prissyluv:
I applaud all the capable hands here. You guys are really doing a great job!

My own problem/headache/confusion/depression is tribe and parental consent. I must admit that I got lots of advice from snazzylove thread about intending couples and couples but more is needed esp in regards to my fears below.

On 14th feb,my dad told me that i should forget the idea that he will give his consent to me marrying a benin man. He said it is very very impossible for him to do so,that he wont even give his consent at a gun point but on the other hand if I decide to elope with him that I am clearly on my own.
In my heart,I know this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with but my parents actions are saying otherwise.

Now my fears and confusion:
1)If i leave this good man, how sure I am that another good and better men will come? And one who will treat me right. I believe there is a perfect fit/soul mate and there are good fits. Is this man your prefect fit? Only you could answer that. Prayers would work a lot of wonders For now, it is only your parents no (based on only tribe) that is the issue here. Men might come however my concern is the fitting.

2)When will that be? I found it also difficult to love. (my love goes off and on) I am also one who does not like sexual activities that much. Will I find that understanding man?Is your current man aware of your sex drive? Does he understand?

3)Wont I get to regret my actions of leaving a man I love becos of tribe in my later years? I am very impatience in nature, I am afraid I will pick the wrong guy down the lane. You will regret your actions especially if you do not get someone better later so you have to exhaust all options and be sure he is not for you before letting go... The choice of a martial partner requires a great deal of patience and knowing what you want. There is no room for impatience, error, or gra gra.

laykhorn:

how do you forget such things? My sister, its impossible to forget naa. The last time I saw her was in 2009 which is a while now. There is this wakward friction between us. I just avoided her as much as possible and I made sure we had nothing to do together but its not like that 'haunt' you know. I'm still not convinced its a spiritual or psychological ish.

prissyluv:

My dear,it is well. Yours sound easy to solve becos u ve ur mum by urside and looks like u guys dont reside in the east.
Follow what Kimoni said first and see what happens. Hopefully,your dad will come to accept.
Mine looks like something that is not going to end. I pray it does sha.

babyosisi:


If he lives longer he will marry 10 wives and they will all leave
He may just get the woman that will show him serious pepper
Where are those women that can use broken bottles and cut off a man's preek when you need them

prissyluv:
I applaud all the capable hands here. You guys are really doing a great job!

My own problem/headache/confusion/depression is tribe and parental consent. I must admit that I got lots of advice from snazzylove thread about intending couples and couples but more is needed esp in regards to my fears below.

On 14th feb,my dad told me that i should forget the idea that he will give his consent to me marrying a benin man. He said it is very very impossible for him to do so,that he wont even give his consent at a gun point but on the other hand if I decide to elope with him that I am clearly on my own.
In my heart,I know this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with but my parents actions are saying otherwise.

Now my fears and confusion:
1)If i leave this good man,how sure I am that another good and better men will come? And one who will treat me right.
2)When will that be?I found it also difficult to love.(my love goes off and on) I am also one who does not like sexual activities that much. Will I find that understanding man?
3)Wont I get to regret my actions of leaving a man I love becos of tribe in my later years? I am very impatience in nature,I am afraid I will pick the wrong guy down the lane.

bukatyne:


You might never forget, but the remembrance would cause no pain...

@bold: It is important to go the route of either one you are comfortable with

Babyosisi

laykhorn:

how do you forget such things? My sister, its impossible to forget naa. The last time I saw her was in 2009 which is a while now. There is this wakward friction between us. I just avoided her as much as possible and I made sure we had nothing to do together but its not like that 'haunt' you know. I'm still not convinced its a spiritual or psychological ish.

laykhorn:

Ok! Thanks ma'am.


