By Sloane Bradshaw

At first it was easy for me to point every single finger and toe at my husband for obliterating our 10-year marriage. He's the one who cheated and walked out without looking back. And long before that, he repeatedly shut me out, choosing to bury himself in his work to avoid what was happening to us at home.
Blame was my coping mechanism to get through the first difficult months of our separation, and "how dare he (gasp!)" was my mantra. I rallied an entire army of supporters who, like me, were totally, utterly and completely aghast at the nerve -- the gall -- of this man.
Because obviously being a lying, cheating, family abandon-er trumps anything I did to our marriage in the past decade. Right?
Wrong.!!!

I deflected any and all culpability in the failure of my marriage for months, holding on to the picture I painted of myself as the gentle, selfless and long-suffering wife. It wasn't until I found a therapist who called me out on my bullsh*t that I was forced to take a long, hard look at my shortcomings.
It wasn't pretty.
Here's what I now know actually screwed up my marriage. May it serve as a warning to you. Before it's too late.


1. I put my children first.
It's easy to love your own children. It takes very little effort, and they adore you no matter what. Marriage is the polar opposite: it's work. And whenever my marriage started to feel like work, I would check out and head to Build-A-Bear Workshop or the science museum with the kids in tow. I'd often plan these adventures when I knew my husband couldn't go (and spoil my good time). I told myself it was OK because he preferred to work anyway and always seemed grouchy on family outings. I chose most nights to cuddle with them in our bed, blaming his late-night bedtimes and snoring for the sleeping arrangement. As a result, we were hardly alone together and never had kid-free date nights. Well, maybe once a year on our anniversary.

****** to be continued********

2. I didn't set (or enforce) boundaries with my parents.
They were at our house frequently, sometimes arriving unannounced and walking right in. They'd "help out" around the house doing things we never asked them to, like folding our laundry (incorrectly, of course). We'd vacation with them. They'd correct our children in front of us. My own fears of upsetting my parents kept me from drawing a line in the sand and asking them not to cross it. The few times I did stand up for my family's autonomy, I didn't hold my parents to the same standards in future. My husband, quite literally, married my entire family.


3. I emasculated him.
I thought love was about honesty, but we all know that the truth hurts. As we grew more comfortable (read: lazy) in our relationship, I stopped trying to take the sting out it. I talked smack to my girlfriends, my mom, my co-workers. All. The. Time. "Can you believe he didn't do this?" and "Why in God's name did he do that?
instead of building up his ego, I trampled all over it. I belittled him often, saying his job was unimportant and dismissing his friends as "hangers-on." I berated him for doing things wrong when, in all honesty, he just wasn't doing them my way. At times I spoke to him like a child. I controlled the family finances and grilled him over every single penny he spent. And in the bedroom -- yup, you guessed it -- he was doing that all wrong too, and I wasn't shy about telling him so. As our marriage crumbled, I found myself constantly looking for faults and mistakes so that I could justify my superiority. By the end, I had zero respect for him and I made sure he knew it and felt it every day.

4. I didn't bother to learn to fight the right way.
I know it sounds odd to suggest there is a right way to fight. But there is. I tended to keep the peace in our house by keeping my mouth shut when things were really bothering me. As you can imagine, all the small things that drove me crazy grew into a giant suppressed ball of anger that would erupt occasionally in a huge, really frightening fit of Hulk-like rage. And by rage, I mean rage in the clinical, mental-health definition kind of way. After the fact, I'd justify my anger by saying that a woman can only take so much. Looking back, I was one scary b*tch during those episodes.
More from YourTango: 8 Rules You MUST Follow When Fighting With Your Husband
I write this mea culpa not with the hopes of winning my ex back, or even wanting his forgiveness. I write this because I can't believe how long I kept my head buried in the sand. I hope other women out there will yank theirs out and take a good look around. And while I'm still hurt that my husband chose to solve our problems in another woman's bed when some conversation and counseling might have helped, I absolutely know that my behavior was part of what pushed him there.


Courtesy.http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/6355374

Ladies really need to learn to talk/complain without spite.

Brugo:
Ladies really need to learn to talk/complain without spite.

Yours truly,I pray they learn,especially the "I'm a modern woman crew".

You deserve it. You were foolish. Marriage is not by force. Anyone who marries someone and doesn't find peace should cut him or her out. It's one life, so why should anyone be in bondage. He is happy now and pls don't disturb him. Go and find happiness or Create happiness for urself. Not even children can tie anyone this days. It's too late. Stupid people use cheating as an excuse to destroy their happy home. If someone cheats, talk intelligently to him or her. Good bye. nonsense

This is for those "Miss Independent" women who believe women's empowerment means to berate a man. Don't cry wolf when you truly end up INDEPENDENT.

Typing...

