Hello. Firstly, I would like to preface this message by saying that I am not a Nigerian, I am from a Western country but am married to a Nigerian. Sometimes things can be taken out of context so I would like to say with absolute sincerity that I mean zero disrespect to anyone. I am just writing to gather extra thoughts and comments on my situation. My husband and I have not been married long, 2 years. We separated recently after an argument which involved him saying that his loyalty to his naija buddies was more important to him than his loyalty to me. This really breaks my heart, as I chose him for life, I put him first in every way, and he does not feel the same for me. And to make it worse, this friend is not a very close friend. He only calls when he is need of help. My question to you all is.. can this ever change and is it a Nigerian trait for a man to have more respect and loyalty to his friends or is this an individual choice? He is the love of my life and I do not wish to divorce, but I do not think it is too much to ask for a man to respect his wife and marriage.

Only a stupid man will take his friends over his wife. As for me, I throw my friends to the corner n give my wife her due attention. We r happier together. I'm sorry I don keep friends, they all have their return tickets to where they come from. My wife is my everything boy and I'll nevee place no friends above her

Your wife is a lucky lady. I would do anything to have that from my husband. Thank you very much for your post jascon1. So you are saying that it is not a Nigerian trait, it is a personal one? Also, I just realised that I am generalising. I know that there are many tribes in Nigeria, most of his friends are Yoruba and so is he. Not that it makes much difference, I don't think. Or does it? Does each tribe have different views on marriage and their wives?

i don't know where some guys get dis theory from...ur wife ought to b bfor anyoda person in ur lyf!!

Man's loyalty to friends has a boundary, while his loyalty to his wife has no boundaries.

I believed Man's loyalty to his friends has a boundary, while his loyalty to his wife has no boundaries.

Wow, these responses are not what I expected. Thank you everybody! I really love that quote. Again, thank you everybody. Now here is the hard question. Does anyone have any advice for me? I cannot find words to explain how much it hurts that a man would choose his friend over his family (we have children together). To me, marriage and family is a package deal. This friend wont be around in the next 10 years, I guarantee it!

I have another question as well. Would a proud man share photos etc of his wife and children on any social media site he is on? My husband looks like a single man on his. He has not shared one photo of anyone other than himself. I have a friend here who is also married to a lovely Nigerian man. You can see in an instant how proud he is to be married to his wife and he shows what a proud father he is. On my friends husbands Facebook account, there is nothing but photos of his family, wife and son. He treats her like a queen. It is really beautiful!

Everything in life is about balance
A man needs his friends just as he needs a wife same way he needs money same way he needs a career
A balanced man will make out time for his wife , his friends his work his hobbies, etc
They all hve a role in making him the man he is
The matter of what or who is more important must never arise
as a woman you must understand that he needs his friends as much as he needs you
Its insecurity that makes a woman want to know where she ranks in all this

it's childish to take ur freinds over ur wife

Bros before hoes, not bros before wife.

In as much as I belive a man should place his wife above his friend ,I also believe a man should never abandon his friends.Now friends means different things to different people fo those of us that have a very small circle fo true friends(introverts will know what I mean),they are very trusted ones who hve stood with us in austere times.I love my family but would never abandon my friend,because before my wife he has been there,my currrent friend has been with me since seconday school,jss2 to be precise and I am 29 naw...he holds a special place with me.

I completely understand what you guys are saying about the importance of your friends, and to an extent I agree that they are a very important part of our lives but if you have been in marriage counselling (which was helping) trying everything to make your marriage work and I am trying everything I can to make him happy (I always put him first), after all of my efforts, it feels all for nothing, because his friends will always come first. We are 32 with a beautiful family. He works and studies at university and I do everything that I can to support him. It seems as though no matter how much I put into the marriage, it is never going to be enough. He makes me feel very unimportant. I am the one that collects his drunk ass in the middle of the night when he has had too much to drink or picks him up and drops him off anywhere he needs to go because he car has died, even though we have 3 children to look after, he always comes first. His friends are not the ones who look out for him the way that a wife does. It is me. Why does loyalty to me not count?

Any views or advice really helps. Thanks again.

My candid advise is that you should be patient with him. In his heart he places you first but your curiosity to know why he did what he is doing has made you to write up this thread. Yorubas are caring and loving tribe in Nigeria. There are many westerners and Asians who have married the yorubas since 1988 and still living happily uptill date. So, exercise patient and you will see he places you first and not Friend

Thank you for your advice Kaybiel2u. I will take your advice on board. Much appreciated.

Lol thank God for once thr r matured responses in this thread. If to say na nigerian lady post this thing.. The needful would hav been done

BUTCHCASSIDY:
Everything in life is about balance
A man needs his friends just as he needs a wife same way he needs money same way he needs a career
A balanced man will make out time for his wife , his friends his work his hobbies, etc
They all hve a role in making him the man he is
The matter of what or who is more important must never arise
as a woman you must understand that he needs his friends as much as he needs you
Its insecurity that makes a woman want to know where she ranks in all this

best comment here u have said it all

It all depends on the understanding and mutual connection you both have for each other... I might be wrong but check your self, there's something you stopped doing. .. Something your husband loved at the very beginning when you guys first met that has now warranted his sudden withdrawal from you. .. .

And also, it seems you're feeling really insecure about your relationship but sincerely whether he cares about you or his friends more, just bear it in mind that no matter what, he first priority would also be you and not any one else

Just my two cents...

shouldnt be so, one shouldnt mistake the bond of family to the loyalty of friendship.

