harveyspec:
I'm in a fix kind off

I'm 28, she is 23, she is my first, we are clocking 1yr6months. I have gone to see her father, not to declare my intentions per say but based on invitation, he wanted to know the man dating his daughter. His questions bothered on my job & my family

We haven't had sex but there has been romance. The thing is I'm tired of the relationship.
Am I bored? No
Have I found someone else? No
Do I love her? Yes
Is our communication level good? Yes & no

Why the burnout?
I really poured in my best into the relationship, wanting to know about her, showing care & love in every aspect of her life (academics,finance,siblings, spiritual, physical etc)

Now that I'm tired, some things I had previously ignored, seems a
Big deal to me & also there is this psychological feeling of she is my first, try someone else too


I taught her something about open lines of communication, so when there is an issue we talk about it but it seems she kind of took advantage of it, knowing fully well that I will want to play by such rule. Gradually I began to feel cheated, seeing all the effort I put in & not seeing her's up to a commensurate level.

There was a time I told her I wasn't doing to put in any effort & that it was her time to work, but that yielded no result.

In this 1yr6months, I have called off the relationship on 4 counts, on all counts she cried & pleaded, because I loved her & also the fear of her hurting herself, I find myself rescinding my decision.

What I resolved to do was next occurrence, I won't call it off but withdraw gradually, well it happened again, I withdrew but it was abrupt & we haven't spoken for 2weeks now

She has tried everything & I haven't bulged & don't plan to.

I have resolved that the next relationship, I won't put in 100%, but unleash them in increasing level slowly to prevent this kind of burnout(I'll give myself time before I start the next one, my plan is to make friends:no strings attached)

Herein lies my concern

1. Where do I start from( this was my first relationship, I don't know how to flirt or chase after girls, dont even have them as friends per say)

2. Will I find someone better, folks have been drumming it in my ears that the devil you know.....

3. Hope I ain't making a mistake

Finally, I have my own faults, one being am very principled & whenever there was an issue, she always took the reconciliation step.

Thanks

Cc:babyosisi, cococandy, freecocoa

Seun or his mods banned me for what I don't even know, anyways.

From your story, I get you are fed up with the relationship and that has something to do with you being the one doing all the work in the relationship, well, once you are fed up, nothing can be done about it, so I suggest you just let her go, still, it would be honorable if you let her know you are breaking up with her and why so.

1.There's nothing to it, ladies are scattered all over the place, you can start up a chat with any one you fancy and see where things lead, church, Cinema, Mall, Eateries, etc, these are some of the places you meet people,it's not hard, you just have to be confident, engaging and polite.

2. I don't know what you mean by "someone better" but no matter how 'complete' you think a person is, there's always someone more 'complete', that still doesn't change the fact that we are all unique and awesome in our own special way.

3.Search your heart to find what you look for, I believe you have thought this through, so only you know what you really want, if you were still interested in the relationship, it would have been a different ball game, but you are fed up, that alone has settled the matter, you can't force it and you shouldn't, because she'll be at the receiving end, you don't keep breaking up with someone you want.

Goodluck.

.

.

analar:
ama kip learning frm you all!

in my little experience! i gv counsel to ppl bt ds gat me disturbed! still on d matter hw to help a lady frnd who is in a serious rtnship in which both family are aware bt recently she z bin twisted in her tots abt her love 4 bf nw whom dy hv bin dating 4 2yrs nw! ..


...@ her place of work, she hz ds colleague whom she report to directly! for mnts nw dy hv grow fond of eachother she understands him& dy talk all tinz openly! a mnt ago! he openly confess his love to her! & saying he has bin keeping it 4 over 5mnts! n wz afraid to tell her cos she may tink he wants to get @ her pants!
bt , he sincere wants her& to build a rtnship into marriage!.....ds he keeps on telling her! 2weeks ago! she went to his place to pick up a impt ditto dy nided to work wit....n according to her! he couldnt ctrl himself...n a kissed&caressed her! wanting a little romance&begging 4 her approval to date!....bt she talkd him out! reminding him dt he z aware she has sum1 she z engaged to!....


...nw...4 d lady! she has sum1 she hz bin dating 4 2yrs old rtnship she wouldnt want to brk his hrt/ d family!....bt
on a 2nd tot she also hv feelings 4 her collegue who she said is nice, taller& a goodkisser compared to her bf. who is @same height wit her
...d only fear she has z her collegue z a sabath &she a Redeemite!....


...my own headache nw....
...her colleague she says knows her bf& well aware dy r dating! bt stil profess his love to her!...

why wud some men just want other ppl cake!...n also, wetin she go do...