Pile of dung


Mshewwww




this one has obviously been dhik whipped

After all is said and done, nothing in this life can justify cheating. If you think this is yet another I'm-a-modern-woman talking, then switch these people's shoes in that head of yours, however egotistical and uncompromising it may be, then come back and talk to me.

Rocktation:
After all is said and done, nothing in this life can justify cheating. If you think this is yet another I'm-a-modern-woman talking, then switch these people's shoes in that head of yours, however egotistical and uncompromising it may be, then come back and talk to me.

No need to waste precious time thinking on assumptions of "I'm a modern woman egotistical and uncompromising blabbing...." Its evident how they end up. ..REPLACED and DEMOTED!!!

No right thinking man,with his head rightly screwed on his shoulders should continually bare the excesses of a BI.T.CH. She's not his God,but his wife (ex).

donodion:

No need to waste precious time thinking on assumptions of "I'm a modern woman egotistical and uncompromising blabbing...." Its evident how they end up. ..REPLACED and DEMOTED!!!

No right thinking man,with his head rightly screwed on his shoulders should continually bare the excesses of a BI.T.CH. She's not his God,but his wife (ex).

Yeah and where this right thinking cheating butt wipe has landed himself, is rather blinding. Seemingly Elevated and Irreplaceable!

Anyone would expect some male who's not less of a man to be outright and honest with a person who's in a committed relationship as he, about his desire to sleep around, rather than being a dick and taking the pu.s.sy way out.

And the bullshiiit continues. ...
So what did the husband do to salvage the suitation? Of course step out and cheat. And the wife is silly enough to justify it.
What happened to taking a long and irreversible walk.

lolaredvelvet:
This is for those "Miss Independent" women who believe women's empowerment means to berate a man. Don't cry wolf when you truly end up INDEPENDENT.

A woman who can justify the act of her cheating husband is not INDEPENDENT but SENSLESS.

DollyParton1:

A woman who can justify the act of her cheating husband is not INDEPENDENT but SENSLESS.

Gbam. You have nailed it. Of which I've never seen any man justifying his wife's cheating when caught . of course we all know what happens

DollyParton1:
And the bullshiiit continues. ...
So what did the husband do to salvage the suitation? Of course step out and cheat. And the wife is silly enough to justify it.
What happened to taking a long and irreversible walk.

How can he salvage the situation. You know she married herself

[quote author=Rocktation post=34600838]

Yeah and where this right thinking cheating butt wipe has landed himself, is rather blinding. Seemingly Elevated and Irreplaceable!

Anyone would expect some male who's not less of a man to be outright and honest with a person who's in a committed relationship as he, about his desire to sleep around, rather than being a dick and taking the pu.s.sy way out.

[\quote]




Theres a-b-s-o-l-u-t-e-l-y nothing "blinding" in "seeking happiness" from a more DESERVING partner, who appreciates and complements the mans personality,supporting his God-given-enquivocal qualities and responsibilities.

Any reasonable person would equally agree it's by far better to take the pus.ssy way out (as if remaining in the loveless union would make him a better dick) and move on,rather continue with an "irredeemable" controlling unappreciative and egoistic so-called modern woman.Than turn around to become a wife killer.

He's a man who knew his worth and the necessity of retaining his sanity before he ended being slapped with decades of solitude behind bars.

As we write,he's not the one wailing with regrets.......we all know who ........Da modern bi.t.ch.

donodion:

Yours truly,I pray they learn,especially the "I'm a modern woman crew".

What is modern about the posts? Are the vices new?

lolaredvelvet:
This is for those "Miss Independent" women who believe women's empowerment means to berate a man. Don't cry wolf when you truly end up INDEPENDENT.

I thought her vices were:
1. Putting the kids first: very ancient vice
2. Not setting boundaries with her family
3. She emasculated him: over talking to her friends
4. Keeping mute at issues till she is So bitter and over reacts.

I am honestly trying to understand the relationship between women empowerment and the listed vices.

And independence is a state of self sufficiency; I think the word you need is lonely.

The wife saw herself as a dutiful longsuffering wife.

I doubt 'women empowerment' or 'Mrs. Independent' was onher mind.

Please preach it o

bukatyne:


What is modern about the posts? Are the vices new?



I thought her vices were:
1. Putting the kids first: very ancient vice
2. Not setting boundaries with her family
3. She emasculated him: over talking to her friends
4. Keeping mute at issues till she is So bitter and over reacts.

I am honestly trying to understand the relationship to women empowerment in the listed vices.

And independence is a state of self sufficiency; I think the word you need is lonely.

The wife saw herself as a dutiful longsuffering wife.

I doubt 'women empowerment' or 'Mrs. Independent' was onher mind.

SAMBARRY:
Please preach it o

I agree 100% that the wife was wrong

I still cannot get the relationship between her wrongs and moderness or empowerment.

