Ujujoan:
Madam Osisi, please permit me to chip in here . . . I want to talk about this to address some ladies who may be wondering if they are with the right person.

Growing up, I was the mills and boon reading type. I believed your heart had to stop anytime you thought of your husband to be, for him to be the right person. So I dated guys who made my heart stop . . . And yes, I had wonderful relationships, but i ended up marrying neither of them.

I may not be an expert on marriages because mine is just going on 4 years and is certainly NOT Eldorado. . . but from the little I have seen, marriage is not Mills and Boons . . . Infact, it is quite the opposite.

You have to WORK on your marriage to make it work . . .


When I was ready to get married, I went on my knees and prayed. I prayed because like most young women searching for 'the one', I was very very confused. I needed to know who the right person was . . . . and God led me to my husband.

You need to understand that my husband wasn't even on 'the list' . . . he didn't make my heart stop. I didn't love him 'desperately' . . . he just wasn't my choice. But he was God's choice for me . . and for that singular reason, I married him. He was a friend, someone I had known for a long long time with no romantic interest towards. Of course like most guys who came my way, he asked me out when we met (for quite a long time), but I turned him down and we eventually settled into a comfortable friendship. . .

He didn't get down on his knees to propose. He didn't promise me the world and everything in it . . in fact he proposed in an off-hand manner . . 'why don't we get married'? (. . And I think a part of me resented that). I never got the show-stopping proposal I have always dreamt off.

But you see, all my life I have trusted God to make major decisions for me. . . and I have never been dis-appointed. So when he brought my husband my way, I had no choice. And no I wasn't 'thrilled' about it . . but I trusted God.

I have to admit, there were days in my marriage when I wondered if I have been misled. Days I was so convinced I mis-understood God's plans for me . . . Days I was ready to just up and leave . . . There was no fire, none of all that romance I read about and I just knew I was in the wrong marriage. Even though I married a good man, I wasn't really happy because I didn't get the mills and boons romance I always dreamt of.

Untill, I learnt to accept this man who God has given me for who he truly is. To let go of the 'dream' I longed for all my life. Not concentrate on the negatives, but celebrate the positives. And gradually, things turned around in our marriage. Gradually, those things I longed for started coming with no effort on my part to make them come . . The fire I thought was not there was only been covered up by my unrealistic expectations . . . and when I let things come naturally, it grew from a tiny flicker to a burning flame.

Because beyond the romance, who else would live with me and love me in this way . . . even after seeing me at my very worst? Who else would look beyond my imperfections and love me just the way I am. Who else would stand by me, despite all odds . . and say I love you, even when I am at my worst?

And just like magic, the bitterness is gone. The quarrels, the fights, the anger. And in it's place a love so strong that all I think of is how to make him smile. On Val's day . . for the first time in 4 years, I got on my knees thanked God for this man he sent my way.

Unconditional love, patience, forgiveness . . . . and above all, trust in God is the key to a happy home.

Beautiful

.

Since nobody have asked this,i think I should.
I don't have one anyway but I want us to discuss the issue of mother in law.
I know men find this very uncomfortable cos the topic is always emotional to them.

So ladies,how have u been dealing with an overbearing MIL?
I don't care mother in law(do we hv such really)
Wicked mother in law and a mother in law who out rightly hates u for no reason known to u?

bukatyne:


Dearie,

There are different types of marriages for different people

And not every woman is 'strong enough' to show 'more love' to a cheat

Not every man is interesting in such strong women either

There are some men (and women) who have stayed faithful to their partners for decades... they do not have 2 heads

Rather than encourage men to desecrate their wedding vows, encourage them to either avoid marriage or stay faithful.

Have a great weekend

Cheating isn't something we anticipate in our relationships. We don't pray and wish for that. However, if something like that happens which isn't like its strange or rare. Please do not just abandon your marriage, same applies to guys who realized his wife cheated on him. As long as its not a life threatening situation of him turning you into his punching bag or her standing on the streets for men to pick her up to have sex with her (for guys).

If you leave this one claiming he cheated on me, who will you meet that will be a saint. My dear once you have said "I DO" you have to stay in it oh. Perhaps you didn't take the marriage vow seriously then.