...i told her to cut off ties wit d colleagues...bt it kinda affecting their work activities!..
...

...i gv it to d older counsellors o!

I had scrolled down from this but I just couldn't
Your friend is not ready for marriage!
Jeez! She's engagaed and still kissing another man?
And she dey even compare the kiss sef
She's a terrible person, a cheat!
She'll do her fiance a lot of good if she leaves him alone and let him search for a faithful woman.
So, what happens when she meets another co-worker with much better attributes that this one? Start the process all over?

Ladies, there's always a 'better guy' out there but wheb you choose one, he gotta become your best-consciously, unconsciously and sub-consciously

djon78:
Adanne babyosisi thank you so much for this wonderful thread, it has educated me so much concerning marriage.

Honestly I now know that if I had ventured into marriage b4 now, I would have made a mess of it because I was never prepared for it. I am in my mid 30's, came accross a lot of ladies in the past 2 years, but none realy gave me the inner convictn or peace. I wasnt even praying seriously then, adding to that my mum was calling me every week to drum on concerning wife. Honestly that was when I knew I had to pray seriously to God to find my wife, as I did sometime last year, I met a young woman in her mid 20's, gotten her masters, working, very homely, sows and designs her own clothes, bakes and designs quality cakes, deeply spiritual, naturally beauty, infact she is an embodiment of virtous woman in Proverbs 30. I did not waste time oh, I made my move immediately, she no gree oh that last year, but I was led not to give up, I persisted, was real to her, she saw me for whom I am when she gave me the chance, our wedding is coming up soon.
I have now come to realy understand what marriage is, that you have to die to self and the flesh to succede. God had previously dealt with me concerning sex, cos I was chasing skirts like most guys but I ve learnt abstinence, infact by Gods grace adultery has been programmed in my mind as a no no, this my body only belongs to my wife, no other woman, though it isnt easy because am still flesh, but with God it is well.
That is why threads like this is good, it teaches a lot because many people get into marriage not prepared, that is why many marriages are breaking up. A childhood friend of mine, got married last dec in the east, he has a very rich dad. I cldnt make it to his wedding so I visited him at home, I was like wow when his wife came to greet me, I gave her 98% on the scale of beauty, she was like one of those super models. 3 days later I was hanging out with friends, I discovered that my friend that just did his wedding 3 days before who was supposed to be enjoying honeymoon with his gorgeous wife, lodged another woman in a different hotel. I was so angry, sad and disgusted when I got to know of this, it then dawned on me that a lot of people just marry to fulfil all righteousness, they dont take it serious and end up making their partners life with sorrow and misery.

I am glad to read this from you and I wish you well in your upcoming wedding and marriage.
Go with this mindset to love and cherish her and your marriage will flourish
Sad that these men that play around think nobody gets hurt.They may not regard the wife and sleep around on her consoling themselves that they are just bring men,they don't know that they are inadvertently raising a generation of damaged kids that will model what he taught them.
How do they think children who are watching them will turn out?
Their sons will end up just like them,without care,unloving and no emotions and treat his own family the same way he saw his father treat his mother and the girls will end up as doormats like their mothers,sitting around and taking nonsense and crying for a man to come home.
The consequences are far reaching and I cannot imagine how anyone could so this to their own children.
Many people are wary of their kids marrying people from broken homes for this same reason
They fear the products will have no concept of what marriage is,forgetting that products of abusive homes where the woman left ,are perhaps worse.

That friend of yours if he continues this way,will one day start telling you his wife is a witch and a B ,a nag that makes the house unbearable and tell that story to everyone who cares to listen but he won't say how it all started.He won't tell you the role he played in making his house a mad house.

I am telling you this with all sincerity,there is no woman out there that comes to her marital home to raise hell
We come in with these fantasies of love and happily ever after
Many of the women that turn crazy were pushed to the wall and reacted after months and years of abuse
You read all these stories of women being cheated on and beaten some endure it and some seek revenge as soon as the man is down on his luck and the tables turn,then everyone turns around to call her names.

Just to add . . . .

Sometimes we expect God to bless us based on our own expectations, it may not always be that way. But God always gives us what we need at every point in our lives. God's choices always have what is best for us, but it may not necessarily be in the package we will recognize. Untill you open it up and look inside, you may not see it as the answers to the prayers you offered because it wasnt packaged in the way you expected.

A lot of us have lost a lot of blessings in this way.

