bukatyne:


Muter does make sense in some of her posts...

I can't see where she is coming from in some cases

Modified:

Just remembered Debrief...

She used her experience to teach others...

Some, she condemned the wives; some she condemned the husbands on a case by case basis.

She did not encourage the women to take trash yet she was very objective and uncoloured by her first marriage.

If she does that,that where i said i do not agree with most of her post but that does not make me judge her by some posts and automatically disqualify her.
Whenever she is in the wrong,one should try and address it and try to understand why is she thinking that way.....i see her also condemning some men....

Herzumpther:
Aunty babyosisi, my first question is HOW DO YOU KNOW HE IS THE ONE? I have this thing eating me up and I've been looking for who to talk to about it o. Its killing me inside.

spill it out girl, we are here to help each other..


As regards knowing if he is the one, i don't think there's a hard and fast rule to that... i will say a friend who you can talk to about just anything, feel very safe and comfortable around him, keep no secrets.. someone who when you remember/see makes your heart leap for joy...

Some will say, make a list of what you need in a man, if he meets majority of that, like say 80% then marry him... but you have to first check if you can live with the missing 20% forever...

crackhaus:

Bro for every sob story you read on NL about marriage, there are at least 10 stories of marital bliss in the real world.

I really do hope so.

All I wanted was to try and understand (even if it is only 1%) the female mindset. I didn't realize I will be greeted with 'horror stories'. I can't imagine how two adults who professed undying love for each other before marriage would grow so much apart after they tie the knot, just because one or both of them are so so selfish.

I was thinking of actively searching for a wife in the next quarter of this year but with all this 'horror stories' I may just put that thought on hold until I get my head straightened out from all I have read on this thread.

I only hope the damage is not permanent.

Chillisauce:


That's it! In the absence of further data, you work with what you are given to. You don't have to come up with your own rediculous data to make a point.

A crazy point at that .
Anyway, marriage is beautiful but when it starts eating up my life in a nagative way, I take off. That's me btw. I'm that straight forward, no wonder Mr chilli won.

Ah! I give it to him...he is a strong man
AGU!

prissyluv:
I applaud all the capable hands here. You guys are really doing a great job!

My own problem/headache/confusion/depression is tribe and parental consent. I must admit that I got lots of advice from snazzylove thread about intending couples and couples but more is needed esp in regards to my fears below.

On 14th feb,my dad told me that i should forget the idea that he will give his consent to me marrying a benin man. He said it is very very impossible for him to do so,that he wont even give his consent at a gun point but on the other hand if I decide to elope with him that I am clearly on my own.
In my heart,I know this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with but my parents actions are saying otherwise.

Now my fears and confusion:
1)If i leave this good man,how sure I am that another good and better men will come? And one who will treat me right.
2)When will that be?I found it also difficult to love.(my love goes off and on) I am also one who does not like sexual activities that much. Will I find that understanding man?
3)Wont I get to regret my actions of leaving a man I love becos of tribe in my later years? I am very impatience in nature,I am afraid I will pick the wrong guy down the lane.

Hmmm. I told my dad of a man coming for me and he asked me where he is from, as soon as I said Yoruba he just looked at me and asked me to specify his state and I said Lagos state. Dad looked at me again and said Herz, you better remove your mind from there, I will never allow you marry a man from the west. I won't give my blessings so the earlier you stop seeing him the better for everybody.

cytochromeC:


I have had 2 boyfriend's and none is as close to perfect as my current one. I read about people's husband's and boyfriends, I see some for myself and I get scared of losing a good man because I simply can not find that chemistry. We have a good friendship, I understand him perfectly, there's mutual trust and respect too. What attracted me to him was his personality. We talked via phone for weeks before we got to meet in person. Afterwards, we continued talking till we had a second meeting after like 5months and then another 4months of chatting and talking before I finally agreed to date him. I agree I'm tolerating him at the moment, but whenever I think of letting go, I ask myself if I won't regret this decision. I ask myself, "what if the next guy I fall helplessly in love with does not treat me with utmost respect the way my current bf does? I'm really confused

from what you told me and BM, i can say you are confuse cos you dont yet know what you want in a man. Like the analogy i used above, can you go to the market with a dress in mind have trouble making a choice choosing from the dresses available? even if circumstances do not permit what you have in mind, you dont just go for the next available but the next similar to or better than what you had in mind. Know what you want in a man, what you can compromise in a man as no one is perfect and what you cant compromise. If after knowing what you want, and this guy is it, ask yourself if you can accomodate his dentition. If you can, then open yourself to love him taking consideration of loving and protecting him at instances that the dentition might be an issue but if you cant stand the dentition then quit. Dont force yourself to fit into the words definition of perfect only, have your own definition as one man's meat is another's poison. Now listen, you dont fall helplessly in love before checking out, that is why i say have your criteria at heart so that you only let yourself love him that meets the requirements. After you opened up more, i think you have not open yourself to loving this guy and his dentition, you are embarassed by it. Open up to love him wholly like you would want him your faults and if you still cant stand it, leave.

