johnny1980:
Looks more like she is happy with the situation and may have even encouraged him to abstain because if i were a girl and my man would part and be disowned by his parents because of me, then i don't think i can ever have peace of mind knowing the premise of my relationship to someone has brought extreme damage to what should be revered .

No matter what your parent did, you may not be on good terms, but totally alienating them because of choice of tribe of your bride for decades is highly disturbing. I would fear such man if i were to be the lady and may not even go through with the marriage.

I know the mum would always give a tales by moonlight story to her daughter on how she "tried" to mediate but we all know that's a big fat lie. She must have even fuelled it more or the story isn't complete because i can't wrap my mind around this. Except maybe her dad's mum was divorced from the Father prior to the wedding and he was brought up by his mum and was mal treated by his dad's family while growing up and the mum is currently dead. But even at that, the mum must have had sisters, brothers, uncles and stuff he could call his own.

There's more to this than meets the eyes. I wish her luck and happiness though.

SMH.....you just have to fault the woman because the man refused to settle with his family. How are you sure she never did her best to ensure that her husband went back to his people? Please don't say what you don't know.

jumzzy448:


SMH.....you just have to fault the woman because the man refused to settle with his family. How are you sure she never did her best to ensure that her husband went back to his people? Please don't say what you don't know.

There's a MAY in my write up which means probable. Don't jump into conclusions and i am not blaming her but i don't totally also buy that story that she tried.

Even if she did, her trial was not good enough because seeing that she was his sweetheart and lover to the point he was ready to face the wrath of his parents(do you know what a parent means, both parents mum and dad, not just his dad alone or some family members) shows she has some high level of control over him and would have definitely succeeded if she had tried. I DOUBT she tried given the circumstances.

I am dating outside my tribe and if peradventure my parents do not agree. If i should tell my partner, i know for sure she would tell me to continue to pray and speak to elders to be able to sort things out on my behalf else no marriage. She won't tell me to face their wrath because she has parents also and know how heady some parents can be.

Even if the marriage proceeded. This is more than 20years since it happened and for an only child not to have looked back and just check on his parents is callous by both the husband and wife. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENED.


I don't wish her bad. But seriously her parents f.ucked up big time. She should just look for a way around. I wish her all the luck in the world. She needs it.

johnny1980:
Looks more like she is happy with the situation and may have even encouraged him to abstain because if i were a girl and my man would part and be disowned by his parents because of me, then i don't think i can ever have peace of mind knowing the premise of my relationship to someone has brought extreme damage to what should be revered .

No matter what your parent did, you may not be on good terms, but totally alienating them because of choice of tribe of your bride for decades is highly disturbing. I would fear such man if i were to be the lady and may not even go through with the marriage.

I know the mum would always give a tales by moonlight story to her daughter on how she "tried" to mediate but we all know that's a big fat lie. She must have even fuelled it more or the story isn't complete because i can't wrap my mind around this. Except maybe her dad's mum was divorced from the Father prior to the wedding and he was brought up by his mum and was mal treated by his dad's family while growing up and the mum is currently dead. But even at that, the mum must have had sisters, brothers, uncles and stuff he could call his own.

There's more to this than meets the eyes. I wish her luck and happiness though.

I see your point

OluwaChinenyenwa:
Nope.. She said it must be in Nigeria, my dad said if there should be any trad, it must be in London, which is our current location i.e my family as a whole..

And nope.. My dad is not open for any reconcillation whatsoever, reasons best known to him..

Can you talk to your dad that he can rent a hall in Lagos, invite his in-laws and his family members he is friendly with and do a trad?

On a side note, have you prayed and been convinced that this man is your husband?

This difference might be a sign you are not meant to be

johnny1980:
Looks more like she is happy with the situation and may have even encouraged him to abstain because if i were a girl and my man would part and be disowned by his parents because of me, then i don't think i can ever have peace of mind knowing the premise of my relationship to someone has brought extreme damage to what should be revered .

No matter what your parent did, you may not be on good terms, but totally alienating them because of choice of tribe of your bride for decades is highly disturbing. I would fear such man if i were to be the lady and may not even go through with the marriage.

I know the mum would always give a tales by moonlight story to her daughter on how she "tried" to mediate but we all know that's a big fat lie. She must have even fuelled it more or the story isn't complete because i can't wrap my mind around this. Except maybe her dad's mum was divorced from the Father prior to the wedding and he was brought up by his mum and was mal treated by his dad's family while growing up and the mum is currently dead. But even at that, the mum must have had sisters, brothers, uncles and stuff he could call his own.

There's more to this than meets the eyes. I wish her luck and happiness though.

You are not a girl now, are you?

What kind of parents also check out from their only child?

I thought one party should be the 'bigger' person?

If the son is heady, couldn't the parents use wisdom to reconcile? Not necessarily going cap in hand.

I know the mum would always give a tales by moonlight story to her daughter on how she "tried" to mediate but we all know that's a big fat lie. She must have even fuelled it more

@johnny1980. Really?
There was may in your post?
Read your post again.