Looking back now, i see why God chose him for me. We are alike in soooo many ways . . . . Something i would never have seen if God hadnt led me to him because i would never have given us a chance otherwise. I never believed in destiny, but i know now that from the day we were created, we were both destined to be man and wife. This is becoming obvious each passing day.

This your story gets sweeter

Floodgater:
You said you are clocking yet you have called it quit. I dont see a problem with the girl, it is just that she is still growing and you that should help her also needs growing. I hope you told her your reason for breaking off so that she knows what went wrong. You look like you will take a little time before you are ready for marriage, so its okay to let her grow with somebody else; you might be lucky to find your place vacant after satisfying your curiosity or better still occupied by another man that will die for a young blood. Basically you need the break to be sure of what you want.

Pls why do you think, it might take awhile before I get married?

babyosisi:



Looks like you are not meant for each other.
I wish it were the girl writing this ,I would have asked her to move on and someone who loves her truly will come along.
How can a boy break up 4 times with a girl and she begs to be taken back
Why do girls cheapen themselves in this manner
Please tell her plainly that it's over,stop sleeping with her and messing with her head if you really care about her well being

I clearly stated it that there hasn't been sex, though there is romance

I haven't slept with her, neither am I messing with her head

You said I should tell her plainly, on those four counts I did so, she cried & pleaded, the part that scares me is when she implicitly states that she will hurt herself.

That's why I said no more plainly this time.

You didn't seem to address my concerns or my burnout, it feels as though you are taking sides


This is not a case of "I have found someone else or she isn't good enough"

It's a case of I'm tired.

Ujujoan please answer my question from your previous post,I really want to understand how God's will for someone in terms of marriage can be someone who is not their type and someone they have to grow to love.
I am still battling with that concept.

harveyspec:


I clearly stated it that there hasn't been sex, though there is romance

I haven't slept with her, neither am I messing with her head

You said I should tell her plainly, on those four counts I did so, she cried & pleaded, the part that scares me is when she implicitly states that she will hurt herself.

That's why I said no more plainly this time.

You didn't seem to address my concerns or my burnout, it feels as though you are taking sides


This is not a case of "I have found someone else or she isn't good enough"

It's a case of I'm tired.

She will kill herself,I didn't see that part
Sorry I mixed things up,I thought you guys were each other's first,pardon me
The girl seems to have a mental problem no wonder you are burnt out,I would be too.
Love is not by force especially now that there is no lasting tie
I will keep away from a girl that threatens to hurt herself,she may hurt you too if she perceives she is about to lose you
That's not love,it's called obsession

Ujujoan:
Just to add . . . .

Sometimes we expect God to bless us based on our own expectations, it may not always be that way. But God always gives us what we need at every point in our lives. God's choices always have what is best for us, but it may not necessarily be in the package we will recognize. Untill you open it up and look inside, you may not see it as the answers to the prayers you offered because it wasnt packaged in the way you expected.

A lot of us have lost a lot of blessings in this way.

Looking back now, i see why God chose him for me. We are alike in soooo many ways . . . . Something i would never have seen if God hadnt led me to him because i would never have given us a chance otherwise. I never believed in destiny, but i know now that from the day we were created, we were both destined to be man and wife. This is becoming obvious each passing day.

My dear what you said is true, God gives us the best that fitly suits us. He told Jeremiah before I formed you I knew you, he knows us and know the best that suits us. In my personal walk with God, I have come to know Him as better than my best friend/buddy, He knows my failings and still loves me. The best thing that will happen to anybody is not to know this Gnd, I have tasted Him and I can say that He is so good, our understanding as human is very finite and limited but God is infinite and unlimited, I have seen Him create wonders from a very hopeless situation.

Mrcapability7:
This is the most counter thread i ever followed, i kept following like a lamb who realised he lost his way and full of mature human beings.. Though am stil immature cos i am approaching my early twenties this june but i can quite understand because this thread has made me my identity as a man.. I know this thread isn't for relationship tips but it some how connected.. I have girlish problem i couldn't approach and woo girls like those normal guys does,am not gifted with confidence and words like them i.e sugarmouth .. I find it very difficult or ashame because i expected the answer to be capital NO. The weirdest part of it was that i'll suddenly lost my sense of reasoning in their presence.. There are so many.. I need just your advice on those i mention..

There is no other way but just be nice and say hello
You shouldn't be afraid to get a no
It's all part of it
At this young age try hanging out as a group
It's a good way to familiarize oneself with the female folk without pressure
That's what I will advise young people to do

babyosisi:
Ujujoan please answer my question from your previous post,I really want to understand how God's will for someone in terms of marriage can be someone who is not their type and someone they have to grow to love.
I am still battling with that concept.

