pickabeau1:



Some are no doubt exaggerated

But believe you me the consistent message of controlling men and estrangement of MIL is there to see

Me and my husband alone

Lol @ me and my husband alone.

coogar:


the ones who are clamouring for intolerance & disrespect would soon get their comeuppance. what goes around comes around - all the DILs today would become MILs tomorrow & someone's daughter would disrespect them.

a woman slapped her MIL & some retärds were somehow justifying the action. if her mother was placed in the same scenario, would she have slapped her own mother? sometimes, you just have to assume some of the posts you read here are typed by animals.

Nemesis will surely catch with them.

But how about the so called men that have become spineless all in the name of being Civilised?

I wonder, if I came here to say my husband beat up my mum for some quarrels, how many pple will be asking me to remember my loyalty is to my husband like they were telling d guy in that post.

taryour:



Lol. If I hear. Na today? They all claim they have longer years of experience and have seen and passed tru it all. And funny enough they would never ever try such with their own mother inlaws.

that is if the hyenas have MILs. What kind of experience does a divorcee have to offer? a failure will only teach others to fail. Let them keep deceiving themselves, I laugh in Swahili

taryour:

I tell you bro. I had to go back to read the op first post over and over again. Up to 5 times and I read the same thing. I needed to be sure it wasn't the headache I was having after long hours of driving that was making my eyes blur. Its so ridiculous that just a mare pix caused all these.

i empathise with the man that had to deal with that nonsense.

I wonder what she would have done if the mother inlaw had made an attempt to take her OWN GRANDCHILD for a day or 2 days holliday with her, she would have probably set the woman ablaze.

she'd probably call her a thief so that area boys can put a tyre on her neck.

And if it was her own mother or even a friend that wanted the picture,she would give it out with no delays or given out the whole album sef.

before nko?
selfish women. if the MIL wanted to use the pic to harm the child, why would she make it so obvious?

taryour:


Oh yes I remember correctly and I had to quote that post and asked the poster where her daughter was when she did that.

Good question.

greatgod2012:

Honestly, I don't know why and how people have misunderstanding with their MILs.

That's why no one should take your advice on MIL/DIL relationships seriously, your posts on such issues are very unbalanced and naive.

bebe2:

Nemesis will surely catch with them.
But how about the so called men that have become spineless all in the name of being Civilised?

spineless men have been brain-washed by the selfish wives. it's not about civilisation, some of these men are the "wives" in that they are totally dependent on their spouses.

I wonder, if I came here to say my husband beat up my mum for some quarrels, how many pple will be asking me to remember my loyalty is to my husband like they were telling d guy in that post.

that's the hypocrisy we always talk about here. when a man misbehaves, he's a monster. when a woman does, she should be loved.

@taryour: You do realize that your post puts the entire responsibility of ensuring a good MIL/DIL relationship on the DIL. She has to overlook, she has to take the meddling, she has to be patient, she has to take the insults, she has to do this, she has to do that. Do you find anything faulty with that mindset?


BTW, the whole DIL will soon be MIL argument, is the most foolish argument I have heard. No one is denying the fact that there are good MILs out there but we also acknowledge that there are MILs that are far from good. I would expect that a DIL who had a terrible experience with her MIL will be better in dealing with her future DIL because she knows what to do and what not to.

Nigerian culture has helped the intolerable nature of some MILs and there is no denying that.

coogar:


spineless men have been brain-washed by the selfish wives. it's not about civilisation, some of these men are the "wives" in that they are totally dependent on their spouses.



that's the hypocrisy we always talk about here. when a man misbehaves, he's a monster. when a woman does, she should be loved.

It's so sad, never been so angry about a common post.

Well, I wish all our young men gud luck finding a gud woman in the midst of these thorns.

bebe2:


It's so sad, never been so angry about a common post.

Well, I wish all our young men gud luck finding a gud woman in the midst of these thorns.

our young men should pray for wisdom. the guy that came to tell that story would know who's more likely to be hot-tempered between the two women.

if it's the wife then may God help him. these 21st century selfish wives easily ignore the input of the MILs on their husbands - if she didn't raise him well, would they have married him.

a wife that can wake up tomorrow & ask for a divorce? can a mother ask to divorce her own son? the 2 women are important to the husband and they should respect each other's boundaries.

bebe2:


simple!