Pls, young ladies should know what they want. you are going to spend the rest of your life with that person. Not your parents. If it fails, take responsibility of your action.

State your points clearly to your parents and friends so they know where you stand . I had a friend telling me my standard is too high, and my reply is if I don't meet anyone up to the standard then I will be better of alone.

I didn't care being alone, I was involved with kids charity work on my time off. I gave a d received love. That's all that mattered to me . The smiles on those kids faces when I visit them.

When Mr chilli came, I didn't need any approval from parents or friends. I just knew he was the one.

Ladies listen to your inner self, that's the best you can trust. It will never fail you.
Some can endure domestic abuse so long they see money to eat, they are fine. If you are one of those, up to you. Do as you pls but be firm in whatever decision you take

Oh! well, I may also need a little counselling. I dont see mine as a problem though.
.
I think I directly and indirectly shutdown myself emotionally and sexually. I have NEVER been attracted to anybody, at-least not in this lifetime . Although, I meet a lot of them; admirable ones, I rarely speak with and move with them, I'm very sociable and to some extent, I get a lot of attention from the female folks but I still don't get that chemistry. I prefer sitting on pins for a whole day to watching Telemundos and Bollywood fairy-tales, I cant even stand anything that has an element of show of affection. All my intimate friends, my cousins and everyone around thinks something is wrong with me but I dont think so. There are a lot of things I cant post on this forum that I have experienced from the female folks.
My mum -- who knows virtually everything that goes on in my life -- has tried numerous times to get me to talk about my romantic relationship always get a cold-heart and nothing in return. My neighbors think I'm gay for reasons known to them, My best friend is afraid I may not get married and even my cousins think If I was ever going to get married, It would be very very late In fact some others think its spiritual. May I also mention that I have this sobriquet "Robot". If I was ever to list my scale of preference, a relationship or even sex would be the one-thousand thing I want. OK! That was an exaggeration.
I dont see this as a problem but I also hope it doesnt leads to an upcoming one. I'm not impotent and I'm still very young in my early 20s.
.
babyosisi, EfemenaXY, moca, other Aunts and BigBrothers in the house, Tell me something

edwife:


Ah! I give it to him...he is a strong man
AGU!

No be small AGU. He can kill a lion for us sef.

In case of world war 15, nothing dey happen. We dey. Gidigba

bukatyne:


You hear men's story and you are scared?

What if you hear of evil women

There are evil people and good people

Pray God gives you your own if you are interested in marriage

I thought I was interested in it o but after the stories here I need to do a thorough evaluation of that interest. It's one thing to read about fictional stories and another to read true life stories.

Yeah...ultimately for me, God is all that matters but God won't come down to show me my spouse.

Mehn...marriage can be a pain in da butt if one makes the mistake of marrying a 'snake'.

striktlymi:


I really do hope so.

All I wanted was to try and understand (even if it is only 1%) the female mindset. I didn't realize I will be greeted with 'horror stories'. I can't imagine how two adults who professed undying love for each other before marriage would grow so much apart after they tie the knot, just because one or both of them are so so selfish.

I was thinking of actively searching for a wife in the next quarter of this year but with all this 'horror stories' I may just put that thought on hold until I get my head straightened out from all I have read on this thread.

I only hope the damage is not permanent.

When you know what you want out of life,nothing bitter will come your way.
Yes people grow and have needs that will be different from yours but the point of marriage is to come together,it is an union,partnership.

You discuss things,you planned together,you dream together...try as much to find someone who share the same mindset as yours.you are both adult and a man or woman is not your child.Learn to talk to and not at.

Keep communication coming,never keep secrets or burden.Learn to share and always be the listening ear for one another.