Forgive me for not explaining properly. I was trying to get answers without giving too much personal information away. I have realised that I have made it sound as if he has to choose between me or his friends. This is not the case at all. Long story short, a situation arose where I knew something deceitful was going on, I could feel it. Usually that meant he was cheating, but I was not sure this was the case. His different behaviour was an alarm but I thought I would be patient and wait for everything to unfold on its own. When I learned that there had been something going on around me, and he had a chance to prove himself trustworthy (as he has not been in the past) he chose to be loyal to his friend instead of honest and loyal to me when this was the biggest thing destroying our marriage. Lies and deception, and he knew how important it was for me to be able to trust him in order to save the marriage. I am still not explaining myself properly but I am trying. Forgive me. That is about the best I can do for now. Bare with me.

Crystal83:
Forgive me for not explaining properly. I was trying to get answers without giving too much personal information away. I have realised that I have made it sound as if he has to choose between me or his friends. This is not the case at all. Long story short, a situation arose where I knew something deceitful was going on, I could feel it. Usually that meant he was cheating, but I was not sure this was the case. His different behaviour was an alarm but I thought I would be patient and wait for everything to unfold on its own. When I learned that there had been something going on around me, and he had a chance to prove himself trustworthy (as he has not been in the past) he chose to be loyal to his friend instead of honest and loyal to me when this was the biggest thing destroying our marriage. Lies and deception, and he knew how important it was for me to be able to trust him in order to save the marriage. I am still not explaining myself properly but I am trying. Forgive me. That is about the best I can do for now. Bare with me.

If I get you well. . This "friend" is a female right?

If am correct, it might be that your husband has been snatched from you since he's now aggressive all of a sudden.. .

Try talking to him-emotionally... Profess your love to him.... Remind him all there is to say about the love you both shared... Also try complaining to his parents. .. . I think these should work else... .





Hmmm


But please don't beg him to come back to you out of pity... Good luck

The friend was a male friend. Thank you for your advice. How would I approach his parents with this exactly though?

Crystal83:
The friend was a male friend. Thank you for your advice. How would I approach his parents with this exactly though?

Most Nigerian men fear and respect their parents. ... When you go to meet them, there's nothing better than saying things the way they are. ... Speak the truth... Explain everything to them and finally plead with them to talk to their son for your sake.. .

The way his parents responds to you should tell you what is going on... If they sound deeply sorry and apologetic then it means they don't know what your husband is up to, but if they are unmoved and hard to you, then miss, am sure they must have talked about finding a replacement for their son which must have warranted to his attitude....

Thanks ma'am

Crystal83:
Your wife is a lucky lady. I would do anything to have that from my husband. Thank you very much for your post jascon1. So you are saying that it is not a Nigerian trait, it is a personal one? Also, I just realised that I am generalising. I know that there are many tribes in Nigeria, most of his friends are Yoruba and so is he. Not that it makes much difference, I don't think. Or does it? Does each tribe have different views on marriage and their wives?

you're welcome! It is a personal thing. Not a tribal thing. It all depends on how a man has been raised and how exposed he is. Age n time as well remind us of how important our wives are in our lives. Tho, tribal influence also plays a big role as women r regarded as household items in some lands, but I've seen men from tribes where women are neglected treating their women like precious gems. I'll give u an example, a man who has bullied n maltreated women in the past meets a white lady n acts super sanely towards her. What do u call that? Without being educated on how to treat a foreign woman he natural understands that the white woman needs some good care n loving. He fakes it till it becomes a part of him. Another example is a man who has battered his wife for years happens to be transfered to a foreign land and then he completely stops that habit cos of fear of being jailed. What do u call that?
We all make our choices regardless of our roots. We believe loving n being so caring n close to our wives decreas the respect or our headship in the house. Tho, some women take advantage of a man's tenderness. A man who chooses friends over his wife knows for sure what he is doing, but he simply lets the devil take over him. Even the Bible says the way you treat ur wife can hinder our prayers. It also urges us to treat our wives like our own flesh.

Telling his parents our problems wont make matters worse? I have never brought his family into our issues.

I remember there was a time I was staying with my uncle, a preacher.during holidays. He had an argument with his wife one day, and I could remember feeling offended like why would she talk to my uncle the way she did. My own beloved uncle.

The next day on the pulpit, he spoke about How his wife was his rib, his backbone. That she knows him more than anybody in the world.

It taught me that I had No business getting offended on his behalf. They were best friends and she knew him more intimately in the 5 years they had been married than the twenty-three years he had been my uncle.

True, friends are important. But they shouldn't even be placed on same platform as your wife. Your wife is an extension of your own self and as a man, Let it be known to all and sundry that you do not joke with your wife.

Crystal83:
Telling his parents our problems wont make matters worse? I have never brought his family into our issues.

No it wouldn't.. . Depending on your manner of approach though..

Crystal83:

Hello. Firstly, I would like to preface this message by saying that I am not a Nigerian, I am from a Western country but am married to a Nigerian. Sometimes things can be taken out of context so I would like to say with absolute sincerity that I mean zero disrespect to anyone. I am just writing to gather extra thoughts and comments on my situation. My husband and I have not been married long, 2 years. We separated recently after an argument which involved him saying that his loyalty to his naija buddies was more important to him than his loyalty to me. This really breaks my heart, as I chose him for life, I put him first in every way, and he does not feel the same for me. And to make it worse, this friend is not a very close friend. He only calls when he is need of help. My question to you all is.. can this ever change and is it a Nigerian trait for a man to have more respect and loyalty to his friends or is this an individual choice? He is the love of my life and I do not wish to divorce, but I do not think it is too much to ask for a man to respect his wife and marriage.

I think you need to dump his sorry aass. Some guys needs to realise 'Bros before hoess' doesn't apply to your finance or wife. To answer your question. Most Nigeria guys (abroad) are not like that. Yours was an odd one.

@lolaluv1 Thank you for sharing that story with me. It was nice to hear.

@micktoxin Lol thanks!