laykhorn:


I think I'm starting to see a better picture but I dont think its still anyhow related. Yeah! Once abused by a neighbor about 10 years older but its been over 12 years now. I've gotten over that a long time ago and I dont even remember till this very moment you mentioned it.
I dont think its the cause.

bukatyne:


Woaw!

Can you get your mum to talk to your dad or for her to meet him first to even evaluate him?

What if this Yoruba guy is the right man for you?

Please don't give up on your relationship with him just yet

It is well

striktlymi:


With all those horror stories??

@Bold: You are scaring me shytless. You are saying that even with the 'right person' things can still go wrong?

Mehn..this was worse than I thought.

Here was I trying to make myself believe that the only challenge is finding the 'right person'.

What really makes marriage work if it is not about being with the 'right person'?

By 'right person' I mean one who you can cherish for life, not necessarily mr or miss perfect.

Floodgater:
from what you told me and BM, i can say you are confuse cos you dont yet know what you want in a man. Like the analogy i used above, can you go to the market with a dress in mind have trouble making a choice choosing from the dresses available? even if circumstances do not permit what you have in mind, you dont just go for the next available but the next similar to or better than what you had in mind. Know what you want in a man, what you can compromise in a man as no one is perfect and what you cant compromise. If after knowing what you want, and this guy is it, ask yourself if you can accomodate his dentition. If you can, then open yourself to love him taking consideration of loving and protecting him at instances that the dentition might be an issue but if you cant stand the dentition then quit. Dont force yourself to fit into the words definition of perfect only, have your own definition as one man's meat is another's poison. Now listen, you dont fall helplessly in love before checking out, that is why i say have your criteria at heart so that you only let yourself love him that meets the requirements. After you opened up more, i think you have not open yourself to loving this guy and his dentition, you are embarassed by it. Open up to love him wholly like you would want him your faults and if you still cant stand it, leave.

Herzumpther:
My daddy is a very hard person when it comes to changing his decisions. The only person that changes his mind is my grandpa (His father). Right now grandpa is very sick and I doubt if he will be able to recognize me or hear me well. He is 136 Years old and hardly hears well these days plus his everyday sickness.

Mum has tried but for now no way. I also reported to his sisters but yet he is still standing his ground saying Yoruba's marry plenty and he doesn't want me to be maltreated.

bukatyne:


Sure you did not suppress that pain/experience and unconsciously acting on it?

bukatyne:


@bold:

You have to be firm in a polite way, you are the one that will live with your hubby for the rest of your life. (Our parents don't necessarily know the best for us)

Can you get your dad to meet with him? let him evaluate him one on one before throwing him away with all Yoruba guys...

Besides, polygamy & maltreatment is not only found in Yoruba land

All the best

laykhorn:

I think you have a point but I still dont get something here. If my brain serves me right, It was an awful experience; with all sort of dirty things but No penetration. I'm a very highly-strung person but I get over things in an unbelievably fast manner. Except I see her again, that memory rarely hunts me. I'm not convinced that its the cause but I'm giving it a benefit of doubt. What do you think I should do then?

prissyluv:
Herz,nawa oo.have you left the guy already?
Bukatyne,it is just the tribe issue. Dad has even refused to see him.
Stillfire,what sort of independent will I be?

Herzumpther:
Aunty babyosisi, my first question is HOW DO YOU KNOW HE IS THE ONE? I have this thing eating me up and I've been looking for who to talk to about it o. Its killing me inside.

prissyluv:
Herz,nawa oo.have you left the guy already?
Bukatyne,it is just the tribe issue. Dad has even refused to see him.
Stillfire,what sort of independent will I be?

Herzumpther:
My daddy is a very hard person when it comes to changing his decisions. The only person that changes his mind is my grandpa (His father). Right now grandpa is very sick and I doubt if he will be able to recognize me or hear me well. He is 136 Years old and hardly hears well these days plus his everyday sickness.

Mum has tried but for now no way. I also reported to his sisters but yet he is still standing his ground saying Yoruba's marry plenty and he doesn't want me to be maltreated.

Herzumpther:
I will try.
Thanks ma'am, God bless.

FOREXMARTS:


Am gonna give you a honest advice, take a sheet of paper, draw two tables, on the right list all the things you love about him, on the left list all the things you don't like or hate about him. Cut off or tear off the right side of the table(the things you love about him) and toss it in a trash can. Now read all the things you don't like about him, when ur ask yourself, do i still love him with only these attributes, can i live with him if he only possessed these attributes? If your answer is yes then he is the man for you, if it's no then quit now while u still have the chance.

prissyluv:
I applaud all the capable hands here. You guys are really doing a great job!

