babyosisi:



You are already married and you can still move up from there
Lose that mindset of leaving,please don't entertain those thoughts
Determine to make this work
If you allow resentment to grow and fester,you grow quickly apart
He was your dream man you thought so there was goodness in him when you met him

Before I comment further,what attracted you initially to this man
What was it about him you loved and made you say yes
Give me 4 things
I will share with you some things in my 4th year of marriage too ,that could help

He was tall, looked good and was HUMBLE.
He wouldn't do anything without seeking my opinion.
If we had a quarrel, he wouldn't let d day end without resolving it no matter WHO was wrong. Whenever he was paid his salary, he wouldn't touch it he gets home, gives it to me to bless n confirm. I can go on and on....

Nannymacphee I am building up to answering your question from my own experiences
This from an old thread ,pt hat would have been 80 pages or more but for the nairaland tsunami last year,yes i am babymama
Read on

https://www.nairaland.com/1550867/making-love-raising-family

Babymama1:
Maintaining your individuality in marriage

Marriage makes you one with your spouse.The priest or pastor tells us that at the solemnization,the popular scripture about a man leaving his father and mother and cleaving to his wife and they become one is quoted at most weddings.
We have interpreted it wrongly to mean that you lose the very essence of who you are,your thoughts,your interests,your aspirations and the things that make you who u are because you are married.
How can that be?

No woman will be happy in marriage where she feels like her individuality is being stifled and she is not allowed to be her true self within the confines of marriage.
This is the cause of many many conflicts
You give your best when you are able to be yourself and pursue your interests
No woman likes to be told and instructed on when to do things and how to do them

I like to dance for instance
You couldn't meet me at a good party and forget me easily
There is something about good music that frees me completely and makes me lose all inhibitions even in the midst of people I barely know
My hubby is not the same way,he would rather sit and tap his foot and bop his head while nursing and sipping his drink
But over time he has come to appreciate that aspect of me and joins in more often to dance with me
He knows that those are my happiest moments
At that instant all my worries are in the back burner

I have vacationed a few times with old friends and classmates ,another thing I like to do
I enjoy spending time with the girls
If you've never spent a weekend alone with a bunch of girls from your childhood,try it,it is the most awesome thing to do.

Every woman should have an opportunity to carry out other interests ,to be herself sometimes and be in touch with the essence
of her person
Without children,husband or family things
We don't automatically lose our individuality after the prefix Mrs or mommy is attached to our names
I am Ada and will always be Ada despite my newer roles as wife and mom
It can be done wisely and responsibly
I believe in having my own bank account
It will kill me to take permission to spend my own money or buy the things I want to buy,I am not wired to be that dependent on someone else.
I am a better person maintaining my individuality within the confines of marriage
I hope I'm not misunderstood here,I also believe in submitting to my man
Over the years we have grown tremendously

Marriage grows over time if the people are willing and come to a good balance where both parties are in a loving union and no one feels choked or smothered.
It takes a lot of hard work,a lot of adjustments,some heart to heart talks,sometimes born out of heated moments a lot of understanding the needs of your spouse and conscious efforts to fulfill those needs

I wish every man could read this

I must commend the ladies here for the wonderful contributions especially babyosisi. You probably don't know the number of marriages you have rescued from the brink of bitterness, stagnation, separation and divorce. Babyosisi your hubby is one lucky man...I know you are lucky as well to have such a man....thanks for this thread. Jisike nwanyi Oma!!!!

bencomfav:



He was tall, looked good and was HUMBLE.
He wouldn't do anything without seeking my opinion.
If we had a quarrel, he wouldn't let d day end without resolving it no matter WHO was wrong. Whenever he was paid his salary, he wouldn't touch it he gets home, gives it to me to bless n confirm. I can go on and on....

I don't get this
Have we communicated here before?

babyosisi:


I don't get this
Have we communicated here before?

.

Hahaha...lmao, alternate moniker@ work.....

Preternatura1:
Thank you OP and the rest of the crew for the awesome job you are doing, you are indeed wonderful women.

Please, I'd be very honored and grateful if you can take out some time to help me out here.

The thing is that, I'm in a relationship of 3 years but I don't feel like I have feelings anymore, I feel nothing when we kiss let alone make love, I do love this man but I just don't feel that feeling you get, the butterfly kinda thing, this is someone I'm talking marriage with, I also can't shake the feeling that he's not really the one, I mean, he does what he can to make me happy and he is indeed a faithful man, I'm also faithful but it seems to me like I built a man in my head and he's not exactly up to what is in my head.