There are so many ways of dealing with a cheating husband, that no one will tell him he will stop lols

Do you think because he is cheating he wont sleep with his wife, its your time to deal with him. Doesn't mean you wont show him love, still nurture him, give him food, pamper him. But that department make him sweat for it. Every woman is sexy, get sexy night ware, lovely sexy cloths, make him jealous... so many more.

Though if he has been winched or they swore for him that its inside woman virginal he will die. Abeg allow him to die there ....... lols. But give him chances before a drastic decision is taken.

P.S. I am not married yet but I plan to take my marriage vows seriously. I don't pray for a cheating husband but its going to be for better for worse. But if he can't control himself and hits me several times. I am not saying the first time I will run "NO". If it gets to an unbearable stage, I will park my bags oh, my life is more important than marriage lolsssss

To guys

Sleeping with different women can bring you BADLUCK
You don't know where you are sticking your thing, be careful and be wise.

bukatyne:


Dearie,

There are different types of marriages for different people

And not every woman is 'strong enough' to show 'more love' to a cheat

Not every man is interesting in such strong women either

There are some men (and women) who have stayed faithful to their partners for decades... they do not have 2 heads

Rather than encourage men to desecrate their wedding vows, encourage them to either avoid marriage or stay faithful.

Have a great weekend

Cheating isn't something we anticipate in our relationships. We don't pray and wish for that. However, if something like that happens which isn't like its strange or rare. Please do not just abandon your marriage, same applies to guys who realized his wife cheated on him. As long as its not a life threatening situation of him turning you into his punching bag or her standing on the streets for men to pick her up to have sex with her (for guys).

If you leave this one claiming he cheated on me, who will you meet that will be a saint. My dear once you have said "I DO" you have to stay in it oh. Perhaps you didn't take the marriage vow seriously then.

There are so many ways of dealing with a cheating husband, that no one will tell him he will stop lols

Do you think because he is cheating he wont sleep with his wife, its your time to deal with him. Doesn't mean you wont show him love, still nurture him, give him food, pamper him. But that department make him sweat for it. Every woman is sexy, get sexy night ware, lovely sexy cloths, make him jealous... so many more.

Though if he has been winched or they swore for him that its inside woman virginal he will die. Abeg allow him to die there ....... lols. But give him chances before a drastic decision is taken.

P.S. I am not married yet but I plan to take my marriage vows seriously. I don't pray for a cheating husband but its going to be for better for worse. But if he can't control himself and hits me several times. I am not saying the first time I will run "NO". If it gets to an unbearable stage, I will park my bags oh, my life is more important than marriage lolsssss.

To guys

Sleeping with different women can bring you BADLUCK
You don't know where you are sticking your thing, be careful and be wise.

*Climbs okro tree and opens coke*
Fire-on ladies

My nebor told me her story.
She was hated b4 she came in for no reason.
The mil(fil dead)made all her children to follow suit.

She has two beautiful children yet she has not shown face. She planted one of the children in he house as a mole. They don't communicate. He has his room. Does his own thing and d lady does hers.
He stayed for a year and left.
Hubby is solidly behind her.
She said she tried a lot and stopped trying to win her over. Her family has been supportive even when hubby lost his job. They were helping financially.
This lady came from a very influential family in yoruba land but she has stooped so low yet,the MIL is bent on making her not to enjoy her marriage. Infact,plenty story.
Let me stop here.

moca:

I disagree a lot with u. Some r more than 80% all good and sweet.
I went into marriage with hundred percent assurance that I will enjoy it and I'm yet to be disappointed. This is what I believed in and I'm working daily to make it constant.
If the two of u know b4 hand what u r walking into, how to deal with issues when they occur maturely,make plan ahead of time if there will be issue of barrenness, work and work schedule etc,why won't u enjoy ur marriage?
All d things happening in my marriage r not strange. We have looked into them prior marriage and still looking into them more as a couple.

D problem is that most times we r not ready yet we say we r ready.

My dear why did you say 80%, I didn't say marriage isn't sweet. Please read my post carefully. You want to tell me you never been through challenges. Anyone that will tell me their marriage is 100% sweet, that person is a profound liar (excuse me) but its the fact.

sweetbaby22:


My dear why did you say 80%, I didn't say marriage isn't sweet. Please read my post carefully. You want to tell me you never been through challenges. Anyone that will tell me their marriage is 100% sweet, that person is a profound liar (excuse me) but its the fact.