My own problem/headache/confusion/depression is tribe and parental consent. I must admit that I got lots of advice from snazzylove thread about intending couples and couples but more is needed esp in regards to my fears below.

On 14th feb,my dad told me that i should forget the idea that he will give his consent to me marrying a benin man. He said it is very very impossible for him to do so,that he wont even give his consent at a gun point but on the other hand if I decide to elope with him that I am clearly on my own.
In my heart,I know this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with but my parents actions are saying otherwise.

Now my fears and confusion:
1)If i leave this good man,how sure I am that another good and better men will come? And one who will treat me right.
2)When will that be?I found it also difficult to love.(my love goes off and on) I am also one who does not like sexual activities that much. Will I find that understanding man?
3)Wont I get to regret my actions of leaving a man I love becos of tribe in my later years? I am very impatience in nature,I am afraid I will pick the wrong guy down the lane.

cytochromeC:


Hmm, I think you might have hit the nail on the head with the bolded. I realised I have a problem with his dentition. And because we got to see twice( after talking for close to a year) before I agreed to date him, I didn't notice it very well. Its not a horrible one but I just think I would have preferred an almost white one. Other than that though, he's goodlooking and tall. So maybe that isn't really the problem?

Also, I'm just about hitting my mid 20s and I'm very far from being a 'bad' girl so it's not about settling for him because someone else will not show up due to my past or my age or how I look. I just want to be sure I won't be making a mistake leaving the relationship for the unknown.

Ma'am, I read stories about people's husband's and it scares me. I just want someone that would give me peace of mind. His goodness isn't about riches, I met him when he was still a youth corper and started dating him even before he got his first job. He respects me, adores me, motivates me and inspires me. I like his personality, his sense of humour, it's JUST that chemistry I'm having issues with.

Let me chip this in. I met someone 6months ago, who I was attracted to but I didn't have any relationship with him, I still respect my relationship and would rather leave than cheat on my boyfriend. I just kept this guy as a friend as he promised heaven and earth just to date me and possibly marry me but Something in me kept telling me there was something not genuine about him. One way or the other I found out he had already done introduction to be married soon, yet he acted like he was really into me. I confronted him and he admitted and..the rest is history.

I then imagined if I had left my relationship for him because I felt I was attracted to him only to be hit with such a betrayal. Sigh

Kimoni:


Herz, first thing is to ask yourself if you are sure this is the guy you truly want to spend your life with? The guy says he has inner peace with you, do you feel the same thing with him or you still have doubts? Do you love him enough to go through the good times and bad times with him? Do you have that conviction that he is truly the man you want to marry?

You say he is based abroad, do you know him well enough? His likes and dislikes? What you can stand about him and that you cannot endure? Ask yourself these questions first and be convicted with your answers.

Once you are sure he is the one, pls tell him the challenges you have. Open up to him about your dad as you guys' relationship is now on another level. Ask him for his own opinion and what he thinks is the way forward since your dad has issues with his tribe. I expect him to proffer solutions on how you can both change his mind.

Do you know about the guy's family? Is it true that in his family, they marry more than one wife? Or the divorce rate is truly high? These are part of what you should discuss with your dad. Explain to him your guy's family is not like that and you see no reason why his own marriage to you will be different. Beg him to at least meet with your guy and question him about any fears he has.

Has your dad got close friends from the west who are happily married that can speak with him and use their own marriage to allay his fears? Or a priest from the West he respects a lot, or even from another tribe but not a tribalist?

Finally, your dad is a Christian, explain to him that ultimately, this is the man you know God has destined for you and you will not like to miss the will of God for your life

FOREXMARTS:


You're at a crossroad now, you will have to decide between ur family and him. Trust me you don't want to hear or read my advice cos allot of people here will get it twisted so i'll leave you to decide.

Last bullet: You will be the one to live with who u marry not ur parents, they are not God. They have written their own marital book and now are writing urs. Okay nau.

bukatyne:

Same thing I told Herz...
Our parents are not always right and we get to live with their choices for the rest of our lives
If their choices are wrong, we live with it (they will only apologize)
It is well

prissyluv:
Herz,nawa oo.have you left the guy already?
Bukatyne,it is just the tribe issue. Dad has even refused to see him.
Stillfire,what sort of independent will I be?

Herzumpther:
Yes ma'am kimoni I'm sure.I've never been so comfortable with even my closest friend the way I am with him. I know him. I know him to a very good extent too.I can stand hard times times with him. We understand each other. His family has no problem with me, they are not tribalistic and they are strong Christians. They don't marry more than one, they are simple and very loving.