Did the husband cheat to cope with his wife or was the wife reacting to the cheating?

bukatyne:


I agree 100% that the wife was wrong

I still cannot get the relationship between her wrongs and moderness or empowerment.

no they want to align the unalignable.na small small them go dey bring feminism matter into the thread and of course it's being Mrs independent that destroyed her marriage as usual

I have no problem with the article.

The woman never said his cheating was justified, she only said her ex-husband was a cheater but she was also a dismissive and rude wife.

As far as I'm concerned, the psychologist opened her eyes and made her come to terms with her own flaws. How is that a bad thing?? If you played a part in the downfall of your marriage, what is wrong with owning up to it??

SAMBARRY:
no they want to align the unalignable.na small small them go dey bring feminism matter into the thread and of course it's being Mrs independent that destroyed her marriage as usual

Lols

bukatyne:


What is modern about the posts? Are the vices new?- depends on how you see it ...and which women of old exudes the traits you highlighted as vices below:



I thought her vices were:
1. Putting the kids first: very ancient vice
2. Not setting boundaries with her family
3. She emasculated him: over talking to her friends-(clever but good enough ...she talk DOWN her husband even in presence of friends)
4. Keeping mute at issues till she is So bitter and over reacts.

Include:
5. Exhibiting unwarranted SUPERIORITY over her ex-husband and DAILY showing it to him
6.Finding fault over everything he does as long as its not done her way.
7.Uncaring towards his feelings and emotional need.

I am honestly trying to understand the relationship between women empowerment and the listed vices.

The woman's predicament is testimony to modern women abuse of priviledges embedded in women mpowernent rights and privileged

And independence is a state of self sufficiency;

...and yours truly she's self suffient as evident in her lamentation

I think the word you need is lonely.

your preference not mine.

The wife saw herself as a dutiful longsuffering wife.

I doubt 'women empowerment' or 'Mrs. Independent' was onher mind.

Really? Didn't know "longsuffering" wives possess those "vices" you listed above. . .Wow!!!

donodion:


Include:
5. Exhibiting unwarranted SUPERIORITY over her ex-husband and DAILY showing it to him
6.Finding fault over everything he does as long as its not done her way.
7.Uncaring towards his feelings and emotional need.

The woman's predicament is testimony to modern women abuse of priviledges embedded in women mpowernent rights and privileged

...and yours truly she's self suffient as evident in her lamentation


your preference not mine.



Really? Didn't know "longsuffering" wives possess those "vices" you listed above. . .Wow!!!

And How Does these vices point to modern wife?

@Longsuffering: read the OP again.

The wife saw herself as long suffering and selfless till her faults were pointed out.

How Does such a wife who thought she was the picture of a humble and selfless wife be thinking of your version of 'woman empowerment'?

Shollypopzz:
I have no problem with the article.

The woman never said his cheating was justified, she only said her ex-husband was a cheater but she was also a dismissive and rude wife.

As far as I'm concerned, the psychologist opened her eyes and made her come to terms with her own flaws. How is that a bad thing?? If you played a part in the downfall of your marriage, what is wrong with owning up to it??

You got it hun.Yup!!!...watch drama as they twist and suggests terms and "probable" excuses to tag the man as the baddoh. ....

bukatyne:


And How Does these vices point to modern wife?

Show me women of old,with living examples who exhibits such traits you out of goodwill term "vices" in comparison to " modern women" and we can take it up from there.
Or would you say those "vices" are generally common to WOMEN??

Na only you waka kam make the mistake for marriage?
Even Mama Peace still dey h-ansa MRS JONATHAN!
With all ha education?

Go fiNgure!
Shior!

bukatyne:


And How Does these vices point to modern wife?

@Longsuffering: read the OP again.

The wife saw herself as long suffering and selfless till her faults were pointed out.

How Does such a wife who thought she was the picture of a humble and selfless wife be thinking of your version of 'woman empowerment'?

I laugh at your cunning word puzzle ....let me lay it bare for you. ..

Women empowerment as you preferred to point out in relation to "modern woman" are clearly two instances, related but yet clearly defined.

A modern woman defined by urban dictionary ..has a job, not entry level, has done very well for herself and maintains or does not maintain a family. In the 1950's when the term first came to use, it was also a sexual saying. A modern woman can have as many romantic interests as she sees fit. The modern woman pursues affairs and is equal to the man when it comes to sexual partners. Marking the end of the 'nice girl era' in which women were only suppose to have one sexual partner as opposed to men, who could pursue interests of a sexual nature.
'You're a modern woman, you can have as many partners as you please"....

Empowered women is a economically independent woman.
See how the two interrelate but clearly defined?

This looks promising.

Shollypopzz:
I have no problem with the article.

The woman never said his cheating was justified, she only said her ex-husband was a cheater but she was also a dismissive and rude wife.

As far as I'm concerned, the psychologist opened her eyes and made her come to terms with her own flaws. How is that a bad thing?? If you played a part in the downfall of your marriage, what is wrong with owning up to it??

At least, one female here took a breather and saw the point...