What do u classify as challenges?
Did u digest my post at all?
Re-read ur post again.

Lots of people enjoy their marriage. Call it favour,u may be right.
My late mum(an eg) enjoyed her marriage to d fullest. Till her death,she is always singing about her hubby. Said d only quarrel was d day my dad flared up because fish born stuck on my bro throat. It was so bad that even when d old man passed away and suitors started coming,she said none will ever treat her like my pa.
I grew up with that notion that ur marriage can be heaven on earth.
I'm 4 yrs into my marriage and it's waxing stronger.
I'm so used to"gal u r damm too lucky phrase"
Yes,i guess I am highly favoured.
And I pray it continues this way.
I will do my possible best to make sure it continues.
Also I look unto God for help and guidance.

Odillz:
*Climbs okro tree and opens coke*
Fire-on ladies

Lol. Idiat.

henryhemon:
[color=#000099][/color]

You are giving wrong advise to these children,its your personal experience,am not married but I can tell you there are no perfect human or marriages,you were lucky,most won't be lucky like you. There are things you loathe about your present hubby that you won't make public. Give real advise please not fantasies.

Gbam!
That's the clincher
After you do and stay on more than a decade,come back let's talk
There is absolutely nothing in my style that gives a note of perfection,my opening statement summarizes it all
I am as real as they come and has always been,go through my nairaland posts,I am a pretty open person,no holds barred

Herzumpther:
I just did.
Hmmm it is well.
Thank you everybody who has contributed one way or the other in helping me overcome this. God bless you all.

Wish I can update how last night went but I really can't. Thanks all.

Ma'am alutacontinua you eh lol.weda make I call you witch now I nor know. Oya I don't know how to pass my msg jor but I'm smiling. Good morning for me o.

Biko, let's go to the kitchen and talk

analar:
ama kip learning frm you all!

in my little experience! i gv counsel to ppl bt ds gat me disturbed! still on d matter hw to help a lady frnd who is in a serious rtnship in which both family are aware bt recently she z bin twisted in her tots abt her love 4 bf nw whom dy hv bin dating 4 2yrs nw! ..


...@ her place of work, she hz ds colleague whom she report to directly! for mnts nw dy hv grow fond of eachother she understands him& dy talk all tinz openly! a mnt ago! he openly confess his love to her! & saying he has bin keeping it 4 over 5mnts! n wz afraid to tell her cos she may tink he wants to get @ her pants!
bt , he sincere wants her& to build a rtnship into marriage!.....ds he keeps on telling her! 2weeks ago! she went to his place to pick up a impt ditto dy nided to work wit....n according to her! he couldnt ctrl himself...n a kissed&caressed her! wanting a little romance&begging 4 her approval to date!....bt she talkd him out! reminding him dt he z aware she has sum1 she z engaged to!....


...nw...4 d lady! she has sum1 she hz bin dating 4 2yrs old rtnship she wouldnt want to brk his hrt/ d family!....bt
on a 2nd tot she also hv feelings 4 her collegue who she said is nice, taller& a goodkisser compared to her bf. who is @same height wit her
...d only fear she has z her collegue z a sabath &she a Redeemite!....


...my own headache nw....
...her colleague she says knows her bf& well aware dy r dating! bt stil profess his love to her!...

why wud some men just want other ppl cake!...n also, wetin she go do...

...i told her to cut off ties wit d colleagues...bt it kinda affecting their work activities!..
...

...i gv it to d older counsellors o!

You should be respectful enough to write appropriately.sorry couldn't read this.

sweetbaby22:


Not really, No marriage is all sweet. There are good times, bad times, sweet times, in between times. There are challenges all the time good and bad. It takes a lot of patient to manage a marriage. Good times don't last, neither do bad times. You just have to stand the test of time. I tell you even marriage of 50 years break up (very strange) but it happens.

So perseverance is the key. To be able to bear each other and over look a lot of things. A woman that stands with her husband whether he cheated or not is a strong woman and the marriage will last for eternity (e.g David Beckham & Victoria Beckham).

These days divorce have spoilt relationships, what happened to for better for worse, till death do us part. People go into marriage with the mentality that if he just misbehave or cheat I am so divorcing ASAP. Its crazy how divorce is more now, no one wants to stand the test of time. Same applies to men, that just cant stick to one woman. But if they put you in their house as wife, then you are the ultimate. If he cheats he will come back. when he comes home and you aggravate the issue by nagging and not giving him breathing space. Then he goes out for good.