Telling him is what I plan to do if I get the courage to pick his call. I'm tired of keeping it too.

Yes dad has Yoruba close friends, his second closest friend is a Yoruba man and he is married with one wife alone. Happily married Gan.

Asking my dadto meet with him might be a bit hard but I will try talk to him about it. I will also talk to him as you advised.

Kimoni:


Great that you feel this way towards him and you can vouch for him to a large extent. And it's a bonus he comes from a good fam.

Pls pick your guy's call and speak with him. Have a heart to heart talk with him. I believe your dad will come round eventually but you need your guy to stand by you through this troubled times.

This is your first baptism of love and you won't give up on trur love. **hugz**

Stillfire:


Have you ever disagreed with your dad before and how did you go about it? I suspect you haven't.
By independence I mean, do you have opinions of your own? Have you always been a Yes daddy, yes sir kind of person?
I know with African training, you can't go against your dad's wishes, they will use all the superstitions in this world to argue why you shouldn't counter their argument.
I am not saying you insult them, just be firm, practical and rational.
When dad says bla bla, respond and say Daddy I do not think I agree with you and give your reasons why succintly.
I can assure you they will throw a big tantrum. African parents have the biggest egos on earth, but maintain your stand.
If you have been doing this since you were 20 or so, they would have gotten with the program.

This advise is for adults o, not teenagers. If you're a teen and I catch you disobeying your parents ehn...

keppyy:
@ cococandy, Your statement brought back old memories.

It's Indeed crazy that most parents choose to stay in a marriage just because of the percieved stigma of divorced kids.

I remember waking up one morning and I asked my parents to seperate, I remember the ceaseless fights, the broken appliances, the blood spill, the hateful words, the endless family mediations, the hospital adventures and everything. I remember it all.

My SuGar-DAD and SuGar-MUM are the best parents ever, they are my bestfriends but their marriage was a disaster...

Their marriage wrecked my psych and caused me to hate them for years...I had a dream once to be like Oprah (To never get married) but all that has changed..

I've gotten over all that now...There are good marriages out there and mine won't be different...

Please, You cause more harm to your children if you stay in a disastrous marriage...I won't advice divorce but seperation for a period to evaluaate the situation properly and find a solution.

Stillfire:


Have you ever disagreed with your dad before and how did you go about it? I suspect you haven't.
By independence I mean, do you have opinions of your own? Have you always been a Yes daddy, yes sir kind of person?
I know with African training, you can't go against your dad's wishes, they will use all the superstitions in this world to argue why you shouldn't counter their argument.
I am not saying you insult them, just be firm, practical and rational.
When dad says bla bla, respond and say Daddy I do not think I agree with you and give your reasons why succintly.
I can assure you they will throw a big tantrum. African parents have the biggest egos on earth, but maintain your stand.
If you have been doing this since you were 20 or so, they would have gotten with the program.

This advise is for adults o, not teenagers. If you're a teen and I catch you disobeying your parents ehn...

prissyluv:

Pls you are free to give out ur advice. I will appreciate it more if those my fears are tackled. Thanks dear
Buka...dear,I cant afford to end up unhappy. My life will be a mess. I know what am going through already talkless of ending with someone my heart doesnt beat for.
Pls address those my fears. Thanks.

Pls you are free to give out ur advice. I will appreciate it more if those my fears are tackled. Thanks dear

prissyluv:

I understand your point of view but I ve never had a course to disagree with my dad on major issues like this.

ephee:


mojayo dear i know what marriage entails nd i can tell u i dnt nag nd i had to obey all he wanted for peace sake but instead i was taken for granted.i doubt if u can take a pinch of all d rubbish u took.


lemme give u some hints

i had to mix diesel and kerosene to cook coz he wanted d kerosene to last mind u am ashmatic but i obeyed.

he cant stand my baby crying coz it pisses him off to d xtend he spanked her hard at 2months

he dosnt allow me use d fridge to store foods coz he says d odor wil pollute d fridge

av got quite a lot of ridiculous tins i had to succumb to for peace sake but did d beatings stop? NO

hez been hitting me all tru pregnancy but i endured. i was taking care of the home despite not contributing financially instead he puts his money on bets and football while we go hungry.but i stil struggled nd made sure i took care of every bills and xpenses witout complaining.

i tried getting him a job but he said he dosnt like office work and if d pay is not up to 50k then he is not intrested.

to crown it up he lied he was an OND holder whereas he had only SSCE and forged results which was d reason he didnt want an office job coz he has nothing to bak it up sine results are always comfirmed but i stil stayed and encouraged him despite dat.


he is naturally violent,aggressive and proud.