And in all PATIENCE PATIENCE PATIENCE!

laykhorn:
Oh! well, I may also need a little counselling. I dont see mine as a problem though.
.
I think I directly and indirectly shutdown myself emotionally and sexually. I have NEVER been attracted to anybody, at-least not in this lifetime . Although, I meet a lot of them; admirable ones, I rarely speak with and move with them, I'm very sociable and to some extent, I get a lot of attention from the female folks but I still don't get that chemistry. I prefer sitting on pins for a whole day to watching Telemundos and Bollywood fairy-tales, I cant even stand anything that has an element of show of affection. All my intimate friends, my cousins and everyone around thinks something is wrong with me but I dont think so. There are a lot of things I cant post on this forum that I have experienced from the female folks.
My mum -- who knows virtually everything that goes on in my life -- has tried numerous times to get me to talk about my romantic relationship always get a cold-heart and nothing in return. My neighbors think I'm gay for reasons known to them, My best friend is afraid I may not get married and even my cousins think If I was ever going to get married, It would be very very late In fact some others think its spiritual. May I also mention that I have this sobriquet "Robot". If I was ever to list my scale of preference, a relationship or even sex would be the one-thousand thing I want. OK! That was an exaggeration.
I dont see this as a problem but I also hope it doesnt leads to an upcoming one. I'm not impotent and I'm still very young in my early 20s.
.
babyosisi, EfemenaXY, moca, other Aunts and BigBrothers in the house, Tell me something

You don't need to answer this, ask yourself is you are a regular self servicer? That might explain it.

Since you are healthy, and not gay. Nna, body no be firewood na. Check am na

Chillisauce:


No be small AGU. He can kill a lion for us sef.

In case of world war 15, nothing dey happen. We dey. Gidigba

Na so i go come hide for your house

Nothing do the chillis....

Chillisauce:


You don't need to answer this, ask yourself is you are a regular self servicer? That might explain it.

Since you are healthy, and not gay. Nna, body no be firewood na. Check am na

I've never tried that shit. That saying - body no be firewood no work for me o. My own na metal sef

Poor mutter! Can u be less graphic with your stories next time Thank you!

Seems you are from the north. Not strange

MarvellousGod:
spill it out girl, we are here to help each other..


As regards knowing if he is the one, i don't think there's a hard and fast rule to that... i will say a friend who you can talk to about just anything, feel very safe and comfortable around him, keep no secrets.. someone who when you remember/see makes your heart leap for joy...

Some will say, make a list of what you need in a man, if he meets majority of that, like say 80% then marry him... but you have to first check if you can live with the missing 20% forever...

I'm just confuse and not happy within. I wish I can be happy.

striktlymi:


I really do hope so.

All I wanted was to try and understand (even if it is only 1%) the female mindset. I didn't realize I will be greeted with 'horror stories'. I can't imagine how two adults who professed undying love for each other before marriage would grow so much apart after they tie the knot, just because one or both of them are so so selfish.

I was thinking of actively searching for a wife in the next quarter of this year but with all this 'horror stories' I may just put that thought on hold until I get my head straightened out from all I have read on this thread.

I only hope the damage is not permanent.

If anyone tells you or guarantees that by finding the right woman you automatically have a happy and long-lasting marriage, that person lied!
While finding the right woman (according to your own standards) may be the first step, how you deal with the unexpected and unpleasant situations that may arise in that marriage is what determines how far/how well it goes.

Carry on with your plans of actively searching for a wife, it's not so hard finding a good woman if you know exactly what you're looking out for.

edwife:


If she does that,that where i said i do not agree with most of her post but that does not make me judge her by some posts and automatically disqualify her.
Whenever she is in the wrong,one should try and address it and try to understand why is she thinking that way.....i see her also condemning some men....

Most of her posts I agree with are not marriage related

I do not agree with some posts of my 'post alikes' and yet I do not judge them

If she always blames men, I would understand... but to heap most on women after her ordeal is weird

Disqualify... there is no qualification process here na

It is all good

Herzumpther:
I'm just confuse and not happy within. I wish I can be happy.

Whatever makes you sad?

Need to sort it out before entering a relationship

edwife:


When you know what you want out of life,nothing bitter will come your way.
Yes people grow and have needs that will be different from yours but the point of marriage is to come together,it is an union,partnership.

You discuss things,you planned together,you dream together...try as much to find someone who share the same mindset as yours.you are both adult and a man or woman is not your child.Learn to talk to and not at.

Keep communication coming,never keep secrets or burden.Learn to share and always be the listening ear for one another.

And in all PATIENCE PATIENCE PATIENCE!

I agree totally with you and quite frankly when I think of the kinda relationship (and ultimately marriage) that I want, they all play out perfectly in my head because for now I am the only actor and I get to change the scenes as much as I want to suite my purpose but real life is different.

Real life states that marriage can be beautiful if and only if you are ready to give it your very best shot and you are married to the right person. It involves two actors where both are expected to trust each other and find out ways to make their individual visions a collective goal. The challenge is always at the point of finding that partner who is trustworthy.