In such situation comfort him, make him feel bad for what he is doing cleverly. Do not call the lady, else you are defeated. Claim your husband by showing him more love than ever and then cleverly bring the issue up, if it get tensed change the topic but don't relent. Bring it up another time until it sinks in, prevent massive quarrels.

Marriage is an institution you can never graduate from, we pray for a blissful one, IJN. AMEN!!!!!

I am here to tell you that you don't need to persevere or endure you can actually enjoy your marriage
It annoys me greatly when I read women like yourself excuse and belittle infidelity and bad behavior
Personally there are two things I will not condone in marriage

1 cheating
2 physical abuse

Those two are non negotiable to me.i will walk especially when someone feels it is their manly duty.
It is not up to the man or society to decide how I handle those.it is entirely up to me and the Bible backs me up 100% whichever way I decide to handle it.
I don't agree with a word you have written here
Get a good education
Make a good living
Love your husband and treat him right,submit to his authority and respect him as the Bishop of your home
But if he decides to be an a$$ he should know that you will not take it
Plain and simple
You teach people how to treat you
If you make yourself a door mat,people will walk all over you

I hope I am not passing the message that marriage is at all costs,I will not be associated with that message

sweetbaby22:


Cheating isn't something we anticipate in our relationships. We don't pray and wish for that. However, if something like that happens which isn't like its strange or rare. Please do not just abandon your marriage, same applies to guys who realized his wife cheated on him. As long as its not a life threatening situation of him turning you into his punching bag or her standing on the streets for men to pick her up to have sex with her (for guys).

If you leave this one claiming he cheated on me, who will you meet that will be a saint. My dear once you have said "I DO" you have to stay in it oh. Perhaps you didn't take the marriage vow seriously then.

There are so many ways of dealing with a cheating husband, that no one will tell him he will stop lols

Do you think because he is cheating he wont sleep with his wife, its your time to deal with him. Doesn't mean you wont show him love, still nurture him, give him food, pamper him. But that department make him sweat for it. Every woman is sexy, get sexy night ware, lovely sexy cloths, make him jealous... so many more.

Though if he has been winched or they swore for him that its inside woman virginal he will die. Abeg allow him to die there ....... lols. But give him chances before a drastic decision is taken.

P.S. I am not married yet but I plan to take my marriage vows seriously. I don't pray for a cheating husband but its going to be for better for worse. But if he can't control himself and hits me several times. I am not saying the first time I will run "NO". If it gets to an unbearable stage, I will park my bags oh, my life is more important than marriage lolsssss

To guys

Sleeping with different women can bring you BADLUCK
You don't know where you are sticking your thing, be careful and be wise.

Once a partner cheats, he/she has broken the martial vow

Everyone has a threshold after which it is over...

Mine is cheating and abuse

All others, can be worked out IMO

alutacontinua:


Biko, let's go to the kitchen and talk

Ujujoan:
Madam Osisi, please permit me to chip in here . . . I want to talk about this to address some ladies who may be wondering if they are with the right person.

Growing up, I was the mills and boon reading type. I believed your heart had to stop anytime you thought of your husband to be, for him to be the right person. So I dated guys who made my heart stop . . . And yes, I had wonderful relationships, but i ended up marrying neither of them.

I may not be an expert on marriages because mine is just going on 4 years and is certainly NOT Eldorado. . . but from the little I have seen, marriage is not Mills and Boons . . . Infact, it is quite the opposite.

You have to WORK on your marriage to make it work . . .


When I was ready to get married, I went on my knees and prayed. I prayed because like most young women searching for 'the one', I was very very confused. I needed to know who the right person was . . . . and God led me to my husband.

You need to understand that my husband wasn't even on 'the list' . . . he didn't make my heart stop. I didn't love him 'desperately' . . . he just wasn't my choice. But he was God's choice for me . . and for that singular reason, I married him. He was a friend, someone I had known for a long long time with no romantic interest towards. Of course like most guys who came my way, he asked me out when we met (for quite a long time), but I turned him down and we eventually settled into a comfortable friendship. . .