I only shared my own experience incase someone else is battling with God's decision for h/her. Its not a 'concept' or even a standard. Just my own personal experience and opinion.

What is important is to follow where he leads, irrespective of what we want for ourselves. As humans, we could be wrong, but God is never wrong.

Ujujoan:


I only shared my own experience incase someone else is battling with God's decision for h/her. Its not a 'concept' or even a standard. Just my own personal experience and opinion.

What is important is to follow where he leads, irrespective of what we want for ourselves. As humans, we could be wrong, but God is never wrong.

I asked how you knew he was the will of God for you even though you didn't feel overtly attracted to him
I understand the scriptures to say that God will give us the desires of our heart,so you see why I am trying to understand this and asking if you could kindly explain it to me.

babyosisi:


I asked how you knew he was the will of God for you even though you didn't feel overtly attracted to him

I thought i already answered that

Ujujoan:

I thought i already answered that

Could you copy and paste it,I didn't see it

I saw this

When I was ready to get married, I went on my knees and prayed. I prayed because like most young women searching for 'the one', I was very very confused. I needed to know who the right person was . . . . and God led me to my husband.

You need to understand that my husband wasn't even on 'the list' . . . he didn't make my heart stop. I didn't love him 'desperately' . . . he just wasn't my choice. But he was God's choice for me . . and for that singular reason, I married him. He was a friend, someone I had known for a long long time with no romantic interest towards. Of course like most guys who came my way, he asked me out when we met (for quite a long time), but I turned him down and we eventually settled into a comfortable friendship. . .

How did you know he was God's choice,that piece is not clear
In what way did you find this out?

[quote author=babyosisi post=30924679]

I wish your family can just back off a little
The choice is yours to make not theirs.Let them tend to their own households and leave you alone.
Your man doesn't need to do a thing,he shouldn't apologize for who he is,that is how his God created him and you love him that way
Some people are quiet and reserved,some are loud and the life of the party
No one person is better than the other and they should learn to accept him that way
Being introverted doesn't mean he wouldn't love his wife's people,why don't they get to know him before judging him
You must make sure to set a boundary with your family members and the time to start that is from the beginning so they know to keep certain opinion to themselves or else this may be a huge problem down the line.[/quote

Hmmmmmm thank u dat wat am trying 2 let dem knw Infact wen he came 2 see my mom in d village d first tin she noticed was dat he was slow & hardly talks & dat was d First tym she was seeing him & I did nt tell dat was how he was bt my dad & sisters r nt understanding him at al initially my dad was nt ok wit d issue course we r nt of d same church bt every other person kicked against his reason so Dats y am even frustrated d more our traditional wedding by God 's grace wil take place ending july dat our own prayer so pls u people should join me in prayers

babyosisi:

Could you copy and paste it,I didn't see it
I saw this
How did you know he was God's choice,that piece is not clear
In what way did you find this out?

I prayed for direction and believe it or not, the day my prayers ended, my husband walked into my office d next morning and asked me out on a date. Immidiately he walked into the door, even before he opened his mouth, i knew what he wanted to say . . . . And i had that conviction in my mind that he was the one.

I also got firmer confirmations along the line, most of which i wont want to get into here for obvious reasons.

thorpido:
If that is the only issue your people have with him,then it's a simple issue.

YOUR GUY NEEDS TO GET OUT OF HIS SHELL.

I'm a bit of an introvert myself and I'm married to a lady who is not even from my tribe.I talk little but when I'm around my in-laws,I know I must gist.I start talking about politics,football e.t.c
Your guy just needs to understand this and take it upon himself to effect the change..

thanks they think since he is nt calling dem he is nt caring though on his part I been talking 2 him 2 try & cal he has started he is calling My dad more frequent now may God help me

Ujujoan:

I prayed for direction and believe it or not, the day my prayers ended, my husband walked into my office d next morning and asked me out on a date. Immidiately he walked into the door, even before he opened his mouth, i knew what he wanted to say . . . . And i had that conviction in my mind that he was the one.

I also got firmer confirmations along the line, most of which i wont want to get into here for obvious reasons.

