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Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Family / Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! (8158 Views)
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Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by OluwaChinenyenwa: 8:07am On Apr 16, 2015 |
Amybijou:Thank you ![]() |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by pickabeau1: 8:13am On Apr 16, 2015 |
OluwaChinenyenwa: Ok.. at least she was not the me and my husband type of woman Maybe she should have still reached out though but that is neither here nor there as water has passed under the bridge
So in even in his old age, he wants no reconciliation with his aged parents and will jeopardise his daughter's chances of happiness OK I reiterate however: There is nothing wrong in doing Trad in the fathers place Children are named through the fathers in Africa Modernity is why mothers family has so much influence nowadays Even among the Igbos if I remember correctly, Okonkwo was exiled after the death of his adopted son and spent those years in his mom's place It was not his first choice Even in the Bible Jacob married in his mothers place (Laban) because he has committed a grave sin against his brother Marrying in your mothers traditional place is not the ideal I wish you the best however 1 Like |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by Nobody: 8:15am On Apr 16, 2015 |
OluwaChinenyenwa: You are always welcome dear. |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by OluwaChinenyenwa: 9:05am On Apr 16, 2015 |
pickabeau1:Thanks much.. However, with the comments about walking away on this thread, i just realised maybe this woman doesnt like me much. Met her just once and it wasnt a wonderful experience... Thanks once again.. |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by pickabeau1: 9:36am On Apr 16, 2015 |
OluwaChinenyenwa: I think It is too premature for that conclusion as you don't know her so well Is your fiancé an only child? |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by amokeme(f): 11:02am On Apr 16, 2015 |
OluwaChinenyenwa:what if he doesn't? be positive too. |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by mcdokwe(m): 11:22am On Apr 16, 2015 |
OluwaChinenyenwa:the argument that your dad was cast out might not hold water and is suspect. It might be linked to a more serious thing which could have been squealed to her. She is depending on your refusal to come home to confirm that and make her objections towards the marriage more prominent. In Africa, traditional marriages are seen as the ultimate, my advice would be that since it isn't you that was cast out and the reason your dad isn't accepted in his home isn't grave, make arrangements to do the traditional rites if you love him enough and then carry on. You wouldn't want him to be rejected by his family too so that the chain continues down to your children, would you? 6 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by oloyede252(m): 11:23am On Apr 16, 2015 |
fo0lish people everywhere.@op your parent want white wedding-- his parent want traditional wedding--- your parent want the wedding in london his parent want the wedding in their hometown your parent dont want to come to their hometown his parent dont want to come to london for d wedding so what is absurd cos am stil finding it hard to qualify your conclusion and how is dat not reasonable Not to forget you call him a mommy's boy?nd u dad nd mom girl. Fo0lish people everywhere. Nd to those writing story for d gods pls file for divorce nd stop dish out your stupidity. Fo0lish people everywhere |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by SAMBARRY: 11:27am On Apr 16, 2015 |
Your mil is already giving you a preamble or introduction to how overbearing she will be. Exercise your power of choice to either go ahead with the marriage and be ready for ![]() Ww ![]() or walk away |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by freecocoa(f): 11:30am On Apr 16, 2015 |
I, for one, won't marry someone who doesn't know his roots. There's just something off about it. 5 Likes |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by SAMBARRY: 11:33am On Apr 16, 2015 |
OluwaChinenyenwa:Need I say more. Op you're on your own. Nobody will make decisions for you. If you enter you already know what to expect |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by crackhaus: 12:09pm On Apr 16, 2015 |
So let me get this straight: - Your father, an only son, was disowned for marrying your mother. - Your father, despite being an only son, stood his ground and turned on his own family instead of trying to make peace with them all these years. - Now you want to get married, your father literally has no kin or hometown to join in celebrations as they give you out in marriage. - Your intending MIL, who sounds like a very traditional woman, is insisting that you do your traditional marriage in Nigeria. - Your father knowing that he doesn't have a hometown to go back to, refuses the request. - Instead of your father making the attempt and explaining to your intending MIL the circumstances, he is still headstrong and refuses to find a common ground. Truth be told, your MIL-to-be has not made any absurd request. People living in farther places like Canada and Australia go home or send representatives to stand in for them during the traditional rites, not to mention London