He didn't get down on his knees to propose. He didn't promise me the world and everything in it . . in fact he proposed in an off-hand manner . . 'why don't we get married'? (. . And I think a part of me resented that). I never got the show-stopping proposal I have always dreamt off.

But you see, all my life I have trusted God to make major decisions for me. . . and I have never been dis-appointed. So when he brought my husband my way, I had no choice. And no I wasn't 'thrilled' about it . . but I trusted God.

I have to admit, there were days in my marriage when I wondered if I have been misled. Days I was so convinced I mis-understood God's plans for me . . . Days I was ready to just up and leave . . . There was no fire, none of all that romance I read about and I just knew I was in the wrong marriage. Even though I married a good man, I wasn't really happy because I didn't get the mills and boons romance I always dreamt of.

Untill, I learnt to accept this man who God has given me for who he truly is. To let go of the 'dream' I longed for all my life. Not concentrate on the negatives, but celebrate the positives. And gradually, things turned around in our marriage. Gradually, those things I longed for started coming with no effort on my part to make them come . . The fire I thought was not there was only been covered up by my unrealistic expectations . . . and when I let things come naturally, it grew from a tiny flicker to a burning flame.

Because beyond the romance, who else would live with me and love me in this way . . . even after seeing me at my very worst? Who else would look beyond my imperfections and love me just the way I am. Who else would stand by me, despite all odds . . and say I love you, even when I am at my worst?

And just like magic, the bitterness is gone. The quarrels, the fights, the anger. And in it's place a love so strong that all I think of is how to make him smile. On Val's day . . for the first time in 4 years, I got on my knees thanked God for this man he sent my way.

Unconditional love, patience, forgiveness . . . . and above all, trust in God is the key to a happy home.

Thanks for sharing this Uju
I respect your choice even though I admit with all politeness that I don't understand it and I have never advised it
I enjoyed reading you and I am glad things are in the up and up
I have a question which others may also have because this is the second time I am hearing someone say they married someone they were not attracted to, love passionately but did anyway because they were convinced it was God's choice.i always believed God's choice will be accompanied by the other stuff.

My questions are

How did you know he was God's choice?
What did you do to build the love ?

This may help someone in that situation

bukatyne:


Once a partner cheats, he/she has broken the martial vow

Everyone has a threshold after which it is over...

Mine is cheating and abuse

All others, can be worked out IMO

Gbam
Same here

Marriage is a partnership and with all partnerships there is an agreed contract written or implied
He keeps to his end of the bargain,you keep to yours
The same rules guide us all

babyosisi:


Gbam
Same here

Marriage is a partnership and with all partnerships there is an agreed contract written or implied
He keeps to his end of the bargain,you keep to yours
The same rules guide us all

Very true

Herzumpther:
Lol. Idiat.

That makes you a sweetheart to an Idiat
make sure we see 2mao and la shoe.

sweetbaby22:


Cheating isn't something we anticipate in our relationships. We don't pray and wish for that. However, if something like that happens which isn't like its strange or rare. Please do not just abandon your marriage, same applies to guys who realized his wife cheated on him. As long as its not a life threatening situation of him turning you into his punching bag or her standing on the streets for men to pick her up to have sex with her (for guys).

If you leave this one claiming he cheated on me, who will you meet that will be a saint. My dear once you have said "I DO" you have to stay in it oh. Perhaps you didn't take the marriage vow seriously then.

There are so many ways of dealing with a cheating husband, that no one will tell him he will stop lols

Do you think because he is cheating he wont sleep with his wife, its your time to deal with him. Doesn't mean you wont show him love, still nurture him, give him food, pamper him. But that department make him sweat for it. Every woman is sexy, get sexy night ware, lovely sexy cloths, make him jealous... so many more.

Though if he has been winched or they swore for him that its inside woman virginal he will die. Abeg allow him to die there ....... lols. But give him chances before a drastic decision is taken.

P.S. I am not married yet but I plan to take my marriage vows seriously. I don't pray for a cheating husband but its going to be for better for worse. But if he can't control himself and hits me several times. I am not saying the first time I will run "NO". If it gets to an unbearable stage, I will park my bags oh, my life is more important than marriage lolsssss.

To guys

Sleeping with different women can bring you BADLUCK
You don't know where you are sticking your thing, be careful and be wise.