OK
I was asking because I shared a story of my friend earlier on this thread
She is the only person i know in real life who says she never loved her husband before marriage ,would have never picked him for a spouse and is not attracted to him and they have been married many years and she still feels the exact same way
Similar scenario somewhat
She was 29,wanted to marry before 30, prayed hard and this man came and asked her hand
He was not her type,she hated his hometown ,would have never picked him but said yes because she felt it was God's choice

If you are now growing in love,that is great that is the will of God

My friend isn't sadly,,he is a nice man but just not her type and she is married now many years and has accepted this to be her lot and just managing the situation.
They have children o and she says most of the time she just grits her teeth when they are doing it!that's how resentful she is of him
This is a girl that dated well well on campus and rocked life to the max

Good evening all. I have been following this thread since inception but have not been able to comment. I created a new moniker for this purpose. There's an issue I'd like to table before the house and see what advice I would get.
I'm a final year student in one of the universities and have been in a relationship for about three years. My boyfriend has graduated and is currently serving.
Truth be told, I have always thought that I am in a perfect relationship until I spoke with a friend about what has been going on.
I love my bf to the point that I have made sacrifices for the relationship to go on. He disvirgined me. Whenever we have issues I am always the person that apologizes. He made me change my religious denomination.
Sex with him has been far from pleasurable. I do my best to satisfy him but he hardly cares if I enjoy the act. He craves a bj and I oblige him. He only started getting down on me recently. pre-intimacy is hard task for him and when he gets into me, he climaxes within a few minutes leaving me unsatisfied. I have tried to talk to him about it but he accused me of sleeping with other men. Once, he told me I was acting like a prostitute because I was tipsy due to some alcohol I took.
Early this year, he told all the numbers of guys I have on my phone.
I don't make financial demands on him but he hardly gives me anything. He told me to be content wwith what my mum gives me. He scolded me for making a hairstyle that he considered to be expensive (on top my own money o). I bail him out whenever he is in a fix.
He interrogates me about my whereabouts, who I am with and what I am doing everytime he calls.
I have never really caught him with another girl but I recently saw evidence that he was sexting with a girl. I didn't confront him about it.
I have not discussed my bf with anyone until my friend started asking me about him.
I decided to share this with a larger group so that I can get advice on what to do.
Thank you.

Cc: babyosisi, cococandy

Preprof:
Good evening all. I have been following this thread since inception but have not been able to comment. I created a new moniker for this purpose. There's an issue I'd like to table before the house and see what advice I would get.
I'm a final year student in one of the universities and have been in a relationship for about three years. My boyfriend has graduated and is currently serving.
Truth be told, I have always thought that I am in a perfect relationship until I spoke with a friend about what has been going on.
I love my bf to the point that I have made sacrifices for the relationship to go on. He disvirgined me. Whenever we have issues I am always the person that apologizes. He made me change my religious denomination.
Sex with him has been far from pleasurable. I do my best to satisfy him but he hardly cares if I enjoy the act. He craves a bj and I oblige him. He only started getting down on me recently. pre-intimacy is hard task for him and when he gets into me, he climaxes within a few minutes leaving me unsatisfied. I have tried to talk to him about it but he accused me of sleeping with other men. Once, he told me I was acting like a prostitute because I was tipsy due to some alcohol I took.
Early this year, he told all the numbers of guys I have on my phone.
I don't make financial demands on him but he hardly gives me anything. He told me to be content wwith what my mum gives me. He scolded me for making a hairstyle that he considered to be expensive (on top my own money o). I bail him out whenever he is in a fix.
He interrogates me about my whereabouts, who I am with and what I am doing everytime he calls.
I have never really caught him with another girl but I recently saw evidence that he was sexting with a girl. I didn't confront him about it.
I have not discussed my bf with anyone until my friend started asking me about him.
I decided to share this with a larger group so that I can get advice on what to do.
Thank you.

Cc: babyosisi, cococandy

My focus is mainly on wives,engaged,relationships leading to marriage and the like
Maybe this would be better in the romance section please don't be offended
Maybe someone else can answer ,I will pass

Preprof:
Good evening all. I have been following this thread since inception but have not been able to comment. I created a new moniker for this purpose. There's an issue I'd like to table before the house and see what advice I would get.
I'm a final year student in one of the universities and have been in a relationship for about three years. My boyfriend has graduated and is currently serving.
Truth be told, I have always thought that I am in a perfect relationship until I spoke with a friend about what has been going on.
I love my bf to the point that I have made sacrifices for the relationship to go on. He disvirgined me. Whenever we have issues I am always the person that apologizes. He made me change my religious denomination.
Sex with him has been far from pleasurable. I do my best to satisfy him but he hardly cares if I enjoy the act. He craves a bj and I oblige him. He only started getting down on me recently. pre-intimacy is hard task for him and when he gets into me, he climaxes within a few minutes leaving me unsatisfied. I have tried to talk to him about it but he accused me of sleeping with other men. Once, he told me I was acting like a prostitute because I was tipsy due to some alcohol I took.
Early this year, he told all the numbers of guys I have on my phone.
I don't make financial demands on him but he hardly gives me anything. He told me to be content wwith what my mum gives me. He scolded me for making a hairstyle that he considered to be expensive (on top my own money o). I bail him out whenever he is in a fix.
He interrogates me about my whereabouts, who I am with and what I am doing everytime he calls.
I have never really caught him with another girl but I recently saw evidence that he was sexting with a girl. I didn't confront him about it.
I have not discussed my bf with anyone until my friend started asking me about him.
I decided to share this with a larger group so that I can get advice on what to do.
Thank you.