Tolerant is the watch word.

was home a few weeks back, sat with my MIL and all of sudden she started advising me,

how i shud love my husband and always ''beg'' him when i offend him and he is angry.

i kept saying yes ma, yes ma, wen she finished i asked her, wat if he offends me?

she paused, look at me and said, '' my son is not a trouble maker he can never offend anyone''

i fell to the ground with laughter, cudnt control myself, it was my SIL that was telling her

so ur son is an angel abi?

wen i got home i started gisting my frd the story but she was so angry, saying NOOOOOOO i cant tolerate dat,

how can she say that to u? u shud have answered with this or that.

i just stood there shocked, i thot it will be gud laugh o, after her reaction i jeje carry my bag and went home.

Some ladies are crazy.

I had similar experience too. How my MIL was advising me to be pounding yam for my husband to take to office so that he won't look outside. She gave example of how she will roast a whole chicken and she and her husband will eat and merry then. I was just laughing when she was telling me. She asked me why I was laughing and I told her that sebi despite all the roasting of chicken and merriment her husband still went ahead and married another woman.
She just kept she didn't know what to say again. I begged her sha for laughing. I wasn't expecting her to say such things when she knows all her own pampering and merry merry didn't stopped her husband.

taryour:
I came across this and thought of sharing here cause am certain a lot will need it.

Both married women and to be wives.


long time ago in Ijebu-Igbo, south-west Nigeria, a girl
named Jumoke got married and went to live with her
husband and mother-in-law. In a very short time, Jumoke
found that she couldn’t get along with her mother-in-law at
all. Their personalities were very different, and Jumoke was
angered by many of her mother-in-law’s habits. In
addition, she criticized Jumoke constantly.
Days passed, and weeks passed. Jumoke and her mother-in-
law never stopped arguing and fighting. But what made the
situation even worse was that, according to ancient Yoruba
tradition, Jumoke had to kneel to her mother-in-law and
obey her every wish. All the anger and unhappiness in the
house was causing Jumoke's poor husband great distress.
Finally, Jumoke could not stand her mother-in-law’s bad
temper and dictatorship any longer, and she decided to do
something about it! Jumoke went to see her father’s good
friend, 'Baba' who was a herbalist. She told him the situation
and asked if he would give her some poison so that she
could solve the problem once and for all.
Baba thought for a while, and finally said, "Jumoke, I will
help you solve your problem, but you must listen to me and
obey what I tell you."
Jumoke said, "Yes, Baba, I will do whatever you tell me to
do." Baba went into the back room, and returned in a few
minutes with a package of herbs. He told Jumoke, "You can’t
use a quick-acting poison to get rid of your mother-in-law,
because that would cause people to become suspicious.
Therefore, I have given you a number of herbs that will
slowly build up poison in her body. Every other day prepare
some delicious meal and put a little of these herbs in her
serving."
"Now, in order to make sure that nobody suspects you when
she dies, you must be very careful to act very friendly
towards her. Don’t argue with her, obey her every wish, and
treat her like a queen."
Jumoke was so happy. She thanked Baba and hurried home
to start her plot of murdering her mother-in-law. Weeks and
months went by, and every other day, Jumoke served the
specially treated food to her mother-in-law. She
remembered what Baba had said about avoiding suspicion,
so she controlled her temper, obeyed her mother-in-law,
and treated her like her own mother.
After six months had passed, the whole household had
changed. Jumoke had practiced controlling her temper so
much that she found that she almost never got mad or
upset. She hadn’t had an argument with her mother-in-law
in six months because she now seemed much kinder and
easier to get along with.
The mother-in-law’s attitude toward Jumoke changed, and
she began to love Jumoke like her own daughter. She kept
telling friends and relatives that Jumoke was the best
daughter-in-law one could ever find. Jumoke and her
mother-in-law were now treating each other like a real
mother and daughter. Jumoke’s husband was very happy to
see what was happening.
One day, Jumoke came to see Baba and asked for his help
again She said, "Baba, please help me to keep the poison
from killing my mother-in-law. She has changed into such a
nice woman, and I love her like my own mother. I do not
want her to die because of the poison I gave her."
Baba smiled and nodded his head. "Jumoke, there’s nothing
to worry about. I never gave you any poison. The herbs I
gave you were vitamins to improve her health. The only
poison was in your mind and your attitude toward her, but
that has been all washed away by the love which you gave to
her."
Have you realized that how you treat others is exactly how
they will treat you? There is a wise Yoruba saying: ‘The
person who loves others will also be loved in return.’ God
might be trying to work in another person’s life through you.
A candle loses nothing if it is used to light another one.
Meditation: Do not let your adornment be merely outward—
arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine
apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart,
with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit,
which is very precious in the sight of God. - 1 Peter 3:3-4
We will succeed in Jesus name