You are not married
After all this lecture
Wonders shall never cease
Here I was about to ask you to educate us on how to overcome cheating and you throw me off balance with that one

Is there anyone here that will go to a butcher in the abattoir to take out his appendix? I sure wouldn't
I don't know what women or men shaped your image of marriage
I don't have your same outlook and wouldn't teach it and there are many ladies who agree
You should have a zero tolerance for certain things and cheating should be one of them
You should demand better than this as standard

moca:
Since nobody have asked this,i think I should.
I don't have one anyway but I want us to discuss the issue of mother in law.
I know men find this very uncomfortable cos the topic is always emotional to them.

So ladies,how have u been dealing with an overbearing MIL?
I don't care mother in law(do we hv such really)
Wicked mother in law and a mother in law who out rightly hates u for no reason known to u?

I will like to answer but I would rather someone asked about specific situations with her mother in law so it'll be more practical and applicable
This is certainly one of the top reasons marriages are miserable or hit the rocks

I'm in a fix kind off

Anty osisi pls I need advice badly am about 2 wed a man I understand very well & am ready 2 deal wit his challenge bt my family r having issues wit him due 2 d fact dat his an introvert & extremely reserved person he find it difficult 2 relate wit people so they think he is nt d type dat wil accept d family or respect dem so am very confused

ladynice:
Anty osisi pls I need advice badly am about 2 wed a man I understand very well & am ready 2 deal wit his challenge bt my family r having issues wit him due 2 d fact dat his an introvert & extremely reserved person he find it difficult 2 relate wit people so they think he is nt d type dat wil accept d family or respect dem so am very confused

If that is the only issue your people have with him,then it's a simple issue.

YOUR GUY NEEDS TO GET OUT OF HIS SHELL.

I'm a bit of an introvert myself and I'm married to a lady who is not even from my tribe.I talk little but when I'm around my in-laws,I know I must gist.I start talking about politics,football e.t.c
Your guy just needs to understand this and take it upon himself to effect the change..

harveyspec:
I'm in a fix kind off
I'm 28, she is 23, she is my first, we are clocking 1yr6months. I have gone to see her father, not to declare my intentions per say but based on invitation, he wanted to know the man dating his daughter. His questions bothered on my job & my family
We haven't had sex but there has been romance. The thing is I'm tired of the relationship.
Am I bored? No
Have I found someone else? No
Do I love her? Yes
Is our communication level good? Yes & no
Why the burnout?
I really poured in my best into the relationship, wanting to know about her, showing care & love in every aspect of her life (academics,finance,siblings, spiritual, physical etc)
Now that I'm tired, some things I had previously ignored, seems a
Big deal to me & also there is this psychological feeling of she is my first, try someone else too
I taught her something about open lines of communication, so when there is an issue we talk about it but it seems she kind of took advantage of it, knowing fully well that I will want to play by such rule. Gradually I began to feel cheated, seeing all the effort I put in & not seeing her's up to a commensurate level.
There was a time I told her I wasn't doing to put in any effort & that it was her time to work, but that yielded no result.
In this 1yr6months, I have called off the relationship on 4 counts, on all counts she cried & pleaded, because I loved her & also the fear of her hurting herself, I find myself rescinding my decision.
What I resolved to do was next occurrence, I won't call it off but withdraw gradually, well it happened again, I withdrew but it was abrupt & we haven't spoken for 2weeks now
She has tried everything & I haven't bulged & don't plan to.
I have resolved that the next relationship, I won't put in 100%, but unleash them in increasing level slowly to prevent this kind of burnout(I'll give myself time before I start the next one, my plan is to make friends:no strings attached)
Herein lies my concern
1. Where do I start from( this was my first relationship, I don't know how to flirt or chase after girls, dont even have them as friends per say)
2. Will I find someone better, folks have been drumming it in my ears that the devil you know.....
3. Hope I ain't making a mistake
Finally, I have my own faults, one being am very principled & whenever there was an issue, she always took the reconciliation step.
Thanks
Cc:babyosisi, cococandy, freecocoa

You said you are clocking yet you have called it quit. I dont see a problem with the girl, it is just that she is still growing and you that should help her also needs growing. I hope you told her your reason for breaking off so that she knows what went wrong. You look like you will take a little time before you are ready for marriage, so its okay to let her grow with somebody else; you might be lucky to find your place vacant after satisfying your curiosity or better still occupied by another man that will die for a young blood. Basically you need the break to be sure of what you want.