See them itching to pass the blame onto the woman. She wasn't there when this man was born. If he and his parents can throw away all their years of growing up together and so called family love because he married someone they didn't like, I don't see why the blame should come on the woman for their refusal to love themselves as families are supposed to do.

I agree with you. It is her fault that their family bond means nothing to them.

crackhaus:
So let me get this straight:

- Your father, an only son, was disowned for marrying your mother.

- Your father, despite being an only son, stood his ground and turned on his own family instead of trying to make peace with them all these years.

- Now you want to get married, your father literally has no kin or hometown to join in celebrations as they give you out in marriage.

- Your intending MIL, who sounds like a very traditional woman, is insisting that you do your traditional marriage in Nigeria.

- Your father knowing that he doesn't have a hometown to go back to, refuses the request.

- Instead of your father making the attempt and explaining to your intending MIL the circumstances, he is still headstrong and refuses to find a common ground.

Truth be told, your MIL-to-be has not made any absurd request.
People living in farther places like Canada and Australia go home or send representatives to stand in for them during the traditional rites, not to mention London that's in our backyard.
So there's nothing absurd in her request, it's the normal thing...probably she may have even investigated your family and is using this to confirm.
Don't think about doing the traditional marriage in your mother's hometown either...your mother is not a divorcee and your father is alive and still married to her.

All I can say to you Miss OluwaChinenyenwa is that this here is a classic case of "the sins of the father shall be visited on the children..."
Your father successfully alienated himself from his own kinsmen, and probably didn't try making amends - now you are stuck in an almost similar predicament as well.

Do not make the same mistake your father did.
If he can't step in to explain to your fiance's people and try to reach a compromise, which it seems is something he would not even do given his antecedents of being headstrong, then you have no business marrying that guy.

I'm sorry to say, but you either choose to forget this marriage and move on...or you appeal to your father to act as a mediator on your behalf in reaching out to your fiance's family so they can come to an understanding.

Your intending MIL is completely and absolutely right in her request (even though her true intentions might be sketchy)... your father is not a European (passport-holding or not), he is a Nigerian who should/must have traceable roots and that is the way we do things.

Cheers!

so how much are u paying for everyone of them to fly back and have a traditional ceremony just to please one person who is neither the bride or the groom?

its only fair for the traditional wedding to be held back in Nigeria provided that the person who demands for it caters for the travelling expenses and the ceremony, simple!

bukatyne:


You are not a girl now, are you?

What kind of parents also check out from their only child?

I thought one party should be the 'bigger' person?

If the son is heady, couldn't the parents use wisdom to reconcile? Not necessarily going cap in hand.

i am not a girl but i am human and believe humans no MATTER the gender have same thinking faculties and should know what is morally right and wrong and know where to draw a line.


You must be far removed from African culture. It's the child that needs the parent's blessing not the other way round. I understand both have made mistakes but the onus is on the kid to convince his parents to see reason in the decision he was about to make even if it didn't suit them. Even if they cast him out and disowned him, the last he could have done was to go back a few years later with elders when the frayed nerves were calm to sooth things.

But that's another story. Now she needs those family members. Her mil needs a wedding her kit and kin can attend here in Nigeria. Any suggestions because i am blank on how to achieve that?

cococandy:
[b][/b]

@johnny1980. Really?
There was may in your post?
Read your post again.

See them itching to pass the blame onto the woman. She wasn't there when this man was born. If he and his parents can throw away all their years of growing up together and so called family love because he married someone they didn't like, I don't see why the blame should come on the woman for their refusal to love themselves as families are supposed to do.

I agree with you. It is her fault that their family bond means nothing to them.

You would do well to eschew from your normal gender wars. I was responding to what pickabeau1 posted asking the lady on what her mum did to change the dad's mind as regards the issue. I.e her own side of the story.

I am not petty like you to be pushing a gender war or sort of it on here. The blame for the actions lies on both parties. They are married and one now. However, It's her difference in tribe that brought up the issue and i would definitely ask why she didn't do more than enough to help soothe things over. I won't be loved and cherished so much to allow my husband alienate his parents because of my tribe without calling him to order. That's being just.

And as for the man. He made a terrible error of judgement. Yes, he has a choice to choose from whatever tribe he so wishes to marry from but nonetheless 20+ years is a long time not to check on your parents for such an issue. Infact it's absurd and i can't even wrap my heads around it except maybe they were just his foster parents or something else.


Can we please focus on helping this young lady now? I hope i have clarified my point enough now.

johnny1980:
i am not a girl but i am human and believe humans no MATTER the gender have same thinking faculties and should know what is morally right and wrong and know where to draw a line.


You must be far removed from African culture. It's the child that needs the parent's blessing not the other way round. I understand both have made mistakes but the onus is on the kid to convince his parents to see reason in the decision he was about to make even if it didn't suit them. Even if they cast him out and disowned him, the last he could have done was to go back a few years later with elders when the frayed nerves were calm to sooth things.