who told u products of divorced kids also follows same trend.i know quite a lot of kids who are happily married nd waxing strong bcoz their parents mistake was a source of lesson for them and they ensured they neva repeat them in their own marriages.


i blive no matter d reason a man shouldnt raise up his finger on a woman rather he shuld walk away then com bak later. one way or d other they wil sort it out.


i blive i wil find a man that wil understand and love me for who i am. i am not perfect but i am peaceful nd patient. for d fact i went tru hell wit a man dosnt make me generalize that all men ar d same.there are still good and outstanding men out there.


if ur hubby hits u and u feel its wort the stay its entirely ur opinion.for d fact u have a good husband dosnt mean its by ur submission and obedience.ur hubby is only manly enough to handle u witout issues xcept if u ar lieing.

mutter:
Thumbs up.
There is so mature and genuine. I love this thread.
It is like balsam to the soul.

Please for any of you in an abusive marriage. Pick up your courage and leave. God will always find a way to make it right.
When I left my ex with kids I was headed into the unknown. Yes I was lucky that I had the opportunity to go to Germany but I went through a great deal of pans, hard work, adjusting and trying to find my feet.
Yes I paid a very high price for leaving but it was worth it at the end and God remained faithful.

What kept me so long in that marriage was also pressure. From seeing others marriage work out, from family. Everyone kept giving advice like be humble, be obedient and the beating will stop. That was the biggest mistake because it just got worse.
The things I got beaten for were absurd.
- I did not hear him at the door at 2 in the morning.
- I cooked and gave his people form the village chicken.
- I looked a male visitor in the face.
- The curtain was not straight.
- I was not responding in bed which meant I probably got it somewhere else.

He had this habit of summoning a "tribunal" made up of his family or friends and they would start querying me. I just did not understand it. I did not dare tell them what was going on because that would only attract another beating. Well noted the whole time kneeling and only apologizing. Finally one day I showed some women my bruises. They were shocked. After my ex had hit me the first time on the face and got rebuked from a senior officer he never made that mistake again. He would hit me more on my trunk upper arms and upper legs. He told me that those were parts of my body I had no right to expose to another man. So it actually went quite unnoticed, only that I would limp at times and sometimes I could not even sit down. IT was bad.

Then he had this sick habit of asking me to take off my undies for him to control when I came back home. At a stage he even wanted to inspect me. Why wold I protest if I was innocent he would ask.

Did I ever mention a woman I knew who was raped when the daughter was just a day old and all the stitches bust
In the early hours of the night I begged him to take me to the hospital to be stitched back because the longer it was open, the less the chance of healing. It took so long, the baby cried and cried while they were stitching me and my husband ordered the nurse to put the baby on my breast. I was in so much pain because the doctor did not use enough anesthetics. Being a military hospital the nurse complied and was trying to hold the baby on my breast. I pleaded with her not to. I didn't want my daughter to drink my pain
She put her finger into the baby´ baby´s mouth.

Yes it was bad and it was getting really SICK!

Then he decided to take another wife. He brought a man and a batman to do all the chore for him, did not eat my food. He locked me out of my room. would have to wait for him to come home late in the night and then he would open his room and ask me to come and sleep there. In the morning he would let me enter my room to change. He took the car away from me. Made me give him all my salary.

Then finally I took the step. I went to visit his people in the village to explain that I could not cope. They had nothing to say except that I should go but alone.
I went home to my family, they said I could go but he could not put me up. He did not want the army in his home.
So I called my grandmother in Germany. God bless her departed soul! She went the very next day to the airline and booked one way tickets for me and the kids. I told my ex that my grand grand mum had invited me to Germany with the kid`s to see her now she was getting old. He let me go happily because he was planning his wedding.

When you read all this you would realize that it was constructive desertion-

My ex by his action made it impossible/ forced me to live for me to stay.
When a man makes it impossible for you to stay. Then you are not leaving the home but the man sent you off.

I wish I could proudly say I left on my own free will. But I actually had no choice.

After leaving the marriage the greatest bitterness was giving that man the best years of my life.

Herzumpther:
Same here. I've never disobeyed my dad....NEVER.

He just wants me to pick a hubby from the east.

bukatyne:


When you see her, the memory haunts you?

Then it is more of suppressed than forgotten

You need healing... Spiritual or psychological (depending on the one you favor)

Spiritual: Draw closer to God and tell Him to heal you... (talk to him as friend to friend...talk not 'traditional prayer style')
Psychological: talk to a psychologist..

It is well

mutter:


My daughter was 26 hours old!

He is on his fouth marriage after me and told me recently he wants to get married again.