Thanks for sharing this story that further shows our TRADITIONAL belief systems had enough moral lessons as is contained in the IMPORTED holy books - Bible & Koran.


Selam!
Shalom!!
Peace!!!

Shollypopzz:
@taryour: You do realize that your post puts the entire responsibility of ensuring a good MIL/DIL relationship on the DIL. She has to overlook, she has to take the meddling, she has to be patient, she has to take the insults, she has to do this, she has to do that. Do you find anything faulty with that mindset?


BTW, the whole DIL will soon be MIL argument, is the most foolish argument I have heard. No one is denying the fact that there are good MILs out there but we also acknowledge that there are MILs that are far from good. I would expect that a DIL who had a terrible experience with her MIL will be better in dealing with her future DIL because she knows what to do and what not to.

Nigerian culture has helped the intolerable nature of some MILs and there is no denying that.

Yea right. Listen to yourself and hear what you say.

Now I have just 3 question for you.

** If YOUR OWN MOTHER where to act as your mother inlaw does what will you do to YOUR MOTHER

** I want to believe you grew up with your mother, please how was your paternal grandmother treated by YOUR MOTHER as a daughter inlaw she was then

** lastly, while growing up. On each occasion you had quarrels,misunderstandings with YOUR MOTHER,even up till now. What were your reactions then Did you talk back at YOUR MOTHER Beat her up? Slap her? Throw her out of your room? Call her a witch? E.t.c

Shiningmama:



I had similar experience too. How my MIL was advising me to be pounding yam for my husband to take to office so that he won't look outside. She gave example of how she will roast a whole chicken and she and her husband will eat and merry then. I was just laughing when she was telling me. She asked me why I was laughing and I told her that sebi despite all the roasting of chicken and merriment her husband still went ahead and married another woman.
She just kept she didn't know what to say again. I begged her sha for laughing. I wasn't expecting her to say such things when she knows all her own pampering and merry merry didn't stopped her husband.

Bwhahahahahahahahahaha!! *DIES*

You are evil!

Shiningmama:



I had similar experience too. How my MIL was advising me to be pounding yam for my husband to take to office so that he won't look outside. She gave example of how she will roast a whole chicken and she and her husband will eat and merry then. I was just laughing when she was telling me. She asked me why I was laughing and I told her that sebi despite all the roasting of chicken and merriment her husband still went ahead and married another woman.
She just kept she didn't know what to say again. I begged her sha for laughing. I wasn't expecting her to say such things when she knows all her own pampering and merry merry didn't stopped her husband.

Hahaha ur mouth sef,

It's all about being playful.

Some of them can be so unreasonable.

Wen my husband took me to london without informing his family , his mum called and asked to speak with me, I was thinking she wants to congratulate me but wat I heard was " do u know I own dat peni*s that u ran to in London"?

I froze, I quickly apologised and made excuses for not informing her , after much petting she calmed down and started demanding for plenty grand kids

taryour:

Yea right. Listen to yourself and hear what you say.

LMAO! Don't be r*etarded. I am NOT going to make this argument personal. I don't know why you're in your feelings, calm down and have an argument on the subject and not my personal experience.



