Hi guys, I really need ur frank advice.

Me and my husband have been married for 3 years on and off long distance. We are both career wise doing very well for ourselves although he's more advanced than I.

Needless to say the spark has fizzled. I love him deeply and am considering leaving my career in the Uk to join him in Lagos.

Plz I need ur advice - given the unemployment situation in Nigeria, is it reasonable to expect me to give up everything - in search for a career/ life in Lagos? ( am not Nigerian)

Ladies who have done this - what is it like giving up ur independence - monthly paycheck - income?

Can't help but think it would be easier for him to join me in the UK - really frustrated - but can't stand the separation

Frank opinions plssssss

By the way, whose income is more? Yours or his?

His - by far

But refuses to share accounts

Hmmmn,Am not in the category to give advice concerning this issue,but let me the attention of those who can.
Babyosisi
Cococandy Hi
KanwuliaJara
Sambarry
Chaircover
Aisha2
EfemenaXY
Your advice are needed here.

NickiRoman:
Hmmmn,Am not in the category to give advice concerning this issue,but let me the attention of those who can.
Babyosisi
Cococandy Hi

Hi you too

Nobody really likes to leave their comfort zone and being that most men see themselves as having the upper hand in a relationship,it will be hard to see one that will give up his life to adapt to yours.

If he makes more than you, it makes sense that he's reluctant to give up a lifestyle he's used to for one lower than what he's used to In a Foreign land for that matter.

Hmm tough situation.

Except he can get to transfer. But whatever happens, one of you will have to compromise.

Let this not be a power tussle thing.
Just put your heads together and reach a decision based on what is best for your family

Misssessay:
Hi guys, I really need ur frank advice.

Me and my husband have been married for 3 years on and off long distance. We are both career wise doing very well for ourselves although he's more advanced than I.

Needless to say the spark has fizzled. I love him deeply and am considering leaving my career in the Uk to join him in Lagos.

Plz I need ur advice - given the unemployment situation in Nigeria, is it reasonable to expect me to give up everything - in search for a career/ life in Lagos? ( am not Nigerian)

Ladies who have done this - what is it like giving up ur independence - monthly paycheck - income?

Can't help but think it would be easier for him to join me in the UK - really frustrated - but can't stand the separation

Frank opinions plssssss

Why not resign and join him in Naija? You have foreign qualifications that should help. You will probably get a good job here in Naija.

Thanks! Very important point is that someone will hav to compromise and I can't stand the power struggle at the moment

But we hav to move forward.

Have been seeking opportunities in Lagos since the new year - from what I understand this could take some time

What fear is the loss of identity, loss of independence and uncertainty of being unemployed w/o income - ladies is this a good idea?

In the long run it could work out -its just the fear of stepping into the unknown....

Hmmmmmm......if his income is much more than yours, I suggest you establish yourself. It may be possible getting a good job in Nigeria due to your UK connection soon but setting up your own business is far better. You may even give that as a mild condition so as to get him involve. You can searching sourcing for the type of business you can do in Lagos. Your hubby can help too in securing the shop/office and th type of business he feels may be good for you.

Thanks.





#TeamNeverAgain. ........................................buy 1GB MTN Data plan for N1,200 only. 30 days duration. Works in all devices (Andriod/iPhone, Phone or Modem). 24/7 services available. Also Convert Airtime to Cash (20% Processing Fee). Call: 08107873795. Thanks & God bless.

Do you have the entrepreneural drive in you? You could save up n come set up a biz here in a posh area if you can afford it, whilst you continue the job search. If pple hear you're from Obodo Oyinbo, you could get better attention and/or clients though its not as easy as I'm painting it. Just give it a shot.

Its not easy though giving it all up.

Truthfully - I don't

Have never started a business before.

Although I think it is general consensus from my hubby's fam that I shd resign my role and be with him.

Is there anyone in the house that has done this for the sake of their marriage? What advice would you give? I know it won't be easy.... is there anything I can do now to prepare myself for this transition?

Personally I don't mind Lagos - it's just opportunities are not very forthcoming

Welcome to open marriage part 2!

OP'm?
I don't think you are using your head at full capacity.
WHAT ARE YOU SACRIFICING?

The only thing I can see being sacrificed "wisdom"!

According to you oooooooh. . . . . . .