Cc: babyosisi, cococandy

Your friend is right. It is far from a perfect relationship. In fact, you are in an abusive relationship and it is quite likely to get worse with time. I suggest finding a way to get over the guilt of being disvirgined by your bf and exit this relationship.

harveyspec:


I clearly stated it that there hasn't been sex, though there is romance

I haven't slept with her, neither am I messing with her head

You said I should tell her plainly, on those four counts I did so, she cried & pleaded, the part that scares me is when she implicitly states that she will hurt herself.

That's why I said no more plainly this time.

You didn't seem to address my concerns or my burnout, it feels as though you are taking sides


This is not a case of "I have found someone else or she isn't good enough"

It's a case of I'm tired.

You should end this relationship for good. You are only with her out of pity and it would probably be a disaster to end up marrying her if things remain this way. Pity will turn into resentment once the reality of being trapped in marriage sets in.

babyosisi:


OK
I was asking because I shared a story of my friend earlier on this thread
She is the only person i know in real life who says she never loved her husband before marriage ,would have never picked him for a spouse and is not attracted to him and they have been married many years and she still feels the exact same way
Similar scenario somewhat
She was 29,wanted to marry before 30, prayed hard and this man came and asked her hand
He was not her type,she hated his hometown ,would have never picked him but said yes because she felt it was God's choice

If you are now growing in love,that is great

My friend isn't ,he is a nice man but just not her type and she is married now many years and has accepted this to be her lot
They have children o and she says most of the time she just grits her teeth when they are doing it
This is a girl that dated well well on campus and rocked life to the max

Well I have been married for 4 years now with 2 kids and am not even 30 so no i was not desperate.

Like i said, i had a lot of suitors but my husband wasnt one of the people i considered. If i had not married him, i would have married my first choice back then. But it would never have worked out . . . I see that now.

I dont know why your friend's marriage did not work out, but i think she needs to take a second look at herself. Even when God brings a spouse your way, you still have to work to bring peace and love into your home. It is not automatic, nothing is.

Life is too long to waste with the wrong person.

My love story

Love is a beautiful thing and I married a man I love with all my heart
In my younger days,I never dated a man I couldn't marry
Any man I went out with had to fit the potential slot of a husband and they had to be like my dad in some ways because I admire my dad a lot and think he is the greatest.
I am a passionate person,I am either fully in or not in at all
First time I met my husband I knew he was the one,that's why I believe in love at first sight too,it happened to me
When he asked me out,I actually declined,three times perhaps more, because I was battling in my mind about my fiancé I didn't want to continue with
Was this the will of God?
I hardly knew him
Was he just coming to play?
I already loved him secretly in my heart so I decided to give it a shot when he asked a third time
I visited him and we talked like we had known each other for years,no touching or groping,he totally respected me,he cooked beans porridge and served me beans porridge and coke,I hate beans but I ate it out of politeness
We talked and laughed some more,he was fun to hang out with
Then the heavens opened up and it rained and poured and wouldn't stop,then night came and the rains persisted
So I couldn't leave
And had to sleep over

To be continued

babyosisi:


My focus is mainly on wives,engaged,relationships leading to marriage and the like
Maybe this would be better in the romance section please don't be offended
Maybe someone else can answer ,I will pass

As it stands our families are aware of our relationship and we are working towards getting married. That is why I changed my church.

harveyspec:


Pls why do you think, it might take awhile before I get married?

When i said a while, i meant prolly not this year, i said so cos you dont sound like a man that wants to marry just now and atleast you didnt state so. Regarding your concern, as much as you have been staying not to hurt her, you have also been staying because you dont want the stress of starting all over, both of which are no ok reasons to stay. A mature man ready to marry that girl would look for ways of helping her grow like buying her relationship books to learn from, guiding, correcting, accomodating and not easily getting tired because she is not putting equal effort. Now i know it is not easy a task to ask of you but the thing is she does not know how or better yet and again her flaw can be worked upon. You think she is not returning your effort because she is selfish or doesnt care? At this point i choose to be soft on you by saying take the break for you both need it but give yourself time to learn more on relationship and to know or be sure you want to give your all to this relationship or move on forever before resuming any relationship again.