Below, is my earlier post to you. If you can't be rational, please don't reply.

@taryour: You do realize that your post puts the entire responsibility of ensuring a good MIL/DIL relationship on the DIL. She has to overlook, she has to take the meddling, she has to be patient, she has to take the insults, she has to do this, she has to do that. Do you find anything faulty with that mindset?

Shollypopzz:


LMAO! Don't be r*etarded. I am NOT going to make this argument personal. I don't know why you're in your feelings, calm down and have an argument on the subject and not my personal experience.



Below, is my earlier post to you. If you can't be rational, please don't reply.

You are yet to answer the questions I asked you.


And beside the logic is simple and still remains.
* if you CAN'T love,tolerate,respect and care for your mother inlaw like she were your own mother then DO NOT marry the man*

You can not marry a man with out his family most especially his mother. And same goes to men, a man ca not marry his wife without her family.

taryour:


You are yet to answer the questions I asked you.

And you are yet to have a brain. I guess we're stuck

bebe2:

Hahaha ur mouth sef,
It's all about being playful.
Some of them can be so unreasonable.

Wen my husband took me to london without informing his family , his mum called and asked to speak with me, I was thinking she wants to congratulate me but wat I heard was "do u know I own dat peni*s that u ran to in London"?

I froze, I quickly apologised and made excuses for not informing her , after much petting she calmed down and started demanding for plenty grand kids

all you young brides flying to meet the pënis in london, dia ris God o.

Shollypopzz:


And you are yet to have a brain. I guess we're stuck

Hmmm, I see how much of a brain you have in your skull.


Its the same brainless head I have used in keeping my home together and also how to have a united relationship with my mother inlaw.

God bless my mother inlaw for me and keep her till old age. AMEN!!!

Shollypopzz:


Bwhahahahahahahahahaha!! *DIES*

You are evil!

Haba! Noooooo I am not evil. Infact she has two sons. She can't spend a day in my BIL's house but atleast she do spend 4 months with me every year. She wants us to worship her sons. Even those that married her daughters are the ones that go to market for them
If she visit my BIL, she will cook separate food for her son, the wife too will cook for her husband. The son will be forced to eat the two meals prepared by the two women in his life.
With all these she is still a nice woman to me, we don't have any "kanta" my own is just to listen to all she says.
Pls I am not evil at all ooo

bebe2:


Hahaha ur mouth sef,

It's all about being playful.

Some of them can be so unreasonable.

Wen my husband took me to london without informing his family , his mum called and asked to speak with me, I was thinking she wants to congratulate me but wat I heard was " do u know I own dat peni*s that u ran to in London"?

I froze, I quickly apologised and made excuses for not informing her , after much petting she calmed down and started demanding for plenty grand kids

It is all about being playful nowwww.
I believe you should preach what you practice.

Shiningmama:



Haba! Noooooo I am not evil. Infact she has two sons. She can't spend a day in my BIL's house but atleast she do spend 4 months with me every year. She wants us to worship her sons. Even those that married her daughters are the ones that go to market for them
If she visit my BIL, she will cook separate food for her son, the wife too will cook for her husband. The son will be forced to eat the two meals prepared by the two women in his life.
With all these she is still a nice woman to me, we don't have any "kanta" my own is just to listen to all she says.
Pls I am not evil at all ooo

Of course, I know. I meant that jokingly but I swear, I wouldn't have the balls to say what you said.

Shollypopzz:


Of course, I know. I meant that jokingly but I swear I wouldn't have the balls to say what you said.

To be candid, that was my first time of responding to all her "teaching" too because it was very funny too me. I wasn't expecting her to use that as an example honestly. The way she was saying it, grilling a full chicken and buying wine, how they will eat and dance. How she will take the children somewhere just for them to have fun.
Pls can you tell me what could still make the man to marry a second wife? And if you see this second woman oooo, she woowoo. She can't just stand with my MIL
I wish I could ask her some questions sef, but I don't want wahala.

taryour:


Hmmm, I see how much of a brain you have in your skull.