1. The spark has fizzzzzzled(if there was any spark in the first place? I think not!)
2. You can't stand the separation, even when the dude is clearly enjoying the separation.
3. You are seeking advice from the 'misery love company' in the same group to console yourself that things will get better?
4. You want to give up your financial/professional independence for a man who cannot do the same(what makes you think the dude will prefer to come over to the UK to work in factories because of LOVE?)

Separation in marriage can only survive in the latter stages of marriage. . . .AFTER A GOOD SOLID 10 YEARS OR MORE. . . . .After the foundation has been built on commitment, if not love and respect.

I doubt the marriage will have any future even if you choose to move closer to be with your husband or vice versa. 3 years of marriage and living like strangers?

Sounds like a marriage 'by force' or 'convenience'!

Na which kain marriage be dis?

NickiRoman:
Hmmmn,Am not in the category to give advice concerning this issue,but let me the attention of those who can.
Kanwuliajara
Your advice are needed here.

I don put 'mutt' o. . . . .

KanwuliaJara:
Welcome to open marriage part 2!

OP'm?
I don't think you are using your head at full capacity.
WHAT ARE YOU SACRIFICING?

The only thing I can see being sacrificed "wisdom"!

According to you oooooooh. . . . . . .

1. The spark has fizzzzzzled(if there was any spark in the first place? I think not!)
2. You can't stand the separation, even when the dude is clearly enjoying the separation.
3. You are seeking advice from the 'misery love company' in the same group to console yourself that things will get better?
4. You want to give up your financial/professional independence for a man who cannot do the same(what makes you think the dude will prefer to come over to the UK to work in factories because of LOVE?)

Separation in marriage can only survive in the latter stages of marriage. . . .AFTER A GOOD SOLID 10 YEARS OR MORE. . . . .After the foundation has been built on commitment, if not love and respect.

I doubt the marriage will have any future even if you choose to move closer to be with your husband or vice versa. 3 years of marriage and living like strangers?

Sounds like a marriage 'by force' or 'convenience'!

Na which kain marriage be dis?





I don put 'mutt' o. . . . .

Thank Ya,Jah bless

Ohhh wisdom is lacking hmm

In all seriousness this is a verrrrry big decision we hav been together abt 8 years married just under 3. And there is no open marriage

I have done this before when we first married I moved to Lagos - didn't last long. - due to maybe to unrealistic expectations and my immaturity.

But I want to make a real go of this. Otherwise I can't see how we can move forward.

Misssessay:
Hi guys, I really need ur frank advice.

Me and my husband have been married for 3 years on and off long distance. We are both career wise doing very well for ourselves although he's more advanced than I.

Needless to say the spark has fizzled. I love him deeply and am considering leaving my career in the Uk to join him in Lagos.

Plz I need ur advice - given the unemployment situation in Nigeria, is it reasonable to expect me to give up everything - in search for a career/ life in Lagos? ( am not Nigerian)

Ladies who have done this - what is it like giving up ur independence - monthly paycheck - income?

Can't help but think it would be easier for him to join me in the UK - really frustrated - but can't stand the separation

Frank opinions plssssss

Marriage is a choice
That choice comes with sacrifice,sometimes a lot of sacrifice
you cannot be married and live apart
A 3 year marriage and you are in two different continents?
It won't work
Separation cannot be called marriage,maybe there's another name for it?? Separation marriage?,sorry I may not be current
About giving up your income and financial leverage,I ask again,do you want to be married?
If the answer is yes move to Lagos and live with your husband,if the answer is maybe,I don't know,I'm not sure then stay in the UK
But a word of caution,he probably has a woman there anyway
That's the reason he is comfortable with the choice so far and hasn't pressured you to move
Are you even sure he wants you to move
You may disrupt some things,you know
There could be a whole family with kids that may not be comfortable with your return
Do your homework

And that's really something to be afraid of. Giving up one's livelihood and comfort zone to move to another place where she's not sure of.

She does had well founded fears. I wonder if they didn't discuss this before marriage.

babyosisi:


Marriage is a choice
That choice comes with sacrifice,sometimes a lot of sacrifice
you cannot be married and live apart
A 3 year marriage and you are in two different continents?
It won't work
Separation cannot be called marriage,maybe there's another name for it?? Separation marriage?,sorry I may not be current
About giving up your income and financial leverage,I ask again,do you want to be married?
If the answer is yes move to Lagos and live with your husband,if the answer is maybe,I don't know,I'm not sure then stay in the UK
But a word of caution,he probably has a woman there anyway
That's the reason he is comfortable with the choice so far and hasn't pressured you to move
Are you even sure he wants you to move
You may disrupt some things,you know
There could be a whole family with kids that may not be comfortable with your return
Do your homework

Misssessay:
Truthfully - I don't

Have never started a business before.