that's in our backyard. So there's nothing absurd in her request, it's the normal thing...probably she may have even investigated your family and is using this to confirm. Don't think about doing the traditional marriage in your mother's hometown either...your mother is not a divorcee and your father is alive and still married to her. All I can say to you Miss OluwaChinenyenwa is that this here is a classic case of "the sins of the father shall be visited on the children..." Your father successfully alienated himself from his own kinsmen, and probably didn't try making amends - now you are stuck in an almost similar predicament as well. Do not make the same mistake your father did. If he can't step in to explain to your fiance's people and try to reach a compromise, which it seems is something he would not even do given his antecedents of being headstrong, then you have no business marrying that guy. I'm sorry to say, but you either choose to forget this marriage and move on...or you appeal to your father to act as a mediator on your behalf in reaching out to your fiance's family so they can come to an understanding. Your intending MIL is completely and absolutely right in her request (even though her true intentions might be sketchy)... your father is not a European (passport-holding or not), he is a Nigerian who should/must have traceable roots and that is the way we do things. Cheers! 16 Likes |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by oyibo4real: 1:26pm On Apr 16, 2015 |
crackhaus: 2 Likes |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by Ewuro4: 2:02pm On Apr 16, 2015 |
OluwaChinenyenwa: My dear, friend had a similar case and let me tell you that she took it upon herself to search for her paternal grandparents in Nigeria. Her father wasn't even aware of his folks demise, this young lady met her grand aunts and her cousins. Even though they aren't that buoyant, they didn't ask for anything and still blessed her Union and that was it. Do this if you can but if it's too much and mama is adamant on her quest, then ask your maternal grandparents. As a parent , I want to know my kid spouses' roots as well so I don't think she's asking for too much. I wish you best of luck. You need it. ![]() 2 Likes |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by kaboninc(m): 2:23pm On Apr 16, 2015 |
pickabeau1: You ask too many unnecessary and irrelevant questions. Hope am not the first to tell you.... ![]() crackhaus: Miss OluwaChinenyenwa I wanted to say (or write) something but this guy up there, did it for me. You better know that you have a root, and your root has a culture and that culture is your identity. Like Ewuro4 said, maybe you can try finding relatives from your paternal ancestry. They could help with answers as to why your dad is not in good terms with his family. 3 Likes |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by pickabeau1: 2:49pm On Apr 16, 2015 |
kaboninc It seems you are suffering from diarrhea of the brain Last I checked.. u were not paying for my data If its worrying you, you can jump into the lagoon 2 Likes |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by kaboninc(m): 3:05pm On Apr 16, 2015 |
pickabeau1: ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() No be only you waka come ni. ![]() That person wey like your comment follow you come. Okay... That's all. [size=18pt]But I said the damn truthhh[/size] Deal with it bro.... ![]() ![]() ![]() 4 Likes |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by pickabeau1: 3:07pm On Apr 16, 2015 |
kaboninc: You said nothing dude All the smileys indicate your obtuseness just drop it and move on with your tail btw your legs |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by kaboninc(m): 3:14pm On Apr 16, 2015 |
pickabeau1: In as much as you try with your fuming mad anger to cancel my comments, you couldn't cancel this: ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() [size=18pt]Instead, you bind them together like they bind witches in your village.[/size] I do not want to derail this thread. So this is my last comment to you. We'll meet some other time but do know I 'r'ove 'l'ou so much that I'm bold enough to tell you your weakness. I wish someone will do same to me. ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Ciao! 2 Likes |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by pickabeau1: 3:49pm On Apr 16, 2015 |
who is this stalker ![]() |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by cococandy(f): 3:54pm On Apr 16, 2015 |
OluwaChinenyenwa:Well ask her first if she would be fine with representatives coming to stand in for you and your fiancé. If she agrees to that, then probably she has no other motives. If you ask me, I wouldn't even suspect her of any other motives than that she would like to really know the family her son is marrying from. Which is not a bad thing. Like some folks suggested, you can also ask your dad to help you locate his family. I really don't want to sound like I'm being rude to your dad but Na wa for him sha. Will he insist on not talking to his people even if it affects his kids? his family members too are hard of heart. Your mom's only sin was being from another tribe yet until now that you're adult probably over two decades old,they won't relate with him for marrying her. Such deep tribal hatred. What of his mom your grandma? She let her son go forever just for marrying a woman from another tribe? At least they say mother's love is strong abi? Hmm Pls don't judge your fiancé's mom harshly. I would be worried if my son was marrying from a line of such heart hardened folks. If your dad and his folks won't make up, your only choice is your mom's folks. That's could be the only solution for you. Or will you keep leaving Fiancé after Fiancé? Unless you marry a non-african, most men you meet will want a traditional marriage. 3 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by bukatyne(f): 4:01pm On Apr 16, 2015 |