Odillz:

That makes you a sweetheart to an Idiat
make sure we see 2mao and la shoe.

No be only la shoe, na la house.

ladynice:
Anty osisi pls I need advice badly am about 2 wed a man I understand very well & am ready 2 deal wit his challenge bt my family r having issues wit him due 2 d fact dat his an introvert & extremely reserved person he find it difficult 2 relate wit people so they think he is nt d type dat wil accept d family or respect dem so am very confused

I wish your family can just back off a little
The choice is yours to make not theirs.Let them tend to their own households and leave you alone.
Your man doesn't need to do a thing,he shouldn't apologize for who he is,that is how his God created him and you love him that way
Some people are quiet and reserved,some are loud and the life of the party
No one person is better than the other and they should learn to accept him that way
Being introverted doesn't mean he wouldn't love his wife's people,why don't they get to know him before judging him
You must make sure to set a boundary with your family members and the time to start that is from the beginning so they know to keep certain opinion to themselves or else this may be a huge problem down the line.

harveyspec:
I'm in a fix kind off

I'm 28, she is 23, she is my first, we are clocking 1yr6months. I have gone to see her father, not to declare my intentions per say but based on invitation, he wanted to know the man dating his daughter. His questions bothered on my job & my family

We haven't had sex but there has been romance. The thing is I'm tired of the relationship.
Am I bored? No
Have I found someone else? No
Do I love her? Yes
Is our communication level good? Yes & no

Why the burnout?
I really poured in my best into the relationship, wanting to know about her, showing care & love in every aspect of her life (academics,finance,siblings, spiritual, physical etc)

Now that I'm tired, some things I had previously ignored, seems a
Big deal to me & also there is this psychological feeling of she is my first, try someone else too


I taught her something about open lines of communication, so when there is an issue we talk about it but it seems she kind of took advantage of it, knowing fully well that I will want to play by such rule. Gradually I began to feel cheated, seeing all the effort I put in & not seeing her's up to a commensurate level.

There was a time I told her I wasn't doing to put in any effort & that it was her time to work, but that yielded no result.

In this 1yr6months, I have called off the relationship on 4 counts, on all counts she cried & pleaded, because I loved her & also the fear of her hurting herself, I find myself rescinding my decision.

What I resolved to do was next occurrence, I won't call it off but withdraw gradually, well it happened again, I withdrew but it was abrupt & we haven't spoken for 2weeks now

She has tried everything & I haven't bulged & don't plan to.

I have resolved that the next relationship, I won't put in 100%, but unleash them in increasing level slowly to prevent this kind of burnout(I'll give myself time before I start the next one, my plan is to make friends:no strings attached)

Herein lies my concern

1. Where do I start from( this was my first relationship, I don't know how to flirt or chase after girls, dont even have them as friends per say)

2. Will I find someone better, folks have been drumming it in my ears that the devil you know.....

3. Hope I ain't making a mistake

Finally, I have my own faults, one being am very principled & whenever there was an issue, she always took the reconciliation step.

Thanks

Cc:babyosisi, cococandy, freecocoa

Looks like you are not meant for each other.
I wish it were the girl writing this ,I would have asked her to move on and someone who loves her truly will come along.
How can a boy break up 4 times with a girl and she begs to be taken back
Why do girls cheapen themselves in this manner
Please tell her plainly that it's over,stop sleeping with her and messing with her head if you really care about her well being

Adanne babyosisi thank you so much for this wonderful thread, it has educated me so much concerning marriage.