Although I think it is general consensus from my hubby's fam that I shd resign my role and be with him.

Is there anyone in the house that has done this for the sake of their marriage? What advice would you give? I know it won't be easy.... is there anything I can do now to prepare myself for this transition?

Personally I don't mind Lagos - it's just opportunities are not very forthcoming

Why is it a general consensus from his family? Are they the one deciding for you guys what to do?

I know they are in position to advise you guys and I'm sure their advice will be for you to relocate but ultimately the decision should come from agreement between you and your husband, not pressure from his family.

Did you and him talk about living arrangements before the wedding?

cococandy:


Why is it a general consensus from his family? Are they the one deciding for you guys what to do?

I know they are in position to advise you guys and I'm sure their advice will be for you to relocate but ultimately the decision should come from agreement between you and your husband, not pressure from his family.

Did you and him talk about living arrangements before the wedding?

I didn't even read that family consensus bit
Are you sure it isn't the family forcing these two people to live together?
The man may not be thrilled with this arrangement

Thanks for the responses - just to add we were together before we were married and cohabited for abt a year into our marriage.

Hubby expects me to move - in the wake of 2015 I have been given deadline

Just thinking of the best way to go abt this

Misssessay:
Thanks for the responses - just to add we were together before we were married and cohabited for abt a year into our marriage.

Hubby expects me to move - in the wake of 2015 I have been given deadline

Just thinking of the best way to go abt this

You can't have it all. You have to choose ye this day who you want to serve. Your marriage, or your current lifestyle. That homeboy has given you an ultimatum seems to indicate he has no woman here, or at least no "permanent" woman. So that's a good thing.

But from all I am reading here - 3 years apart, once screwed up due to your immaturity, his family insisting, my dear, I think you are between a rock and a hard place. So I think this is gone beyond what is best for you to what is the right thing to do. Marriage is all about sacrifice. And yes, you do not wait for the other person to sacrifice first. You said the vows, you keep your vows. Your hubby not keeping his is not your place. Keep yours first. Then work from there. Good luck.


P.s Your doing what is right doesn't mean you should go and be stupid. There is a difference between humility and timidity. Be gentle. But be wise

Misssessay:
Thanks for the responses - just to add we were together before we were married and cohabited for abt a year into our marriage.

Hubby expects me to move - in the wake of 2015 I have been given deadline

Just thinking of the best way to go abt this

do you have your own personal support base (family mostly) that you can fall back on when things are tough?

If you resign your UK job and go to Nigeria, if it doesn't work out, can you successfully go back to the UK and start your life and get back on your feet again?

I'm not asking this because I assume it won't work. I'm asking Because I believe if your answer to these questions are YES, then don't be afraid to make the move.
Even if your answer is NO,you still have to take it as a leap of faith because realistically speaking,it is not wise for the person with the higher income in a family to give it up for unknown waters.

If he's giving you ultimatum,also give him your own conditions.
To make you a temporary accessory to his account so that you won't be stumped begging him for pantie money the first few months (or however long) before you get a job.

It is obvious both of you are used to some measure of independence and are both understandably unwilling to shift ground for the other.

You guys should have agreed on living arrangements before tying the knots.

The fact that you are thinking about this in such great depth indicates that you are unsure about things. If you were so hot on each other you wouldnt want to leave each others side for a minute, especially as there isnt any real reason why you should be apart.

Did you not have prior agreements about location? If you want to rekindle the spark, it has to be done side by side.

If you want a marriage then you need to go back there and be by your man through thick and thin and also be prepared to go through ups and downs. Its better to resolve these kinks early in the relationship so that you can settle down to real married life for the longer term, rather than not settling for the length of the marriage.

Do your homework before you go in case there is another woman/women involved especially if he has some loose change and this time work on your expectatons. Learn about the country and do your homeowork very well so you know what to expect this time and be prepared for it so you dont run back again. Look at it as your permanent home.

LDR are not healthy for marriages, especially young ones. This is the time that you should be bonding getting closer and growing your family together.

As you are unsure, make sure that you have something waiting for you to step into in Nigeria so at least you have something you can fall back on financially if required. Also dont completely shut down everything in the UK, so that if you need to come back you can.
Putting these in place will also help you to be more comfortable and at ease with your descsions.