People say pray and study your partner before you go ahead with it but I assure you that there are highly skeptical prayer warriors, ready to give their all in marriage, who have fallen prey to abusive relationships and/or marriages.

I don't have any challenge committing to a lady and striking that beautiful partnership with her but my headache is giving my all to someone that is only too willing to reduce the effort I put in to rubbish.

I am someone who enjoys being at peace with himself. Anything that would disrupt that balance I try to do away with when I can. Causing pains to someone I call wife or receiving same from her would greatly affect my state of well-being hence it is an undesirable.

I am thinking if it is worth it going to a relationship that may end up in misery, heartache and probably untimely death when one can just stay back and be a spectator?

laykhorn:
Oh! well, I may also need a little counselling. I dont see mine as a problem though.
.
I think I directly and indirectly shutdown myself emotionally and sexually. I have NEVER been attracted to anybody, at-least not in this lifetime . Although, I meet a lot of them; admirable ones, I rarely speak with and move with them, I'm very sociable and to some extent, I get a lot of attention from the female folks but I still don't get that chemistry. I prefer sitting on pins for a whole day to watching Telemundos and Bollywood fairy-tales, I cant even stand anything that has an element of show of affection. All my intimate friends, my cousins and everyone around thinks something is wrong with me but I dont think so. There are a lot of things I cant post on this forum that I have experienced from the female folks.
My mum -- who knows virtually everything that goes on in my life -- has tried numerous times to get me to talk about my romantic relationship always get a cold-heart and nothing in return. My neighbors think I'm gay for reasons known to them, My best friend is afraid I may not get married and even my cousins think If I was ever going to get married, It would be very very late In fact some others think its spiritual. May I also mention that I have this sobriquet "Robot". If I was ever to list my scale of preference, a relationship or even sex would be the one-thousand thing I want. OK! That was an exaggeration.
I dont see this as a problem but I also hope it doesnt leads to an upcoming one. I'm not impotent and I'm still very young in my early 20s.
.
babyosisi, EfemenaXY, moca, other Aunts and BigBrothers in the house, Tell me something

How was your parent's/people marriage around you?

bukatyne:


Disqualify... there is no qualification process here na

It is all good

Disqualify in the context of being unfit to give advice concerning marriage .

Anyway it's all good.i have derailed the thread enough.

crackhaus:

If anyone tells you or guarantees that by finding the right woman you automatically have a happy and long-lasting marriage, that person lied!
While finding the right woman (according to your own standards) may be the first step, how you deal with the unexpected and unpleasant situations that may arise in that marriage is what determines how far/how well it goes.

Carry on with your plans of actively searching for a wife, it's not so hard finding a good woman if you know exactly what you're looking out for.

With all those horror stories??

@Bold: You are scaring me shytless. You are saying that even with the 'right person' things can still go wrong?

Mehn..this was worse than I thought.

Here was I trying to make myself believe that the only challenge is finding the 'right person'.

What really makes marriage work if it is not about being with the 'right person'?

By 'right person' I mean one who you can cherish for life, not necessarily mr or miss perfect.

striktlymi:


I thought I was interested in it o but after the stories here I need to do a thorough evaluation of that interest. It's one thing to read about fictional stories and another to read true life stories.

Yeah...ultimately for me, God is all that matters but God won't come down to show me my spouse.

Mehn...marriage can be a pain in da butt if one makes the mistake of marrying a 'snake'.

@bold, very true

The stories should ginger you not to be like the men and enable you shine your eyes wella to pick a wife.

It would also help you to know that beauty is fleeting and character matters most

GO and PICK A DAME (If Jona catches you, I nor dey o)!

edwife:


Disqualify in the context of being unfit to give advice concerning marriage .

Anyway it's all good.i have derailed the thread enough.

There is nobody unfit to give marital advice honestly

You just pick the advice most suited to your personality/type of marriage you want/have

Yea, it is all good

bukatyne:


@bold, very true

The stories should ginger you not to be like the men and enable you shine your eyes wella to pick a wife.

It would also help you to know that beauty is fleeting and character matters most

GO and PICK A DAME (If Jona catches you, I nor dey o)!

Lol!!!

Yeah I agree, all those are eye openers but the stories no be here...

Anways, make I continue to follow with one eye open.

bukatyne:


How was your parent's/people marriage around you?