Preprof:
Good evening all. I have been following this thread since inception but have not been able to comment. I created a new moniker for this purpose. There's an issue I'd like to table before the house and see what advice I would get.
I'm a final year student in one of the universities and have been in a relationship for about three years. My boyfriend has graduated and is currently serving.
Truth be told, I have always thought that I am in a perfect relationship until I spoke with a friend about what has been going on.
I love my bf to the point that I have made sacrifices for the relationship to go on. He disvirgined me. Whenever we have issues I am always the person that apologizes. He made me change my religious denomination.
Sex with him has been far from pleasurable. I do my best to satisfy him but he hardly cares if I enjoy the act. He craves a bj and I oblige him. He only started getting down on me recently. pre-intimacy is hard task for him and when he gets into me, he climaxes within a few minutes leaving me unsatisfied. I have tried to talk to him about it but he accused me of sleeping with other men. Once, he told me I was acting like a prostitute because I was tipsy due to some alcohol I took.
Early this year, he told all the numbers of guys I have on my phone.
I don't make financial demands on him but he hardly gives me anything. He told me to be content wwith what my mum gives me. He scolded me for making a hairstyle that he considered to be expensive (on top my own money o). I bail him out whenever he is in a fix.
He interrogates me about my whereabouts, who I am with and what I am doing everytime he calls.
I have never really caught him with another girl but I recently saw evidence that he was sexting with a girl. I didn't confront him about it.
I have not discussed my bf with anyone until my friend started asking me about him.
I decided to share this with a larger group so that I can get advice on what to do.
Thank you.

Cc: babyosisi, cococandy

You know I typed a response to you, read your story again and asked myself if I should really respond to your type of relationship, erased my comment and was about to move on when I saw babyosisi's response and I had to came back.

My response: it is not rocket science that you should exit this toxic relationship immediately. From everything you have typed above, I can't find any positive comment about him or the relationship itself, so what exactly are you waiting for? Could it be because he disvirgined you? My dear it doesn't matter, pls find yourself a better man.

You also need to work on yourself though. You seem to have a very low value of yourself else, you won't be needing anybody to tell you to leave him or enduring so much rubbish. Pls work on your self esteem, believe in yourself much more and tell yourself you will only agree to date someone who will respect you and treat you right.

Why are you also allowing yourself to be treated like a sex slave? The guy who disvirgined you should treat you like an egg IMO but the opposite is the case with you. You really need to work on yourself and my personal advice is for you to avoid sex for now.

That's him for you.
He's not going to change
So you can go ahead if you see yourself able to put up with that for the rest of your life.


If not, then you might as well give someone else a chance and see if they meet your requirements.

Sexual satisfaction is very necessary for a happy marriage. Cuts the chances of infidelity in half.

If you were happy in the relationship before you started talking to your friends,chances are he probably wasn't that bad.

But ultimately, the golden rule is to not go ahead and marry someone hoping to change them.
Only go ahead if you think those faults are things you can live with.

Also bear in mind that there is not perfect person out there. So only go with someone whose faults you can live with If those faults aren't a danger to your health,well being and happiness.

If you can't, just call it quits.
better now than when you're already married.

Preprof:
Good evening all. I have been following this thread since inception but have not been able to comment. I created a new moniker for this purpose. There's an issue I'd like to table before the house and see what advice I would get.
I'm a final year student in one of the universities and have been in a relationship for about three years. My boyfriend has graduated and is currently serving.
Truth be told, I have always thought that I am in a perfect relationship until I spoke with a friend about what has been going on.
I love my bf to the point that I have made sacrifices for the relationship to go on. He disvirgined me. Whenever we have issues I am always the person that apologizes. He made me change my religious denomination.
Sex with him has been far from pleasurable. I do my best to satisfy him but he hardly cares if I enjoy the act. He craves a bj and I oblige him. He only started getting down on me recently. pre-intimacy is hard task for him and when he gets into me, he climaxes within a few minutes leaving me unsatisfied. I have tried to talk to him about it but he accused me of sleeping with other men. Once, he told me I was acting like a prostitute because I was tipsy due to some alcohol I took.
Early this year, he told all the numbers of guys I have on my phone.
I don't make financial demands on him but he hardly gives me anything. He told me to be content wwith what my mum gives me. He scolded me for making a hairstyle that he considered to be expensive (on top my own money o). I bail him out whenever he is in a fix.
He interrogates me about my whereabouts, who I am with and what I am doing everytime he calls.
I have never really caught him with another girl but I recently saw evidence that he was sexting with a girl. I didn't confront him about it.
I have not discussed my bf with anyone until my friend started asking me about him.
I decided to share this with a larger group so that I can get advice on what to do.
Thank you.