But that's another story. Now she needs those family members. Her mil needs a wedding her kit and kin can attend here in Nigeria. Any suggestions because i am blank on how to achieve that?

You were initially blaming the wife, remember?

I still insist that the parents should have made a move when their son was proving obstinate.

At solution: does the MIL know the father's relatives?

Bla bla bla.

You're helping her by making her mother out to be the wedge between their family reunion when you don't even know her.

Mtchew.

johnny1980:
You would do well to eschew from your normal gender wars. I was responding to what pickabeau1 posted asking the lady on what her mum did to change the dad's mind as regards the issue. I.e her own side of the story.

I am not petty like you to be pushing a gender war or sort of it on here. The blame for the actions lies on both parties. They are married and one now. However, It's her difference in tribe that brought up the issue and i would definitely ask why she didn't do more than enough to help soothe things over. I won't be loved and cherished so much to allow my husband alienate his parents because of my tribe without calling him to order. That's being just.

And as for the man. He made a terrible error of judgement. Yes, he has a choice to choose from whatever tribe he so wishes to marry from but nonetheless 20+ years is a long time not to check on your parents for such an issue. Infact it's absurd and i can't even wrap my heads around it except maybe they were just his foster parents or something else.


Can we please focus on helping this young lady now? I hope i have clarified my point enough now.

cococandy:
Bla bla bla.

You're helping her by making her mother out to be the wedge between their family reunion when you don't even know her.

Mtchew.

I would advise you stick to whatever backwater thread suits you or maybe the bandwagon threads where you scream, huff puff about imaginary gender wars instead of jumping from one thread to the other looking for a male to label as "blaming women for the world's ills" and looking for a fight.

I have a mum, sisters and lovely partner that I respect a lot and it would only be myopic to blame ladies for the world's ills

If you still don't get it. Here's my first post in response to picka on this this thread as regards what happened.

seriously i find what her dad and mum did very bad. Not trying to put blames on them but you can't even go back after all these years that the dispute has thawed. Yeah, what the parents did at that time was wrong but for her dad to not go back and see his parents who trained and gave birth to him and for the wife not to have nugged him to go settle the rift is so bad i have no other words but disgust to describe their actions. People dey this world. I swear.

Can you read slowly...So where was I solely blaming the mother.

Please next time, endeavor to drink chill water, take a deep breath and throw away your prejudices before commenting on threads. Thanks

What are you getting worked up for?

Mtchew.

johnny1980:


I would advise you stick to whatever backwater thread suits you or maybe the bandwagon threads where you scream, huff puff about imaginary gender wars instead of jumping from one thread to the other looking for a male to label as "blaming women for the world's ills" and looking for a fight.

I have a mum, sisters and lovely partner that I respect a lot and it would only be myopic to blame ladies for the world's ills

If you still don't get it. Here's my first post in response to picka on this this thread as regards what happened.



Can you read slowly...So where was I solely blaming the mother.

Please next time, endeavor to drink chill water, take a deep breath and throw away your prejudices before commenting on threads. Thanks

cococandy:
What are you getting worked up for?

Mtchew.

Getting worked up?

I should be the one asking you that. You have been caught of guard, instead of you to apologise that you were wrong and made a mistake like all well rounded people would do. You veer off trying to play childish mind games. Abeg yi owo trailer e danu.

johnny1980:


Getting worked up?

I should be the one asking you that. You have been caught of guard, instead of you to apologise that you were wrong and made a mistake like all well rounded people would do. You veer off trying to play childish mind games. Abeg yi owo trailer e danu.

my friend sharrap. Apologize to you for calling you out about smearing a woman you don't know because according to you in your words she MUST have fueled it more and is also telling her duaghter tales by moonlight. See medicine after death to save face .

^^^I guess you are looking for someone to go on the usual useless back and forth argument with you.

First you lack manners and secondly you are not worth having a meaningful discussion with. You can try the numerous trolls on this forum. . Am sure they would oblige your tomfoolery.

I would also advise you not to quote me anymore.

Moana:
so how much are u paying for everyone of them to fly back and have a traditional ceremony just to please one person who is neither the bride or the groom?

Waiting to see your point, if there was even any to start with.

crackhaus:

Waiting to see your point, if there was even any to start with.

point being its easier to give advise like that when you are not the one sponsoring the travelling costs and the ceremony costs.

Moana:
point being its easier to give advise like that when you are not the one sponsoring the travelling costs and the ceremony costs.

No one here is sponsoring the travel and ceremony costs, yet there have been four pages of advise from a lot of other people.

Is there a reason you singled me out?

crackhaus:

No one here is sponsoring the travel and ceremony costs, yet there have been four pages of advise from a lot of other people.

Is there a reason you singled me out?

cos you wrote a lengthy passionate post. Just wanted to know if you ever thought through the cost implication, before talking about the importance of tradition which only one person ,who is neither the bride or the groom, is so interested in following.