pickabeau1: How can the mother reach out when the father is not in good terms? Is she trying to prove that she is a 'good' wife? She can only appeal to her husband and if he doesn't bulge, na OYO be that 1 Like |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by pickabeau1: 4:01pm On Apr 16, 2015 |
ok bukatyne: |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by bukatyne(f): 4:23pm On Apr 16, 2015 |
@OP: Your MIL is not wrong asking for a traditional wedding: From your posts, there seems to be two issues: a. Your MIL wants you both to come to Nigeria to do it b. Your dad is not in good terms with his family so you do not know where to do it. A. Is your MIL open to doing it abroad? Is she open to people representing you both or doing without you? Or must it be in Nigeria? If it must be in Nigeria, must it be your father's place? Can you do it at your parents' current location (Yorubas are generally not hung up on bride's village; it's more of bride's parent location) B. Is your dad open to re-engaging his parents? |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by jnrprof(m): 4:27pm On Apr 16, 2015 |
Last time i checked, in yoruba culture its the bride's family that calls the shots for the wedding. Let your parents tell your MIL that the traditional wedding is taking place in London and that's that! OluwaChinenyenwa: 2 Likes |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by Miami11: 4:42pm On Apr 16, 2015 |
Hire some people to act as your dads people smh Or get family friends to act as your father's kin My mother in law was hell bent on having one as she even said I was from the wrong tribe as she says pretending to be her tribe My paternal families also did not accept my mum So my traditional had only my moms side families and it worked and dad Only you and hubby decide what you want. |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by hahn(m): 5:23pm On Apr 16, 2015 |
OluwaChinenyenwa: Leave. You deserve a real man, not a mama's boy. Unless the mother is going to sponsor the whole trip to your town and back to London plus everything that has to do with the trad. However, if you follow through with her wishes don't be surprised when you come back home one day and find your kids with tribal marks ![]() |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by taryour(f): 5:31pm On Apr 16, 2015 |
OluwaChinenyenwa: No it is NOT absurd.. Nigeria ia your country and your fatherland. Its your fathers country and fatherland either he was cut off by his father or not. You still related to them by blood and nothing will change that. Come home to your fatherland and do your traditional wedding ( it can be on a very low key ) let your dowry be paid. Either you do that or you walk out. The engagement doesn't have to be done in your father side or mother side. You can get a small hall or open filed anywhere in lagos and have it done. 2 Likes |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by capricun: 6:04pm On Apr 16, 2015 |
OluwaChinenyenwa: This one never ready to marry. You don't need the advice 4 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by Nobody: 6:57pm On Apr 16, 2015 |
First off your dad is right. Culturally you are Yoruba and you are the bride. You determine the location of the traditional. Your mother-in-law knows this since your fiancé is Yoruba too. So her instance on trad in Nigeria when culturally 'awon na wa toro iyawo' has veiled meaning. Your dad maybe hard hearted but that issue with his family was his decision. Your mum in law does not want to have her son marry into a family whose Yoruba relatives she does not see or know. I don't think using your marriage to force your dads hand to reconcile with his roots is reasonable of her. It was her son who made the decision to get back with you and marry you. You and your fiance need to sit down and talk about your future without parental influence or else these scenarios will come up in the future. If you do decide to reach out to your dads side do it because you want to get to know them. But brace yourself though you may be in for some strong issues that your dad may not want to clarify 4 Likes |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by bennyrazz: 8:04pm On Apr 16, 2015 |
OluwaChinenyenwa:whichever way it goes, I would like you to learn one thing which is "humility". 2 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Soon To Be Mother In Law Insists On Traditional Marriage!!! by taryour(f): 8:05pm On Apr 16, 2015 |
capricun: I tell you. And am not surprised at all. And this is how the resentment and unnecessary defense starts. Soon we will here how it turned out physical with your mother inlaw. For the LOVE OF GOD young lady you are yet to be married and you already carrying this dirty and nasty thought up in your head. Its just so so unfortunate. Good luck to you in your quest. 3 Likes |
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