LewsTherin:


You can't have it all. You have to choose ye this day who you want to serve. Your marriage, or your current lifestyle. That homeboy has given you an ultimatum seems to indicate he has no woman here, or at least no "permanent" woman. So that's a good thing.

But from all I am reading here - 3 years apart, once screwed up due to your immaturity, his family insisting, my dear, I think you are between a rock and a hard place. So I think this is gone beyond what is best for you to what is the right thing to do. Marriage is all about sacrifice. And yes, you do not wait for the other person to sacrifice first. You said the vows, you keep your vows. Your hubby not keeping his is not your place. Keep yours first. Then work from there. Good luck.


P.s Your doing what is right doesn't mean you should go and be stupid. There is a difference between humility and timidity. Be gentle. But be wise

Very well said

Am at a stage where I have exhausted my options.

Just abt finding the best way to go abt it now I guess.. .

cococandy:
do you have your own personal support base (family mostly) that you can fall back on when things are tough?

If you resign your UK job and go to Nigeria, if it doesn't work out, can you successfully go back to the UK and start your life and get back on your feet again?

I'm not asking this because I assume it won't work. I'm asking Because I believe if your answer to these questions are YES, then don't be afraid to make the move.
Even if your answer is NO,you still have to take it as a leap of faith because realistically speaking,it is not wise for the person with the higher income in a family to give it up for unknown waters.

If he's giving you ultimatum,also give him your own conditions.
To make you a temporary accessory to his account so that you won't be stumped begging him for pantie money the first few months (or however long) before you get a job.

It is obvious both of you are used to some measure of independence and are both understandably unwilling to shift ground for the other.

You guys should have agreed on living arrangements before tying the knots.

We were living together when married... this long distance thing is quite recent :/

You speak allot of sense - I have no family but a few friends already in Nigeria.

Your right even if I didn't I wud still hav to move

Now - my hubby says that in Nigeria it is not typical to share accounts.... :/ and that if there is anything I need he will provide me.... so I guess that's out of the question.

Not exactly the way I'd like things to be - but just trying to save as much as I can before I go

Misssessay:


We were living together when married... this long distance thing is quite recent :/

You speak allot of sense - I have no family but a few friends already in Nigeria.

Your right even if I didn't I wud still hav to move

Now - my hubby says that in Nigeria it is not typical to share accounts.... :/ and that if there is anything I need he will provide me.... so I guess that's out of the question.

Not exactly the way I'd like things to be - but just trying to save as much as I can before I go

Bold is a good decision.

Let's hope he lives up to his words.
That his excuse is not balanced.
You do what works for your marriage not the norm.
He wants you to make big changes to your life he should be willing to make small changes to accommodate you.


I wish you goodluck. Plenty of it.

My humble opinion;Life is too short. Do not let fear of the unknown stop you from taking this big step. Nobody knows tomorrow. A family should be together. If you dont take this step now,you may never enjoy your marriage. Resign your job and join him in Nigeria. I hope you have some good savings just in case. However, believe you are moving here to enjoy your marriage. Make up your mind to make your marriage work. It may be tough at first but you will overcome. All the best.

Misssessay:


We were living together when married... this long distance thing is quite recent :/

You speak allot of sense - I have no family but a few friends already in Nigeria.

Your right even if I didn't I wud still hav to move

Now - my hubby says that in Nigeria it is not typical to share accounts.... :/ and that if there is anything I need he will provide me.... so I guess that's out of the question.

Not exactly the way I'd like things to be - but just trying to save as much as I can before I go

@Bold:

What exactly is hubby's view towards finance?

Is your current earning something that can still make money remotely?

Funny enough, I'm watching a movie right now with this similar story, the difference is that the lady is an illegal immigrant and her boss is seriously hitting on her. Her own marriage is 6 years and her friends pressuring her to go back to Nigeria

dynamicbuzz:
Funny enough, I'm watching a movie right now with this similar story, the difference is that the lady is an illegal immigrant and her boss is seriously hitting on her. Her own marriage is 6 years and her friends pressuring her to go back to Nigeria

Ah ah you're kidding!

A modern day dilemma - apart from the illegal immigration and sexual harassment

Hope they had a happy ending too

KanwuliaJara:



[size=18pt]3. You are seeking advice from the 'misery love company' in the same group to console yourself that things will get better?
[/size]

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!