I do know that, if I marry him, it will make him the happiest man on earth, I want him to have that and I know he'll do his best to make me happy, but what about me? Will I ever be as happy as I'd love? Will the way I feel now pass?

I sometimes think of leaving but I feel so bad whenever the thought comes in, like I'm being ungrateful and mean, he hasn't really done anything wrong and doesn't deserve to be heartbroken, what should I do please?

I'm 25 btw and he's 30, we both work and it's pretty much 50/50 financially.

Perhaps you have this 'Mills & Boon' syndrome.I met quite a number of ladies who had fantasies.
I really think the problem is that you both have not set a time for marriage.

babyosisi:


I don't get this
Have we communicated here before?

Maybe one of the 21million.

Disregard .

Thank you all for your contributions on this thread especially the poster. I have followed for a while and I will as long as it keeps growing.

Onegai:



So, become an interesting person. My hubby and I reconciled because of one of my hobbies, Horticulture (flowers) and one of his hobbies, Wines. There's so much to do and see affordably self. Discover new places to visit together. Get yourself tea light candles, in fact that local long candle, cut it into smaller pieces for a cheaper update ! ), get bubble bath and On Friday night, turn off your light (if PHCN even gives you sef) run a bath and sit him and you in it. Yes your bath is small but you're naked inside water, no redblooded male will notice the bath size.
Take walks together and talk about your future. Start building behaviours that will help you during your marriage.

All the best. You have work to do.

This is beautiful
I really would love you to share more on reconciliation after separation
It's an area I admit I have no experience in
It will be of benefit to someone

Thanks for that insightful post babyosisi.

Most of the cases I bring here are things I see and hear often.

If i find out I'm not wanted by hubby's siblings,nne,i will keep to myself o.
If our ways jam,i will do d required thing but will tread carefully abeg.

And I wouldn't want that to give me obara mgbani enu. I have only once to live.
U can't live my life for me or make me not to enjoy myself and my marriage.

If push come to shove,i will blank u completely. No time.

moca:
Thanks for that insightful post babyosisi.

Most of the cases I bring here are things I see and hear often.

If i find out I'm not wanted by hubby's siblings,nne,i will keep to myself o.
If our ways jam,i will do d required thing but will tread carefully abeg.

And I wouldn't want that to give me obara mgbani enu. I have only once to live.
U can't live my life for me or make me not to enjoy myself and my marriage.

If push come to shove,i will blank u completely. No time.

Some inlaws are better called outlaws wallahi

.

Chillisauce:


Maybe one of the 21million.

Disregard .

U? Again?
We hv suffered
Chillisauce,repent!


(sleep pls locate me o)

babyosisi:


Some inlaws are better called outlaws wallahi

Thanks ma, once again you are a beacon of hope but in the bid for one's individuality not to be lost what will you do if your husbands individuality will cause yours to suffer? will you allow him have the way because he is the man?

in the spirit of peace, ego massage & submission, will you agree with your husband over a decision he is about to take that you know will not turn out well? even after presenting ur arguments he still insists that's the next course of action

Women are very intuitive, so we can sense danger even if logic doesn't prove there is any imminent danger, if indeed you will let him have his way & it turns out bad, do you taunt him with the "ntor, I told you so or warned you so"

PS: I looked for your shortest post, there is no need to repost where you explained individuality

Someone sent this piece to me, I decided to share




A wise man once told me dis story of the frog some time ago. Was just pondering beyond the scientific nature of an ordinary frog, and then try to apply it to our every day life....

"Put a frog in a vessel of water," he said, "and start heating the water . As the temperature of the water rises, the frog is able to adjust its body temperature accordingly ... The frog keeps on adjusting with increase in temperature...Just when the water is about to reach boiling point, the frog is not able to adjust anymore... At that point the frog decides to jump out...The frog tries to jump but its unable to do so, because it has lost all its strength in adjusting with the rising water temperature, then the frog dies".

What a tragic tale! But then we need to ask, What killed the frog? Many of us would say the boiling water... But the truth is what killed the frog was its own inability to decide when it had to jump out. We all need to adjust with people and situations, but we need to be sure when we need to adjust and when we need to confront/face.

There are times when we need to face the situation and take the appropriate action...If we allow people to exploit us physically, mentally,emotionally they will continue to do so... We have to decide when to jump !!!!Let us jump while we still have the strength....Have a blessed day.

Well I guess this post answers your own question then.

nannymcphee:
Someone sent this piece to me, I decided to share




A wise man once told me dis story of the frog some time ago. Was just pondering beyond the scientific nature of an ordinary frog, and then try to apply it to our every day life....