Uh! nothing really bad. They often have little quarrel that result from arguments but nothing ever serious. It doesnt last long and usually my Dad jokingly mentions it to us.

laykhorn:


Uh! nothing really bad. They often have little quarrel that result from arguments but nothing ever serious. It doesnt last long and usually my Dad jokingly mentions it to us.

Did you have an awful experience with women/people in the past?

Were you abused? Betrayed?

bukatyne:


Whatever makes you sad?

Need to sort it out before entering a relationship

I met this guy 2 years ago and we started out as good friends. His mum is from Osun state and his dad from Lagos state. He is really nice and humble........I don't know how to describe him. At first I tot he was too good to be true because of the way he behaves...........at a point he took our friendship to another level and by then I already knew he was all I wanted, I was just waiting for him to poop the question lol. He didn't ask me out tho but made me his friend and we got so close that I became very comfortable with him and all of a sudden we just saw ourselves talking marriage and that was it. I told my dad in Jan last year that somebody was coming for me and he asked me from where, I told him Yoruba and he looked at me like...... Eh.....which part and I said Lagos. Daddy said "Herz just remove your mind from there, I will never allow you marry from the west and I won't give my blessings, the earlier you stop seeing him the better for everybody". I became emotionally down and started giving olalekan space. People still come for me and I misbehave along the line, some I just snub. Last year alone i turned down 9 suitors even tho I met another guy from awka and decided to go with him I still misbahaved but went back to him but it seems like it can never work because the communication is not there and I beg even before we see. I already decided to let him go because ......its not just working.

On the other hand the Yoruba guy still doesn't want to let go as he keeps saying I'm too different for him to let go and with me he feels inner peace. Me too my mind is kind of still there. Each time his parent visit Nigeria he will tell me they want to come but I just keep giving excuses.

Last week Saturday he called me to meet him up and pooped the question I was once longing to hear from him and as soon as I saw the ring I took to my heels, entered a bus to a destination I didn't even hear well all because it was the last seat just to run away. He came to Nigeria just for me as he shuttles Nigeria and America where his parent are based.

My problem now i can't seem to get him out of my system. Its weighing me down. I want to be happy again. Please help me. I misbehave and can't get a relationship going again. How do I stop thinking of him and be normal again??

striktlymi:


Lol!!!

Yeah I agree, all those are eye openers but the stories no be here...

Anways, make I continue to follow with one eye open.

All the best

Herzumpther:
I met this guy 2 years ago and we started out as good friends. His mum is from Osun state and his dad from Lagos state. He is really nice and humble........I don't know how to describe him. At first I tot he was too good to be true because of the way he behaves...........at a point he took our friendship to another level and by then I already knew he was all I wanted, I was just waiting for him to poop the question lol. He didn't ask me out tho but made me his friend and we got so close that I became very comfortable with him and all of a sudden we just saw ourselves talking marriage and that was it. I told my dad in Jan last year that somebody was coming for me and he asked me from where, I told him Yoruba and he looked at me like...... Eh.....which part and I said Lagos. Daddy said "Herz just remove your mind from there, I will never allow you marry from the west and I won't give my blessings, the earlier you stop seeing him the better for everybody". I became emotionally down and started giving olalekan space. People still come for me and I misbehave along the line, some I just snub. Last year alone i turned down 9 suitors even tho I met another guy from awka and decided to go with him I still misbahaved but went back to him but it seems like it can never work because the communication is not there and I beg even before we see. I already decided to let him go because ......its not just working.

On the other hand the Yoruba guy still doesn't want to let go as he keeps saying I'm too different for him to let go and with me he feels inner peace. Me too my mind is kind of still there. Each time his parent visit Nigeria he will tell me they want to come but I just keep giving excuses.

Last week Saturday he called me to meet him up and pooped the question I was once longing to hear from him and as soon as I saw the ring I took to my heels, entered a bus to a destination I didn't even hear well all because it was the last seat just to run away. He came to Nigeria just for me as he shuttles Nigeria and America where his parent are based.

My problem now i can't seem to get him out of my system. Its weighing me down. I want to be happy again. Please help me. I misbehave and can't get a relationship going again. How do I stop thinking of him and be normal again??

Woaw!

Can you get your mum to talk to your dad or for her to meet him first to even evaluate him?

What if this Yoruba guy is the right man for you?

Please don't give up on your relationship with him just yet

It is well

bukatyne:


Did you have an awful experience with women/people in the past?

Were you abused? Betrayed?

I think I'm starting to see a better picture but I dont think its still anyhow related. Yeah! Once abused by a neighbor about 10 years older but its been over 12 years now. I've gotten over that a long time ago and I dont even remember till this very moment you mentioned it.
I dont think its the cause.