Aunty! You no gree reply my mention abi

Herzumpther:
Hmmm. I told my dad of a man coming for me and he asked me where he is from, as soon as I said Yoruba he just looked at me and asked me to specify his state and I said Lagos state. Dad looked at me again and said Herz, you better remove your mind from there, I will never allow you marry a man from the west. I won't give my blessings so the earlier you stop seeing him the better for everybody.

babyosisi:


You owe no one any explanations
You wore the shoe

MojAyo:
I think she knw the kind of person her husband was before settling down for him,ve she nt been seeing all dis wicked stuffs before getting married to him,I believe there is nothing like a perfect marriage,u only make it work for the future of ur kids,the one ephee said about her man nt being responsible,many men re like dat today,bt there women re still supporting their man for the kids sake and marriage sake,every women ve their marital problems,bt its just only d way they address it that matters most,only if there is no love in the marriage will a man spank his two month old baby with his wife,I think d guy has some mental issues,sorry to say,with all what ephee mentioned out here

LaRoyalHighness:
You again!!! Why won't you simply read and allow people that have something important to say to do so?

babyosisi:


Hahahahaha
A relative of mine had two serious suitors a Yoruba man and a man from my village
Her parents and everyone said nne forget that Yoruba man sharp sharp
The girl resisted,even ran away to Lagos a while
Her family stormed MFM praying her back,she eventually married my village man,big wedding etc
The man almost beat her to death they are now divorced
A new suitor comes along ,another Yoruba man ,they are now waiting for him to come with his people to bring wine and bride price

laykhorn:
Oh! well, I may also need a little counselling. I dont see mine as a problem though.
.
I think I directly and indirectly shutdown myself emotionally and sexually. I have NEVER been attracted to anybody, at-least not in this lifetime . Although, I meet a lot of them; admirable ones, I rarely speak with and move with them, I'm very sociable and to some extent, I get a lot of attention from the female folks but I still don't get that chemistry. I prefer sitting on pins for a whole day to watching Telemundos and Bollywood fairy-tales, I cant even stand anything that has an element of show of affection. All my intimate friends, my cousins and everyone around thinks something is wrong with me but I dont think so. There are a lot of things I cant post on this forum that I have experienced from the female folks.
My mum -- who knows virtually everything that goes on in my life -- has tried numerous times to get me to talk about my romantic relationship always get a cold-heart and nothing in return. My neighbors think I'm gay for reasons known to them, My best friend is afraid I may not get married and even my cousins think If I was ever going to get married, It would be very very late In fact some others think its spiritual. May I also mention that I have this sobriquet "Robot". If I was ever to list my scale of preference, a relationship or even sex would be the one-thousand thing I want. OK! That was an exaggeration.
I dont see this as a problem but I also hope it doesnt leads to an upcoming one. I'm not impotent and I'm still very young in my early 20s.
.
babyosisi, EfemenaXY, moca, other Aunts and BigBrothers in the house, Tell me something

babyosisi:


Do whatever is within your power to make your dad come around
Find an uncle, an aunt ,a close family friend,his pastor,someone you know your dad loves and respects and go to them with your man and appeal to them.let the fiancé tell that person know how much he loves you and will treat you right and allow that person to advocate for you.

I will never ever advice any woman to marry a man without the blessings of her parents ,never!
A man may do it,never a woman
Unless your dad is genuinely crazy and a no good father but if you love and respect him and he has been a good father to you,do not go against his wishes to marry.
Besides the biblical injunction of honoring your father and mother,marriage is rough sometimes
If you don't have the support of your parents, that same man that is a prince in shining armor today could turn around tomorrow and use that against you and you will take abuse because you have no place to run to.
He won't regard your parents and that will hurt you
Not worth it
If this man is the one,they will come around and give you away properly.
When you have their backing,there is a message that goes out to your husband that this girl is coming from a family solidly behind her.
As a woman ,you need that

MojAyo:
excuse me,did I ever explain my marital problems to u,or what's ur problem with mine,the way we address situation differs

prissyluv:
Herz,nawa oo.have you left the guy already?
Bukatyne,it is just the tribe issue. Dad has even refused to see him.
Stillfire,what sort of independent will I be?

