all the winners and learners, I duff my hat for you and say, it's been awesome challenging you all. Let's hope we have another competition again. Till then, more fluid to your pen. |
Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by ruffhandu: 10:45pm On Feb 12, 2015 |
Congrats to you Simonhabby, you deserve the win. @Adjain, u are good, congratulations. To every contestant, right from the start, I salute you. Don't let anything discourage you. You are all too good. To the judges-Larrysun, Repogirl,Royver and Caracta, your objectivity and criticism, for me, are second to none. More courage. Finally, to White mosquito, you made this happen. You may not realise what you have done today; time shall tell. I lack words. Thank you. |
Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by Lionize: 7:53am On Feb 13, 2015 |
I here congratulate everyone, especially those who'll bare their teeth in smile at the screen of their phones when the alerts hit- Simonhabby, Ruffhandu and Adijain. You all did great. To whitemosquito and team, this is a step in the right direction, keep it up and remain encouraged. God bless you all |
Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by Lionize: 7:54am On Feb 13, 2015 |
The next challenge, if there will be, will definitely be tougher. I hope we would be alerted. |
Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by ruffhandu: 5:27pm On Feb 13, 2015 |
Hello Whitemoquito, I sent you a mail, please confirm. |
Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by adjain(m): 5:53pm On Feb 13, 2015 |
It was an honor winning alongside Ruffhandu and Simonhabby. I wish you guys the best in your future writing endeavors! |
Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by Bhenehdikt(m): 7:02pm On Feb 13, 2015 |
I'm already getting prepared for the battle ahead...I learnt alot and from you all,judges and competitors. WINNERS BEWARE!!! Itz gona be tough next time @whitey and da other judges,I'm grateful |
Re: About Whitey's Flash Fiction Challenge *comment Thread* by whitemosquito(f): 12:50am On Feb 14, 2015 |
Lol. Yes o. You can bet on that. It's gonna be tougher than this. |
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