Honestly I now know that if I had ventured into marriage b4 now, I would have made a mess of it because I was never prepared for it. I am in my mid 30's, came accross a lot of ladies in the past 2 years, but none realy gave me the inner convictn or peace. I wasnt even praying seriously then, adding to that my mum was calling me every week to drum on concerning wife. Honestly that was when I knew I had to pray seriously to God to find my wife, as I did sometime last year, I met a young woman in her mid 20's, gotten her masters, working, very homely, sows and designs her own clothes, bakes and designs quality cakes, deeply spiritual, naturally beauty, infact she is an embodiment of virtous woman in Proverbs 30. I did not waste time oh, I made my move immediately, she no gree oh that last year, but I was led not to give up, I persisted, was real to her, she saw me for whom I am when she gave me the chance, our wedding is coming up soon.
I have now come to realy understand what marriage is, that you have to die to self and the flesh to succede. God had previously dealt with me concerning sex, cos I was chasing skirts like most guys but I ve learnt abstinence, infact by Gods grace adultery has been programmed in my mind as a no no, this my body only belongs to my wife, no other woman, though it isnt easy because am still flesh, but with God it is well.
That is why threads like this is good, it teaches a lot because many people get into marriage not prepared, that is why many marriages are breaking up. A childhood friend of mine, got married last dec in the east, he has a very rich dad. I cldnt make it to his wedding so I visited him at home, I was like wow when his wife came to greet me, I gave her 98% on the scale of beauty, she was like one of those super models. 3 days later I was hanging out with friends, I discovered that my friend that just did his wedding 3 days before who was supposed to be enjoying honeymoon with his gorgeous wife, lodged another woman in a different hotel. I was so angry, sad and disgusted when I got to know of this, it then dawned on me that a lot of people just marry to fulfil all righteousness, they dont take it serious and end up making their partners life with sorrow and misery.

babyosisi:


Thanks for sharing this Uju
I respect your choice even though I admit with all politeness that I don't understand it and I have never advised it
I enjoyed reading you and I am glad things are in the up and up
I have a question which others may also have because this is the second time I am hearing someone say they married someone they were not attracted to, love passionately but did anyway because they were convinced it was God's choice.i always believed God's choice will be accompanied by the other stuff.

My questions are

How did you know he was God's choice?
What did you do to build the love ?

This may help someone in that situation

I am more than glad to share/answer my sister.

Unlike most people, i never visted or asked a pastor or priest for his opinion. I did what i always did whenever i find myself in a fix. I prayed and fasted . . . Went to the blessed sacramnet and left my intentions . . I prayed for direction and believe it or not, the day my prayers ended, my husband walked into my office d next morning and asked me out on a date. Immidiately he walked into the door, even before he opened his mouth, i knew what he wanted to say . . . . And i had that conviction in my mind that he was the one.

I also got firmer confirmations along the line, most of which i wont want to get into here for obvious reasons. But pf course when you have a relationship with your God you learn how to follow when he leads. And i had mastered that over the years.

How did i fall in love with him? In d beginning i dont know if i would call it love. Remember i knew him for a while and we were already friends. The companionship was easy, the rapport had always been there. He told me later that he always knew i would end up his wife, but he didnt want to push because he knew i would come around eventually. All those years he loved me from a distance, but i never knew.

The passion was the tricky part. Sex is easy, but i am sure you know they are two different things. But i loved that he was a decent person, a good man and a true Christian. . . But when the challenges of life and marriage started coming, i realized it wasnt enough. At the back of my mind i always felt i could have done better. I took his love for granted and ALWAYS expected more. The story book romance was just not thee so nothing he did was good enough. Those days i doubted my décision and wondered if i was wrong. I was looking for something, and i wasnt getting it and i forgot to celebrate what i had. . . A doting father, a responsible husband and a very very loyal friend. . . I mean how many men would look their mother in the face and tell them off because she upset their wife

Then i fell ill . . .

I was so scared i would die and never see him again. I couldnt imagine a world without him. The things we fought about just didnt make sense anymore. When i lie in my hospital bed, i would pray for just one more day to make up for my mistakes of the past and show him how much i loved him. To see his face once more ajd watch him sing a lulabby to our girl.

That was when i realized that somewhere in between the quarells, arguments and resentments i had fallen hopelessly in love with him. Not even sure when or how it happened but that is God. He makes everything perfect in his time. He is never wrong.

WHen i got better, i made a decision to work on my marriage. To appreciate the man i married and accept all of him, even the things i hated. And gradually, we formed this bond. We are fighting this min and kissing d next . . . I disagree with him and yet accept his decision and support him. My husband is not into grand romantic gestures, but i know without a doubt that he loves me. Its in the way he protects me, the way he supports me and accepts me and my all . . . He may not sing me songs an de write me love notes like i dreamt of growing up, but its in his eyes every time i look, and i have come to recognize it.

How can i not love him back and do my all to make him happy

Pls forgive my epistle. . . . But you asked. Lol!