I don't like when women fight, so I am going to apologize first for saying you don't have a brain.

My initial post to you on the thread was in response to your original post. There was no "slapping" in your story neither were you talking about events that took place in your life. We don't have to personalize an argument to understand each other's stance on an issue or to come to a common ground on the subject.

After reading your post, I felt your story clearly put the responsibility of maintaining a good relationship between the two(MIL & DIL) on the DIL. I feel that if both women have the same mindset of tolerating, loving and accommodating each other's faults, their relationship will blossom even more.

"Do you find anything faulty with that mindset?" - My earlier question to you was to find out where you're coming from logically and not to cause war.

Shiningmama:


To be candid, that was my first time of responding to all her "teaching" too because it was very funny too me. I wasn't expecting her to use that as an example honestly. The way she was saying it, grilling a full chicken and buying wine, how they will eat and dance. How she will take the children somewhere just for them to have fun.
Pls can you tell me what could still make the man to marry a second wife? And if you see this second woman oooo, she woowoo. She can't just stand with my MIL
I wish I could ask her some questions sef, but I don't want wahala.

I doubt your MIL knows the answer to this question.

LoL @ "the second wife woowooo" Yeah, I am not sure you should either, she might take it the wrong way.

bebe2:


Hahaha ur mouth sef,

It's all about being playful.

Some of them can be so unreasonable

Wen my husband took me to london without informing his family , his mum called and asked to speak with me, I was thinking she wants to congratulate me but wat I heard was " do u know I own dat peni*s that u ran to in London"?

I froze, I quickly apologised and made excuses for not informing her , after much petting she calmed down and started demanding for plenty grand kids

The thread will not achieve much If the OP will not acknowledge the bolded.

Na wa. So person no fit come nairaland type that sons should maintain boundaries between their mothers and wives or that MILs should respect their DILs.that must be a very evil opinion
Smh.

Why the unnecessary catching of feelings? No offense.

I would assume that anyone especially if raised in Africa knows that respect for elders is non negotiable.so it goes without saying that before a lady is married, she knows she has to respect her MIL. (Of course there will be the exceptions to the rule)
Now does the MIL know that her DIL is a human being with feelings too? Is it wrong to say a MIL should respect her DIL too?

Someone who can't slap her grown up daughter will raise hands to slap someone else's grown up daughter and we turn the girl into a witch because she reacted.

I don't know the last time my parents hit me. Maybe as a teenager in my early teens.
After that if you do something wrong, they will tell you "you're now an adult. Do you want to be flogged or slapped like a child before you learn"
Most people here didn't even get hit by their parents but then somehow it is ok to get hit by parents-in-law.

You guys can keep pretending that such problems don't exist or that it is only the duty of the DIL to bear all but the problem won't go anywhere with such attitude.

Taryour pls I'm not trying to rain on your parade, your story is sweet and teaches tolerance which I'm an advocate of BTW but it is as unbalanced as they come. And the fact that you were already expecting someone to attack you for it is funny.
Who no like sweet story
For the girl looking for poison to kill her MIL, I don't have any words. Shey she no fit leave the man if it is that bad.
Anyone with a brain will agree she's evil. so what's the lesson? Don't try to kill your MIL?

Well she can try and end up in jail for the rest of your life. Or be killed too. (He who lives by the sword dies by the sword)


If only nairaland is A place where people can share different opinions without things getting heated up and some people with agenda and issues making derogatory remarks about other people's families and how they were raised just because they have different opinions.

Shiningmama:



I had similar experience too. How my MIL was advising me to be pounding yam for my husband to take to office so that he won't look outside. She gave example of how she will roast a whole chicken and she and her husband will eat and merry then. I was just laughing when she was telling me. She asked me why I was laughing and I told her that sebi despite all the roasting of chicken and merriment her husband still went ahead and married another woman.
She just kept she didn't know what to say again. I begged her sha for laughing. I wasn't expecting her to say such things when she knows all her own pampering and merry merry didn't stopped her husband.

I can tell you your MIL is a nice woman.