Herzumpther:
Lol. If you don't kill me with laughter in this forum who will?

Eyah..maybe her destiny is tied to the west.

babyosisi:


This is certainly not normal.
Did you witness abuse as a kid?
Was your father in your life?
Do you have an overbearing mother?

Herzumpther:
Lol. If you don't kill me with laughter in this forum who will?

Eyah..maybe her destiny is tied to the west.

babyosisi:


Hahahahaha
A relative of mine had two serious suitors a Yoruba man and a man from my village
Her parents and everyone said nne forget that Yoruba man sharp sharp
The girl resisted,even ran away to Lagos a while
Her family stormed MFM praying her back,she eventually married my village man,big wedding etc
The man almost beat her to death they are now divorced
A new suitor comes along ,another Yoruba man ,they are now waiting for him to come with his people to bring wine and bride price

ichidodo:
Your problem isn't difficult..though we also have reservations about these intertribal marriages especially now that divorce rates are skyrocketing, women are getting mistreated in their homes and nobody wants his daughter far away where he can't protect her....we expect your guy to pick up the gaunlet and go meet your father..man to man... and ask for your hand in marriage.That way your dad can unburden his deep thoughts to him and both can delibrate issues like men and come to am understanding..An understand that should assuage your father's deep fears. A woman should not be sent to do man's job.

laykhorn:

Abuse -- Yes, but I still position it in a fringe to this
Father -- Yes, a good one.
overbearing Mother -- sometimes, but she isnt a problem.

ichidodo:
Your problem isn't difficult..though we also have reservations about these intertribal marriages especially now that divorce rates are skyrocketing, women are getting mistreated in their homes and nobody wants his daughter far away where he can't protect her....we expect your guy to pick up the gaunlet and go meet your father..man to man... and ask for your hand in marriage.That way your dad can unburden his deep thoughts to him and both can delibrate issues like men and come to an understanding..An understanding that should assuage your father's deep fears. A woman should not be sent to do man's job.

OmoAlata1:


I really believe that abuse is what affecting you right now subconsciously. I believe when you seek psychological help for it, you will see big changes in you. Abuse is a horrible thing and it can destroy if not dealt with properly.

Herzumpther:
Hmmmm. I've been the one giving excuses because my dad said he won't let me marry a Yoruba man....I don't know but... Do I still let him meet my dad on his own?? I mean try his luck? I've not told him my dad has said he won't let me marry from the west.

OmoAlata1:


I really believe that abuse is what affecting you right now subconsciously. I believe when you seek psychological help for it, you will see big changes in you. Abuse is a horrible thing and it can destroy if not dealt with properly.

babyosisi:


Honestly
The latest marriage in my family was by a cousin to a man from adamawa or somewhere there,I guess after the one from my village almost killed that relative,things changed.
There was one relative that brought a man from Tiv,They almost disowned her and bluntly refused and she ran away and came back with belle and his whole family pleading for her hand before they agreed.
Today that man is one of the best inlaws in the family

Herzumpther:
Lol. If you don't kill me with laughter in this forum who will?

Eyah..maybe her destiny is tied to the west.

babyosisi:


I agree with ichidodo ,most fathers are not shy about expressing their feelings man to man with the suitor
If their fear is polygamy they won't have a problem asking the man how many wives his own father has and telling him point bank that he will not tolerate their daughter being in a polygamous marriage and if he has such plans to go find someone else.
If his fear is physical abuse,I wouldn't mind him telling the man he will hunt him and gun him down if he dares lay a finger on you
Shebi baba is a police officer sef
I will like your dad to spell it out to this man so he knows what is required of him by his father in law
You are not a born throway

cococandy:
oh now he becomes honest.
You agree with the mojayo lady that it is her fault. She must be doing something that makes him beat her.

I give up.

"Children from divorced homes take marriage the way their parents do" according to yous.
So how do children from violent backgrounds see marriage as?

A peaceful Union?