"Put a frog in a vessel of water," he said, "and start heating the water . As the temperature of the water rises, the frog is able to adjust its body temperature accordingly ... The frog keeps on adjusting with increase in temperature...Just when the water is about to reach boiling point, the frog is not able to adjust anymore... At that point the frog decides to jump out...The frog tries to jump but its unable to do so, because it has lost all its strength in adjusting with the rising water temperature, then the frog dies".

What a tragic tale! But then we need to ask, What killed the frog? Many of us would say the boiling water... But the truth is what killed the frog was its own inability to decide when it had to jump out. We all need to adjust with people and situations, but we need to be sure when we need to adjust and when we need to confront/face.

There are times when we need to face the situation and take the appropriate action...If we allow people to exploit us physically, mentally,emotionally they will continue to do so... We have to decide when to jump !!!!Let us jump while we still have the strength....Have a blessed day.

cococandy:
Well I guess this post answers your own question then.

Lol, it does kind of, I'm not an advocate for divorce, though the dynamics of today's living has forced us to deviate from what was obtainable in our parents days

Then again we learn everyday, this thread has taught me a lot, reading mutter's story & the other cases of ladies who were infected with HIV, I don't know how I would have been able to tell them "hang in there, work it out, patience & perseverance etc"

I can only pray that I don't find myself in such circumstances

I heard somewhere that men like women who challenge them and keep them on their toes. They push to see how far they can but then they get bored. They still enjoy the Chase. I love this book "Why men love _Bitches" it's really insightful because its men giving there point of views. And men hate a doormat. You need a balance between submission and dominant. I would recommend that book.

nannymcphee:


Lol, it does kind of, I'm not an advocate for divorce, though the dynamics of today's living has forced us to deviate from what was obtainable in our parents days

Then again we learn everyday, this thread has taught me a lot, reading mutter's story & the other cases of ladies who were infected with HIV, I don't know how I would have been able to tell them "hang in there, work it out, patience & perseverance etc"

I can only pray that I don't find myself in such circumstances

Dimples192:
I heard somewhere that men like women who challenge them and keep them on their toes. They push to see how far they can but then they get bored. They still enjoy the Chase. I love this book "Why men love _Bitches" it's really insightful because its men giving there point of views. And men hate a doormat. You need a balance between submission and dominant. I would recommend that book.

.......and all men love bitches?

thorpido:
.......and all men love bitches?

_Bitch is a tongue in cheek phrase
More like a woman who has self respect.

Dimples192:

_Bitch is a tongue in cheek phrase
More like a woman who has self respect.

o yeah?

_bitch/bɪtʃ/
noun

1. a female dog, wolf, fox, or otter.
2. a spiteful or unpleasant woman.
3. a difficult or unpleasant situation or thing.
4. a complaint.

Tongue in cheek means it's a joke. Light hearted. You know the saying dnt judge a book by it's cover like you're doing literally. Lol

thorpido:
o yeah.

_bitch/bɪtʃ/
noun

1. a female dog, wolf, fox, or otter.
2. a spiteful or unpleasant woman.
3. a difficult or unpleasant situation or thing.
4. a complaint.

verb

Dimples192:

Tongue in cheek means it's a joke. Light hearted. You know the saying dnt judge a book by it's cover like you're doing literally. Lol

Well it's excused as an urban slang if that's the way you want to use it.

Dimples192:
I heard somewhere that men like women who challenge them and keep them on their toes. They push to see how far they can but then they get bored. They still enjoy the Chase. I love this book "Why men love _Bitches" it's really insightful because its men giving there point of views. And men hate a doormat. You need a balance between submission and dominant. I would recommend that book.

I'll bet that title does a pretty good job of getting a potential reader's attention, lol!

EnlightenedSoul:


I'll bet that title does a pretty good job of getting a potential reader's attention, lol!

Lol yeah it did bbe. Men are dameer they dnt work with too much love. Once you love you he will follow suit. Of course visa versa.

Dimples192:


Lol yeah it did bbe. Men are dameer they dnt work with too much love. Once you love you he will follow suit. Of course, visa versa.

Too easy to be true, lol. I agree with not giving too much love.

nannymcphee:


Thanks ma, once again you are a beacon of hope but in the bid for one's individuality not to be lost what will you do if your husbands individuality will cause yours to suffer? will you allow him have the way because he is the man?