Some would have taken serious offense at that question.

Me I for just sit down listen. And say thank you at the end. No questions asked.

The truth is that There will always be bad DILs and bad MIL.

Isn't strange that the mom or aunt We all know is difficult to flow with is suddenly elevated to the status of a saint once a wife is married into the family?

Isn't it strange to expect a wife to get along with a MIL in a year or two when her family couldn't get along with her in 30, 40yrs?

The treat your MIL like your mother thingy rarely applies; you most likely treat her better than your mother to get the same kind of relationship you get with your mom.

And yes, an average MIL doesn't treat her daughter or SIL the way she treats her DIL. Obviously, she doesn't want her daughter's home to scatter! Lol!

The Bible is clear; the (wo)man leaves his parents and cleave to his wife/husband. If either party is not ready to stick to that, speak up on the wedding day or don't get married.

Liked my cousin's wedding vows; the church in their wisdom and experience put 'no MIL... mIsrael asunder What God has joined together'

A woman is only rightfully the Queen in one place... her marital home. Please when she is outside There, she should bend to the rules of wherever she is and If she is not comfortable, she can leave to her palace and continue her reign.

Loved Madcow's views on that other MIL tread.

I know There are Some DILs that are bad and want to alienate the husband from his family... that should be treated on a case by case basis

If We are to flow with treat your MIL like your mother, well my mother loved me from time and I don't have to do gymnastics to please her or swallow poo from her. The duty of maintaining Good DIL MIL lies on the both of them with the MIL taking the first step afteral, a mother loves the child first.

The way the hubby presents his wife also matters. If you notice your family doesn't respect your wife, step fast into the situation.

I was taught taught you extend the respect of your relative to their spouse as they are one and it works alot. It is not your relative's spouse that would be jumping for acceptance.

The men here should fear God. I remember the FIL tread where the FIL gave the daughter a car because she has issues with her husband and he seized her car. I still remember. The uproar There.

Fear God. Remember the golden rule

Sorry for the long post.

Good Friday peeps.

Tayour, thank you for this thread, what a breath of fresh air. Very well said.

Well what can I say @ end time advices on here; You can only give what you have so You can't give what you don't have. If you respect your own parent at home then respecting any adult won't be a chore, it's inbred no story.

And misery they say loves company.

@Bebe2, your story reminds me of a sister I used to share my mind with, but it took me a while to figure out how frustrated she was in her marriage. Everytime I show her or tell her about my MIL, her replies are always laced with negativies, like; 'Mmm be careful oh, they are all the same my dear, why would you allow her to cook in your kitchen, you have to create boundaries oh or she'll get too comfortable , be careful oh, it's too much, you're giving her the wrong impression and blah blah blah' I stopped calling her and that was it.

I just wanted to say this before I leave.

Relationship goes both ways. Any form of relationship can only flourish if both party put in work. MIL and DIL in most cases are forced relationships that would not have happened if not for the common piece (the son/husband).
The problem with some MILs is their response to the DIL during courtship. They unintentionally or intentionally put it in the minds of the DIL that she's not liked.
The issue is the way you and I treat someone that likes us is different from the way we treat someone we know doesn't. It would be much easier for DILs to tolerate MILs shortcomings if they knew it was NOT coming from a malicious place.

For those saying, would the DIL treat her mother that way?? They are ignoring the fact that the DIL is aware that her mother loves her.
Let's make this simple, if a close friend of yours critiques your marriage, your response to the critique is more of acceptance but if someone you don't really know or someone you always fight with at work critiques your marriage, your reaction is going to be different. It's basic human nature/relationship 101.

Relationship is like a bridge between two people. The stronger the relationship, the stronger the bridge. If my relationship with you is strong, I can roll over heavy truths, meaner critiques and wider boundaries without being scared that the bridge is going to collapse under the weight of my words, critique or actions. Some MILs are too to quick throw harsh criticisms to their DILs before they have taken the time to build a strong bridge.

It's NOT insane to ask a DIL to put in all the work in hopes that her MIL retaliates. What is insane, is saying that is the way it should be done.