Cc: babyosisi, cococandy

I wrote this elsewhere

Here



Njide had just found a lost friend late 2010
A good friend
Chidi was like a brother to her.She remembered many many years ago he was home visiting from his med school in the SW and Njide was home also for the weekend and they met up.
In a conversation she poured out her heart to her friend and brother,she told him she was in trouble,she was fighting a battle in her heart.
He already knew she was engaged to someone but now he heard that there is another young man who had relentlessly pursued her for months and she was beginning to cave in.
She also revealed that she had finally accepted a date with him at his place the following day, Sunday as soon as she got back from the weekend.
Chidi asked her not to go,he pleaded.Njide you and I know what this young man wants,don't go,I don't want you hurt he said.

As Njide rode back in the taxi cab from her parents home she thought about Chidi's words, she also knew loverboy was probably at home waiting to see her in a few hours time.
She battled with these thoughts
She prayed,at the same time she was looking forward to the date,then Chidi's words would ring again,"Njide don't go".
She thought about her fiance also,she was already having doubts about the relationship,she wanted to keep the date,she wanted to be true to herself and God,her heart raced back and forth with thoughts overflowing as the taxi raced down the expressway towards the city she was headed.
Njide arrived the hostel at 4 Pm ,took a quick bath changed clothes and hailed another cab to the campus gate and shortly afterwards was standing at the address knocking.

The first time she met loverboy was by a gate at the hospital,he looked at her and smiled,she returned the smile and instantly his heart spoke to hers and hers to his.They met again at a formal setting where she heard him speak and was totally smitten but kept it to herself then he made his move,she turned down all his dates and here she was a few months later knocking on his door.
He opened the door and smiled,asking after her parents.She thought that was very thoughtful.
He served her a meal, it was beans and yam with a bottle of coke.
She was not a good fan of beans,it always did a number in her stomach but it would be rude to say no so she ate the food and drank the coke.
They talked like they had known each other for years.
She already knew a few things about him from short conversations in the past.
She couldn't help notice that his place looked very neat and that his cologne smelled incredible but she made no comments about that,he shared the flat with a colleague of his,another young man.
It was a lovely evening,they had a great time talking ,the roommate joined in at some point and just as she was about to leave,the heavens opened up and it began to rain.It didn't just rain,it poured and poured and poured very heavily and it was obvious she couldn't go home that night and panicked,she didn't want to sleep in a house with practically two strange men.
She knew him somewhat,she knew they were both in respected professions but she wanted to go home to her hostel.The next day was Monday,she needed to be in class.
But the rain wouldn't stop,then it dawned on her that she was stuck,night had fallen and it was time for bed.

Njide wondered what to do
Had she made the greatest mistake of her life
The power company NEPA had also quickly shut down the electric supply as soon as the first lightning struck.
At this time it was 8 PM ,pouring outside and pitch black.
Loverboy had lit a small florescent lamp that illuminated the living room area and the Njide carried on with the conversation trying hard to act normal.Loverboy assured her she was safe and she relaxed a bit but her thoughts quickly shifted to her best friend and roommate on campus,Ify with flashes of her fiance Okey.
She hadn't told Ify where she was going,Ify knew Njide had a couple of distant relatives in town and her fiance's sister whom she visited from time to time lived nearby,Ify knew she had just returned from Owerri and dashed out again saying she'll be right back.
It was now getting very late,what could be going through Ify's mind ,Njide thought.
This was the 90's,there were no cell phones in Nigeria so they couldn't communicate at that moment.
Around 10 PM it was clear to loverboy that Njide wanted to go to bed.
She had had a long day and needed some rest.
He took her to his bedroom,gave her a shirt and a wrapper to change into,at this time the rains had stopped and the light was back.
She waited for him to leave the room so she could change into the "sleeping wear" but he didn't seem to want to leave then she politely asked him to excuse her and he apologized for being lost in thought,forgetting his manners.
She changed into his clothes and lay on the bed covering herself with the wrapper.
Njide knew there was an extra bedroom they used as a storage space,it had no bed,the roommate was in the adjacent bedroom but there was a comfortable couch in the living room and she expected that to be his bed for the night.
She was soon to find out how very wrong that assumption was.
Loverboy wanted Njide.