PS: I looked for your shortest post, there is no need to repost where you explained individuality

It depends on what that is.
I have shared here that I have had to pick up and move a few times because my husband had better opportunities and was building his career and that move has hurt and stalled my own career improvement ,in the latest move I actually had a salary decrease.
Do I regret it?
Absolutely not
Because his success is my success and men are at their best when they have not only have an upper hand in earnings but are where they desire to be.so in the long run I ended up with a better man at the expense of my own career goals.its a good trade off for me.

in the spirit of peace, ego massage & submission, will you agree with your husband over a decision he is about to take that you know will not turn out well? even after presenting ur arguments he still insists that's the next course of action

I will present my case not argue it.i have found out that trying to make the other person see your side in a heated argument never works.So I have learned not just what to say but when to say it.The man knows that I am smart and he is a very intelligent man too.a first class ivy school brain,and when I have misgivings about a decision and I voice it out,there are situations he won't take it but I assure you he considers it in his quiet moments and when he goes along with his own plan,I don't argue it.i support him because I know his intentions are right.
There are many instances he ends up doing what I suggested and that tells me my approach works.

Women are very intuitive, so we can sense danger even if logic doesn't prove there is any imminent danger, if indeed you will let him have his way & it turns out bad, do you taunt him with the "ntor, I told you so or warned you so"

To be very honest with you I haven't found myself in those circumstances that stand out.i guess my " luck" in that is that I married a miserly Igbo man who calculates and recalculates before spending a dollar so his decisions haven't cost us in dollar amounts.
I have actually talked him into buying cheaper houses for our first and second homes.i also downsized the plan of the building in the village and he listened to me.
The last one he so wanted this 3 level house and the mortgage was a little too high for me so again I convinced him for a cheaper house and he went for it.

But of course like everybody I have had to say many ntors when he refused to take my directions on the road and a 45 minute journey took an hour and a half and similar stuff.i will oppress him like every Normal wife would.

How do you handle a husband who only tells u want he wants to tell you. The wife has no idea about his finances. His communication is zero and won't also give listening ear. His Ego and Pride is killing the marriage as he never appreciates the wife or says sorry even when he's wrong. He does not complement the wife, no birthday, bal, anniversaire célébrations yet he complements other women both married and single. A man who only sees bad in his wife for example, only wen u do thread hair dat he will compliment negatively. Too much to say and type

happysisi:
How do you handle a husband who only tells u want he wants to tell you. The wife has no idea about his finances. His communication is zero and won't also give listening ear. His Ego and Pride is killing the marriage as he never appreciates the wife or says sorry even when he's wrong. He does not complement the wife, no birthday, bal, anniversaire célébrations yet he complements other women both married and single. A man who only sees bad in his wife for example, only wen u do thread hair dat he will compliment negatively. Too much to say and type

My Dear I am so sorry to read your pain what a beautiful thread my Sister started.

I have been married for 12 years now how long have you been married?
The reason I ask is because if it is a new marriage he may be taking his time to divulge such information.
It also depends on how the marriage started, how long you dated. Did you see these traits and thought he would change?

My advise is that you can't change people you have to change yourself first. How? By not worrying about his finances, by being honest with yourself, definitely you have an inkling of an idea on why he may be behaving as such.

[
4 yrs. Most times, I get to hear from his conversation or it will drop out of his mouth. He says some nd won't say all nd I keep wondering. I have also stopped asking cuz it seems there's is sumthing I want to use it for.




quote author=biafranqueen post=31304329]My Dear I am so sorry to read your pain what a beautiful thread my Sister started.

I have been married for 12 years now how long have you been married?
The reason I ask is because if it is a new marriage he may be taking his time to divulge such information.[/quote]

lofty900:
my dear, no man has "husband material" tattooed on his forehead. That's what courtship is meant for, most answers are answered during courtship to avoid any surprise package after wedding. If u r not satisfied during courtship, no need to manage, there are other guys out there

Great answer!

happysisi:
[
4 yrs. Most times, I get to hear from his conversation or it will drop out of his mouth. He says some nd won't say all nd I keep wondering. I have also stopped asking cuz it seems there's is sumthing I want to use it for.




quote author=biafranqueen post=31304329]My Dear I am so sorry to read your pain what a beautiful thread my Sister started.

I have been married for 12 years now how long have you been married?
The reason I ask is because if it is a new marriage he may be taking his time to divulge such information.

Yes my Dear the marriage is still brand new. My husband and I use to fight about money because he is a saver and I am a spender. When I realized that he is the best person to handle the finances I took my mind off of it, and he relaxed in sharing more of what he is planning for the family. It took a while for me to change and now he trust me with his ATM card for days because I have learned that its not a must that I buy new stuff every time money enter my hand. Believe me it took like 7 years to get to this point.

The compliments, have you put on weight recently? Or does he like a certain style of dressing?